What a great week! While I didn't see the staggering numbers that my sister's Pets topic saw last week, the combo of griping and driving-related anecdotes was exactly what I was hoping for, and everybody brought their A game.
My favorite of Catfreeek's was in her "old people driving" series, with
Old people driving
Huge cars like tanks of terror
driven by the blind
I love the alliteration of "tanks of terror" and that last line really does bring out the terror. It certainly doesn't hurt to reference Death Race early in the set. (By the way, I caught the remake of Death Race a few weeks ago. Skip it.)
JPX made me laugh by recounting a few embarrassing behind-the-wheel moments of mine, most notably
Octo once got mad
He punched his windshield, it broke
Later on we laughed
He also started the hilarious "kids in a school bus" theme and warned us all about the evils of dealerships. I just had one of those experiences myself:
Before: While we change your battery, we'll do a free safety inspection!
After: We found about $1,300 worth of stuff to fix during our inspection.
Jerks. There were lots of yellow "caution" status things and two red "fails," one of which was the wiper blades. What I didn't recall until later was that they had changed those just last summer. Wish I could've thrown that in the lady's face.
Anyway, I have to admit JPX did disappoint me in one minute way, by not whipping out the ready-made five syllable line "Doug can't drive either." But he does good work.
Johnny Sweatpants had two standouts that I can't choose between as a fave
Where to, Miss Daisy?
How 'bout I take your white ass
Straight through the ghetto?
And the culmination of the school bus theme
Drove by a school bus
Introduced them to my ass
This haiku is true
HandsomeStan echoed how we all feel inside with his lament of non-sentient cars
Road trip to RI
I say, "Engage Smart-Drive, Kitt."
Crack open road beer
I don't even drink beer, but I think I would to make that dream come true.
AC contributed one of the best pieces of driving wisdom I've heard yet
MA drivers suck
i've arranged my work schedule
to avoid rush hour
I wish I could do that, as LA rush hours are legendary. AC also got the "no blowjobs while driving" theme going (by providing the second one, thus turning it into a running gag). I meant to add Parenthood to the mix as well, but didn't get around to it.
I suspected DCD was holding out so that her numbers last week weren't topped by mine, but she jumped in with some late greatness (probably once she was sure the count would stay in two figures). Hers took on a refreshing confessional bent
I prefer to drive.
It's not that I don't trust you...
Oh wait, yes it is.
Although one of our father's catchphrases ("those guys are racing!") was invoked in another 'ku, making this three weeks in a row he's entered the game, I found the haiku above to be more steeped in Burtness. Because my sister's desire to man the wheel is a clear genetic homage to our Dad.
But who won? As my picture above is meant to hint, that would be Mr. AC! His output this week was outstanding, including stealthy underage joyrides, speed limit math, and ramming packed school buses. The absolute winner, however, involved the might of Gandalf
Cold lizard in car
"Must get him back to hot rock"
Cop was unimpressed
I don't know this for sure, but it seems like he read my comment last week on "don't walk your lizard," intuited my own feeling about the innate comic punch of the word "lizard," and haikued accordingly. Regardless, it made me laugh, and he won. The customized avatar didn't hurt, either.
Congrats, Mr. AC!
Thanks everybody. See you next week.