Friday, February 19, 2010

Haiku Hump Day results: Who gets the rock star parking?

What a great week! While I didn't see the staggering numbers that my sister's Pets topic saw last week, the combo of griping and driving-related anecdotes was exactly what I was hoping for, and everybody brought their A game.

My favorite of Catfreeek's was in her "old people driving" series, with

Old people driving
Huge cars like tanks of terror
driven by the blind

I love the alliteration of "tanks of terror" and that last line really does bring out the terror. It certainly doesn't hurt to reference Death Race early in the set. (By the way, I caught the remake of Death Race a few weeks ago. Skip it.)

JPX made me laugh by recounting a few embarrassing behind-the-wheel moments of mine, most notably

Octo once got mad
He punched his windshield, it broke
Later on we laughed

He also started the hilarious "kids in a school bus" theme and warned us all about the evils of dealerships. I just had one of those experiences myself:

Before: While we change your battery, we'll do a free safety inspection!
After: We found about $1,300 worth of stuff to fix during our inspection.

Jerks. There were lots of yellow "caution" status things and two red "fails," one of which was the wiper blades. What I didn't recall until later was that they had changed those just last summer. Wish I could've thrown that in the lady's face.

Anyway, I have to admit JPX did disappoint me in one minute way, by not whipping out the ready-made five syllable line "Doug can't drive either." But he does good work.

Johnny Sweatpants had two standouts that I can't choose between as a fave

Where to, Miss Daisy?
How 'bout I take your white ass
Straight through the ghetto?

And the culmination of the school bus theme

Drove by a school bus
Introduced them to my ass
This haiku is true

HandsomeStan echoed how we all feel inside with his lament of non-sentient cars

Road trip to RI
I say, "Engage Smart-Drive, Kitt."
Crack open road beer

I don't even drink beer, but I think I would to make that dream come true.

AC contributed one of the best pieces of driving wisdom I've heard yet

MA drivers suck
i've arranged my work schedule
to avoid rush hour

I wish I could do that, as LA rush hours are legendary. AC also got the "no blowjobs while driving" theme going (by providing the second one, thus turning it into a running gag). I meant to add Parenthood to the mix as well, but didn't get around to it.

I suspected DCD was holding out so that her numbers last week weren't topped by mine, but she jumped in with some late greatness (probably once she was sure the count would stay in two figures). Hers took on a refreshing confessional bent

I prefer to drive.
It's not that I don't trust you...
Oh wait, yes it is.

Although one of our father's catchphrases ("those guys are racing!") was invoked in another 'ku, making this three weeks in a row he's entered the game, I found the haiku above to be more steeped in Burtness. Because my sister's desire to man the wheel is a clear genetic homage to our Dad.

But who won? As my picture above is meant to hint, that would be Mr. AC! His output this week was outstanding, including stealthy underage joyrides, speed limit math, and ramming packed school buses. The absolute winner, however, involved the might of Gandalf

Cold lizard in car
"Must get him back to hot rock"
Cop was unimpressed

I don't know this for sure, but it seems like he read my comment last week on "don't walk your lizard," intuited my own feeling about the innate comic punch of the word "lizard," and haikued accordingly. Regardless, it made me laugh, and he won. The customized avatar didn't hurt, either.

Congrats, Mr. AC!

Thanks everybody. See you next week.


Catfreeek said...

Congrats Mr. AC!

Octo I think you mentioned every one of my favorites. Great topic, great job everyone.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

congrats mr ac! i agree with freeek, excellent roundup. jpx`s tea party kus were also hysterical.

DCD said...

I laughed at all the ones you mentioned as well. I admit I thought Mr. AC had it in the bag this week though - total riot! Congratulations!

Mr. AC said...

Thanks so much! I was pleased and surprised to learn that I was this week's winner, and will endeavor to come up with a worthy HHD topic for next week.

AC said...

congratulations mr. ac! imho gandalf needs to make at least one appearance every hhd.

JPX said...

Terrific job, Mr. AC! I know I can count on you to come up with something interesting for next week (don't tell AC what the topic is, wait for her to find out with the rest of us!).

Octo, I completely forgot about the "Doug can't drive either" comment! Back in the day Octo and I had a friend named Gary who overcompensated for his unusual upbringing by frequently putting us down. One day I was having difficulty backing into a parking spot. Gary offered to back my car in and after I gave him my blessing he smugly uttered the following line that Octo and I have been quoting for decades, "Don't worry, Doug can't drive either" Doug was another friend of Gary's who he appeared to be in competition with. Let me give it a whirl,

Failed to back in car,
Gary took over noting,
"Doug can't drive either!"

Whirlygirl said...

Congrats Mr AC and great haikus! I enjoyed reading everyones and wish I could have written some too. I had some planned about my adventures of being trapped in the backseat of a car with balloons. Unfortunately, I had a jam packed day on haiku wednesday, with some of it vehicle related. As JPX mentioned, I had to get my car looked at, but I also had to take pictures of a no parking sign for my mom to bring to court. She decided to have me recreate the scene for the photo by having me park my car exactly where she got the ticket. I quickly realized that she was clearly in the wrong when cars started blaring their horns at me and refused to go around my car.

DCD said...

Man, Whirly, I just love you.

Catfreeek said...

Whirly save that balloon story for another haiku day where it'll work. I have a feeling that it will be at it's best in haiku form. Your life is fascinating :)

HandsomeStan said...

I'm late to the comment thread, but Whirly is a living, brilliant haiku. That paragraph alone is probably worth a brilliant series of 10 or so haikus, thematically starting with "It seems Mom was wrong" or some such.

I wish I could have been more present. Congratulations, Mr.! You're always the People's Champion in my book, and I'm glad you got the weekly title!