Brotherhood of Satan

(1971) **1/2

Here we go, a good old fashioned devil worship movie - my favorite horror sub-genre. A young couple and their daughter become trapped in a small town in the middle of nowhere due to car trouble. The town itself is has been struck by a string of brutal murders and missing children. A coven of witches are at the bottom of it all led by an effeminate high priest (with a remarkable similarity to Senator Palpatine). Weird rituals and inexplicable plot twists ensue. The beauty of the witch movie is that the director can get away with anything. Anytime you don't know what the hell is going on, you can just attribute it to some crazy witch up to no good. Nothing too noteworthy here aside from the fact that plot twists were later mined by Children of the Corn and Skeleton Key.

The Dunwich Horror

(1970) **1/2

One of HP Lovecraft’s greatest talents is in establishing a well worn creepy mood. He casts New England as a place of old secrets. Labyrinthine rows of cobblestone streets in Boston set in contrast to the wilder New England outskirts, grown untamed through years of isolation. His monsters are grotesque bordering on absurd, and the extent to which you find them scary depends entirely on how well the tone of the story has prepared you to accept them as scary and not as absurd. Set-up is crucial.
When the action first opens in the Dunwich Horror (produced by Roger Corman), we’re in an antiquated New England bedroom, scanning the faces of two nunnish old women, a lion’s maned man and a woman writhing in the throes of labor. On closer inspection, we see she has a large circular pattern tattooed on her forehead. The man, dreadfully anxious, kneels by the bed and helps his wife stand and begins to lead her out of the room: a potentially compelling series of shots. We could be on our way to setting up that eerie Lovecraft mood. It all depends on where these shots go next.
Unfortunately, they don’t go anywhere at all. We cut right to the credit sequence while El Beardo is in the middle of helping his wife stagger across the room. The title sequence is a neat blue/black animated bit, which, due largely to the synth brass funk music and the image of a giant gape-mouthed Satan dropping a human into his mouth like a grape (and then, due to a pause in the animation, remaining gape-mouthed for a comical amount of time), our memory of the opening shots is completely erased.
In a movie where your ultimate villain is a rubber ball of snakes with all the pizzazz of a green golf-club with a tooth sticking out of it, you’d better do everything you can to make us ready to buy your rubber nightmare when it finally does appear. Nary a moment should be wasted and this movie has already spun its wheels for five minutes.
Despite its glaring issues in pacing and suspense-building, Dunwich Horror’s problems have nothing to do with acting. As the lead villain, Wilbur Whateley, Dean Stockwell adopts a chilling matter-of-factness – we know why people find him uncomfortable to be around, but when the female lead, Nancy (Sandra Dee), finds him hypnotic and irresistible, it’s not out of the question.
There’s also some rather nifty camera work. The coolest shot of the movie comes near the end, as the being, Yoggsothoth, approaches. The coming presence is conveyed in one shot as a violent ripple crawling over the surface of a creek and the blowing about of bushes along the waterside.
Roger Corman movies tend to have a feeling of quality-on-the-cheap, and this movie is no exception. It’s a decent early showcase of Dean Stockwell’s talents, but scary, it is not.

Other things of note: (1) Among the various cool items decorating the Whateley household is a pair of what can best be described as giant crystal nose-tips, (2) Whateley’s mom, the woman from the opening sequence, reappears twice from her padded cell in a Miskatonic hospital. Some of the movie’s creepiest moments come here. (3) A cool shot of Whateley performing a burial rite, shot from inside the grave. (4) Hey, that’s Talia Shire! And that’s probably the first and last time I’ll ever feel the need to put an exclamation mark after that woman’s name.

Zombie 3

(1988) **

You know exactly where you stand with this movie in the first minute when the zombie vomits blood. Lucio Fulci (Zombie 2, The Beyond) gets the director's nod for Zombie 3 despite having precious little to do with the film. The Zombie 3 plot is negligible. A group of terrorists release a cloud of toxic gas that makes zombies. I love zombies. Zombiism is a virus that can (and will) be transmitted by birds and other zombies. Much of the story is borrowed heavily from The Crazies but lacks any kind of substance behind it. The movie quickly gets bogged down by terrible Toxic Avenger style special effects and bad, bad acting. Let's face it, the 80's were just a dark period for the zombie world. On the plus side, the ridiculous haircuts and Beverly Hills Cop-like music was enough to keep a smile on my face throughout.

Exorcist: The Beginning

(2004) **1/2

I’ve heard horrible things about this film. I won’t rehash the difficult journey it had getting to the big screen but you may recall that Renny Harlin was commissioned to take over the reins after director Paul Schrader was fired. Apparently Schrader’s version was deemed too psychological with too few scares. Schrader’s film, now called Exorcist: Dominion, will actually be out on DVD later this month. Jettisoning most of Schrader’s footage, Harlin crafted an entirely different film. Knowing this history, I popped Beginning into my DVD player with very low expectations. I’m happy to report that my low expectations were dashed and The Beginning is actually a fun romp. Set in 1949, fallen priest, Merrin, is hired and sent to East Africa to obtain a mythological demonic idol. When he arrives he learns that an archeology dig has discovered a buried Catholic church, which is intriguing because it was apparently built 1000 years before the rise of Catholicism. After entering this church, archeologists and African tribal members begin to die. Eventually a character is possessed and Merrin must challenge his lack of faith and confront his demons, both literally and figuratively. The Beginning is somewhat compromised by shoddy FX. At one point a character is mauled by a poorly rendered pack of CG jackals. However, I found the climax of the film to be adequate and satisfying. I guess I’m just a sucker for all things Satan. The Beginning is not great, but it’s certainly more entertaining than the negative reviews would have you believe. I look forward to checking out the Schrader version later this month.

Stephen King’s Riding the Bullet

(2004) *

Okay, we all know that Stephen King adaptations are very hit-or-miss. In fact, I think one could argue that most are misses. I’d even go one step further to say that this is also true about Mr. King’s novels over the past decade, but there’s no time for such a discussion here, we’re in Horrorthon people! Riding the Bullet is based on King’s first e-book. As a short story, Riding the Bullet is a pretty good read. Set in the early 70s, the story concerns a college hippie who must hitchhike home to visit his ailing mother. Along the way he meets up, literally, with various ghosts and demons from his past. King is great at capturing the Woodstock-era (i.e., Hearts in Atlantis) and as a short story, Riding the Bullet is a pretty good character piece. As a film it’s dreadful. Despite opening with some good, psychedelic 60s music (e.g., Strawberry Alarm Clock’s “Incense and Peppermint”), the director is never able to find the right tone. Too many he relies on cheap scares. You see, the protagonist, Jonathan, has a vivid, and morbid, imagination and we never know whether something we see is real or just Jonathan’s dang imagination kicking in again. The “scares” are also stupid. For example, at one point Jonathan is watching a crow eating road kill and the crow turns his head and says, “What the fuck are you looking at?” What I found the most irritating was the director’s choice to have 2 Jonathans on screen as Jonathan talked to himself (e.g., think of Seinfeld playing chess with his penis) throughout his journey. Because the short story is almost entirely about Jonathan’s cognitions as he goes on his journey, I’m certain the director thought that he was being clever. He wasn’t. Scareless and ultimately pointless, Riding the Bullet merely confirmed what we already knew, King is difficult to film. Against my better judgment I’m going to state an obvious cliché, avoid this ride.

Hellraiser: Hellworld

(2005) **1/2

Filmed back-to-back with Hellraiser: Deader, Hellworld has all the things we’ve come to expect from a Hellraiser movie; pretty people, nudity, graphic dismemberments, and, yes, even a brief (very brief) appearance from Pinhead. As I’ve noted previously, the Hellraiser films play like episodes from some unrated anthology TV show that only exists on a cable station that nobody actually gets (e.g., MTV2). In order to truly enjoy these direct-to-video Hellraiser films, you must accept the fact that these films have more to do with irony and fate than cenobites. In Hellworld, a group of pretty people, hooked on an online Hellraiser game, is invited by the Webmaster to attend a secret Hellraiser party, “No guests”. The party, hosted by none other than Lance Henriksen, will remind you of that creepy cult party Tom Cruise stumbles into in Eyes Wide Shut. The guests are all given numbered masks to don and cell phones. You see, when you see someone you want to hook up with, all you have to do is call the number on the mask. Oh yeah, the group is also informed that the house used to belong to the dude who created the Lament Configuration. Apparently the house was also an asylum for the criminally insane. As the film unfolds, the gang inevitably splits up in pursuit of a good time. In typical behavior-only-committed-in-a-horror-film, each character wanders off to explore the creepy mansion. Hellworld follows the standard Hellraiser formula; characters die in horrible ways, with one death being particularly memorable and quite nifty in its originality, and we, the viewer, keep trying to guess what’s real and what’s not. There’s a nice twist near the end of the film that I didn’t predict and the last 10-minutes are particularly fun. Oh, and Pinhead? Pinhead’s in the film for about 2-minutes, but it doesn’t really matter. For those who like the Hellraiser franchise, Hellworld is another fun installment.

Hellraiser: Deader

(2005) **1/2 I watched a few direct-to-Video Hellraiser films last year so I decided to pick up where I left off. 2005 saw the release of 2 new direct-to-video films, Hellraiser: Deader, and Hellraiser: Hellworld. Brent always pooh-poohs direct-to-video films on principal; however, I disagree and feel that they have some merit. Direct-to-video doesn’t mean that a film is bad, per se; it simply means that a cost/benefit analysis determined that there wasn’t enough of an audience to put it in the theater. I enjoyed Hellraiser: Deader. Like other recent Hellraiser entries, Hellraiser: Deader plays more like an episode of an anthology TV series rather than a Hellraiser/Pinhead film. Pinhead, in fact, is almost relegated to a Rod Serling role rather than an active presence in these direct-to-video entries.
In Deader, intrepid reporter Amy, a character inspired by Naomi Watt’s character from the Ring, I’m sure, is sent to investigate a cult-group called “Deaders” who apparently have found a way to resurrect the dead. It seems that head-Deader, Winter, found a loophole in the Lament Configuration. Despite a warning not to, Amy opens the Lament Configuration and Pinhead appears. Pinhead, we learn, is extremely pissed at this new competition for souls and for some reason that I never understood (must of been the wine) Amy becomes the conduit thorough which the Cenobites are able to wage a war against the Deaders. Pinhead is in this film for approximately 5 minutes. It’s puzzling to me that such an iconic horror figure is not used more in this franchise but nevertheless, Deader is fun. There’s plenty of “wet” mayhem to keep gorehounds content and Pinhead’s minimal screen time is still quite effective. I continue to enjoy these Hellraiser entries!

The Ring Two

(2005) **

I knew this wasn't very good, but having ended my run last year with The Ring, I couldn't resist the symmetry.

The list of why this wasn't very good is long and bountiful, but the main thing missing was the tone. The Ring had a taut, engaging dread about it every single minute. And while I recognized the characters and the motifs, this had the ambient feel of something on Lifetime, probably something you only watched because a friend of yours played a cop in one scene.

It was boring! In all the post-release disappointment, no one mentioned that to me. There's far too much exposition and set-up, and the scares that finally kick in are flat and overplayed. They mostly amount to Aiden watching water, water leaking from this place or that place, and appliance failure. Nothing ever builds, no sense of increasing stakes is ever sought.

Where were the distorted face pictures? The people going slowly crazy? Where was the relentless encroaching doom? The videotape storyline (admirably kept alive in the between-movies promotional hoo-ha) gets bumped as quickly as possible for a possession plot. I don't think possession stories are intrinsically interesting. The Exorcist certainly is interesting (and a great deal else besides), but you need to have a hook to make it go. When Samara possesses Aiden, all it does is make her boring. Instead of a week-long death watch, she'll make you stick a hypo in your neck and kill yourself. It's like a one-boy Village of the Damned.

Naomi manages to fix everything and then promises her son that Samara's never coming back. I'd have thought that a foolish, empty promise until I realized the movie's such crap they probably won't make a sequel, which means she's right.

Ach, it's painful seeing our Patron Saint of Scaring the Pants Off Us lending her presence to this turkey. I, for one, am going to pretend this movie just didn't happen.

Shining

My friend Mike just sent me this bit of genius. I wish they'd managed to work in the elevators full of blood. (If it doesn't take you to the trailer immediately, just click on the purple words "Shining Redux.")

Voice in the Dark

Welcome to the Horrorthon Blog. In 2001, my friend Jeff and his brother Brent started a contest based on the simple question "who can watch the most horror movies during the month of October?" In 2003, they started writing capsule reviews to serve as quick references for anyone who might want a bit of info before settling in to watch Savage Weekend or Bio Zombie.

I joined the contest in 2004. Competition was fierce and numbers were high. All three contestants watched more than 90 movies by Halloween.

This year, we're deliberately concentrating on the modern classics. The Halloweens, the Friday the 13th's, the Nightmares on Elm Street. The big names, the big numbers. With lots of space for the obscure stuff.

The Ring

(2002) *****

At last. My final flick, which I'd planned days in advance. I took a break to catch my breath and started her up at about 11:45. Man, what to say about this movie...

“All you need to make a good horror movie is a little boy walking up some stairs.” How’s that? Not enough? Okay.

I feel like the key to this movie's horror is handed to us very early on, in a line that doesn't come across as very insightful. It comes from the hapless Katie, and it's some girl babble about the millions of magnetic waves that are hitting your brain all the time. That right there is the dark core of Samara's influence. Not so much that she has the ability, both alive and dead, to burn thoughts and images directly into your mind, but that these thoughts and images come from somewhere else. I feel liked Katie's comment suggests that we are all receivers of these broadcasts in the ether -- something like a semblence of mysticism tailored for the West. The only signals that are dangerous are the ones whose point of origin is wherever the hell Samara came from.

And where is that exactly? Is it the realm of the dead? Is it Hell? Whatever it is, it's beyond horrible and it's real. Part of the trick of The Ring is to ground this phenomenon in a hard, real world that doesn't seem open to other realms. By doing that, the movie imbues the horrible influences of Samara with more solidity and, because we're so real in our thinking, we've got absolutely no defense. (I think the movie Unbreakable does something similar, although not nearly as effective, by infusing a land of cold reality with something fantastic.) Of course, that heightened reality is an illusion, and so the cinematography also manages to evoke the feelings of a grim, grey dream. The perfect setting.

I don't want to turn this into a "Ring is better than Ringu" article, because I'm going to have to watch both flicks again to vivisect that idea properly. I will point out that everything I just said about Ring is completely neutralized in Ringu, thanks to the clumsy psychic phenomena displayed all throughout and, most importantly, the wispy reference to Sea Goblins. Sea Goblins? Are you shitting me?

So, being on Samara's hit list is the scariest thing in the world. For a whole week you know it's coming, not so much because of the phone call, but because your head just gets more and more stuffed with the dark ichor of her wrath. I'd say it's almost a relief when she climbs out of the TV, but Jesus Christ do we know that's not true. After I got in a fender bender last year, my shrink pointed out that a bad thing happening is made so much worse when you can see it coming and you can't stop it. When the oncoming car is some unknown, unstoppable doom emerging from the cracks in reality, well, that there is some fine-grade horror.

Okay, here I go again, but: One of the Ringu gripes I hear about Ring is that you actually see Samara's face. But I wanna say, fuck, that little reveal is nothing compared to the stuff Ringu decides to drop on you. Even if the exact nature of the Sea Goblins (which I can't even type without rolling my eyes) is left murky, look how much better it is to not have that in there at all! And, we get a big honkin' flashback about how Sadako has the ability to give people brain hemmorages from across the room. BOOORRRING!!!

One really masterful plot angle that Ringu does employ is keeping our attention off the girl for a huge chunk of the movie, and I love the way they do this in Ring, too. We're so ready to place Anna Morgan as the creepy face from beyond, since Samara's hardly even in the video.* It's a deft switch, and when it comes it comes like a tidal wave. Suddenly Brian Cox is muttering about "the things she shows you" and how she won't be whispering things to him anymore. His demeanor may be all I’m-a-farmer-getting-things-done, but his ghastly suicide makes it clear that she got to him as much as anyone.

* God, thinking about Samara’s brief appearance in the video is giving me chills as I type this. Okay, mad props to Ringu for the scary face hidden by hair thing. It’s totally dope. But I still don’t think it’s the right move to make hiding her face some kind of rule.

The trick to tapping into fear of the unknown isn’t not telling, it’s telling just enough. H.P. Lovecraft was enamored with Not Telling; tons of his stories rely on a slow, mysterious build that saves the reveal until the shocker final sentence (which modern readers often see a mile off). Personally, I always need to be in just the right mood to absorb his writing properly. When he works, it’s a uniquely tasty experience; when he doesn’t work, it feels like he’s being too miserly with the details. There’s the times when they don’t show you enough (Lovecraft, Blair Witch also comes to mind), and times when they show you too much (cough! cough! seagoblinscough!), or a wrong thing that, even in a deliberately foggy context, just doesn’t make any sense (Xtro is full of moments like this, where each subsequent action taken by the aliens kind of rewrites their whole nature.)

And then there’s times when they do it just right, like the quick cut that shows us what Katie’s mother found when she got home. Why is she so mutilated? Who cares, it’s freakin’ terrifying. And she hid in the closet! That’s the stuff of nightmares, when the menace is something lurking right there in your room, by the corner of the dresser. Bob from Twin Peaks was great at that. It’s the vibe made from the bad dreams you’d have when you were a kid and you were sick, and it’s the raw stuff of fear. Hiding from Michael Myers in the closet is damn stupid, but with Samara you might as well.

Everything in this movie is painted with the deftest of strokes. I remember the first time I saw it, how wowed I was when she pulled the fly off the screen, and then right on cue the blood rolled out of her nose. I said “nice” out loud. And nothing beats the second nosebleed cue, when Aiden sits up and says “you helped her?” Oh, what a moment. I was ready to accept the happy ending, that this was all about righting a terrible injustice. Turning it around like that is one of my favorite cinematic twists. I cherish every second of Noah’s encounter with Samara, and I love the glimpse you get of her face. She’s not just a dead girl, she’s a fucking monster. Whatever it is that’s driven her since her unnatural birth is finally in the open, and it literally kills you to look at it.

Compared to that, Sadako’s eyeball left me pretty cold. I’m just sayin’. I certainly like what they were doing, that the curse is activated by something you see. Your eyes are the curse’s gateway to your head, and so the “ring” turns out to be in Samara’s eye, perhaps burned there by looking up the well for seven days. The idea of seeing something deadly works perfectly with a little girl whose face is obscured by hair (thankyou Japan! thanks Ringu!), I just feel that in Ringu they pull an H.P. Lovecraft with the reveal. Too little.

By the end of the movie, the idea of Samara and what she's become is a thing of perfect horror pitch. I think of her as a free-floating burn -- not a fire, but the raw potential of a horrible burn wound, out there somewhere, never sleeping. While alive, she was a representitive for something so terrible it drove horses mad just to be near it. Now she is that thing, whatever it is, and she's merciless and invincible.

This is the scariest American movie ever made. Period.