Zombies Anonymous

(2006)

Anyone who dies comes back to life. The reanimated dead walk, talk and go to work. They seem to pose no threat to the living other than their offensive looks as they continue to rot. Angela is murdered by her angry obsessive boyfriend Josh when she tries to end the relationship. As Angela tries to get on with life as a zombie she realizes that people are treating her differently. After being let go from her job due to her living status, she tries using a makeup ‘Look Alive’ to hide her rigor mortis. In the meantime, Josh has joined a vigilante group that has made it their mission to kill all zombies. Angela joins a self help group for zombies and meets some interesting dead folks like herself. She winds up meeting a group of rebel zombies that have learned that eating the flesh of the living makes them feel better and slows the rotting process. Both groups eventually engage each other in a bloody battle with Angela & Josh right smack in the center of it all.


I was seriously avoiding this film due to the title. I had thrown it in my queue out of curiosity but I kept pushing it back. After AC and Mr. AC tackled “Astro Zombies” I thought I owed it to them to tough this one out. In my mind I saw whiny zombies at 12 step meetings trying to cope. Boy was I wrong! This is a fresh take on zombies and I really enjoyed it. Yes, another original idea. Think about it, you get murdered and wake up to living the same pathetic life you had before. Only now you're dead and slowly rotting making your life just that much more miserable. The zombies are treated like the dregs of society by the living. A homeless beggar has more status than a zombie.


Beyond the general concept there is a real story going on here as well. Josh ran off after murdering Angela. So Angela is now the walking dead and her murderous ex is running loose alive and well. Why she never went to the cops is beyond me, I would think having the victim as an eye witness to murder would be proof enough. Although, since she is walking and talking is she technically dead at all? Maybe it isn't even considered murder anymore. The film raises a lot of speculations and a whole new world of possibilities in the rules of zombieness. Add to that a decent amount of gore and some pretty good fight scenes and you have a pretty solid flick. I give ZA a big thumbs up, after watching a bunch of zombie flicks it was really nice to see a whole new take on an old friend.

Postcard: New York City Marathon, Finish Line

Remember this totally smokin babe from Scorpion King?



And also how she was a total badass in X-Men?



Turns out MrsX and her (Kelly Hu is her name, btw) became BFFs out in LA this summer. Kelly joined me and MrsX's parents in NYC while we watched MrsX complete all 26.2 miles of the marathon.



Oh, and MrsX finished strong in just over 5 hours. So she just HAD to muscle in on the photo op.



But I'm very proud of her, and wanted to point it out in a very name-droppy way. Sorry to interrupt the Review Aftermath. Go Horrorthon!

Saw VI

(2009) **1/2

Jigsaw’s antics return! This time, as an advocate of the Obama Administration! Kind of. The film opens with a competition between two predatory lenders. Whoever can cut off the most flesh within 60 seconds, gets to live.
The bulk of the film is then spent testing a man, working for a health insurance company, perfecting the formula that decides who should be insured and who shouldn’t, as well as overseeing the team that tries to dismiss claims in any way possible.

Overall, I haven’t thought that any of the Saw movies were very good films. However, the endings have always been so terribly clever and impressive, that I have seen all 6 of them – the last three I even saw at the theaters! So, this is what I thought originally. The endings for saw 1-4 (4 especially) were creative, plausible, and I didn’t see them coming at all. Saw 5 really disappointed me, as one could see the “surprise” ending coming a mile away. Seriously – it had sitcom-like predictability.

Saw 6 is kind of a mixed bag. It restores some of the cool “film noir” style that helped make the first one so popular, but the tricks and chicanery are wearing thin. The ending is a surprise, but certainly not a jaw-dropper. It’s more of a “oh, so it was like that all along. Hm. That’s interesting”, rather than a “Wow! I can’t believe it!”.

I have hopes for the 7th one, (which part six sets up), but that’s probably just because I’m an optimist. I’ve read that there will definitely be a Saw 7 & Saw 8. Part 7 will be in 3-D. I just hope that they work on making an ending that will live up to the inventiveness of the early films in the series.

Maybe next year, I’ll watch all of them. Maybe not.

Cold Prey

(2006)

If you had asked me three years ago if I had ever watched Norwegian horror I would have looked at you sideways. Now after having two Horrorthons under my belt I can proudly say, “Yes I have! Along with French, German, Italian, Turkish, Spanish, Mexican, Argentinian and all facets of Asia, just to name a few.” Horrorthon has certainly broadened my spectrum of horror as well as being able to assure folks that it is entirely possible to watch 110 films in one month. That said, this is my 81st review this season so forgive me if I wander off subject a little.


Enough about that, Cold Prey is a traditional slasher type flick that was obviously designed to mirror American slasher films. We start off seeing a young boy with a facial birthmark running for his life and being buried in the snow while newspaper clips reporting him missing flash by. Then we jump ahead like 30 years to five young people going on a skiing trip to a remote area in the mountains. Eirik and Jannicke are a couple, Mikael and Ingunn are a couple and like many American slasher flicks the odd man out is an annoying goober named Morten Tobias. Everyone is having fun snowboarding down the mountain until Morten falls and breaks his leg. They are too far from the car to make it back and see an old abandoned ski lodge close by so they decide to stay there. After Jannicke cleans and sets Morten's leg they decide to spend the night raiding the dusty old liquor cabinet and exploring the place. It's not too long before they discover they are not alone and the local resident is a murderous psychopath out for their blood.

As slasher flicks go, this one is just okay. What makes it a little better is the setting, the place is really cool and I have to say, unlike a scary old house or abandoned mental facility I totally would have been up for staying the night at that lodge. This was an old resort and was mysteriously left with a fully stocked bar and some canned food in the kitchen, a fireplace and your choice of rooms to sleep in, what's not to love. The film is very predictable though and I had a good grasp on the outcome way early in the film. Still, the deaths are good and the chases are tense making it a good watch for me. It's like taking a break from the hard core horror and watching a little light slashing in between.

Zombie Holocaust

(1980)

Expedition members go to a small island where they are hunted by cannibals and attacked by zombies. The zombies are being created unbeknownst to them by a mad doctor who has been experimenting with corpses. They must gain the trust of the cannibals and enlist their help to defeat the evil doctor and his army of undead.


Not quite the caliber of Fulci's Zombi, but still carries off a decent eye gouge or two. I think the cannibals did more damage overall than any of the zombies. This film looks more like it was made in the early 70's in every way possible.

Mark of the Astro-Zombies

(2002) zero stars

At the start of the movie, bad aliens create astro-zombies one at a time, and send them to conquer earth, wielding machetes. At the end of the movie, good aliens intervene, eliminating the astro-zombies as well as their creators. In between, earthlings do silly things like try to solve the astro-zombie problem, make money off the astro-zombie problem, file news reports on the astro-zombie problem, and not run away from the astro-zombies.

Yeah, baby! I had such low hopes for this movie. With the one-star Astro-Zombies (1968) as its wretched predecessor, how good could the sequel really be? As is my habit when hoping for a true bomb, I watched MotA-Z in the grip of nail-biting, white knuckled terror, fearful that an element of quality or competence might creep in; the hint of a good special effect, perhaps; the ghost of a reasonable plot point; a whisper of competent acting. These fears were unrealized and I am proud to report that MotA-Z is my zero-star discovery for Horrorthon 2009.

The Uninvited

(2009)

A girl returns home after a suicide attempt following the death of her mother. Anna's mother tragically died in a fire, although Anna was a witness she remembers nothing from that night. When she returns home she finds her father is now married to her mother's former nurse, Rachel. Anna is unhappy with this and after talking to her sister Alex they become suspicious of Rachel's past. Alex and Anna then go on a mission to expose Rachel's devious intents.


The Uninvited is an American remake of the Japanese film, A Tale of Two Sisters which was reviewed by DCD last year. Two Sisters is totally deserving of the 4 Gretchen rating DCD gave it although the film was a little confusing for awhile it pulls together nicely at the end. The Uninvited was a bit more predictable and the acting itself was not near as solid as the original.


What I did like was that the confusion factor was not present in this film. It flowed along quite well and still retained the twist at the end. I just didn't care for Emily Browning in the lead role. She seemed sullen and rather wishy-washy. I guess it sort of went with the character but it made me want to slap that self-loathing emo look off her face. Still, not a horrible film all things considered.

Interlude 3 (SUPER-GEEK edition)

Jordan loves digital models
Of course everybody remembers that glorious moment when I, Jordan, posted frames from Alien selected for the purpose of showcasing the superb production design of that movie, and, specifically, the excellence of Ron Cobb's and Martin Bower's work in creating the U.S.C.S.S. Nostromo, interior and exterior.

Anyway, In my capacity as sci-fi/design/font/sfx/vehicle/movie geek, I've hated all Star Trek design post-1979, when they unveiled Matt Jeffries' and Andrew Probert's excellent original movie Enterprise, including the exterior model and those sparse, metallic sets (which picked up the vibe of the original show). Everything since has sucked, in my opinion; the gaudy 80s-movies costumes and sets; the vomitous Next Generation environments and spacecraft; and, to a lesser extent, Voyager and Deep Space Nine and all the rest. (And don't tell me it's all just "dated"—that cheese-fest Wrath of Khan was the same year as Blade Runner.) It's just all been ug-LEE beyond words...which is why I'm so incredibly pleased with the new movie, which, in addition to being totally awesome in almost every other way, finally imbues Star Trek with some quality design work. Feast your eyes on my new gallery showcasing the beautiful exterior and interior of the 2009 U.S.S. Enterprise.

(BTW note that there is no physical model: all those exterior shots are 100% digital ILM compositions. It's incredible how good they've gotten at it after three Star Wars prequels, the Pirates trilogy, etc.)

BONUS GEEK VIDEO: I put together the final shot of Star Trek The Motion Picture (1979) and the final shot of Star Trek (2009), since the two shots are close to identical in their basic description (the Enterprise flies past, right to left, and warps out) but illustrate the vast contrasts across thirty years of movie technology and design aesthetics. Take a look!

What were YOU for Halloween?

I was nothing. But I helped 50Page make his costume, and I think it worked out. Who can name the movie?

Plaga Zombie: Zona Mutante

(2001)

An alien virus accidentally released turns a whole town into ghoulish zombies. Three unlikely prisoners are released by the FBI, who quarantine the town trapping them in there. The trio, a retired wrestler, a geek and a handsome dude have to fight their way through these shifty zombeasts and outsmart the feds for survival and freedom. This film comes to us from Argentina, another foreign take on zombies.


In the law of zombies we all know fast or slow is the big argument. However there is a second issue at hand, hard or soft zombies? Soft zombies are the kind that you can punch through their chest, yank a limb off with ease or compress a skull with your bare hands. Hard zombies actually retain the firmness of their living bodies making them a little tougher to kill. Unless you have a shotgun of course. Personally, I'll take a soft zombie any day of the week. Not only are they easier to kill but they are filled with oodles of delicious gore. For instance, one of our heroes beats a zombie to death with his it's own arm. Now that's my idea of fun!


Traditionally, soft zombies tend to be slow as well. Guess they can't muster up much speed when they're losing pieces left and right. Plaga does the unthinkable, soft zombies with speed. This makes the film fast paced and kinda fun. These are no ordinary zombies either, due to the alien virus factor they think, speak and can organize a protest. They are also extraordinarily squishy and gross. This film is pretty fun although the characters can get on your nerves a bit at times. Even so, a wrestler fighting zombies is kind of amusing in itself and the gore is fantastic in that Dead Alive splattery kinda way.

Seytan

(1974)

A young girl is demonically possessed and must undergo an exorcism. Sound familiar to anyone? You betcha sweet ass it does. That's cause these nutty Turks decided to remake the Exorcist with terrible actors and less than an 1/8 of the budget. This beauty falls into the so bad it's good category. I believe Netflix said it best, “Highlights include the green-vomit scene, which has been transformed to a mustard-spitting sequence, and a demonic voice that sounds more like a drunken pirate than Satan.” Once I read that I was sold!


The beginning is a little tough to get through. The sound quality is poor, the film quality is even worse. It almost has the look of an old silent film in bad shape. There seemed to be too much yellow in the picture but after about 20 or 30 minutes the color made a sudden change and the extreme yellow was gone. The director seems like he just discovered the extreme close up and the use of it is hilarious. The person freezes, then the camera quickly zooms in focusing on their eyes. This is particularly funny when Gul is getting a cat scan, yes the girl's name is Gul pronounced Goul. I don't know if Gul is a popular Turkish name but here in America naming your kid Gul would be an invitation for trouble.


This film is a valuable lesson to those aspiring film makers who are thinking of remaking a really great film on no budget. Unless you are shooting for laughs, it's advisable to think about doing another project. If you are insulted by the butchering of a classic then stay away from this film. If you're up for it, the laughs are plentiful and it will leave you shaking your head with disbelief.