I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House

(2016) ****

“Three days ago, I turned 28 years old, I will never be 29.”

Nurse Lily has been sent to care for an elderly horror author, Iris, during her final days in an old house in Braintree, MA. Soon after moving in she becomes unsettled. The large house seems to be from a bygone era and it is slowly decaying. Iris will only call her “Polly” and during moments of lucidity she accuses “Polly” of leaving her, only to return. While perusing Iris’ many novels she discovers a character named “Polly” and she begins to piece together the terrible secrets of the old house.

I loved this movie. Dripping in atmosphere the simple story follows Lily over a period of one year. This is a slow burn replete with a disquieting aura, the darkest of hallways, a crackling, creepy ambiance and a minimal score. Beautiful cinematography and excellent performances add a level of quality to the eerie tale. This is a very slow burn (e.g. think “House of the Devil” or “Lake Mungo”) that induces impalpable dread. I highly recommend this Netflix exclusive.

Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension

 

(2015) ***

Family moves into a home, strange things start happening, captured on home video, yada yada yada.  This is the sixth Paranormal Activity movie, and they’ve all had the same plot, so I’ll skip that part.

Looking at previous reviews of the PA series, all our reviews range from 2 ½ to 3 ½ starts.  And that’s where I find this one falling as well.  It’s no better or worse than any of the other entries.  The marketing for this movie really tried to differentiate it from the others, it that now we can “see” the activity.  And yeah, that was true, and kind of cool, but it also leads to basically a huge plot hole in the movie.  The parents of the young girl in this movie videotape their daughter sleeping, see a ghost standing over her, see the ghost assault the mother, see the ghost gaining a more concrete shape, and their only response is to call a priest and continue videotaping said ghost.  Really????  There’s never any reason given for why these parents don’t leave the house except for a throwaway line from the priest like, “the spirit may follow your daughter no matter what”.  Sure.  Wouldn't seeing this picture make you have your kid sleep in bed with you...

In terms of answering questions for fans of the series who paid attention to the first five movies, there is a continuity in the series, and this movie kind of answers questions.  It turns out that a demon has been trying to possess a child.  In this 6^th movie they add, oh, it turns out the demon needs two kids.  Oh.  Okay. 

House of Good and Evil (2013)

***

So imagine a "soon to be" talented writer building his very first script.  That is this picture.  It has potential.  The story starts in the city where you see a couple having a fight, domestic abuse happens.  The next scene, you have the pregnant wife and husband rushing to the hospital for the delivery.  I will leave the rest from here to you.
Then following scene, they are driving up a very country road to their new home.  No TV, no telephone, no cell, the place runs on generator.  Sounds heavenly to me, but not in the flick. Anyway.. the movie is about a woman going crazy.  Nothing new, I know, but the ending was a great twist.  I thought I had it figured out, but I was wrong.
No special effects.. Heavy mood..  Rather enjoyable.

The Sand

(2015) **1/2

During a late night beach party two teens find a large, slime-covered object and carry it to the party to show off. It is viewed and quickly forgotten. In the morning 8 of the party-goers wake up to find that something is strange. The beach is deserted yet piles of clothing, blankets, etc. remain. Waking up (topless!) on top of a picnic table, Marsha, steps onto the sand and finds that she is unable to move. Screaming to her friends she slowly sinks into the sand and disappears in a bloody mess. The remaining twenty-somethings quickly ascertain that the sand is holding a deadly secret. Fortunately for the survivors they are all safe as long as they do not step onto the sand. Four of the party-goers slept in their car (that no longer starts) with their cell phones trapped in the trunk. Two others slept in the lifeguard tower and one unfortunate soul was stuffed into a trash can during the party. Together they try to figure out the sand’s deadly secret while attempting to get off the beach.

The Sand is basically Blood Beach (1980) but much more enjoyable. Essentially a predicament movie involving attractive people in their bathing suits, the story unfolds quickly and makes the most of its meager budget. This is just dumb, mindless fun but I bet you will watch it from beginning to end (you just won’t admit it).

Ouija: Origins of Evil

 

(2016) ***1/2

In the 1960s, a widowed mom and her two daughters live meekly as they all help mom’s medium for hire business, by assisting in the theatrics such as blowing out candles and shaking the table when mom summons spirits to “give us a sign”. 

To heighten the theatricality, mom buys a ouija board, paints the bottom of the planchette with a metallic paint, and practices manipulating it back and forth with her knees underneath the table.  But then, the younger daughter seems to actually be communicating with the spirit of her late father, and thigns get progressively stranger. 

The original movie, Ouija, was the epitome of scary movie clichés.  Ouija 2 (sorry, but "origins of evil" is a dumb title), also suffers from many of these clichés.  The microbudget horror movie is becoming surprisingly common: Lights Out, The Insidious series, The Conjurings, Annabelle, etc.  Some of these films work and some don’t.  Ouija 2 works.  There’s nothing new or original here, but what is presented, is executed very well.  

The small budget gives us a small cast and less CGI so that we have more time exploring our characters.  None seem expendable, and the sense of dread is ratcheted up a bit.  The pacing and tension is done well too - an exponential curve where scares go from slow burn, to gradual, to persistent. 

Oddly enough, for anybody who actually remembered the first Ouija movie, there’s even some fan service thrown in.  Ouija 2 works both as a standalone, and a clarifying prequel to explain the history behind Ouija (impressive since that movie wasn’t begging for a backstory). Infinitely more enjoyable than its predecessor, Ouija 2 is familiar and fun. 

Light's Out

(2016)***

Closing up shop in a mannequin factory one evening, Paul is terrorized by a creepy specter that can only be seen when the lights are turned off. Following his grizzly demise his surviving daughter, Rebecca, moves out of her parents’ home leaving her younger brother, Martin, alone with their clinically depressed mother, Sophie. Soon Martin informs her sister that their mother is acting strange and speaks to an imaginary person at night named “Diana”. Mirroring her own experience growing up with her mother, Rebecca decides to remove Martin from the home to live with her. When this arrangement does not work out Rebecca, her boyfriend, and Martin decide to live with Sophie until they can resolve her problem, namely Diana, who stalks them at night whenever the lights are off.

Creepy at times with a killer “creature”, Light’s Out never quite figures out what Diana is supposed to be or to what the extent of her powers are. It could be argued that the narrative is really a story about mental illness (i.e. clinical depression) and that Diana is a symbol of the pain and depths of despair that comes along with depression like compulsive hoarding is the outward manifestation of anxiety. Although produced by James Wan, who made several films I dislike including The Conjuring and Insidious (1, 2 &3), Light’s Out has some actual scares with a likable cast. The story stems from a 3 minute short created by director David F. Sandberg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adap4rzlM2I) and it can be argued that the story has been “stretched” across 80 minutes. Still there are at least 2 standout sequences that raised the hair on my neck. Check it out or just watch the short.

Nerve

(2016)***

Vee is having a high school identity crisis. The boy she has a crush on has no interest in her and her best friend hogs all the attention. Frustrated, she makes the impulsive decision to join an underground online game called “Nerve” where contestants are wired money upon completing “dares” cooked up by “watchers”. She becomes hooked on the game instantly when her first dare (“Kiss a stranger for 5 seconds”) nets her a quick hundred bucks. What starts out fun quickly becomes dangerous once she hooks up with another player, Ian, who is bent on winning the entire affair. Only one person can win and there are strict “rules”.

Nerve is a cautionary tale about the perils of desiring fame through social media and a willingness to do anything to obtain that fame. If you can get past the idea that such a complicated and dangerous “game” could fly under the radar of law authorities and parents than you will have a fun time watching pretty people engage in risky behaviors for the sake of fame and fortune. It is never clear who created/maintains the Nerve game but who cares because that’s not why you’re “watching” it.

The Curious Dr. Humpp

1969 **

I never actually owned an issue of Dynamite magazine, but I saw enough to remember the "bummers" on the back cover, little illustrated life foibles that all started with "Don't you hate..."  Well, don't you hate when you sit down to watch a nice horror movie and it turns out you're watching soft-core porn?  Me too!

Hi everybody, really sorry I've been such a ghost so far this month.  I finally got my computer back and blah blah boring.  If I'm going to bother making excuses, I should think of one for not guessing "Dr. Humpp" would be a doctor of mad sex-science, because that's what he is.

The movie surprised me right out of the gate for the combo of full-frontal nudity in black-and-white, and this just a few minutes in.  Saucy!  I soon realized what I'd wandered into, thanks to the subtle clue of a full fifteen minutes of dialogue-free scenes of tawdry people behaving in a tawdry manner, only to be menaced (and sort of off-screen kidnapped) by a hideous lurching creature with a silly mask, or maybe a silly face.

That little bump in the center of his forehead is a blinking light.  And why not?

This movie is brave enough to unflinchingly depict scene after scene of society's worst engaging in sex-like behavior.  I say sex-like because what happens is a lot of twisting and writhing and hands kind of nearing various naughty bits but never actually touching them. It's like minute after minute of first-stage foreplay, with a voice track of feminine moany noises and breathing.  Some kids making out in a car, a pair of lesbians, a quartet of stoned, orgy-having hippies, that woman in the top photo just having the same weird non-sex with herself -- everybody gets a visit from Mr. Lopsided Coconut Face and then we're onto the next scene of guttery action. For FIFTEEN MINUTES.

It took me three nights to watch this movie.  The same vibe that informed the opening cavalcade of yawn sex is felt throughout the movie, so for every boring quasi-sex scene there would be two scenes of Dr. Humpp's nurse ruthlessly measuring how long it takes to check things on a clipboard, prepare an injection, or put away stuff.

That's not to say the film is not completely without merit.  It's from the late sixties, when even an exploitation movie from Argentina could possess a certain stylish classiness.  And Dr. Humpp is a bona fide mad scientist, albeit not a very good one.  In addition to his big ugly monster, he has gang of mindless henchmen,

"Psst!  Hey dude, are you a statue or a guy?"

he takes his orders from an angry brain in a jar,

"No, I am not growing sea monkeys in there.  Stop asking."

and he maintains a colony of doped-out sex fiends so he can use the brain's vital sex-juices to keep him from succumbing to some awful deteriorating skin condition.

And the monster plays the lute!  Or whatever the heck that is.

He backs up these stylish trappings with the right attitude.  At one point the forgettable hero gets in his face and declares "You're a murderer!"

"So what." says Dr. Humpp.

Nevertheless this is one of those times in which the quirky vintage charm of the movie just doesn't make up for the Kmart clearance aisle quality.  I want to like Dr. Humpp's lecherous evil, but I don't want to spend three whole minutes watching him sit at his desk playing with flasks.

Trying to sum up this movie's dissatisfying vibe, I keep thinking of the many scenes in which people who are supposed to be on opposite sides of a room were clearly shot in different rooms on different days.  That disjointedness can get distracting.  The overall product isn't quite bad enough to be good.

For fun I like to pretend the cheapness of the production infused the narrative; that in the world of Mad Science, Dr. Humpp is considered third-rate, a hack.  Even his brain in a jar is crappy at being that, in the end it goes on an angry tirade and catches on fire.

TAKE THAT YOU GODDAMN SEA MONKEYS

Like many, many Horrorthon viewings past and future, I can't exactly recommend this, but it might be enjoyed with a friend or two, or some fireball whiskey, or all of those things.

The Amityville Terror

(2016) **

Todd, along with his wife Jessica and their petulant teenage daughter, Hailey, move into his sister’s sprawling home for temporary housing as the family copes with some recent upheaval. Hailey is unhappy to be there and constantly clashes with her free-spirited aunt. Her mood does not improve when she starts attending high school and runs into a clique of mean girls who attempt to annoy her at every turn. Meanwhile as the family juggles to adapt to their new life, otherworldly things begin to happen in the house. There are strange noises, smells, and Mike’s sister seems possessed. Befriending a local boy, Hailey begins to learn about her home’s dark history and it is a race with the clock to get her family out of the house.

This is the 13th Amityville film of the (almost) 40 year franchise, who knew? I thought I had kept up with the series but a sip of coffee and a quick Google search shamed me. Let’s face it; The Amityville films have never been good. Seriously, have you watched the original recently? It’s terrible and scare-free. Still, there is something fun about the whole idea of a house that fucks with you. Like the Hellraiser film series, the Amityville films have been direct-to-video for years now which means extra gore and at least two boobs. “The Amityville Terror” is really no better/no worse than any of the films in the series and it’s somewhat of a return to form given that a lot of the other installments focus on other things such possessed lamps or dollhouses rather than the mean house. Fun schlock.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show and RHPS:LDTTWA

The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) ****
The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Let's Do the Time Warp Again (2016) *

When I first saw Rocky Horror I was eighteen years old and I was put off by the musical numbers and homoeroticism. I dismissed it as a freak show for social outcasts and that was the end of that. I didn’t revisit it until many years later when Crystal brought me to a midnight showing in El Cerrito. It was still a freak show for social outcasts except I realized that it was a glorious freak show that should be celebrated. My favorite things about California* have always been the progressive mindset and the celebration of cultural diversity and whatever sexual preferences one might have. As you can imagine seeing Rocky Horror in the Bay Area was quite the spectacle and it gave me a whole new appreciation for it. If I'm not mistaken it was the very first "cult classic". I love the infinite possibilities of hilarious shout-outs that can be made by the audience, many of which Crystal had already explored.

I also grew to appreciate the campiness, the low budget 70’s grittiness and the constant sexual innuendos. And what’s not to love about Meat Loaf on a motorcycle? It’s no coincidence that RHPS has developed such a strong following over the years because I cannot think of any other film of its time even remotely like it.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Let’s Do the Time Warp Again removes all traces of everything that was fun, clever, scary and sexually deviant about the original and replaces it with a soulless sanitized American Idol inspired musical shit show. Where’s the sleaze? I don’t need to describe it because it is exactly what you would expect from the High School Musical director. It fails on every level except maybe the costumes.

No, this is not Zoolander you stupid idiot.

The decision to present it as a movie within a movie was particularly insulting and irritating. I can’t even.

In conclusion, it’s not out of the realm of possibility that RHPS: LDTWA might one day become a midnight movie of its own but if it does it will be for all the wrong reasons.

*Aside from the weather, wine, food, beaches and wilderness

Makkhi

aka: Eega

 (2012)****

Nani, a very pleasant and enthusiastic young man is in love with Bindhu a micro artist. Though she continually thwarts his efforts we can see by her hidden smiles that she is just playing hard to get. Their adorable game of cat and mouse is interrupted by Sudeep, a wealthy narcissistic man who is quite boastful about how he can have any woman he wants because he's so rich and powerful and charming (sound familiar). Sudeep spots the beautiful Bindhu and knows he must have her so he donates a large sum of money to her charity and asks her to lunch. Bindhu accepts his invitation, as Sudeep orders he explains that the dish he has asked for is a lovers meal to be shared by two, she is to feed him a spoon and he is to feed her a spoon signifying that their relationship will go beyond friendship but Bindhu isn't listening to him she is watching the nearby Nani who is flirting from a distance in his usual way. When the meal comes she begins to eat without feeding Sudeep, he realizes she is focused on Nani and not him and becomes inwardly enraged. That evening Nani professes his love to Bindhu, yes it's done in song but not Bollywood style, and Binhu finally breaks down and tells Nani she loves him too. She runs up to her apartment to finish an art piece that Nani inspired and as she is running down to show him Nani is kidnapped by Sudeep. Sudeep beats him to death and with his dying words Nani pledges to kill him. This is where the story gets strange, Nani is resurrected as a fly, he is able to reveal his identity to Bindhu who uses her micro skills to erect fly armor and the two set out to put an end to Sudeep. This leads to the most satisfying PITA(pipe in the ass) torturous revenge that I've seen in awhile.

More of a comedy but the revenge is quite sweet. Who would think a fly could get the best of a man but the progression is genius. Nani buzzes in and out of his ears preventing Sudeep from getting any sleep which breaks down his sanity. His henchmen all think he's lost his mind babbling about a fly so they lose respect for him. He blows a huge deal with some colleagues as Nani lands on the investor's head and Sudeep goes in for the kill. I was quite apprehensive about diving into another Indian horror/thriller for these past experience reasons:

a) The language and subtitles are infuriating. Not only do they talk fast and frequent causing you to speed read but they constantly jump from english to hindi and when the english starts the subtitles stop not giving your brain enough time to adjust to listening instead of reading. It's a total mind fuck!

b) Bollywood, enough said.

Makkhi has some of the above but the subtitles continue even when they slip into english, the dialog is at a normal pace and the singing is kept to a minimum without all the Bollywood flare. I rated it high for it's entertainment value and the sweet, sweet revenge. This film is currently streaming on Netflix.