Caption Contest Results!

I'm offering the above as another little bonus because I've of course totally shafted the winner by waiting this long to announce. And also because I wanna gab about the challenge of finding good fodder for the caption contest.

Because it's HARD. Honestly I was more worried about figuring out how to erase the words in the talking balloons. (Julie has Photoshop on her computer, but I've never used it... turns out it was easy). In order to find the strips, I googled "comics," clicked on the first site that came up, then looked through their catalogue for familiar stuff. They only had five of any given strip, so I thought "Great! Not too many to review. I'll just pick the best one of the five."

In retrospect I don't really like the strips I picked, and I'm not even sure I picked the right one out of five in each case. I'm not even sure if the Superboy cover above is a good example, because it doesn't lend itself to too many alternatives (or does it? YOU decide...)

It's a weird batch of criteria that I just began to grasp when I ran my first contest. Let's take a look...

Dick Tracy


This was one of a series in which Dick tracks down crack dealers who use a flour company as their unwitting mule service. I chose it for the action, but in truth I'm not really sure what's going on. It looks the tiny person whose hand we see in panel two is throwing the objects, but for what purpose? It might be because they ate biscuits made with crack instead of flour. Bet those taste good.

Both JPX and Cat took a stab at this one, and I give it to JPX for incorporating the random throwing:

Panel 1:

Earl: "Ouch! Damnit, woman, stop chuckin' things at me! I'm going to smack ya if you keep it up!"

Dick Tracy: "Calm down, Earl, she's going through a tough time, her husband was just murdered"

Panel 2:

Dick Tracy: "Lucinda, I know you're fragile right now but you shouldn't be taking it out on old Earl"

Panel 3:

Lucinda: "It just makes me feel better when I throw things!"

Thug: "Dames"

B.C.


Of the ones I posted, this was my favorite. Not that joke up there, that's pretty dumb, but the image of the guys in the hole. Somewhere in my life I borrowed a bunch of B.C. books from a neighbor and so I know that's supposed to be a caveman dugout, but I looked forward to what my compatriots would come up with. And I was not disappointed, the entries were about sex, sex and sex.

I'm imagining a series of groans when I announce JPX the winner of this one, since JSP uses "buried treasure" beforehand and Cat even uses "Good Lord." But something about the repeated line just cracked me up (I recall from at least one winning haiku that JPX uses that gag well).

Panel 1:

"I've been looking all over for you two. Good lord, what are you doing, why are you digging up the outfield?

Panel 2:

"We're looking for buried treasure"

Panel 3:

"Why are you both naked as a jay bird?"

Panel 4:

"We're looking for buried treasure"

Honorable mention to JSP for the addition of "my mother's freshly dug up grave." Nice one.

Momma


Meh. This was my worst choice. Any of the other four Mommas I could've posted probably would have been more fun, but I liked the facial expressions in this one and I didn't think it would lead you guys too much. And it doesn't, because nothing freaking happens. In terms of dry, impersonal challenge, I though there was no way I could top ACs double whammy of Doonesbury and Life in Hell from last week, but I think maybe I did. The winner of this one is Catfreeek, for daring to make Momma slutty:

Panel 1

Francis: I've finally come to terms with it Momma.

Momma: What's that Francis?

Panel 2

Francis: The reason my relationships never work is because no woman can measure up to you.

Momma: How sweet, go on please.

Panel 3

Francis: So her's the deal, I think we should just put all morality aside and go tear up that bedroom like no tomorrow.

Momma: Hmmmm....

Panel 4

Momma: I thought you'd never ask.


The Left Coast


I've never heard of this strip, but by this point I'd exhausted the known strips and I was just looking for a distinctive visual, and I'm a big fan of the whole monkeys/typewriters idea. Of the three entries, JPX knocked himself to the bottom of the heap when he pretty much divined the actual original joke, except with Sarah Palin instead of Justin Bieber. Weird!

Picking a winner from between JSP and Cat was difficult; I liked Cat's joke better when I was reading the comments:

Panel 1

"Isn't it amazing Smither's, we were able to replace all the hourly staff with chimps and they work for bananas!"

Panel 2

"That's fantastic sir but what's to stop them from replacing us too?"

Panel 3

"Well, I do own the company."

"I'll go clean out my desk."

But ultimately I laughed more when I returned to the picture and imagined Johnny's last panel of dialogue along with those facial expressions:

Panel 1

“The salesman promised me that eventually these monkeys would type a masterpiece every bit as profound as Shakespeare’s best work!”

Panel 2

“With all due respect sir, that’s merely a hypothetical theorum that requires an infinite amount of time.”

“Panel 3”

“Well they sure are adorable, aren’t they?”

“I suppose… except when they’re flinging their feces at each other.”

He also gets props for mentioning "a hypothetical theorum that requires an infinite amount of time," because smart is sexy.

Ripley's Believe It Or Not!


I still think this is a good caption contest source, but I feel like I'd have to pour through many more to find one that didn't have some obvious lead-in from its illustrations. As it is both entries do a great job of knocking through the expectations: AC almost took it because, in addition to the funny, she remembered to end every Ripley's sentence with an exclamation point:

there's a caterpillar native to southern belgium that scares birds away by humming justin bieber tunes!

a man from elkhorn, nevada has such horrible breath that he can shatter a glass just by exhaling!

the world's tallest port-a-potty has its own dedicated truck and maintenance crew!

But I have to give this one to Johnny for identifying one of the players as himself, and furthermore portraying himself as a glass-eating lush.

Left panel

“The rare Fartichordata worm from southern Missouri has the unique ability to scare its ornithological enemies away by means of musical farts.”

Right panel

“Horrorthon icon and man-about-town Johnny Sweatpants has been known to get so panic stricken when he runs out of alcohol that he eats his wine glass to ensure that no drop goes to waste.”

Bottom panel

“In 1954 a law was passed in Alabama making it illegal to anally rape trucks with giant pillars. It is still recognized today as the smartest piece of legislature to come from the state.”

With two wins apiece, I suppose either brother is worthy, but I'm giving this to JPX because his B.C. entry made me laugh the most. I expect the contest will be at least a day late this week, and I apologize for that. I did give JPX a warning phone call earlier in the day but that still isn't a whole lot of time. Memorial Day actually made me forget what day of the week it was.

Anyway, boy do I love this contest. Running one was sooo interesting, even if I was disappointed in some of my choices. I also found it impossible to think of new jokes when I already knew what originally filled the talking balloons, so that's something else to work on in the future. Or maybe the present, as I found the Superboy picture above just like it is, so I don't know what the cover actually says.

Congrats JPX!

DC Comics to renumber all comics, offer day-and-date digital distribution

From ew, Superman, your days are re-numbered! DC Comics today announced that it will begin new numbering for its superhero comics this summer, as well as begin releasing digital editions on the same day print editions are available in stores. The renumbering effort for the publisher’s 52 “DC Universe” titles (i.e., its core superhero business) will start August 31 with Justice League No. 1, which marks the debut of superstar creative team Geoff Johns and Jim Lee. It coincides with the conclusion of its highly-touted “Flashpoint” storyline starring The Flash, an epic mystery concerning an apparent timeline reboot. While it’s not uncommon for publishers to renumber a title (usually in tandem with a creative reboot designed to goose sales), it’s believed that DC’s initiative marks the first time a publisher has renumbered all of its books at once. DC will begin offering day-and-date digital distribution of its titles on August 31 as well.

'Shark Night 3D' looks like fun

X-Men: First Class Is Gonna Be a Great Movie

From toplessrobot, All right, respect. Whatever qualities or problems X-Men: First Class is going to have, it really will feature a scene of January Jones as Emma Frost just hanging out in lingerie as if it was a regular, socially acceptable outfit. While I'm not losing my mind at the Maxim pin-up-iness of it, I do think it's amazing that they've taken this one bizarre character trait of the White Queen and just run it with on-screen. It's probably for the best, because if you've seen Jones try to "act" in any of the million or so film clips that have been released, you'll understand why it's probably a good idea for Jones to be standing around in a bra for most of the film.

Happy Memorial Day!

Jeff Conaway, star of 'Taxi' and 'Grease,' dies

From ew, Jeff Conaway, whose career on screens both big and small spanned from playing the wisecracking rebel Kenickie in the iconic 1978 movie musical Grease to sharing his heartbreaking descent into addiction on two seasons of VH1′s Celebrity Rehab, died Friday at the age of 60, his manager tweeted. He passed away from complications from pneumonia.
Born in New York City, Conaway shot to fame in the ’70s as a quintessential cocky guy: first in the internationally successful Grease and then on the TV hit Taxi, on which he played a similarly brash struggling actor named Bobby Wheeler from 1978 to 1981 (he left the show for its last two seasons). In 1980, he married Grease co-star Olivia Newton-John’s sister, Rona, and had a son named Emerson, though the couple divorced five years later.

After Taxi, his career never quite recovered. He snagged roles on The Bold and the Beautiful in 1989 and Babylon 5 in the ’90s, but his most disturbingly memorable appearance came when he appeared on Celebrity Rehab as one of Dr. Drew Pinsky’s most difficult cases. After a long struggle with addiction, he first appeared on the show’s 2008 season to fight a dependency on alcohol, cocaine, and painkillers. His mumbling, drunk arrival at the Pasadena Recovery Center in a wheelchair, as well as his airing of suicidal thoughts, caused alarm even in the most jaded viewers.

The actor had said in more recent public appearances that he was doing better, but on May 19, he was admitted to a Los Angeles hospital after being found unconscious in his Encino, Calif., home. He remained in a coma for two weeks.

Caption Contest Hump Day Challenge!

Dick Tracy


B.C.


Momma


The Left Coast


Ripley's Believe it or Not!


There you have it, Ninja Funsters! One entry per 'thonner per strip, contest runs till midnight on Saturday, California time. Thank you for your support.

Caption Contest Bonus Round Winners!

"I'll just install this vibrator and my super orgasmatron will be complete. Juuuuuuuulliiiiiiiiee, I have a suprisssse for yoooooooouuuuuuu!"

That one's from Cat, which just cracked me up again with the implication that I immediately turned on my new orgasmatron and yelled to my wife over the vibration. Johnny's "one-eyed monster was trouble enough" gag gets honorable mention.

Snail: I'm telling you, they've all got to go. Bernenke. Greenspan. All of 'em. They should be assassinated one by one. Don't look so shocked.

OP: I guess they did kind of fuck over the entire country.


Snail: More like the entire world. I'm telling you, if I run into one of these guys, it is curtains. Kaput. Endsville. I will kill them so hard. Yeah! That's right. Get excited!


Snail: I have a plan to just crawl very slowly right up their asses. What? It could work.

Despite what it looks like, I didn't just award myself that one; Julie was on my computer and forgot to sign out as me. Really!

Anyway, it doesn't matter, because the REAL contest is about to start.

Congrats, ladies! You get nothing.

CDC begins advertising for Zombie Preparedness

From the CDC Blog, "The rise of zombies in pop culture has given credence to the idea that a zombie apocalypse could happen. In such a scenario zombies would take over entire countries, roaming city streets eating anything living that got in their way. The proliferation of this idea has led many people to wonder “How do I prepare for a zombie apocalypse?”

Well, we’re here to answer that question for you, and hopefully share a few tips about preparing for real emergencies too!" Read the rest.

New 'Green Lantern' Trailer Thoroughly Lays Out Green Lantern Concept

(via iwatchstuff)

Doomsday prophet, followers ‘flabbergasted’ world didn’t end

From yahoo, It's hard to feel bad for someone whose doomsday predictions caused so much anxiety, but 89-year-old Harold Camping's recent admission that he's "flabbergasted" the world didn't end last weekend sounds somewhat pitiful.
"It has been a really tough weekend," Camping said Sunday, after emerging from his Alameda, California home for the first time to talk to a reporter from the San Francisco Chronicle. "I'm looking for answers ... But now I have nothing else to say," he said, adding that he would make a full statement today.

Camping's PR aide, Tom Evans, told the L.A. Times that the group is "disappointed" that 200 million true believers weren't lifted up to heaven on Saturday while everyone else suffered and eventually died as a series of earthquakes and famine destroyed the Earth. "You can imagine we're pretty disappointed, but the word of God is still true," Evans said. "We obviously went too far, and that's something we need to learn from." The group posted 2,000 billboards around the country warning of the rapture, while Camping--an uncertified fundamentalist minister--spread the word on his radio show.

Camping's Family Radio, which airs on 66 U.S. stations, has apparently rebranded itself quickly. Business Insider notes that the station's website has scrubbed all mentions of the Judgment Day. The site previously featured a countdown clock to the May 21 rapture on its homepage.

But the false prediction might not be so easily effaced from the lives of Camping's followers. The L.A. Times writes that Keith Bauer, a 38-year-old tractor trailer driver, took a road trip with his family to see the Grand Canyon before the world ended.
"With maxed-out credit cards and a growing mountain of bills, he said, the rapture would have been a relief," the paper writes.
But Bauer is not angry at Camping for his false prediction. "Worst-case scenario for me, I got to see the country," he told the paper. "If I should be angry at anybody, it should be me."

Robert Fitzpatrick, who spent $140,000 of his life savings to advertise the rapture in New York, said he was dumbfounded when life went on as usual Saturday.

"I do not understand why ...," he told Reuters while awaiting the event in Times Square. "I do not understand why nothing has happened."

An NPR reporter talked to two Camping followers on Sunday. "One man, his voice quavering, said he was still holding out hope that they were one day off. Another believer asserted that their prayers worked: God delayed judgment so that more people could be saved, but the end is 'imminent,'" she reported.

Evans, Camping's PR aide, told NPR he hopes Family Radio will reimburse followers who spent their savings in anticipation of the rapture, but that he can't guarantee it.

Protesters gathered outside Camping's radio headquarters to mock the false prophecy over the weekend. Some of them set aloft a toy cow with balloons to lampoon the idea that a select elite would ascend to heaven. Meanwhile, other religious groups tried to recruit disappointed Camping followers.

Ninja Fun

I am so proud to have had such great Horrorthon representation in the as yet unnamed film I have been working on forever. JSP & Whirly agreed to be ninjas along with Whirly sister and my friend Tracy. JPX was there for support as well although he did not suit up for ninja antics.

Tracy & JSP bravely trusted me to rip their throats out. They got to play the victims in one of the best death scenes in the film. They were great, writhing and twitching as blood shot out of their throats.

Here they are all dead and bleeding out. Good stuff!

I got to make an eyeball for an eye pop out scene. Look at those bloody tendrils...mmmm.

Thanks for being a part of the craziness guys, it was a long fun night and I'm so glad you guys were there.

Here It Is: "Wonder Woman" in Short Shorts

From worstpreviews, We recently found out that after all the trouble, NBC decided not to pick up the "Wonder Woman" TV series. NBC Entertainment chairman Robert Greenblatt said the reason why the show wasn't picked up is because it simply didn't fit into the network's schedule.

He then added that the negative feedback from fans regarding the costume had nothing to do with the ultimate decision. "That didn't have anything to do with whether the show got picked up," said Greenblatt. "All that engagement from people whether it was positive or negative was good. And [Adrianne Palicki] did ultimately have these little hot pants."

At the time, it was obvious that we'll never see Wonder Woman's short shorts. But surprisingly, a photo of just that appeared online today.

(crappy) The Amazing Spider-Man teaser poster

X-Men: First Class pretty awesome?

From slashfilm, On Saturday, I had the opportunity to see Matthew Vaughn‘s X-Men: First Class. Over the last year, we’ve heard about how the film had morphed from the original concept of X-Men Origins: Magneto into a prequel/reboot in the same style of what JJ Abrams did for the Star Trek franchise. I can confirm that the completed film is exactly both of these things. It fits right in with Bryan Singer’s first two X-Men films and is probably the second best film in the series next to X-Men United. And I say that with a certain but of nostalgia for the sequel, as it came out at a time when comic book adaptations didn’t strive to be anything more than popcorn fun. But the more and more I think about it, the more and more I think Vaughn’s film might have surpassed it.

Going into the film, I had so many expectations (most of which were set-up by the trailers). I had assumed that the advertising was being packed with all the moments in an effort to sell a action-less origin story, but I was surprised at how much action was actually the film. I don’t think anyone will see this movie and come out disappointed. It strikes a great balance of being accessible to non-comic book fans and packing some pretty cool easter eggs that comic geeks will love (I will keep this vague as I don’t want to spoil any of the fun).

While I have read a lot of X-Men comics in the 1990′s, I’m not really clear on the origins on some of these characters and what events in the comic universe led to certain situations. So while I’m unable to assess how faithful it is to comic book canon, I will say that everything is handled quite nicely. Picky fans might notice some continuity nitpicks and possible timeline issues (especially if you look at this as a prequel to the film series), but nothing major

And Vaughn adds his trademark style to the series in all the right moments, without making the cinematography feel out of place in the period setting. For example, one such moment (and I wouldn’t consider a spoiler in any way) is Hank McCoy’s transformation into Beast. Vaughn handles the sequence like a werewolf transformation, but shot in a way I’ve never seen it before, from Hank’s POV. It is very cool. There is a bit of cheesy dialogue, especially in the scenes that focus on the younger mutants. But at the core, this is a story about Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr (played brilliantly in this film by James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender), two best friends who will become enemies at the center of the mutant revolution.

Box Office

From cinemablend, Summer got into full swing this weekend with the first major anticipated blockbuster arriving in theaters.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides swash-buckled onto the scene with a year-to-date best opening of $90 million. While that's no skin off an old flint's nose, it is the lowest debut total for a Pirates of the Caribbean movie since the first in the series Curse of the Black Pearl.

Of course Captain Jack Sparrow and mates are hardly hurting for booty. When you roll in sales around the world the movie has banked a whopping $346 million so far, a good deal over it's extravagant $250 million budget.

Overall On Stranger Tides may have seen a dip in box office performance from its predecessors, but it's proven that even with a major cast overhaul and a new general direction, the franchise is still worth its weight in buried pirate treasure.

What does this cash influx mean for the overall ailing box office? Total sales (bloated 3D ticket prices and all) are still more than 10% down from where they were this time last year which means ticket sales numbers are even lower. But there may be hope. June's line up of sequels to popular franchises could spell a recovery for ticket sales.

Meanwhile three week-old Thor didn't just drop from first place. The superhero slipped all the way to third place sliding past popular Bridesmaids which lost only 20% of its ticket sales from last weekend.

First look at Bane from 'The Dark Knight Rises'!

From ew, The Internet was all aflame today, thanks the inaugural “happening” in the viral web campaign for The Dark Knight Rises. It involved decoding an ominous audio track playing on thedarkknightrises.com, which apparently led you to the Twitter hashtag #thefirerises, which then led you to a photo-mosaic of Tom Hardy as the masked villain Bane, which finally led to the full image you can see above. Did I mention this film started shooting yesterday?

More to the point: Holy Trapezius, Batman! That is some wickedly terrifying back musculature. Bane also appears to be wearing some kind of ominous, skull-like headgear that wouldn’t look out of place at a Slipknot concert, but I’m still stuck on the fact that it looks like Bane’s back could punch me in the face.

Introducing Mr. & Mrs. Handsome Stan

Several Horrorthoners had the distinct pleasure of attending the epic union of Hawk (Handsome Stan) & his lovely bride Animal (Krista). The setting so elegant, flickering candles complemented by delicate flowers while the gentle sound of Star Wars music wafted through the air.

Stan's entrance was most regal as he proudly marched through an arc of light sabers. What an entrance!

He was followed by his most beautiful bride who descended from a long staircase looking quite stunning.

As the fantastically unique ceremony came to conclusion, the deal was sealed with a kiss. Then the party began.

We all loved the band. It was like being transported in time back to a day when Motown ruled the airways. Amazing!

Try as he may Stan was unable to stop the circulation of this adorable picture from his boyhood. Oh Stan, you know this one is going to come back to haunt you on this blog for many, many years, right.

As the night wound down several familiar faces gathered by the fire sharing drinks and conversation.

While a light saber wielding Stan heroically rescued his bride from some unknown force.

As Tony & I said our goodbyes we revisited a familiar scene. I came to the conclusion that while Stan may have been quite brave as he entered the life long contract of marriage, he's still frightened by Tony.

Caption Contest bonus round part two! IT'S A STRIP!

Panel 1

Panel 2


Panel 3


Panel 4

Sure to be a sad day for JSP and Stan

"'Macho Man' Randy Savage dies in car accident."

Legendary wrestler Randy Savage, known to fans as "Macho Man," died in a car accident in Tampa, Fla., on Friday, according to TMZ. He was 58.

According to the Florida Highway Patrol, Savage was driving his Jeep Wrangler when he veered across a concrete median, through oncoming traffic, and "collided head-on with a tree." He was transported to Largo Medical Center, where he died. Savage's wife of one year, Lynn, was a passenger but sustained only minor injuries, according to TMZ.

Savage's brother, Lanny Poffo told TMZ that the wrestler suffered a heart attack while he was driving and then lost control of the vehicle.

Savage joined the World Wrestling Federation in 1985 and became a star with the catchphrase "ooooooh yeaaaahhh."

Am I the only one who hates this ad campaign?

Does Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides suck?

From worstpreviews the film is shorter—at 128 minutes, it is a full forty-one less than "At World's End"—but the plot is just as much of a hodge-podge, most of the characters are lifeless and one-note, and the action set-pieces verge on the incomprehensible due to poor camerawork, dumpy choreography, and over-caffeinated editing. So inconsequential that it begins to erase from one's memory the second each image passes by, the film is yet another poster-child example for summer movie spectacle gone bad. There is nothing to care about, nothing to think about, nothing to get excited about, and nothing to walk away with. Were it not for having wasted a $200-million budget, the case could be made that it might as well not even exist at all.

Read the full review here

From ew [excerpt], Watching this lead balloon of a tall tale, in which you can see around every corner, I actually began to wish that, say, Russell Brand had been handed the role of Jack Sparrow, or had at least played his even less sane brother. Jack, more than ever, is now front and center, the focal point of every scene, and the result is that he's become less of a jester and more of a colorless expository hero. He ticks off the story for us, point by point, instead of standing to the side lobbing little verbal bombs at it. Depp's delivery is still amusingly sozzled, but the performance has lost any trace of surprise or merry deranged zing. The more Jack says, the less funny he is.

Read the full review here

From usatoday [excerpt], Familiar and predictable, this Pirates reboot is often incoherent and crammed with pointless details. The more sequels spun off, the clearer it becomes that one movie about these swashbucklers would have sufficed.

Read the full review here

From thenewyorktimes, On Stranger Tides” is protected from the consequences of its own mediocrity by the mere fact that it is opening in thousands of theaters on Friday. People will go, and more energy will be expended parsing the box-office returns than discussing the merits of the film, which is likely to be judged entertaining enough and therefore, in the end, not much fun at all.

Read the full review here

Stephen King sounds off on new 'Carrie' remake -- EXCLUSIVE

From ew, Thirty-five years after Stephen King’s first best-seller roared into theaters and scared a generation of prom-going teens, MGM and Screen Gems have hired playwright Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa to resurrect Carrie with a more faithful adaptation of King’s novel, according to Deadline.

But King, who famously disapproved of Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of The Shining, tells EW he still has a soft spot for Brian De Palma’s original film: “I’ve heard rumblings about a Carrie remake, as I have about The Stand and It. Who knows if it will happen? The real question is why, when the original was so good? I mean, not Casablanca, or anything, but a really good horror-suspense film, much better than the book. Piper Laurie really got her teeth into the bad-mom thing. Although Lindsay Lohan as Carrie White… hmmm. It would certainly be fun to cast. I guess I could get behind it if they turned the project over to one of the Davids: Lynch or Cronenberg.”

Aguirre-Sacasa, who recently rewrote the Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark script, is an accomplished comic-book author familiar with the King oeuvre; he adapted King’s epic The Stand into comic-book form in 2008.

Kirk Cameron on Stephen Hawking: ‘He Ain’t So Smart’

From thesuperficial, Kirk Cameron is a high school graduate who starred on a sitcom where his best friend’s name is Boner and then fell headfirst into evangelical Christianity where he makes money telling people the banana is all the proof we need that God exists. Stephen Hawking is a world-renowned physicist and one of the greatest minds of our generation who recently told The Guardian that heaven is a “fairy story for people afraid of the dark.” Guess who’s calling who an idiot. TMZ reports:

Cameron tells us, “Professor Hawking is heralded as ‘the genius of Britain,’ yet he believes in the scientific impossibility that nothing created everything and that life sprang from non-life.”
He adds, “Why should anyone believe Mr. Hawking’s writings if he cannot provide evidence for his unscientific belief that out of nothing, everything came?”
… “[Hawking] says he knows there is no Heaven. John Lennon wasn’t sure. He said to pretend there’s no Heaven. That’s easy if you try. Then he said he hoped that someday we would join him. Such wishful thinking reveals John and Stephen’s religious beliefs, not good science.”

Granted, Stephen Hawking has about as much proof there isn’t a “heaven” as Kirk Cameron has that there is, Stephen Hawking does have evidence that the Bible is a heavily-edited manuscript written which allows him to rule out the possibility of a Christian heaven populated by an old guy with a white beard and hippie son. Whereas Kirk Cameron believes fossils are a trick of the devil because the earth’s only 6,000 years old, and the people who wrote the Bible simply forgot to mention the massive thunder lizards they kept as pets.

PAUL: Hey, should I write a chapter about Chompy here?
PETER: Who wants to read about a giant lizard that eats men? Stick to the good stuff.