The Lost Boys

(1987) ***1/2

My quest this October is to see a number of classic horror flicks that I've never seen but that I think everyone else has seen. Cue The Lost Boys.

Spectacularly 80's-tastic! The early on perfectly 80's movie montage to the Door's People are Strange definitely put me in the mood for the fun vampy ride.

Recently divorced mom (played by Dianne Wiest who for some reason I can only think of as her Parenthood character) brings her two sons, Sam (Corey Haim) and Michael (Jason Patric), to her taxidermying father's house in the fictional California coastal town of Santa Carla.

Santa Carla we find out from the back of a billboard is the murder capitol of the world and the beach boardwalk amusement park is covered in missing people flyers. The brother's check out the nightlife but get separated when Michael follows Star (Jami Gertz) into the hands of David (Kiefer Sutherland) and his gang of motorcycle riding vampires. Sam meanwhile, heads off to a comic book store where he finds two brothers (the other Corey and Jamison Newlander), who hand him a comic book as a warning about the vampires. Michael gets turned, and Sam and his new friends fight to rid Santa Carla of the vamps. Hilarity ensues with lots of blood, garlic, flying, some maggots, holy water filled squirt guns, two classic teenybopper portrait posters: Jim Morrison and Molly Ringwald, and fun quotes:

"Are you free-basing Michael? Inquiring minds want to know"

"My own brother, a shit sucking vampire! Wait until Mom finds out"

"It's that girl from the boardwalk. Is she one of them? [Star floats up to the second story window] She's one of them! And don't tell me it doesn't make her a bad person, Mike."

"Great: the blood-sucking Brady Bunch"

Current vs late-80's teen swoon worthy guys. Anyone else notice how what's "hot" has changed in the last 20 years?

I enjoyed a ton of stuff in this movie (decent acting, great vampire makeup, 80s-tastic dialogue and well played vampire lore), but the longer I watched, the more annoying the Corey's became. Keifer, on the other hand, stays awesome throughout. I love that they didn't make him a pretty vampire. No sparkling in the sun bullshit here and he's still a huge 80's crush. Its not the Jack Bower effect, it is the Kiefer Sutherland effect. Kiefer succeeds as a sexy bad boy vamp--unlike Twilight's Robert Pattinson who is just an emotionally abusive twit. Poor tweenagers these days don't even know what "bad boy" is:

Overall I had great fun watching this flick, loved the bits of classic vampire lore, and am glad that the reign of the Corey's lasted just as long as it did.

American Psycho

(2000) **1/2

Tami did a fantastic job of reviewing this earlier this month. It was such an entertaining review that I've waited over three weeks to post my review as I'm sure it will pale in comparison. I'm going with Tami's original two star rating, but adding 1/2 star for a scene where Christian Bale channels his inner Jim Carrey dance right before hacking Jared Leto to death.

The Beyond

(1981) ***1/2



Lucio Fulci is mostly remembered as a gore pioneer and torch bearer during the late 70’s and early 80’s. If one of his films managed to make it into American cinemas it would be a heavily censored, poorly dubbed shell of its former self. This is exactly the fate that befell The Beyond, which was butchered, neutered and renamed Seven Doors of Death when it hit the states 2 years after its European release. The legend of the unrated version amassed a cult following. Bootleg VHS tapes copied from the uncut Japanese Laserdisc began changing sweaty hands from nerd to nerd at Holiday Inn convention rooms across the land. If there's one thing I know about nerds it's that if you tell them they can't have something that will only make them want it more. God bless the bootleggers! Eventually a proper director's cut was released on DVD. In 1998 the uncut version was unleashed to midnight theaters and it grossed over a million dollars. Justice at last!

I danced a jig when I learned that my copy had the Italian audio option. Watching it in its original language was infinitely more enjoyable although it didn’t make the story any more coherent. Fulci claimed to be paying homage to Surrealist French playwright Antonin Arnaud and fans praise The Beyond’s dreamlike quality. My personal theory is that he couldn’t be arsed into constructing a decent plot and instead focused solely on the flesh eating tarantulas, the popping eyeballs, the acid burns and the exploding heads. Not that I’m complaining. Of the handful of Fulci movies I’ve seen I would rank this one near the top. All you really need to know about the story is that a plumber accidentally opens a portal to Hell in the basement of a Louisiana hotel. Zombies exit the portal and nasty, disgusting things ensue. There's a mysterious blind girl thrown to confuse you but I chose to ignore her as very little of what she said made sense. She may or may not have existed anyway.



Some of Fulci’s special effects can look laughably fake but other times they’re convincing and occasionally stomach churning. You must admire the dedication he had towards making his audience want to vomit. The zombies look fantastic, second only to those in Zombi 2. Ultimately I think this movie is worth watching if you're a fan of the genre but it would serve best being played in the background at a zombie themed party or rave.

Grimm Love

(2006) ***1/2

So this guy makes a deal with another guy to let him eat him starting with his penis. The deal is he cuts the penis off first, cooks it and they share it. After that he can kill him and eat the rest. Sounds pretty sick, huh. Now how about if I tell you that part is actually true. This film is based on the warped love affair and concentual cannibalism between Armin Meiwes and his victim Bernd Juergen Brandes. The names were changed for the film. The premise of the film focuses on graduate student Katie Armstrong as she studies the morbid case for her thesis. As she delves deeper into the story she finds herself more involved and mentally distraught by the story of these men.


First of all let me say fuck Afterdark Horrorfest, Fangoria Frightfest is where it's at! I have tackled a few of these films and they all deliver the goods. No four or five star flicks yet but the ones I've seen are pretty solid and have some balls. Grimm Love certainly delivers those balls and a sauteed penis along with them. The idea of a student researching this works so much better than if they had just told the story of the men directly. We go along for the emotional ride with Katie as she uncovers each disturbing detail. I actually felt nauseous by the end of the film. What a world my friends, what a world.

Jesus Camp

A good argument for abortion.

(2006) ****

Clearly the scariest movie I've seen this year. This documentary highlights some crazy bible thumping republicans as they brainwash their children. They have high hopes that their creepy little darlings will become the next Billy Graham or George W. Bush. They teach them to sing and dance to Jesus musicals and to speak in tongues among other crap. As they are churning out good little evangelists, they prepare to release their evil spawn into the world for the greater good. Some people shouldn't be allowed to breed. These are by far the creepiest kids of all. I'd rather hang out with a pack of Satanists, they have more fun.

New Year's Evil

(1980) **

It’s New Year’s Eve and Punk rocker, Blaze, is hosting a live televised nationwide celebration from a Hollywood hotel. During the course of the event she intends to count down to the new year starting with the East Coast, then Central, then Mountain, all leading up to her big West Coast New Year’s celebration. As the party gets rolling she reminds viewers that they have the opportunity to call in and request their favorite tunes. Using a voice changing device, one of the callers, identifying himself as “Evil”, informs Blaze that he intends to murder someone as each time zone reaches midnight. True to his word he murders his first victim, records it on tape, and plays it back to Blaze over the air. With the clock ticking Blaze teams up with the world’s worst police inspector in a race against time to stop the next murder and unmask this deranged individual.


'Blaze' is a little long in the tooth

Wow, more 80s piffle that I did not know existed! New Year’s Evil is a low budget, lazy affair and it shows. The big New Year’s Celebration looks like it takes place in a high school gymnasium and the punk “icon’ Blaze is a bit too weathered to convince me that all the boys in the audience would be so star struck. Inexplicably the killer is revealed early on taking away any possible suspense this silliness might garner. The real reason to watch New Year’s Evil is because it’s a time capsule of how people in the 80s imagined how Sunset Boulevard must be with its portrayal of roving Hell’s Angels, punk rockers making a complete nuisance of themselves, and women flashing their breasts. Come to think of it, that is how I imagine Sunset Boulevard. The film contains many punk rock performances from the kind of punk rock bands that only seem to exist in movies like Return of the Living Dead. Throughout the film I was reminded why I dislike this kind of music so much. The other reason to watch this movie is because the killer’s mask in one scene is really good and I was green with envy the moment I spied it.

Tales From the Crypt

(1972) ***1/2



Based on the paperback edition of the EC comics, Tales From the Crypt is an above average 5 part anthology film involving five strangers that get separated from their tour group and find themselves trapped in ancient catacombs. A monk-like Crypt Keeper holds them captive and one at a time reveals their doomed futures. At first it doesn’t seem like the sightseers have anything in common but the Crypt Keeper soon exposes them all as morally bankrupt jerks who deserve their respective fates.

In And All Through the House, Joan Collins offs her husband in a poorly conceived insurance scam. Why she picks Christmas Eve to commit murder in the living room while her young daughter lays in bed anticipating Santa completely escaped me. She has no plan to dispose of the body and her situation is exacerbated by an unanticipated (awesome!) threat. All in all it’s an effectively dark, if uncomplicated yarn that literally made me jump.

Reflection of Death follows a man who abandons his family for his mistress only to get involved in a nasty car wreck. He awakens to a double bummer. His wife is with another man and his mistress is blind from the accident. I can’t elaborate further with spoiling but there are a couple of nifty twists. Let’s move on, shall we?

I read wonderful things about the third story Poetic Justice and thankfully it delivered. Peter Cushing plays Arthur Grumsdyke, a kindly old garbage man adored by children and animals. His pompous neighbor feels that his very presence in the neighborhood lowers property values and through a mean-spirited campaign of harassment, drives him to suicide. Fortunately justice has a way of triumphing in Tales from the Crypt, in fiendishly satisfying ways. Cushing pours his heart into this mini-role (drawing from the grief he experienced over the recent death of his wife) and his shabby, pitiable character is noticeably different from the confident, sophisticated personas he's better known for.



In the weakest episode Wish You Were Here, we get a different take on the old Monkey’s Paw story. The wife of a businessman on the brink of bankruptcy discovers a Chinese figurine that grants wishes. She learns the age old lesson "be careful what you wish for" the hard way.

Blind Alleys closes the film strongly. A former major takes charge of a home for the blind and cruelly diminishes their already meager living conditions for financial gain. His remorselessness to the handicapped establishes him as the perfect villain. In one shamelessly heart tugging yet compelling scene, a blind man pleads for better treatment, stating that blind people feel hunger and numbing cold more because of their heightened senses. Unmoved, Major Rogers summons his attack dog to end the conversation. When one man dies from the cold the tenants band together to exact revenge.

I have a high tolerance for early 70's British horror but I agree with JPX that they are often slow builders with little payoff. However Tales From the Crypt avoids the long windedness due to the anthology format and the result is 5 engaging stories with little fat to trim. It's worth seeking out for Poetic Justice alone.

Frozen

(2010) ***

Three snowboarding friends attempt to get around the exorbitant lift fees by bribing and lying to the ski lift operator. Karma catches up to them as the lift operator goes off-duty while our snowboarders are going up for a ride, and then the whole thing is shut down while they're still up there. This is a Sunday night and the resort doesn't open up again until Friday. What will they do?

This has already been reviewed a few times previously, so I won't belabor it. Also, I pretty much agree with everything that has been said before. There are two sides to this movie. On one side, it is actually an intelligent and serious approach to what conversations and emotions would appear amongst young people who have a copious amount of time to contemplate their own death. At the same time, in order to have these conversations, the characters gloss over the fact that their predicament really isn't that dire.

And as viewers, we must accept that a character decides it would be better to jump off a 50 foot ski lift rather than climb acroos the cable to the next post and climb down. We must also accept that a character's first reaction is throw a scarf at a passing snowmobile rather than a snowboard.

I feel this film had a lot of potential, but would've been much better if the setting had been something a little more serious than a ski lift. I'm curious to see what Danny Boyle will do with the topic in next week's 127 Hours.

The Dunwich Horror

(1970) **1/2

Wilbur Whateley of the notorious Dunwich Whateley family will do just about anything to get his hands on the ancient Necronamicon book. He is hell bent on performing a ritual to help the old ones slip through into this dimension.


Why is it so many H.P. Lovecraft stories fail when adapted to film? This wasn't altogether bad but it just seemed to fall short of good. Perhaps it was Dean Stockwells incessant monotone voice droning throughout the film. Maybe it's the depth of his writing that makes it impossible to properly adapt. I'm sure the 1970 hair and fashion didn't help any either. It's hard to say. The substance of the story is all there but it's like the Tin Man, missing a heart. When it comes to Lovecraft films, I'll stick with the Re-Animator's, Dagon and From Beyond. Who am I kidding, you know I'm gonna end up doing a Lovecraft marathon next year, for better or worse. Horrorthon!

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer

(1986) ****

To truly understand the complexity of Henry, you first have to know what made the monster. This film is based on the real life serial killer Henry Lee Lucas. The man had an abomination of a mother, whose vile treatment turned her boy into a soulless killer. Henry was smart, killing each victim in a different method and never using the same gun twice. He lived with Otiss Toole and his sister Becky. He brings Otis along on his ventures teaching him the rules of the trade. We get to tag along with them.


Henry is one of the most disturbing films. I saw this years ago and I'm happy to report that it packs just as much punch today. Michael Rooker does a phenomenal job as Henry. He's soft spoken and even kind, at least when it comes to Becky anyway. What makes this a stand out film is the realism of it. Henry and Otis do normal everyday things. They go to the store, they chat over dinner, watch tv and like to have fun. Henry's instruction time with Otis is as smooth as a father trying to teach his son how to fix the car. This alone makes this film scary, Henry is just so normal. I can thoroughly see why victims fall prey to these sociopaths. Christ, I would have trusted him. The victims have no warning of what's to come. Even when Otis gets riled up Henry calms him down and appears to be the rational one. Then bang! This is the kind of film everyone should watch, just to be aware that serial killers don't lurk about like Jason or invade dreams like Freddy. The guy next door could have a dozen bodies buried in his basement as he smiles and waves to you each morning. Scary thought? Yes it is.

Apartment 1303

(2007) ***

On the day that Sayaka moves into her first apartment she almost immediately begins behaving in a peculiar manner. Before her partying friends can act, she leaps off her balcony to her death. A few days later Sayaka’s sister, Mariko, is burdened with the depressing chore of cleaning out her deceased sister’s place. While packing up Sayaka’s belongings Mariko experiences a feeling of dread which she is unable to identify. As the police investigate Sayaka’s strange suicide a detective informs Mariko that her sister is the 5th person living in the apartment to die in this manner. Together the two investigate the apartment’s history, which leads them to the discovery of a horrifying secret and a devastating curse.

The director of this arguably slight J-horror offering uses his meager budget with concision and economy to weave a semi-effective vengeful ghost tale. He gets the story rolling quickly via teenagers and some blatant exposition,



He throws in the requisite cheap scares early on to quickly engage the audience. For example, there is a ghost milling about the elevator for no apparent reason except to freak us the hell out,



Apartment 1307 borrows liberally from both JUON and The Ring. Despite the blatant rip-off and my previous complaints that J-horror doesn’t scare me anymore, I had to bump up this review with an extra half-star because of this scene where a vengeful ghost uses hair power to maul 3 girls,



American haunted house stories are typically set at night and in large sprawling mansions. Given the realities of a cramped Japan, I’ve been surprised with the effectiveness of these Japanese ghost stories that take place small dwellings and, often, in daylight. JUON, for example, was set in a petite home but Apartment 1303 takes place in a tiny one bedroom apartment in a large high rise. Apparently size does not matter when you’re haunting someone. There are a few good scares to be had in this slight offering but nothing you haven’t seen before.