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I see that others have tread this comedic path before me, i.e. “not really horror movies” (High School Musical, etc). However, this film I figured was my next best candidate for review for the following reasons:
1) It was the first movie I ever worked on.
2) Brad Pitt does play, after all, Death.
3) The following things about the movie can all qualify as “horrifying:” the overall box office grosses, the actors’ performances, the comparison between the budget, and the elements that that money was actually spent on, why it was spent in the first place, and to round it all out, the actual haircut Brad Pitt sports thoughout.
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Take a good, long look at THAT one.
The film is loosely based on “Death Takes A Holiday” (1934) starring Fredrich March and a bunch of other people who are probably dead now. The total budget amounted to about $37.64, which in 2007 dollars converts to about $400 million. The running time was 79 minutes, which becomes important later. It did reasonably well, all things considered, and based on the fact that it fell into the category of so-so Hollywood movie from 60-plus years ago with no franchise potential and zero public clamoring for a remake, they, quite obviously, decided to remake it.
So we now jump to 1997, where Meet Joe Black has been green-lit. The actual budget ended up topping out at around $250 million (only reported as $150 or less, fearing public backlash), which based on its overall, world-wide box-office performance, ended up being one of the proportionately worst films ever made, dollar for dollar. (In 2007 dollars, $250 mil equates to about $17 trillion.) Waterworld, on the other hand, largely got trashed unnecessarily because of its $200 million budget (1st time ever...oooo!) but it at least had the decency to rip off The Road Warrior, and do an arguably pretty damn good job of doing it (big whoop - wanna fight about it?) Not so with MJB. [Sidebar: if you watch the credits (which you should do anyway because my name appears about 35 minutes into them) the director’s name is listed as Alan Smithee, something other than Martin Brest, who directed Midnight Run and a couple other good things. He was, in actual fact, the director, but after the release, he requested that his name be taken off the film and changed to a pseudonym. ‘Pseudonym,’ of course, being a French term for “I am the worst director of all time, and I am now going to go over here and disembowel myself.”]
So here I am, fresh from film school, working as a Production Assistant on this monstrosity of a movie. My very first job ever was to sit on a folding chair right outside the cavernous Hair & Make-Up tent, and, using the clicker in my hand, count how many women of the 600 we had (also 600 men), who were fully camera-ready, in their formal dresses, hair and make-up completely done. That number would determine how they set up the first shot, based on how many party guests they could see. I was clearly an integral cog in the production machine.
So, sitting there, clicking away, surrounded by Teamsters who somehow found the time to tear themselves away from their busy work to stand, arms folded, watching elegant beautiful women in evening gowns sweep through the room, I found myself reflecting on the fact that I could remain in this industry, if this is how it is. (Bear in mind I am still weeks away from discovering the “Craft Service Table,” which is the constantly-replenished snack table that you can go to at any time for a cup of coffee, donut, roast beef sandwich, hot pretzel, or what have you. [Sidebar within parentheses: on Civil Action, my next movie, the Craft Service Truck had a Hot Dog roller machine. I went from my usual 175 pounds to an unheard-of 195 pounds in six weeks.] So there was much left for me to discover on this one. And I do spend a lot of time in parentheses.)
In my downtime in the Extras Holding Tent, which could have also doubled as a Barnum & Bailey sideshow area (i.e., it was friggin huge), I read the script.
Now, I’m not much of a writer (polite humble cough), but I know when I’m reading utter tripe. Page after page of this movie unfolded before my eyes, and the only thought that kept occurring to me was, “They are spending this much money on THIS?” I was just a fresh-faced film student, but if I were suddenly given $200 million to make Whatever I Wanted, this movie would probably rank somewhere near the Absolutely Very Last Thing I Would Ever Even Consider, right below a remake of The Poseidon Adventure. (“The world is crying out for it! It must be done!”) Better to spend the money on Jessica Alba, sitting in a bikini, reading the entire contents of the phone book for two hours. (“Ahem. Aaron Aaronson. 212 555-1234, etc.”)
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Overall, one could describe my reaction as “horrified.” (Gotta try to tie it back in somehow…)
So, on to the review. This movie clocks in at 173 minutes, which is 94 minutes beyond what the original took to tell the same story. As some reviewer put it: “At the 79-minute mark, when Death Takes A Holiday has already finished, Meet Joe Black still has yet to have anything significant actually happen.” The movie itself is beautifully photographed by Emmanuel “Chivo” Lubeski, but you could beautifully photograph a dog pooping by a tree and it still doesn’t change what you’re looking at.
And the lighting: the guy had six or seven separate cranes, each at least 150 feet in extended length, being used for the sole purpose of throwing simulated “moonlight” on trees way in the distance of the background of the close-ups of Brad and Claire. I was flabbergasted at this seemingly obvious (to everyone but me) hemorrhaging of money. The amount of manpower, equipment, and lighting gear used simply to make the tops of trees look like they had a moon shining down on them is absolutely, utterly absurd, and in a word, horrifying.
The way to watch this movie and not be horrified (such a staple of Horrorthon) is to start the movie, enjoy the performances and the set-up for the first 20 minutes up until Brad Pitt's body gets really fucking creamed by two different bits of crosstown traffic in NYC (an impressive shot), and then fast-forward five and a half hours to the tail end of the credits, where my name goes scrolling up the screen as one of eight Production Assistants. Brilliant viewing.
And Claire Forlani is one of the unsung total hotties out there in Hollywood. An ass you could bounce a quarter off of. She looks great in this one, but the ensuing years haven’t been so kind to her. But, here, she’s pretty goddamn hot.
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And two other things that were really cool: 1) that picture above of Jessica Alba. Jesus H. Christ. And, ah, B), for an entire week, from 11pm until 5am, we blew up some of the largest fireworks displays I have ever seen at the lowest altitudes I have ever seen. Residents kept complaining, but we kept blowing shit up. All week long. One of the producers actually got on the walkie-talkie at one point and asked the 1st A.D. if there were any extras actually on fire. THAT'S how low they were. Totally awesome shit. Oh, and I guess 3) as well: the flights landing at T.F. Green Airport were coming directly over the set on Day 1, so they called the F.A.A. and RE-ROUTED all incoming flights to Providence for a month and a half. Now THAT'S moviemaking. Still doesn't justify the total crap movie, though.
And JPX, thanks for your help today. I’ve been running a daily Super-Hard Star Wars Trivia Contest at work, and once October is over I’ll share some of the questions with everybody on this site. Last Friday’s was damn near impossible to solve, unless you happenend to be me…
FINAL REVIEW:
Meet Joe Black as a film - what's the smallest fraction of a star? .01 *
One particular moment several dozen minutes into the credits - *****
Thon!
ps. shameless personal plug: these last few weeks, my name is crawling up movie screens across the country (as the 2nd 2nd Assistant Director) on 2 films: Gone Baby Gone and Michael Clayton. Go see 'em. In between viewing countless horror movies.
14 comments:
handsomestan- thanks for the awesome inside scoop on meet joe black, even if the end product was an overpriced crapwich.
re: your shameless personal plug, i am a huge dennis lehane fan, so before i go see gone baby gone (after horrorthon ends of course), can you reassure me that the movie is either a. true to the novel or b. good?
Not having actually seen it, and having been very close to the final product (i.e., not having the most detached viewpoint), I can only tell you that what I hear from people uninvolved with the production is that it is a friggin excellent, powerful film, and performance-wise, very well done, even on the part of ("How did he get THAT job?") Casey Affleck.
However, put a Casey Affleck cardboard-cutout next to Morgan Feeman talking, and you'll still be impressed with Casey, just for having been there.
I did not read the book, though I should have, but from what I always understood the script was faithful to a fault and Lehane himself was on set a bunch of times, and therefore, gave his personal stamp of approval, if that counts for anything.
So, a. yes I'm sure, and b. I hope so.
I can't believe how fast this shit happens. In the time it took to write and edit MJB's review, two other reviews popped up along with comments. I am seriously impressed.
thanks for the reassurance handsomestan! i will definitely see gone baby gone in the theater some time in november. hell, i'll even post a review if i still have the energy.
I'm also impressed that your avatar changed so quickly.
The one criticism I did hear was that at certain points, a subtitler may have been necessary to decipher Casey's slurring, vowel-heavy South Boston accent.
In fact, one take, where his scripted line was, "Angie, you remember Steve Tsafonias?" actually came out sounding, and I am not exagerrating, like "Anjyoorememssteesafoon?"
I actually do a pretty good impression of that line, too. But again, surround any actor, in fact surround a potted plant, with Morgan Freeman and Ed Harris, and the potted plant is going to come off looking great.
Thanks handsomestan! I also enjoyed the behind the scenes of Meet Joe Black, interesting stuff. I did not care for the film. I remember when they were shooting it. A friend of my mother's said she met Brad Pitt at the supermarket one late night, and one of my friends aid she met Anthony Hopkins when she was cleaning his hotel room.
I also agree in Claire Forlani's hotness at the time.
I would add to this movie's list of crimes that it was the first movie to feature the trailer for The Phantom Menace.
I was working near the Zigfield theater in NYC back then, and I actually spent the cash on a Meet Joe Black ticket just so I could pop in during lunch and watch the trailer. For this particular trailer's premiere they were also running it after the end credits (a fact known to the geeky), so I left work again about when HandsomeStan's name was scrolling on the screen.
The security guard had no idea what I was talking about when I showed him my ticket so I could re-enter and see the trailer. He kept saying "the movie's over," and I kept saying "I know, but..." Then when he wasn't looking I tore up the stairs and watched the trailer again. Hey, if I'm going to spend full ticket price for a preview, I'm gonna see it twice.
It was, of course, Jarjarlicious. But we still had hope then.
I did the same thing as octopunk at the same theater. In fact if I remember correctly I did it WITH Octopunk.
And, there's nothing wrong with the The Phantom Menace trailer! It's only got one Jar Jar shot. The rest of it is well done. The "fade in and then quickly fade out" teaser shots at the beginning include Padme's silver spaceship on the Tunisian desert and one of those ostrich/elephant Naboo creatures emerging from the mist. Plus you get some Darth Maul "I've got a double lightsaber and you guys don't" footage.
It's hard to do, but I try to keep viewing the good trailers as being good even when the movie turns out to be awful. You just have to close the box containing Schroedinger's Cat and pretend that you still don't know anything and return to the mythical imaginary "good" movie you were picturing. A great example is the awesome Godzilla trailer, which I was just talking to somebody about last week. That was one of the best trailers ever. I still get goosebumps thinking about it. That movie (the extrapolated good version of Godzilla that is suggested by that trailer) is one of my favorite imaginary movies (right up there with the parallel-universe version of Heat where Pacino plays the thief and De Niro plays the cop.
If I ended up in a parallel universe, one of the first things I would do is hit a video store! Casablanca starring Reagan...The Godfather Part III with Winona Ryder not having quit the production to be replaced by Sofia Coppola...etc. etc.
I'd be in front of you in line buying the good version of The Phantom Menace.
I didn't know this movie had an "Alan Smithee" credit on it! I love the whole "Alan Smithee" thing. The stupid cut of David Lynch's Dune (the one with the montage of cheesy paintings at the beginning) is also directed by Smithee.
I think the good Phantom Menace comes from a much more remote parallel universe than, for example, Godfather III with WInona Ryder. Too many factors have to be different. It's not like that movie "barely misses" being good. It's too fundamentally flawed. The people who got to see the "good" Phantom Menace probably have Gore as their president right now.
The universe with the good Phantom Menace is so far removed it probably doesn't have the same laws of physics.
Here's that amazing Godzilla trailer on YouTube. It's so great to see it again! Fantastic stuff. It's too bad the etc. (I don't even feel like finishing the sentence)
Hysterically funny and unexpected review! Damn, post-thon, you really need to do a write up for every movie you've ever worked on. I would love to see your analysis of Any Given Sunday (though I've never seen the movie, don't plan to and you can't make me). (I also feel comfortable in the intimate safety net of parentheses).
And Jordan, you're absolutely right. That Godzilla preview is the key to the kingdom! If and when you gain access to said parallel universe, I want in!
I don't know what the half-life of comments are, or how long people still check, but the only thing I will add to all of that preceding brilliance is -
The trailer for the Mortal Kombat movie . All it did was play the killer mid-90s techno theme song and showed every character as the deep video game voice announcer guy announced them. Cut to Goro's calf muscles, then the flaming horse-head logo. Coming Soon!
Totally gave me chills. But what a TOTAL piece of shit film. Anopther great story ripped off (from Enter The Dragon) and executed just absolutely terribly.
And Sweatpants, I'll certainly atempt to do what you've asked for. My favorite part of AGS was Oliver Stone, sitting in a director's chair viewing his monitor, alone and completely surrounded by black tenting, handing beer bottles full of urine (his own) to the Assistant Director outside the tent, because he was just alone in there with an eight ball and a case of beer, directing a giant football movie.
True. Every bit of it. And there's LOTS more where that came from.
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