The Return of Dracula

(1958)

For whatever reason Count Dracula decides to leave the comfort of Eastern Europe in order to find new victims to munch on in small town USA. After murdering a goofy man travelling via train (?) to America Mr. Dracula steals his visa and assumes the man’s identity. The murder itself is hilarious. Rather than put up a fight goofy man collapses in a pile of wussness as Dracula does little more than walk (very) slowly towards him.



Believing Dracula to be their cousin from Europe, the American branch of the family embraces the count at the train station never suspecting his imposter status. Soon after being whisked off to the Mayberry-like town where the family resides the good Count begins his masticating ways. By day he sleeps and at night he secretly works on his new lair at the bottom of an abandoned coal mine. Meanwhile, immigration officials begin lurking about following the discovery of the murdered man on the train. It doesn’t take long before Dracula becomes the prime suspect and is quietly placed under surveillance. Dracula, of course, easily evades their attempts to catch him as he continues his evening neck feasts. I mean, how could mere mortals stop the Lord of the Dead? Who do they think they are, Van Helsing? Like every monster film from this era the townsfolk eventually figure things out and form an angry mob.

This was a fun film from the Hammer era that frequently made me giggle. It was impossible, for example, to keep a straight face whenever Dracula was on screen given his Dean Martin hairdo




Why would Dracula choose a small rural town where everyone knows one another to set up shop? It wouldn’t be too difficult for the townsfolk to figure out that the murderer among them is the new, weird guy who is rarely seen during daylight hours. Why not go to NYC where he would have endless hors d'oeuvres of homeless people and prostitutes? No one cares about them, right? Also, Dracula only gives lip service to the whole vampires-can’t-be-in-daylight rule. Several times he is seen walking at high noon like he’s on his way to jury duty. I know, I know, I’m not supposed to ask these questions, but just one more; why no freakin’ fangs? Seriously, not once do we see Dracula’s teeth nor do we witness any murders. Instead we are repeatedly treated to seeing him give potential victims the old crazy eyes (see first picture). Rant over. This was a silly, yet highly enjoyable take on the Dracula mythos.

Silent Hill

(2006)***1/2

Reading Octopunk's review, I guessed that this thing with the nurses was going to be my favorite part of this movie. I was totally right -- turns out the women in these nurse costumes are all professional dancers. You can tell because of how they manage to make monstrous lurching look graceful, and also how even with their faces all mutilated and gross, you still want to reach out and do some pawing.

This isn't the only time Rose (Radha Mitchell) finds herself chased by a lurching mob -- in fact, it happens every time a threat appears. Radha just hauls ass. She never stops to fight back. I'm not saying I'd have behaved any differently -- in fact, I think if I saw an army of these guys coming my way...


I'd just freeze and wet my pants. I bring it up only because I've never played the video game Silent Hill, so this movie makes me wonder if the game itself is all about Rose running like hell.

Another curious thing about that scene of the lurching nurses -- it's the only mob storm in the movie which does not feature CGI. I don't think it's a coincidence that it's also the best of these mob scenes.

This is tepid criticism though -- CGI exists to bring impossible scenes to life, and I found the digital hitching of the computer characters in Silent Hill only momentarily distracting. My attention instead was drawn to the beautifully realized setting. Octo called it a "twilight world" that Rose and others are trapped in. As a matter of plot-fact, it occupies a space in the real world, but somehow out of phase with actual reality -- sort of like a world that has already been partially chewed by the Langoliers and then forgotten.


What sticks out about this setting is that it isn't a two-bit mining village. It's a full on town -- banks, jewelry stores, pharmacies, clothing stores. The cars are old, but there are a lot of them and they're not junkers. There was life here in some other time, or in a different "here" -- so the town is as much a ghost as any of the inhumans slinking around it.


It's hard to give the movie credit for a setting constructed by the video game makers though. And it's hard to forgive the movie for breaking its own flow so badly in the middle of Act III. At what should be a climactic moment, the movie goes on pause, so to speak, and begins to write Cliffs Notes to itself. It never gets back on track after it unpauses, and the story rolls to a stop with a ton of unanswered questions that I didn't much feel like asking.

Lastly though, this lady gets her skin ripped off in one piece, and that totally rules.

Yog, Monster from Space

(1970) ***1/2

Nowadays, this movie is called Space Amoeba, and there is no mention of Yog. Indeed, there never was a Yog, that was just the title cooked up by some anonymous genius for export to America. Nobody in the movie says "Yog" even once. But when I was a kid, and this would cycle through Creature Double Feature (on Channel 56), I liked to think of this squid monster as Yog. And despite my fondness for all things Yog, I must admit neither title can hold a candle to the original Japanese title, which translates as Gezora, Ganimes, Kamoebas: Decisive Battle! Giant Monsters of the South Seas. Ka-bamm!

Octopunk loves little models
The action begins when the unmanned Helios 7 space probe is hijacked by an evil alien entity that looks like the magic secret ingredient in your dishwashing liquid. It heads back to Earth and secretly splashes down near a small South Pacific Island.


Meanwhile in Tokyo, the guy on the left is having a hard time and the other three go to the island to help him out. The guy in the orange shirt is the hero photographer, the guy on the right is the scientist who figures everything out, and the woman goes so she can scream and be afraid of stuff.

As I explore the world of kaiju flicks, I keep coming across groups of human characters who can totally sink a movie, which I think is grossly unfair to the poor monsters. But then, seemingly at random, I come across a group like these clowns: characters that manage to give their boilerplate parts just the right amount of poetry -- enough to make the movie work, and sometimes make it bounce.

It's no one actor delivering the charm, it's the general attitude of this funny little offshoot world from Toho Company Ltd. This isn't the world of Godzilla, Mothra and the gang; there haven't been any public monster incidents or even sightings. And yet, it's like everyone expects it's going to happen.

Sure, it's no surprise to know the local native population fears the wrath of sea monsters. It's stranger when the scientist, his brow knitted in deep concern, discusses the very real chance that maybe they will see a monster on this trip, even though nobody else anywhere ever has ever. As if he taught the students in his Theoretical Monster Studies seminar that their finest day as scientists might be, if they're lucky, the day they're running for their lives through some godforsaken jungle with a pissed-off, bulletproof giant crab gaining ground behind them.

Meanwhile, the sparkly bright space ooze covers various local critters (and a guy) with bright twinkly light and turn them into big monsters (except for the guy). The critters become the three titular monsters, Mssrs. Gezora, Ganimes, and Kamoebas, pictured below.

The natives haven't ever actually seen their alleged local monsters, so it's oddly convenient that they already have names for them. As I'm beginning to learn (and like) that's just life in a Toho movie.

Since the movie takes place on the island, my man Yog doesn't get to smash any buildings and has to settle for a bunch of grass huts. That's in keeping with the vibe here; the monsters in this flick are about half as tall as your basic Godzilla type, and they have a more personal touch. They can reach out and grab you instead of anonymously stomping on you or torching your 'hood with atomic breath.

"I've got you now! Hey... this is just a little doll."
And while Godzilla-types take on tanks and jet fighters unscathed, Yog monsters are subject to things like burning and blowing up. But the aliens just ooze off of the corpse and go make a new monster, and before you know it everybody's running around the jungle again.

This series of events evokes a wonderful response from the scientist. First he's all humble and "My science is nothing in the face of these monsters," but soon he rallies. "I have a theory," he announces. "Space Creatures." The gravity with which the term "Space Creatures" is handled is the cutest thing. It keeps popping up: "I doubt we really hurt them. These are Space Creatures." "Nothing could survive that! Not even Space Creatures." And so on.

This movie has a goofy charm that tickled my monster-lovin' heart. People in monster costumes will never not be a silly thing; it was especially funny spotting the actor's legs among the multitude of the crab's legs and the squid's tentacles. But somehow that just made me like them all the more. I wanted the costumes, models and slo-mo to fool me like they did when I was young. Because back then, like those characters, I was always waiting for the day I would see a giant monster too.

The Midnight Meat Train

(2008)

Based on a Clive Barker short story and directed by Ryuhei Kitamura, The Midnight Meat Train serves horror fans a delicious splatter sandwich with a side order of spicy mystery fries. Unfortunately for dessert the only items on the menu this evening are disappointment pie and crap a la mode.

Vinnie “I’m the Juggernaut bitch” Jones is well cast as a serial killer dubbed the Subway Butcher. Armed with a hook and a meat pulverizer, his victims on the late train rarely see him coming until their skulls are bashed into oblivion or their innards spilt. Prepare yourself for over the top (occasionally noticeably CGI) gore. When people are punched they spew Rocky IV like blood. One poor soul slips on her boyfriend’s eyeball before getting (literally) whacked. No shortage of grossness here.

One peculiarity of The Midnight Meat Train is that the only person hell bent on capturing the butcher is not a detective, not the train conductor or even a grieving family member of a victim. Instead we’re given a struggling artist who’s deal is that he’s obsessed with the idea of capturing the heart of the city through photography. This is by no means a detriment to the film though because Leon’s okay and he has a stunning girlfriend. He learns the hard way that stalking a serial killer is foolishly dangerous.

I was really enjoying this movie in spite of its weaknesses (which also include an absurd number of coincidences as well as the irritating laziness of the cops). I was very much in the mood for a simple, nasty serial killer flick. The unrealistic violence was almost a relief after those unspeakably gory French movies I’ve been on about this month. But suddenly within the last 15 minutes the wheels come off in the form of a magnificently stupid plot development that was never even hinted at in the first hour and a half. “They can’t just throw in some insane bullshit that changes everything like that!”, I shouted to my cat. Rowan just kind of looked up at me, slightly puzzled, but I like to think that she agreed. Anyway three gretchens is generous but that's just the kind of guy I am.

Oh, and Brooke Shields lends her uselessness to the film.

The Frighteners

(1996) ***1/2

Frank Bannister has the uncanny ability to see dead people. Rather than helping them a la 6th sense, ghost whisperer, or being afraid of them, he decides to make money off of them. He sets himself up as a psychic investigator, enlists the ghosts to haunt certain homes, and then shows up to rid the house of said spirits, and charging a fee. The ghosts he works with are simple, comic relief stereotypes - specifically a 70s black man, a college boy and an old west Cowboy (great job from John Astin here). However, things take a turn for the worse as one ghost, dressed as death, begins killing the town's residents and carving numbers in their foreheads. This is an entertaining piece of work, and it refreshingly doesn't fall into the mold of any other horror/comedy films. Actually, this film is much darker than one would expect from a Michael J. Fox movie. The movie begins with some comic relief, but as the plot involving the "reaper" develops, comedy turns to tragedy. I think this film would have actually worked better if it had fully immersed itself as a horror film, but I'm sure that the comedy helped round up a larger audience.

Another notable thing about this film, it was directed by Peter Jackson. Now, I'm in the camp of people who thought the Lord of the Rings trilogy would have made a great 2 hour, 20 minute film, but at 9 hours plus, was an exercise in futility. However, I respect that Peter Jackson made a visually stunning and attractive film (with just a tedious story). Jackson's skill can be seen in this earlier work as he deftly frames a number of small town haunted houses, funerals, cemetaries, and even an abandoned hospital.

A scary movie from Peter Jackson - definitely a hit, even if the comedy is somewhat sub-par.

Chinese Fire Drill - Serious This Time!

MrsX will honestly and truly be appearing on The Middle this Wednesday night at 8:30PM an ABC. We had a good dress rehearsal a couple weeks ago, when dozens of casting agents, managers, family and friends (and uber-brilliant blogs) were notified of her impending appearance, only to realize halfway through the episode that it was NOT in fact the one we thought, and that hers had been moved to October 28th.

Imagine the hilarity that ensued. Anyway, DVR the crap out of it, and check out the more amusing notice ...here



I'll probably re-post this Wednesday afternoon as a reminder, after this post has gone down the proverbial Death Star garbage chute and been buried.

Love you all for your support!

(more brilliant reviews coming, I swear...)

Dial "M" for Murder

(1954) *****

Margot, a wealthy English wife, is having an affair with an American crime novel author. Her husband, Tony Wendice, learns of this affair and goes to great lengths to have his wife murdered. Things of course, go wrong, and much of the film is spent showing everyone else trying to figure out exactly what happened on the night of the attempted murder.

This film is brilliant. It is an adapted stage play, and more than 95% of the film takes place inside of one room. It is astonishing then, that this could essentially be a filmed version of a play, and still, it is gripping. The performances are charming - a word I've never used to describe acting before. The pure courtesy and gentility of each character makes Jane Austen's characters look like drunken Oakland Raiders fans after a win. Even the villain, once exposed in the final scene congratulates the detective and offers the victim a drink before being arrested and taken away.

I didn't even know that was Grace Kelly.

The denouement of this story isn't revealed until the final minutes. We figure out that the inspectors will catch the criminal, and although we know exactly what happened, we are on the edge of our seats trying to find out what it was that we missed. Hints are given, and maybe a smarter person could have figured it out earlier, but, I was hooked.

I picked this film because it was spoofed on the Simpsons Halloween show this year and I'd never seen it. Funny, I was just talking to my friend Tami and her boyfriend the other day about how there were so many things that we didn't know existed until we saw them on the Simpsons. Other than Vertigo and Psycho, I've never seen much Hitchcock, but this will definitely motivate me to seek out some more.

The Fall of the House of Usher

(1928)*1/2

I thought I was done reviewing the film versions of The Fall of the House of Usher. Then I looked it up further, and saw there were about 8 versions filmed, most unavailable. However, there was a link to this 13-minute, silent film version.

There were no words shown at all during this short film. It actually looks more like a bad student film than anything professional. And, for all I know about its production, this was a student film. It appears that it was made mostly to showcase some new special effects. Most of this focuses on the actual house of Usher, which would put M.C. Escher to shame. So, it's neat, if you're studying 1920s cinema. Otherwise, not worth the 13 minutes.

Drag Me to Hell

(2009)****

Loan Officer Christine Brown is living an idyllic Southern California, post-college, lifestyle. She has a good job at a bank, her promotion is looking likely, and she's datin a young college professor. Then, in order to cement that promotion, she denies a loan extension to a crusty, old, denture-wearing, candy-stealing gypsy. The result: Christine is cursed. She discovers this quickly enough through a chance encounter with a psychic. The rest of the film is spent with Christine simulataneously being tortured by an evil spirit and trying to find a way out of her curse.

I tried to avoid comparing this film to the Evil Dead series, but seeing as how this is his first true horror film since then (A Simple Plan and The Gift are in a different vein), I couldn't help but put these films side by side. That said, Drag Me to hell is basically a more polished version of the earlier Evil Dead films. The effects are better, certainly. They can still be categorized as terrifying, yet oddly funny. Alison Lohman isn't quite as charismatic as Bruce Campbell, but she certainly has her moments. The script too, while a basic horror film has a little more plot and character development from the Evil Dead series.

This film wasn't terribly successful at the box office. One could wonder why the Evil Dead cult fans didn't turn out in droves for this. Well, Evil Dead, I think developed such a cult following based slightly on the camp factor, which is almost entirely gone from this film.

Still, for anyone out there who found Evil Dead a bit too over-the-top, I think this film is a nice compromise for more traditional horror film fans.

Carriers

(2009)

Two brothers and their women are driving across (Texas?) in a stolen car. When they stop to avoid hitting an SUV sitting in the middle of the road they are accosted by a man begging for gasoline. As the man pleads with them for help they catch a glimpse of a little girl peering out of the back window wearing an allergen mask. This is our first indication that something is wrong with the world. We soon learn that an airborne virus has wiped out most of humanity and that the two couples are trying to get to a beach house that the brothers used to visit as children; a place associated with happy memories and safety. Reluctantly the group agrees to take the man and his infected daughter along, as long as they remain in the back seat separated by a rinky-dink, Gerry rigged plastic wall. We know this road trip is not going to end well.



Carriers is derivative of many post-apocalyptic world movies (e.g., a group of survivalists must make their way across the country while battling gun-totin’ extremists, hungry animals, the military, and virus-infected, psychotic individuals). Derivative doesn’t necessarily mean bad and Carriers does a pretty good job putting its own unique stamp on the genre while treading over well worn ideas. Also, like Neil Page and Del Griffith in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles the characters learn something about themselves along the way. In the morally ambiguous story loyalty is questioned when one of their own becomes infected; would you leave a loved one behind just because they had a touch of a humanity extinguishing virus?



Carriers is a pretty good but two things really bugged me,

The film opens and closes with grainy Super-8mm home movies of the lead characters when they were children. Video cameras have been around since the early 80s, which would easily cover the ages of the kids in the scratchy film.

Most of humanity has been wiped out by a plague that is airborne yet the only protection the characters use are allergen masks like the kind I use when I paint my ceiling.

Grizzly Park

(2008)

Eight juvenile delinquents are assigned community service in a California forest as punishment for various misdemeanors. The community service involves cleaning up the garbage left behind by patrons before the park closes for the season. Heading up this ragtag outfit is Ranger Bob, a button down, no-nonsense fellow who doesn’t appear thrilled with this babysitting assignment. His mood doesn’t improve when the miscreants arrive clad in clothing more appropriate for clubbing than arduous work. The sarcastic “teens” roll their eyes as Ranger Bob reviews the rules of the forest (e.g., “Don’t feed the animals”, “Don’t sleep with food on your person”, etc). Of course these rules are summarily ignored by the too-cool-for-school thugs and they pay for their ignorance dearly after attracting the attention of a fierce grizzly. Being killed by a bear sucks. Meanwhile, an escaped convict heads to the same forest as well in a completely unnecessary b-story that goes nowhere


"S'up, baby?"

My first animal run amok film of the season and boy is it a stinker. The first bear doesn’t show up until the 40 minute mark (I checked). You might be wondering what goes on during the first 40 bear-less minutes. Nothing, nothing goes on during the bear-less minutes. The unappealing teens simply become even more unappealing as they bicker, flirt, and play stupid jokes on one another. I couldn’t wait for them to all die. It took 40 minutes before my wish started to come true. The bear maulings are unspectacular. There is a nice little twist at the end, but it’s not enough to save this bear slasher.

Surprisingly Grizzly Park is a beautiful looking film. Long aerial shots of a California State forest during autumn establish a rich, vibrant setting. I was also pleased that the bear was real rather than a CGI concoction. Grizzly bears are scary.