JPX's Best of Horrorthon 2011

Wow, what a great, fun season! I am very pleased with the selections I made this year and I enjoyed nearly all of them. Here we go...



Favorite Movie: Lake Mungo

Weeks later I am still thinking about this unsettling film. Lake Mungo is a slow burning examination of fear and loneliness. I’ve never seen a movie that seamlessly combines chills and pathos so effectively. I hope everyone watches this haunting story next year. Close runner-ups include Troll Hunter and The Tunnel.



Hidden Gem: Rare Exports: A Christmas Story

This charming Finnish film plays almost like a live version of Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas without the insufferable musical numbers. Part freaky but mostly charming this film will become an annual favorite to bridge the gap between Halloween and Christmas. It has a terrific, unique style and it’s one of the few films I have seen where I didn’t want to toss the child actors into a meat grinder.



Worst: Hellraiser: Revelations

The Hellraiser films have always been the b-movies of the horror landscape. While the first two have some game most feel more like segments from an anthology series that never made it onto the air. I generally enjoy this series but this attempted reboot was a failure in every respect. Doug Bradley was wise to sit this one out. Close tie with Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark.



So Bad It's Good: Deadly Messages

This 1980s made-for-television has it all; damsel in distress, easy-to-solve-mystery, and a laughable killer (see above).



Most Disturbing: Megan is Missing

While not a “scary” movie Megan is Missing is a very unsettling look at tweens and the trouble they are capable of getting into due to bad teenage judgment. Not only was I bothered by the “danger” I was also troubled by the film’s depiction of disturbing teenage behavior.



Goriest: SAW 3D

Human Centipede 2 would be my pick but I never wrote up the review. With SAW 3D you get the usual sequence of gory, literally side-splitting traps.



Scariest: The Tunnel

While Lake Mungo is my pick for favorite due to its unsettling nature, I would have to say the claustrophobic setting of The Tunnel creates a suffocating environment where escape is nearly impossible. What makes it especially creepy/effective is that it does not take place in a remote setting but rather underneath the streets of a bustling city.



Memorable Death: Troll Hunter

Turning a raging troll into a rock with a beam of light is one of the more original deaths I’ve seen in a long time. Sledge hammering the troll rock to pieces is just the icing on the cake.



Best Lookin' Monster: Troll Hunter

The trolls of Troll Hunter ranged from completely silly to downright scary. I loved the look of these guys.



Avoidable Death: Dream Cruise

Rather than accepting a strange invitation from your lover’s husband to take an unscheduled boat trip, you would be wise to make up an excuse.



Funniest: The Ghost Train

It begins and ends with Tommy Gander. I will let the picture speak for itself.

Bonus Horrorthon Challenge!

Pop quiz, hot shots:

How many of the 72 horror icons can you identify? 

The Rules: Click on the images to embiggen them. Make a 1-72 list. Name the movie each killer represents and then paste your answers in the comments section before reading anyone else's responses. Horrorthon mascot Gretchen is #35. 

- You don't have to name a movie for Alfred Hitchcock, Vincent Price or Peter Cushing as long as you tag them. 

- Everyone else is a proper horror movie killer. 

- You don't have to specify a a sequel in a series such as Friday the 13th (but it would be pretty cool if you did). 

The Prize: There is no prize.

Good luck.  

Don't cheat.  

Bram Stoker's Dracula

(1992) **

I'm happy to say that I succeeded in at least one of my horrorthon goals this year. Goal 1: Don't see anything I've seen before. Goal one: Met with success! Goal 2: Vampire and Werewolf movies only: Possibly met with success. I'm unsure if Attack on the Block counts as werewolf.... I'd like it to count, but if it doesn't then I get a future year of thonning to do the Vampire and Werewolf only challenge. As for Bram Stoker's Dracula, I'm not sure if I would have liked or starred it differently had I seen it when it was new. I found the editing and cinematography stylings more annoying than enjoyable, and Keanu was definitely Keanu. Keanu made Winona Ryder look good in this movie--and really, this was not her best work. Keanu has bugged me in almost everything he's been in since Parenthood. On the other hand, Anthony Hopkins puts in real effort and Gary Oldman just killed it all the way through.

Oldman is a fantastic actor and pretty much saved me from turning off the flick. Overall, I'm glad I saw this since I never had, and I'd heard so many people talk about it, but I think I need to choose better flicks next year...maybe you guys have some recommendations for good intro / horror 101 flicks?

Van Helsing

(2004) *1/2

The first 5-10 minutes of this flick were awesome. I loved it. Black and white, successful capture of the classics. The start of Van Helsing got my expectations up. Way way up. And then it all came tumbling down.., and was awful and boring and just too much of a let down for me to be able to appreciate any of the cliches, or well, to appreciate anything. If only the beginning hadn't been so good! The opening had me geared up for the perfect action horror flick, and then it didn't deliver. The film opens in 1887 with Dr. Frankenstein and Igor bringing their monster to life for the evil Count Dracula.

Dracula in black and white and full of awesomeness

Dracula reveals he wants the monster to bring life to his multitude of undead children, kills Frankenstein, and the monster attempts to escape to a windmill which is quickly burned down by a ravenous mob. The opening closes after the mob flees in fear of Dracula and his 3 flying vampire brides. The movie shifts to color with the introduction of an amnesic Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) in hot pursuit of Jekyll/Hyde and subsequently being prepared by the Knights of the Holy Order to pursue Dracula. Van Helsing is told he his to protect the remaining Valerious siblings, Anna (Kate Beckinsale) and Velkan (Will Kemp) who are the last of a family that swore to kill Dracula whose many generations so far have failed and are stuck in purgatory.

Werewolf in color and lame FX--not full of awesomeness

Lots of action and action movie cliches ensue with just enough werewolf and vampire involvement for me to think this met my requirements for this years horrothon, although, I think I'd say this was definitely an action movie, not a horror flick, despite it's label as a horror film. (see my Dracula review for this years personal horrorthon requirements/goals).

Attack the Block

(2011) *1/2

I was stuck on a plane and this one the only flick that listed itself as horror, so watch it I did. I'd never heard of it, but upon my return to the states it started popping up in all sorts of places, and gets great reviews (a 90 on rotten tomatoes). I'm so confused. I didn't think it was good at all. It was not scary, it was not thrilling, it was not even all that funny. Come to think of it, it was a perfect plane movie where you don't care if its interrupted by the pilot telling you it's unclear how long you're going to be stuck circling in the air awaiting information on which airport is clear for a landing. A London gang (or what seemed like gangster kid wannabes) during a regular evening of mayhem, violence, and crime are distracted while mugging Sam (Jodie Whittaker) as a beast from outer space fireballs down to land like a meterorite nearby. Sam escapes and attempts to get police assistance while Moses (John Boyega), lead's his gang in killing this outer space beast. The thugs carry it back to the safest place they can think of: a drug dealer's grow room in their apartment building. As the night progresses, the block gets attacked (isn't the movie cleverly named) by and more more meteorites and our thug kids are pursued with growing intensity by ferocious alien werewolf creatures whose fur is blacker than black dogs and whose rows of teeth are a glowing blue. The glowing toothed beasts were by far my favorite part of this movie. Check them out:

Blade Trinity

(2004) **1/2

Blade Trinity changes things up a bit. In this episode, although most people remain unaware of vampires, they are now aware of and fearful of Blade, who gets portrayed by the media as a serial killer. Police and FBI pursuit of Blade (possibly assisted/manipulated by vampires) results in Blade's capture during a raid on Whistler and Blade's compound. Luckily Blade is rescued by Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds) and Abigail Whistler (Jessica Biel) -- welcome white eye candy of both sexes. Turns out this rescue team is part of a group of vampire hunters referred to as the Nightstalkers who just happen to be working on Daystar, a bioweapon to kill all vampires.

"Drake" who may or may not be Dracula

The Nightstalkers are up against vampires Danica Talos (Parker Posey) and the resurrected first vampire "Drake" (Dominic Purcell). The vampires in this episode not only have better infrastructure (an industrial complex full of comatose humans for a continual blood supply) but also a play to improve the vampire race by turning all Vampires into Daywalkers. The 3rd installation ramped up the action, the eye candy, and the snarky dialogue (mostly delivered by Ryan Reynolds). The special effects definitely hold up better, but that might just be because it was made more recently. The tagline really should have been "Wesley Snipes as Wesley Snipes. Ryan Reynolds as Ryan Reynolds and Parker Posie as Parker Posie.

"

Abduscias 2011 Wrap-up!

Well, it was definitely a blast! I feel that I have slacked a bit with fun activities with Catfreeek in October, but I also had to watch other things to take a breath from horror(Murder She Wrote/Millenium/Miami Vice series). Next year, I will try harder, maybe pick a theme....though I will still go to Salem for Halloween! Hmmm...maybe serial killers or more werewolf movies. I just can't do the vampire thing anymore. I own the majority of the movies I reviewed, though there were quite a few that I skipped(Nightmare on Elm St series, my zombie movies, Dead Girl, Martyrs, other ghosty movies). The others were watched with Catfreeek :) or through Netflix. I took Cat's advice and made a list of my own! It was a PITA using WordPad, next year I will make an Excel spreadsheet...here we go!My favorite movie of the year! I've watched it 4 times :) Great killing scenes/very artistic.
Dumbest/Goofiest movie...not really a horror movie.
Most Disturbing/Disgusting movie. I agree with Catfreeek!(Taxidermia second place)

I'm sorry to say I don't have one for the most scariest movie, perhaps watching Fulci's Zombie at a drive-in when I was 6 or seeing Exorcist, Jaws, Psycho and many other movies at the ages of 6-12 have jaded my fears. That's why its not easy to tell many horror movies from comedies. In my opinion, few of the movies that I reviewed were comedy or mystery. Does a bump on the head qualify it to be horror because Netflix categorized it as so? Hmmph! I wish to hell that we watched Human Centipede 2 in time for this-didn't get the movie until afterwards. :(
I dooooo look forward to next year!

Johnny Sweatpants 2011 Horrorthon Wrap Up: Send in the Clowns!

Before I get to the good stuff, please admire my first attempt at pumpkin carving. It ain’t no Octopumpkin but I was pleased with the result and I also developed a taste for baked pumpkin seeds with soy sauce. Yum!

Aside from mentioning that I Saw the Devil was my favorite horror movie this year I’m going to stick to only clown-themed movies since that was my 2011 focal point. I expected to see some genuine attempts to tap into coulrophobia the way that Clownhouse did so seemingly effortlessly. Alas, many of the psychos turned out to be nothing more than textbook slashers who happened to wear face paint and baggy pants.

Nevertheless, let’s take a look at the nominees!

1) Cheezo the Clown (Clownhouse)
2) Horny the Clown (Drive-Thru)
3) unidentified band member from "The Clowns" (Terror on Tour)
4) Buster the Clown (We All Scream For Ice Cream)
5) The Marvelous Mervo (Blood Feast)
6) Shivers the Clown (Fear of Clowns)
7) dystopian future clown (Let's Visit the World of the Future)
8) giant monster clown (Killer Klowns From Outer Space)
9) Flappy the Clown (Vulgar)
10) Punchy the Clown (Final Draft)
11) Gurdy the Clown (100 Tears)
12) Mr. Jiggles (Mr. Jiggles)
13) clown that 50P said looks like Carrot Top (House of Fears)
14) Dissecto the Clown (Torment)
15) Pennywise the Dancing Clown (It)
16) useless clown (The Clown Murders)

And now for the (slightly modified) categories:

Scariest Clown: Cheezo the Clown (Clownhouse)

Best Looking Clown: Punchy the Clown (Final Draft) I didn’t expect to rank the “hobo clown” the classiest of the bunch but how could I deny that handsome bastard?

Most Badass Clown: Gurdy the Clown (100 Tears). Hand Gurdy his trusty meat cleaver and he’ll chop all of the other clowns to pieces faster than you can throw a pie.

Lamest Evil Clown: The clown from The Clown Murders belongs on a cereal box and Mr. Jiggles was appallingly lame but I have to award this one to Tiny Tim’s Marvelous Mervo in Blood Harvest simply because he had zero kills.

Hidden Gem: Let's Visit the World of the Future

Most Memorable Clown Kill: Pennywise luring sweet little George into the storm drain in Stephen King’s It.

Worst Clown Movie (Ever): Mr. Jingles - I simply don’t know how or why this movie was made. Nobody involved seemed to give two clown shits about it so why bother filming in the first place?

Overall Best Evil Clown Movie Out There: The only films I’d actually recommend are Stephen King’s It, Clownhouse, Let’s Visit the World of the Future and 100 Tears. Out of these I crown 100 Tears the king of killer clown movies. I loved it so much that I watched it 5 times, once with commentary!

Conclusion: I sifted through a lot of crap but I’d like to think that the whole experiment taught me a thing or two about life. For one thing I learned that while evil clowns such as the Joker made their mark in the past, the killer clown movie genre did not really exist until 2006-2008 when it suddenly and inexplicably became a “thing”. I also learned that… actually I didn't learn anything at all and probably forgot some important things along the way. Still I regret nothing!

As we’re nearing December I find myself going through evil clown withdrawal, so much so that I rented Shakes the Clown last week. It’s not a horror movie but it is a hoot, mainly because of its amusing take on clown culture. Did you know that the mime is the natural enemy of the clown?

Blade II

(2002) *1/2

I feel like I could review this by just writing "See review for blade 1, more of the same." Blade II takes place a few years after the conclusion of the first movie. Blade and his new friend/assistant, Scud (Norman Reedus) continue the work of protecting humans and hunting vampires while also searching for his missing mentor Whistler (don't worry, Kris Kristofferson reappears at some point in the movie). This movie introduces new vampire villains and a new vampire breed referred to as Reapers. Reapers are stronger than regular vampires, have a more insatiable thirst, and their victims turn into Repears (nice touch of vampire-zombie lore remix).

Insane dislocating multi-jaw and sucker mouth of Reapers

The plot thickens (slightly) when the vampire elders ask Blade for a truce, resulting in Blade teaming with the group of vampires (including Ron Perlman) originally intended to hunt and kill Blade. The movie includes standard off the shelf plot points in attempting to create intrigue, however I found most of the vampire politics, hidden agendas, duplicitous allies/enemies plot devices transparent and predictable.

some CGI improved, some didn't

Again I probably would have liked it more had I seen it when it first came out. Blade II, much like the first, does not stand the test of time. It has a few nice action sequences and the effects definitely improved relative to the first movie, but I was still pretty bored when watching it.

Blade

(1998) *1/2

Apologies for the delayed continuance of my participation in writing up my reviews. My peace offering consists of the fact that I followed Octo's suggestion that someone take one for the team and watch the Blade movies this October. Blade is much more of an action flick than a horror flick. I remember wanting to see Blade when it came out (I'll admit to a Wesley Snipes crush--which somehow still holds nostagilcally when I rewatch Demolition man).

Bloody vampire during the in the bloodrave

In the movie, Blade is born as his mother is dying in a hospital after a vampire attack vampire and retains features of both beings (thirst of a vampire, sun, silver, and garlic friendliness of a human). Befriended by Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) Blade becomes a hybrid day-walking vampire hunter both to avenge his mother's death and to protect all non vampire familiar humans. Whistler creates a treatment to keep Blade's bloodlust at bay as well as lovely custom weapons that were a visual highlight in the movie (the blood bath rave was also visually stimulating). All told, I was disappointed that the CGI and special effects didn't really hold up. The now "old school" fight scene and action sequence coreography was nice to see again, despite how the movie dragged in the middle.

CGI has come a long way since 1998

Crystal Math's 2011 Horrorthon Wrap-Up

(2011) *****

KISS my math!

I waltzed into Horrorthon with the idea of reviewing Mel Gibson's Apocalypto to discuss indigenous rights, global imperialism and cultural homogenization as an aspect of horror.

even the film is an example of cultural imperialism

BUT!

After much contemplation and a thorough interpretation/analysis of the rules of H-Thon, I decided against it. In determining what makes the horror movie genre work so well, I concluded that there's a difference between the Scary and the Horrifying. Paranormal forces, zombies, evil children's toys and malicious clowns are Scary – they jump out at us and make us scream, but we know they could never really exist (right?). Conversely, realities that include kidnapping, torture, rape, etc. are Horrifying to me because they are tangible; I know that people experience it outside of a movie set, and some encounter it on a frequent basis. The movies I enjoyed least this year had more to do with the harsh realities they depicted than their message. Why am I telling you this?? Because the most difficult and least enjoyable movie I watched this year happened to be an undisputed favorite among H-Thon bloggers.

Martyrs is the type of movie you tell someone to watch “if you wanna see some fucked-up shit,” knowing full well they'll take your word for it, watch it, then never speak to you again (well maybe that last part isn't quite true). Even though it was mentally and emotionally draining to compose a coherent review and publish it for all to see, I'm glad that I didn't wait until the end to post it because I wouldn't want to end on a sour, joyless note. Blood Harvest embodied the level of escapism that I wanted to experience during the month of October and then Martyrs yanked me back into a world o' hurt that I'd wanted to [temporarily] forget. I have to thank JSP for being the type of person who compulsively composes lists of music, books, etc.; he had a post-Martyrs lineup that helped bring me out of a depressed mood. Watching Re-Animator after that might have been the most awkward segue yet, but it kept me going.

Who's going to argue with a decapitated-but-living head? Answer: NO BODY!

Before I begin the actual “wrap-up” part of my Wrap-Up, I wanted to share some number-crunching I did while hearing about the legendary Catfreeek's horrorthon-thon. I'll admit that I can't imagine watching more than an average of one movie per day in any given month, and this year Abduscias almost hit the 100 mark! Cat came in a close second with 92 – but let's see if they're not actually falling short of their true potential (if I had a mustache I would be stroking it thoughtfully right now):

24 hours per day – 6 hours (sleep) – 2 hours (eat, shit, write reviews) = 16 hrs per day to watch movies.

Assuming the average horror movie is 2 hours, this allows (8 movies/day) x (31 days/Oct) = 248 movies!

Following the 2 reviews per day limit means that, after the month of October, you would still have to publish 176 reviews (248 – 2[31] = 176). Everyone knows 176 = 16 x 11, so to be sure you make the deadline you can either publish 16 reviews per day for 11 days OR 11 reviews per day for the next 16 days.

To conclude this report, I give my best to Catfreeek and Abs – you're off to a good start, kids!

NOW, without further ado, here are my top categories for My First Horrorthon Wrap-Up:

Favorite Movie: Rosemary's Baby

Hidden Gem: 100 Tears

Worst: We All Scream for Ice Cream 

Watching this movie was like pulling teeth; writing the review was like putting them back in, backwards and upside down.

So Bad It's Good: 

(None. If they were just bad, they stayed bad. I wouldn't even credit Blood Harvest with this special title because it was predictable, forgettable and JSP seeks to perfect his Tiny Tim impression every time we're together in public. Maybe next year?)

Most Disturbing: Martyrs  

I'd be crazy not to mention it somewhere. Even though I didn't want to publish it because I knew it'd be contrary to what everyone else has said about it, I'm happy to stand by my view and even happier that everyone was willing to read and accept my different opinion.

Goriest: Human Centipede 2 [Full Sequence]  

Made even more entertaining to watch with JSP and 50P! Thanks for a memorable night guys.

Scariest: Insidious  

I actually had to call JSP away from folding laundry to sit next to me. I think I gave him an Indian Burn from my fear.

Memorable Death: The Wickerman (Wickerpersyn)

Why, Sgt. Howie, of course! I always like seeing religious stiffies get stiffed.

Best Lookin' Monster: The Man with Fire on his Face from Insidious!

Avoidable Death: Torment 

Right before R gets murdered with his own barstool, L could have easily said, “omfg babe look behind you!” But noooooooooooooooo... I think she wanted him to die.

Funniest: Re-Animator

By a long shot, too -- I almost tied this one up with Teeth because I enjoyed it as a work of satire; but Re-Animator just holds up better to a diverse audience as something equally creepy, crazy, and totally laughable.