(1998) **1/2
A most inglorious beginning to my Horrorthon. October 6th and I finish watching my first horror movie. Dreadful. Not so much in the who's-beating-me way as the "personal worst" way. Ah well. I have multiple good reasons, but this is not the place. Suffice to say I'm ill-prepared, and last night, desperate to get started, I surfed the movie channels and found Species II, which was good luck because my loose theme this year is sci-fi horror, and bad luck because it was Species II.
The first Species is made of loafy B-grade material, and the sequel isn't even as good as that. In the first movie a radio signal from space is received, mapping a DNA chain that has a hostile agenda. The powers that be whip up a half human/half Species little girl, and the mayhem ensues. In this movie they change the rules completely, having core samples from Mars infect the first three astronauts who go there. Peter Boyle plays the crazy (but right!) scientist who knows the evil DNA is there from studying "the Mars meteorite" that "they found in the Arctic." Wha? A hunk of Mars wound up on Earth? The moments of slipshoddery like this are too numerous to count.
Basically it's about aliens fucking. Hunky Boy astronaut starts slutting around town, engaging in scenes of softcore porn capped by the women suddenly having fast-growing alien babies burst from their abdomens. He then takes these children to his family vacation home, stashing them in the basement wearing identical grey Flashdance style t-shirts that apparently he had a box of in his car.
Black Guy astronaut winds up immune to the DNA's effects, so after the good guys interrupt his first sex in a year he gets the job as stereotypical black sidekick. "Shiiit, a brother just can't get no booty, yknowwhuI'msayin?" Pretty much everyting that comes of his mouth will make you feel awkward.
But that's nothing compared to the heroine scientist's line after Frizzy-Haired Girl astronaut meets her fate. Her abdomen expands rapidly too, giving birth to a huge placententacle that grabs her husband's face and slams him against the wall. As the good guys burst in too late to save the couple (but in time to ace the alien), our hero holds the dead woman's hand and stage whispers "Just awful... it's just awful."
It's typical of the lousy acting on display here. Those actors who are slumming don't care to hide the fact. Michael Madsen wheezes through all his lines, only half-caring about the potential annihilation of the human race. James Cromwell drifts in and out of his Southern accent. Natasha Henstridge is a blonde block of wood (although maybe she got a little better later on, I'm not sure).
She plays a watered-down version of the alien slut from the first movie, kept in a lab for mean tests by the mean ol' government. Eventually Hunky Boy gets into her lab so they can have this little moment.
The problem with genuine B-grade cinema is it's not bad enough to be good, it's just disappontingly bad. Species II hovers in that grey area between B minus and C-grade material, just a teensy bit closer to B on account of the many boobs on display.
7 comments:
would it have been an improvement if she'd instead said, "and I think that's horrible"
It's funny, because Hollywood is supposed to be all about beauty, and it's almost impossible to find a successful actress (much more than with male actors) who isn't drop-dead beautiful. But every so often you get someone like Natasha Henstridge, who's got exactly the looks that any actress would kill for but doesn't really go anywhere because she just isn't that good. It's kind of reassuring. Looks aren't everything in hollywood.
I mean, after seeing the first Species I sort of took for granted that she was headed for megastardom, because my God, she's pretty. But it just didn't happen.
Other examples abound, of course. Denise Richards can't talk, which is a real impediment (and I refuse to give more digital ink to Megan Fox beyond typing her name, but you see my point). It makes you appreciate Blanchett, Winslet, Knightley, Jolie (and Dunaway, Fonda, Lange, de Havilland, Fontaine, etc.) even more.
I wholly agree, women are hot.
Great kickoff Octopunk! I laughed every other sentence.
"Women are hot"? Come on, I was saying more than that!
I know, I was kidding Jordan!
Fantastic review, too bad the movie wasn't.
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