Silent Night Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker

(1991)**
Someone has been leaving gift-wrapped toys for young Derek. When Derek attempts to open one left on his doorstep, his dickish father sends him to his room and proceeds to open it himself – big mistake. An innocent looking Santa music box springs tentacles and attaches itself to his face much like an alien face-hugger. Derek of course witnesses all this and becomes mute.

In an effort to jar Derek out of his silence his mother takes him to Petto’s Toys where kindly old shopkeeper, Joe Petto, makes toy suggestions (they all stink). Joe Petto is played by Mickey Rooney and you have to ask yourself how a comedic icon, 65+ years in Hollywood, would be reduced to appearing in such crap.

Mickey Rooney tries to be scary

Joe runs his toyshop with his creepy son, Pino, a weird guy who would probably be diagnosed with Schizotypal Personality Disorder. Pino spends his time making freakish toys nobody would ever want (e.g., Larry the Larvae) and sneaking into Derek's house so he can root around in his mother's underwear drawer. Meanwhile deadly gift-wrapped packages keep arriving for Derek. Fortunately for Derek his life is repeatedly spared because someone else always seems to open his gifts first. One snotty kid, for example, opens a pair of rocket-powered rollerblades, which sends him straight into traffic (he deserved it). Who is making these deadly toys? Is it Joe who appears to have a murky past? Pino, who is just plain weird? Or is it someone else? Now I’m going to spoil it, so get ready.

The killer revealed, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Yep, Pino is himself a toy created by Mickey Rooney! Oh my God this is such a dumb movie. I’m not even sure what to say about it, the pictures kind of capture it all.