At first glance Episode II almost appears acceptable. Lucas swallowed his pride and listened to the outraged masses. Bowlhead is gone, Jar Jar gets demoted. Jango Fett kicks ass and Lord Summerisle himself joins the cast as Count Dooku. And Ian McDiarmid does a fantastic job at depicting a child molester. Surely this was what we were waiting for, wasn’t it?
Sadly, the positive aspects of Episode II are once again overshadowed by George’s tragically inept decisions. The most obvious handicap to the film is the Saved by the Bell quality portrayal of Annakin courtesy of Hayden Christiansen. To describe his acting as “wooden” would be an insult to trees. No surprises then, that the Anakin/Padme love scenes become slightly less bearable with each viewing. Portman herself treats us to another monotonous, joyless performance.
But that’s neither here nor there. I could easily overlook these inadequacies if I wasn’t so incensed by George Lucas’s most painful copout to date: the introduction of the clones. Watching a battle between droids and clones is similar to watching a friend play Tetris. You really don’t have much emotional investment. Robot gets shot, I yawn and look at my watch. Clone dies, big deal – he’s a friggin’ clone! I was more heartbroken when that one Ewok in Jedi was offed. I believe his name was Paploo. But most unforgivable is the line that was crossed by the mere suggestion that the Stormtroopers in IV-VI aren’t individual soldiers. This I will not tolerate and I don’t think you should either.
Sincerely,
Johnny Sweatpants
Also, it was Jar Jar's speech that finally crushed my spirit. I took the liberty of transcribing it as best I could. I must've rewound it 9 times.
"Eesa clear eesa seperatist leeda - pact - eesa-deesa federation betray. Several General Vaticus! (?) In response to dis direct trett to da republic: meesa propose dah-duh senate give immedately emergency powas to duh supe-pdeem chancellor!"
- Jar Jar hands the power over to Palpatine.
8 comments:
"I had written a complete diatribe against Episodes II & III that was purposefully engaging and inflammatory. They were titled "Attack of the Clones is a Gross Embarrassment to the Human Race" and "Get Over it: Revenge of the Sith is a Pointless, Overblown Mess". Unfortunately I didn't count on 1) the eloquent responses to this post and 2) while watching those movies in the past week I was mortified to find myself enjoying the hell out of them. Sigh."
Ha! Done in by your own comment! I think you forget that Mark Hamill, and some of the others in the original Star Wars trilogy, was also a bad actor. Because we were viewing his performance through a child's eyes we were essentially unaware of this. "Uncle Ownen, what about that one?" I agree that Hayden was pretty damn "wooden", although he did better in ROTS, but that didn't diminish my enjoyment of the film.
Again with the goddamned Mark Hammill argument. Mark Hammill had a charming innocence about him that suited the role and the times perfectly. Hayden was a poor fit for both and you know it. It has nothing to do with childhood memories.
In addition to that, you're a big jerk.
Nope nope nope, I won't be baited!
"Unfortunately I didn't count on 1) the eloquent responses to this post and 2) while watching those movies in the past week I was mortified to find myself enjoying the hell out of them. Sigh."
Ha! If you should be mad at anyone, it should be yourself!
I don't recall ever saying such things and I would ask you not to twist my words like that.
Just remember, next time you're trying to enjoy the escape from the Death Star in A New Hope, they're only shooting at clones.
Well, I for one am glad you decided to keep posting. As I said after your controversial (and now, I notice, deleted by author) retraction: "The prequel trilogy will always involve a clash of fun and hatred, it's just nature's way."
I maintain that Natalie Portman, like Samuel Jackson and other actors who deserve their paychecks, knows how to act. Out of the original trilogy, Lucas only directed the first movie and I weep (not really) that he decided to sit in the chair for all three of these turkeys. I imagined an Ed Wood style "Cut! Great! Print it!" attitude about all the live acting, while meticulous attention was given to Yoda's "widowmaker" shot with "begun these clone wars have."
I'm surprised that you object so much to the clones. Of all the bizarre coincidences woven into the prequel trilogy, I think I find the Fett-Stormtrooper connection to be among the least offensive. This probably comes down to the big saving grace of the prequel trilogy, the rarely-failing* production design. The transition from the AOTC clone uniform to the Stormtrooper uniforms is great, and so are all the middle steps and variations.
I don't know if this has ever been confirmed, but my impression (probably from some non-sober late-night discussion) is that the Imperial army by Star Wars etc. isn't made up of clones but rather draftees. Luke talks of heading to the Imperial Academy (flight school, assumedly) and Biggs mentions that he wants to join the Rebellion before he's drafted. Based on that, it's just the initial push to war that requires clones.
I don't have a problem with them being clones at any stage, but there's plenty of other problems available. Did the clone plot point come up just because Leia says "Clone Wars" in Ep IV? And if so, why call them that? Why not "War of the Separatists" or the "Galactic Civil War?" We don't name wars after the tools you used to fight them. We don't call WWI the "Trench War" or "The War of the Biplanes."
The introduction of the Clone Army also underscores the lameness of the prequel trilogy's plot development; it's AOTC's inheritance of TPM's boring bureaucratic drudgery. Think about it -- Obi Wan's sent to find out what the hell is going on, and discovers a MASSIVE army has been built in the Jedis' name. What happens to that investigation? It grinds to a dead halt when Yoda goes and gets several divisions of clones to save Obi Wan's ass. That's like that joke of somebody ordering a bunch of pizzas to be delivered to your house, except instead of pizzas it's a couple million guys going "hup! hup! hup!" As a device to start the war up and winnow down the Jedi numbers, it's pretty weak. I understand that all of it, including Obi Wan's discovery, are engineered by Palpatine, but it's irksomely unbelievable that the Jedi don't follow up.
One of the rare failings of the production design is the battle droids, both regular and "super" varieties. I find their spindly frames completely uninspired. Despite that, I love the battle sequence at the end of Clones. As Jordan put it once, it's like they brought a Ralph McQuarrie painting to life. I'm not down with every little decision going on during that part of the flick, but visually it's the best ever candy.
of course it was a clone army that shepherded the rise of the empire -- they were still making new ones on kamino during AotC who would have been the proper age twenty years later when the events of SW took place.
but at that point, the empire had sway over everything happening in the galaxy. they'd probably have some sort of recruitment program for actual humans (ps - are there any alien storm troopers or are they all human?)
sample advertisement for imperial army recruits
"crush your grandmama and her stupid hard candy! join the storm troopers and bring the hammer down on everyone you know."
besides, think of those two schlubby dudes they assigned to keep watch on the power switch when obi-wan went on his death star mission. their conversation doesn't really sound like the speech of the trained and committed. it's just short of,
"hal, i've got this rash on my balls."
"no kidding, these frigging suits are like sandpaper."
I'm not convinced. Your explanations raise more questions than they answer. I suppose the reason the clones bother me so much is that it's another example of Lucas writing for his children.
Chip Lucas: Daddy, why isn't that soldier moving? Is he dead?
George: Yes son, but don't worry. You see, he was only a clone.
If as you suggested, the Stormtroopers are drafted, my question is "why"? If the Empire has the ability to clone an army, surely it would be more to their advantage to use clones instead of soldiers for every reason and then some. You can justify casualties. You can keep making them. You wouldn't have to write home to grieving mothers. You wouldn't have to deal with soldiers' guilt complexes or insubordination. It doesn't make sense dammit!
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