Undoubtedly conceived of during a late night coke binge in the bowels of Studio 54, Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band is one of the most poorly planned and dismally executed films in the history of cinema. If you enjoy bright colors, lavish 70’s outfits, lots of smiling and more suck than you’ve ever seen crammed into 113 minutes then by all means check it out. Otherwise you’ve been warned!!!! I’m embarrassed and ashamed for every all star cast member involved except for the Bee Gees who manage to make it through unscathed because, well, they’re the Bee Gees.
There’s no story to speak of in this Beatles inspired musical. But that doesn’t stop George Burns from narrating in a smug and knowing manner. The narration is cryptic and nonsensical and Burns yaps away without a care in the world - “Mustard was on his way to the FBB Central where the evil genius would suppress the magical instruments and make the world safe for his corrupt legions.” …huzza-whaaaaat???
If that weren’t enough, George goes straight for the jugular with his unforgettably mind raping rendition of Fixing a Hole. Watching George Burns croak his way through this song was one of the most painful experiences of my life and my only thought this time around was “Damn you straight to hell AC - I can’t believe I’m watching this again!”. If you haven’t feasted your eyes on this, then frankly you don’t know what suffering is. Oh, the pain! The humanity!
You’d think that if you make it through that then you can take pretty much anything else they throw at you. But then a pair of robot massage therapists lend bizarre vocals to not one, not two, but three Beatles songs! Elsewhere funnyman Steve Martin coughs up chunks of dignity in his baffling mad scientist rendition of Maxwell’s Silver Hammer. *shudder* Oh, the suffering!
Truth be told, there are brief moments of fun to be had if you stick with it long enough. Earth Wind & Fire perform a mildly engaging diet funk version of Got to Get You Into My Life that would be more than welcome if you were pushing a shopping cart around a supermarket. And I was never so happy to see Aerosmith in my life. Their sleazy cover of Come Together blew in like a breath of fresh air and managed to be the only inclusion worthy of the source material.
But if you think I’ll ever sit through this nightmare again, you’re sadly mistaken buster…
4 comments:
omg! omg!! i'm so jealous johnny sweatpants! i went to two video stores and two retail stores yesterday, knowing in my heart no crapathon could be complete without sgt p. shockingly, no one had it. i love aerosmith's raunchy cover of "come together," but really there's not much else to like or even tolerate. thanks for taking the bullet. i plan to inflict this film on some local friends as soon as i can find a copy and pin them down, heh heh.
JPX burned me a copy of this a couple years back, presumably for this exact purpose!
It took me 3 sittings this time around. I kept shutting it off in disgust but having it loom over me was almost worse.
Wow. This is all amazing.
What's weird for me is that I was sent to bed having watched only half this movie when it aired on TV once, and for years and years I've thought of it as a fun treat to finally see the rest of someday. I could only watch George sing until "It really doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right" just now, so I'm sure I couldn't plod through it.
Kudos to JPX for his diabolical plotting.
I love the picture you chose. If I'm not mistaken I believe that it's the record album when you open it up. That George Burns bit was the perfect example of why this should be avoided at all cost.
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