I was on my way to the library to take out some books this evening when I received this lovely grade. I was already in a foul mood because I had just been fighting with my mother seconds before I left my apartment, and I was further on edge because the library was about to close. So I’m driving around downtown trying to find a parking spot when this cop starts tailing me. I started thinking about the break light that I might have out, and figured he was lollygagging a bit before he would pull me over, you know, just so I could start to feel the heat run down my neck and the trickles of sweat begin to form above my brow. After traveling down a number of side streets with this jerk on my ass, I finally found a spot. At this point I just wanted him to get away from me or pull me over, so I pulled straight into the spot knowing that it wouldn’t cut it, and I would have to back in, but I figured he could then pass me and I could be left alone to park, but no, oh no, he had to sit and wait. So fine, I back out of the spot, pull forward, and then back perfectly into the spot. I turn off my car; he pulls up, and then rolls down his window to talk. I’m thinking, “Jesus Christ, Buddy, what the hell do you want now.” Well, I did figure it may be about the light that I possibly have out. Instead, he says smugly, “Do you know what grade I’ll give you for that?” “What,” I answered.” “C+,” he says even smugger. I told him that it would have been a perfect parking job if I hadn’t pulled in first, and he said that’s why he gave me a C+, and then I said to him that I only pulled into the spot so he could pass me. He laughed with an explosion of smugness, and then drove away, leaving me on the side of the street watching a scene from Forest Gump that was being protected onto a movie screen on the side of a building.
36 comments:
Seriously, this guy has nothing better to do with his time. If he likes to give out grades then maybe he should have been a school teacher. I should have said that to him.
No, you're always better off being polite and deferential to cops. I think of it this way: these are people who are fully authorized to make your day horrible.
Love the closing detail about Forrest Gump. I thought you were making a figurative comment and then realized what was happening.
Otherwise, however, I'm afraid I can only give this post a straight B.
I'm kidding, of course.
What the hickity hick is happening in this photo?
Wow, sometimes women are really dumb.
My wife has this same issue, she never sees these things.
HE WAS HITTING ON YOU, GOOF!! Cops are people too (yes, his technique sucked ass), and they hit on women while working, it happens. (I happen to know, some women respond to the uniform, or gun, or badge...something).
Poor bastard was putting on the moves, and drove away figuring you knew it and shot him down. Imagine how bad the day was for the next person he pulled over!
Miko, If he was hitting on me then shouldn't he have given me an A?
...or even an A+
This photo is supposed to be about cops staying cool using this nifty ac method.
Last week JPX and I watched Star wars on this outdoor movie screen.
Whirly, I said his technique sucked. He may have been bad at it, but he WAS hitting on you.
I didn't catch this, but I think Miko's right. I'm sure he thought his bad grade was supposed to be funny.
I have to admit I've pulled the "charming critique" method before and had it blow up in my face (as it should). In fourth grade I repeatedly told this girl I liked that she was a "quirk," because I'd just discovered this word (but hadn't bothered with its meaning) and was dying for any amount of attention from her. She wasn't impressed.
Miko, that's so funny! When Whirlygirl told me this story last night my exact comment was, "He was hitting on you, dummy!"
Girls are so dumb when it comes to this stuff.
I would have been totally annoyed too Whirly. Whether he was hitting on me or not - I pride myself on my parallel parking abilities and would have been cheesed off after an exchange like that.
He never even saw my face until he pulled up next to me.
JPX, you never said that.
Whirly, I love how you never let JPX get away with even the slightest falsehood!
I don't think he was hitting on you though. Sounds to me like he was simply another bored jerkoff on a power trip.
Why not both?
Yeah, I'd go with bored "jerkoff" (JSP, you don't like cops either? Surprise, surprise. lol) who was hitting on you.
Whirly, this may come as a shock to all of you ladies, but he didn't necessarily need to see your face...
I did too tell you he was hitting on you! If you recall your response was, "He didn't see my face".
Also, I agree with what Miko is suggesting, he was looking t boobs.
JPX, your so full of it, you never said that, and he didn't see my boobs either. He was not in front or on the side of me until after I parked. It was dark, so how did he even know that I was female? JSP has this one right.
I think that I do have a break light out, and that's why he was following me either that or because I was driving slowly while I was looking for a parking spot he may have thought I was drunk. The parking scenario was just the icing on the cake for the jerkoff.
Jeez, does that last sentence sound a little inappropriate or is my mind just in the gutter?
...and is it "jeez" or "geez" or is it both?
For the record, I genuinely respect cops, particularly city cops for all of the bullshit and drunken, brain dead idiots they have to deal with on a daily basis.
Whirly, I can't help but harp on the fact that you said I got "this one" right. Does this mean I've gotten other ones wrong? Because as far as I know, I've never been wrong about anything in my life.
But seriously, what was that about parking jerkoff icing?
I think it's "jeez". I use "geez" to refer to an old bastard.
Boobs!
That's an excellent point JPX, I hadn't thought of it that way.
JSP, obviously given my background, I agree. The interesting thing is, some of the toughest cops I ever met were the guys in really rural areas. (Am I the only one who feels like my mouth is gonna fall off when I say rural? Weird sounding word out loud.)
The guys in the boondocks get to respond to barfights and domestics and everything else alone. No other cops in the immediate area, no back-up two minutes away. Some of those guys just radiate "badass".
jerkoff icing? Whirlygirl, I am shocked and appalled!
JPX, I think you should be tested for ADD. Your attention span is on the fritz today.
Rurrrrrrrrrrrl.
The cops who deserve to be mocked of course are the Barrington ones whose only two responsibilities are breaking up high school house parties and... make that one respsonsibility.
Whirly: I always spell it jeez short for Jesus (but satisfyingly secularized) as apposed to geez short for gee or gee whiz. I think Johnny's wrong for thinking that the hard G is the obvious choice, which means he's now been wrong about something.
Miko: I think it's weird that you're speaking out loud what you're typing as you type it. Cut it out.
Guys: Does Whirly really not see this? He knew she was a woman because she screwed up on the parallel parking, duh. Woman drivers! Am I right?!?!?!
Yeah, Octo, I stopped speaking out loud while typing long enough to say. "Oh, no he didn't".
Just in case the Swede ever decides to read what I am doing here, I must tell you I couldn't disagree more.
Women, especially women from countries where there are more moose than people, are fine drivers. Their ability is in no way an indication of why Volvo makes indestructible cars...
Oh, and ABBA had mad musical skills, and IKEA is my favorite place to spend a Sunday.
Fighting words!!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I'm actually a really good parallel parker. I never learned how to, and so I always avoided it, but then one day I was in a situation where it was either parallel park or not eat, and so I did and found that it wasn't very difficult. Now I can say that I can park in a spots that only leaves me with a few inches between cars.
Who wants a funny JPX parking story?
One night JPX and I were going to a play. I hadn't yet leaned that if there is parallel parking involved then there is no way in hell that he is driving.
Picture it, there is a parking spot big enough to hold an eighteen wheel mack truck. JPX makes several unsuccessful attempts to pull into the spot. I then get out of the car and try to guide him, but either I'm not good at giving directions, or JPX is not good at taking them, personally, I believe it's the latter. This fiasco went on for awhile until the nearby street bums started hootin' and hollerin' at JPX. They said things like, "Ooh, that's a tuff one," with sarcasm, and "where'd you go to drivers training school Connecticut?" Soon people driving by starting dishing out comments while honking their horns. The situation continued to grow bleak and we left. As we drove off leaving the bums jaws flapping in our dust, I turned to JPX with tender eyes, and vowed to him over sentimental music that I would never let street bums make fun of him again.
**Disclaimer**
This story has only been retold here with JPX's permission.
Is it possible that the bums knew he was the brother of the man who farted on them as they slept?
Miko, that's an excellent point.
Whirly called me and asked if she could tell that story about me parking but she FAILED to mention that was doing so in order to defend women! Had I known that I would've put a stop to it immediately!!
My Rhode Island driver's test consisted of having to drive around a block. That's it. True story. Sadly I never mastered parallel parking (although WG will confirm that I accidentally parked really well the other day). There have been times where I've altered my plans because the only parking spots available involved parallel parking. I'm sick of typing the word "parallel".
JPX, that's why we still need to get another cone. You and Becky need to learn so you don't have to avoid certain places.
Yes, it's true, JPX did an awesome job parking the other day. He's redeeming himself from the bum incident.
husband and i have a tacit agreement that i'm the better driver and he's the better parker (by tacit agreement i mean that he would deny what i just said but agree he is better at parking). jon grew up driving in and around manhattan, and can parallel park in a space if it is two inches longer than the car. it's like a magic trick. of course there's no guarantee either of us can maneuver the car out of said spot, but that's hardly the point.
JPX is a wonderful brother and a great guy all around. Unfortunately those qualities do not prevent him from being one of the worst drivers in the country. It took him about six years before he grasped that 93-S from Boston turns into 95-N if you don't exit. As I recall, he was almost made it to New Hampshire before discovering his error. And giving him directions is an exercise in futility. Other than that though he's the man.
Miko, you're not planning on letting go of that homeless guy bit are you? Fair enough. I regret nothing!
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