The Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver

(2011) *1/2

“Once is funny, twice is silly, three time's spanking.” This is the first life lesson I was ever taught as a child and it was taught to me by none other than my older brother JPX. I quickly learned that jokes were not as funny the 2nd time around and that a 3rd time could result in a violent backlash. The Gingerdead Man franchise could certainly use a bare bottom spanking for going to the well once too often. Sure, I reveled in the sheer stupidity and Gary Buseyness of the first one and I was able to grin and bear Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust but Saturday Night Cleaver is where I absolutely draw the line... sorta.

The problem isn’t so much the lack of ideas. In GDM3 the homicidal cookie escapes captivity and travels back in time to the late 70’s where he resumes his murderous ways at a roller disco. The plot is framed by a socially awkward girl named Cherry who is determined to skate in the Roller Boogie contest despite the fact that her overbearing mother prohibits her to do so. The more I write about it the more I look back at it with rose tinted glasses but believe me, this one is a stinker.

Amidst an overabundance of horror spoofs like Silence of the Lambs and Carrie, the Gingerdead Man utilizes a wide range of weapons including a nail machine gun to eradicate the 70’s world of carefree, horny teenagers once and for all. He masturbates (sigh, again) and overindulges in stupid, unfunny quips. And yes, you get to see his gingerbread pecker in this one.

Poughkeepsie Tapes

(2007) ****1/2

I originally rated this as 3.5 stars (because I didn't like the documentary style shooting), then bumped it up to 4 stars after being afraid to walk around at night, and I'm finally settling on 4.5 stars because I can't stop referring to it and JSP can't stop telling me that he never wants to think about this movie again. Here's his review.

There was a certain fascination I acquired with the killer because the FBI Agents and policemen really dissect his psychology and methodology. As a kid I couldn't get enough of the TV show Unsolved Mysteries and at one point I wanted to be a detective. I also felt a safe distance from the Water Street Killer because Poughkeepsie, NY is located approximately 3,000 miles from me. It sounds ridiculous when I recount this, but at the time I was watching Poughkeepsie Tapes I'd just let out a sigh of relief at each slashed throat and think, "Those poor New Yawkerhs."

Don't let the geography fool you, though: Poughkeepsie Tapes does deliver and, like a blister from a new pair of shoes, reminds you it's there when you least expect it. I couldn't stop thinking about the countless frames of terrified faces looking the killer right in the eye, negotiating, grasping for any shred of compassion in this senseless killer. It struck a sour chord with me and, like JSP, I was waiting for it to be over.

So why not the full treatment? Where's the last half-star to make this a perfect, 5-star winner? Well, I had a bit of a problem with the "FBI Agents" in the movie. The majority of them just seemed to damn chipper to be actual agents or talked like they were trying to sell me something on QVC:

"If you purchase nine saws in the next hour you'll get the tenth saw for just a penny!"

Targets

(1968)

Crystal Math's rating: **** 1/2

Johnny Sweatpants' rating: ****1/2

Released in 1968, Targets is the Roger Corman produced B-movie which boasts Boris Karloff's last onscreen performance. As the story goes, Karloff owed Roger Corman 2 day's work. Director Peter Bogdanovich took full advantage of this opportunity and also incorporated footage of Karloff from The Terror to create something that was wholly new and startling.

Targets' content signifies on many levels the changing face of horror. Karloff is coming from a generation that revered monsters and any plot set in a big castle with ridiculous costumes and British accents. What this movie shows in its story is the potential horror when the killer is as straight-laced as Bobby. The Horror-Slasher genre glorifies deranged outcasts of society, and today we've got found footage movies to evoke terror. This movie is a stepping stone from classic monster horror to the person-next-door killer movies.


Karloff, in a role that hit close to home, played Byron Orlok, an aging horror icon whose legacy is dwindling every day. Half the film is devoted to Orlok coming to terms with retirement and the other half follows Bobby Thompson, a young Vietnam vet who wakes up one morning and writes a chilling note: "To whom it may concern: It is now 11:40 AM. My wife is still asleep but when she wakes up I am going to kill her. Then I am going to kill my mother. I know they will get me, but there will be more killing before I die."


Bobby follows through with his promise and goes on a merciless killing spree. The fact that his motives are never revealed makes it all the more frightening. After picking people off on the highway, Bobby finds an even better perch for human target practice. The two narratives converge at a drive-in theater where Karloff is scheduled for a guest appearance.

Targets is a remarkably elaborate film that is still terrifying today, particularly in light of Columbine, Virginia Tech and the Dark Knight shootings.

It! The Terror from Beyond Space

1958 **1/2

"I didn't steal Alien from anybody. I stole it from everybody!" -- Dan O'Bannon

This showed up in my Netflix search when I looked up the other It!. Normally I wouldn't double up on exclamation point flicks but the plot of this one was too familiar not to check out: a spaceship crew must fight for survival as they are stalked in their own ship by an alien creature they picked up on a strange planet. Sound familiar?

Some of H.R. Giger's lesser-known early designs...
In the far off year 1973, the first mission to Mars crash lands. Two months later the rescue ship arrives to find Colonel Edward Carruthers is the only survivor. He is immediately accused of killing all the others to extend his survival, predicated on the idea that he didn't know how long until help would arrive (how could he not know that?) and that the supplies would last a lone man ten whole years instead of one. While this is being discussed somebody leaves the rocket's garage door open and a humongous alien sneaks in and hides in the basement.

"Science me up some of that coffee, dollface."
The crew heads back to Earth and the female doctor and science officer serve the boys food. The brunette listens to Col. Carruthers tell his version of the story and suddenly they're dating. Pretty soon a couple of corpses show up having been completely drained of moisture, because living on Mars makes monsters thirsty. The rest of the movie is a slow chase scene straight upwards, because this is an old-timey rocket ship with one floor hatch on each level, as illustrated by this surprisingly simple blueprint.

"Why did we fill this level with bees again? I forget."
Since the movie was made in 1958 the astronauts have free rein to fire guns and lob grenades all over the ship. Nothing fazes It!, however, and they must grab what supplies they can and flee to the next level.

"I SAID 'LET'S JUST BLOW UP ONE OF THESE LADDERS'... oh, never mind."
On principle I won't blow the ending but it's something they should have thought of right away. I will mention that they find a bazooka and fire it in the rocket's control room, which is an undeniably badass act of stupidity.

I can't really give It! The Terror from Beyond Space the three star pat on the back. It is charming in its way but ultimately suffers from too much padding. Of particular note is the "let's walk outside and sneak up on him!" scene, which seems to take as much time as a real life spacewalk might take. It's like those wall climbing scenes in Batman but without the rope, the cameos or the fun. And also they're going down.

But can you really get enough of THIS?

Forbidden World

1982 ***1/2

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my humble opinion that our collective pokings into the dark corners of the labyrinthian Horrorverse serve no higher purpose than the discovery of movies like this one. As I deliver the word of its mighty coexisting goodness and badness, picture me defying gravity, riding on a cheap pleather beanbag chair and showering you with handfulls of crunchy Cheetos, for that is the low-rent magic of Forbidden World.

I had seen this once before, catching it on cable back when I had time to read the entire monthly Cable Guide and schedule viewings of every single movie whose written description included the italicized word "nudity" at the end. I revisited it this year partially because it's another Alien knockoff but mostly because my favorite detail: seeing Tommy the evil boyfriend from Valley Girl get his face eaten off.

I wasn't surprised to discover that this is another Roger Corman cheapo 80s sci-fi romp, just like Galaxy of Terror from the previous year. I sensed a similarity between those films only a few minutes in, as the Dickensian sub-themes were once again presented in the early Russian mode, but with Platonic overtones. Ha ha! I mean because they used some of the same sets. Like this one.

Our hero: an 80s version of 60s William Shatner, but with the sex appeal of present day William Shatner
Our story opens with space dude Mike Colby being awakened from hypersleep by his trusty robot. His blinky twitchings are intercut with a strobed montage of unfamiliar images that will turn out to be scenes from later in the movie. We'll see this montage again at the end of the movie, to remind us. That's how good it is. That's how bad it is.

There immediately follows the most incomprehensible space battle I have ever had the priviledge to confusedly squint at. Apparently it's a mishmash of footage from Battle Beyond the Stars, intercut with Mike Colby barking orders and nonsensical readouts on various monitors. It's kind of like watching ballet, but if the performers were blindfolded and obliged to carry bowling balls as they dance. Clumsy but still fun to watch.

Mike Colby is billed as the "top troubleshooter in the federation," and after completing his morning space battle he answers a summons to the distant planet Xarbia, there to assist an isolated scientific research lab because apparently the entire female population (both of them) are wearing too much clothing. And also they made something that ate all their lab animals and then cocooned itself in the incubator.

"Well Dr. Glaser, the interesting problem is all under control."
The transition from cocoon to roving alien practically had me doing couch somersaults, it delighted me so. After they show Mike Colby the lab full of ripped-apart lab animals (between this and those bunnies, my Horrorthon has been rough on lab animals), the Scientist In Charge has Tommy from Valley Girl come in to clean them up, and also to keep his eye on the cocoon.

"That techno-rock I listen to is gutless."
Tommy goes for a closer look at the cocoon, and reveals that his employers' quarantine protocols make Prometheus look like Andromeda Strain. Because the high-tech incubator in which these scientists grow their genetic experiments is equipped with a cat door. Tommy sees the cocoon pulsating and calls his boss, propping the door open. The Scientist in Charge sends Tommy's girlfriend Tracy to the lab to see what he's talking about. "And call me immediately if there's anything to see," he says, adding thoughtfully "I'd hate to miss something." You could loudly ask the man on the screen why he doesn't go himself then, as I did, but his delivery is just so damn sincere. He really would hate to miss something.

Meanwhile some gunk has oozed from the cocoon and a piece of liver with four suckers is oozing its way up the side of the glass wall. Tommy watches, then notices the open cat door, thinks "hmm, maybe I should close that," and oh-so-deftly goes to silently close it... almost... just about closed...

Ah, well.
At this point I'll take a moment to note that at times Forbidden World boasts a script much, much smarter than it needs to be, which is something I noticed in 1993's Carnosaur, another Corman production. The research center exists because the planet Xarbia has a native bacteria called Proto B which is the planet's only life form, feeding on its own dead in a perfectly closed system. The scientists have been splicing Proto B with various genes in the hopes of solving the interplanetary food shortage. As Tommy's body lies in the lab, it's soon discovered to be in a state of metamorphasis, breaking down into self-replicating masses of simple proteins the hyrbid animal can use as food.

See what I mean? It's shlock horror with a better brain than several movies I've seen that had much better production values. Of course when I say the script is smart at times the key words there are "at times." Let's not get crazy. It also features a girl-on-girl naked backrub shower scene when Dr. Barbara Glaser comforts the grieving Tracy, and the scientists observing the Tommy-turning-into-monster-food phenomenon just leave everything lying around as it replicates all over the floor.

Science!
I gave this three and a half stars, because I like to place all the movies I watch somewhere on the same scale. On basic movie quality, however, it could earn as low as two (but not from me), and were I to slap on a separate So Bad It's Good rating it would get a four and a half easy. Roger Corman's work is known for being cheap and derivative, but he's well-liked because he never shirks in his role as an entertainer and he knows what is fun to watch and what isn't. Watch it alone, watch it with friends, I really can't recommend this movie enough.

From Dusk Til Dawn

(1996) ****

The Gecko bros Seth and Richard are professional thieves. Well, they'd like to think they are. George Clooney succeeds in portraying yet another egotistic yet charming lead while Quentin Tarantino is cast perfectly alongside him as his lame sex-offender socially-awkward brother. Together they are evading the authorities and making their way to Mexico to find. . . I forget what.

Here's George Clooney with a gun...

The truth is, for the first 48 minutes of this movie you think you're watching another cleverly written and directed action-crime movie. I thought I'd just wasted nearly an hour of my precious Horrorthon time. It isn't until the second half that monsters are whipped out, people are dying, and survivors are devising a way to stay alive and kill off said monsters. Although this movie doesn't seem to know what it wants to be, it still manages to be hilarious, watchable, and engaging.

and Quentin Tarantino with a gun...

and Juliette Lewis with a gun...

even Harvey Keitel gets a gun!

The players in Dusk Til Dawn are 100% committed to what they are doing, no matter how ridiculous the plot gets or how many people are holding guns. Juliette Lewis is, I believe, one of the most underrated actresses and no matter who she's portraying, you are always in tune with her emotions, her motive, and her soul. Harvey Keitel is another overlooked actor in my generation, but he definitely makes his mark as Lewis' father and a former priest turned badass. Then there's Salma Hayek, who needs neither introduction nor praise because everyone already knows how beautiful and diverse her roles are. (I'm not saying this in spite; I once saw her gave a great interview on Conan O'Brien that indicated to me that her wit matches her beauty, and I think she's a great role model for aspiring young Latinas, whether they want to be an actress or a businesswoman.)

I felt like this movie is a great keeper for anybody who likes a good action movie. The effects are great and it doesn't get too scary and in the spirit of Rodriguez films, it's just plain fun.

The Reflecting Skin

"Sometimes terrible things happen quite naturally."

(1990)

Crystal Math's rating: **

Johnny Sweatpants' rating: ***

A trio of young boys slightly resembling the Three Stooges pull pranks on locals to pass the time in their rural Idaho town. The film's central character, Seth, helps out his family where he can and absorbs as much sci-fi/fantasy as was available in the 1950s. Seth becomes obsessed with a woman -- Dolphin Blue -- to whom he is instructed to apologize after pulling a prank on her; Ms. Blue tells him that she is extraordinarily old and he suspects that he is a vampire. When a young boy is found dead and police begin an investigation, family secrets and small-town drama unfold in front of Seth's eyes.

CM: At first the drama and the speculation is intriguing, but the film's plot is quick to fizzle out and although the wheat-filled countryside is visually stunning, and the stories each adult tells Seth about their past is captivating in illustrating their transition from innocent childhood into dark adult years, it just doesn't save Reflecting Skin from being dragging on until its only-slightly surprising ending, and even that dragged on for too long. I really wanted to like this movie but I just didn't see its appeal. Viggo's character was interesting but underdeveloped and compared to the speaking volume of the other characters, he was practically a mute. I wouldn't recommend this unless a Viggo fangirl/fanboy wanted to see every movie he ever made.

JSP: I will admit that it took me five attempts to make it to the end of this movie but I did enjoy it considerably. While certainly a slow builder with an arguably unsatisfying conclusion, I eventually immersed myself in the hopeless world in which it was set. Octopunk did an excellent job praising the dark tone and the breathtaking cinematography in his eloquent analysis, which I recommend you read. A steady sadness emanates throughout. I applaud the artistry of The Reflecting Skin but ultimately the focus on the death of innocence depressed, more than elevated me.

Survival Necessities

Both of these titles evoke two feelings: intrigue and unease. It's difficult to listen to stomachs growling for two hours or see people's dehydrated lips and eyeballs, so I prepared accordingly.

I got a "habit" for scarfing down fries & burgers.

I will mock those thirsty losers with my super-green drink!

Hunger
(2009) **
Five poor suckers get kidnapped by a crazy bearded redhead (who bears a resemblance to one of my college professors) who suffered childhood trauma in a car accident. With a similar agenda as Jigsaw from the Saw movies, the experiment demonstrates to what lengths a person will go to survive.

Hangin' 'round the water cooler has a whole new meaning.

We watch as Grant, Jordan, Anna, Luke, and Alex gradually despise each other and form alliances in order to survive. The redhead scientist gives them enough water for a month, but as the days drag on Hunger exposes a different side of each of the victims, but there is no surprising plot twist. There is unique opportunity to make a good movie about people stuck in a room, but Hunger just doesn't realize it.


Thirst
(2008) ***
In contrast to Hunger, Thirst has its victims stranded in the seemingly infinite open space of the desert. Bryan and Noelle are a young couple who, according to hard-working Bryan, "married too early" and he is having second thoughts about the marriage. Noelle is a diligent med student who brings her textbooks on vacation. Photographer Tyson and model "Atheria" invite them to a photo shoot in the desert which they promise will take no time at all. Bullshit.

They don't bring enough water because they are stupid city kids and don't know how to plan ahead. Watching Thirst brought back a survival instinct I acquired while spending two weeks in El Salvador: in the smallest, poorest country in Central America we never, ever drank from the tap. Ice cubes became a memory for me until I returned to the States where I now put no less than five cubes in a tall glass of clean California water. Another problem I had with Thirst that reflects a problem I have with most horror-thrillers -- the most educated person in the group is never taken seriously. The other three always do the exact opposite of what Noelle instructs them to do. If she recommends they conserve water, they pour half the bottle over their head while giving her the stink eye. If she tells them to drink water and hydrate, they cap the bottles and look at her like she's got a snot-bubble coming out of her right nostril.

CONCLUSION
To be honest, I enjoyed Thirst more than Hunger -- overall the characters were more likeable and the circumstances seemed more believable. There is also a crazy, unpredictable twist leading to the ending that only a pre-med student could call. One of the characters in Hunger is also a nurse, and she describes what happens to your system when it goes without food. I found that fascinating, but it couldn't save the movie.

The Woman

(2011)

Crystal Math's rating ***

Johnny Sweatpants' rating ***1/2

Crystal: This film sees the convergence of feral and modern human lifestyles when a wild woman dwelling in the forest is tranquilized by attorney Chris Cleek while he is out hunting. Cleek conveys an image of a successful attorney with the perfect family as a facade for the monster he really is. He chains the woman up in his basement and decides that it is his and his family's responsibility to civilize her. The manner in which he goes about doing so is chilling and nasty because it parallels abusive experiences so many women have faced.

For the first forty minutes or so, the footage of the family could easily make up an indie drama about a family with secrets. The footage of the feral woman could be used as a straight-up horror flick (used so for its prequel, The Offspring). Though The Woman is a sequel it is strong enough to stand on its own but I wouldn't recommend it to everybody.

I gave it 3 stars because there were some scenes that were just unrealistic. One that stands out in my mind is when the teenaged Peg Cleek's Geometry teacher attempts an intervention solo (the result isn't pretty, of course, but neither is this movie). First of all, any teacher should know that the moment they suspect something is going on at home, they are legally required to report it to administration, who contacts CPS and at this point only the authorities are involved (not the teacher). I understand from a filmmaker's point of view why they did this but it just didn't sit well with me.

JSP: I really liked this one, horrible indie shite music and all. The film's statement can be simply summarized by horrible parents raise messed up kids but it was fun to sit back (with my jaw dropped) and watch the way it all unfolded. Crystal was spot on when she called it 50% indie drama and 50% straight-up horror. In my opinion the best indie dramas pay careful attention to relationships between the characters. This is precisely where The Woman shines.

Mr. Cleek is an abusive know-it-all. His wife is the typical meek female that megalomaniacs such as him prey on. (The one time she questions his judgment to enslave the savage woman he silences her with one slap.) The son idolizes his father and is destined/doomed to follow in his footsteps. The only family member with any hope of escaping the hellish living conditions is Peg, the rebellious teenage daughter. Unfortunately she has the added burden of looking after Darlin' Cleek, who is far too young to recognize the hand that she's been dealt, let alone do something about it.

Awakening of the Beast

(1970) 

Johnny Sweatpants rating: **1/2

Crystal Math rating: ***

Crystal Math and I still have plenty of reviews to write and we watched a slew together. In Horrorthon '11 we tied 23-23 and Crystal was determined to beat me this year. Let's just say that things got competitive and we still have a lot to get through, so we decided that it would be best to collaborate on the remaining overlaps. This will spare needless additional plot synopses and collaborations are fun! 

Awakening of the Beast took Brazilian director Jose Mojica Marins one step away from schlocky horror and a few steps towards hallucinogenic sexploitation movies. The transition is awkward to say the least. In Midnight we last see Joe being tortured by ghosts on Dia de los Muertos; Awakening of the Beast begins with a woman shooting drugs and dancing naked in front of an audience of three. By 1985 he concentrated on pure smut such as 24 Hours of Explicit Sex (which, as enticing as it sounds, featured Brazil's first scenes of zoophilia). It’s a shame to learn that he mostly churned out slop after the delightfully wicked At Midnight I’ll Take Your Soul but he probably chased the dollar signs with filth. Actually the more I read about him I suspect he simply reveled in the filth.

To clarify, Awakening of the Beast is not part of the "Coffin Joe trilogy" which also includes This Night I'll Possess Your Corpse and  Embodiment of Evil, which Catfreeek previously reviewed. The character of Coffin Joe appears in several movies but most of the time he plays a minor role. In this one he is merely a deranged hallucination in a drug-fueled mind. Awakening should be recommended to the CJ fan who's got to see it all, otherwise ignore it. This film opens with another classic soundbyte from Coffin Joe, a monologue about his strange world and the people that dwell therein, and the plot revolves around psychiatrists conducting LSD experiments to prove a connection between hallucinogens and sexual deviancy. The combination of titillating images and slice of 60’s drug culture barely distinguishes it from the typical sexploitation flicks of the time that Something Weird Video distributes.  If not for the hilarious singing butt cheeks that Catfreeek addressed in her review, it would be mostly unmemorable.

Sadako 3D (The Ring 3)

(2012) *

Thirteen years after Ringu took the world by storm Sadako’s back, well sort of. In the latest installment a cursed video is making the rounds on You Tube (?), which depicts the suicide of an artist and anyone who watches it is curtains (i.e. they die horribly moments later). Ayukawa is a teacher at an all-girl high school and when rumors suggest that the recent suicide of one of her students was caused by watching the video she launches her own investigation.

Good lord, that’s the best I could do with my plot description because the film’s story is needlessly so much more complicated than that. Here’s a blurb from Wikipedia to explain the artist’s motivation,

“Kashiwada had been attempting to resurrect Sadako Yamamura, (referring to it as the "resurrection of "S") as revenge against the human populace for persecuting him. He initially kidnapped long-haired women and threw them down the well, alive. However, when it was revealed that a body could not be found that way, he orchestrated the "cursed video" so that the video would find the perfect host for her.”

Huh?

It’s even harder to follow than that. The ad campaign was the scariest thing about this film,

Here’s what JPX believes. JPX believes the world has changed drastically since Ringu. When Sadako crawled out of the television set to murder her victims it was not only a chilling image but it was also unsettling because she broke the 4th wall. Specifically, back in the late 90s we all watched television and movies with the knowledge that the characters could not actually get us. Fast forward to 2012 when we Skype on our computers or use Facetime on our phones (except that none of you jerks will do it with me). The idea of a character being able to see us on our television screens is not scary anymore because we all do it every day. Perhaps the director made Sadako 3D in “3D” to overcome this obstacle? A true 4th wall? Maybe he believed it to be the last vestige of scary? Is it even possible for a Ring sequel to be scary anymore? Perhaps I’m being overly analytical of what ends up being simply a bad movie. Never scary, Sadako 3D has an incredibly confusing storyline and the 3D is of the Jaws 3D variety. There’s some visually pleasing Sadako stuff in the weird conclusion but that’s about it. Terrible.