Monday, November 05, 2012

Don't Answer the Phone!

(1980) *

Bearing a distracting resemblance to The King of Queens, Vietnam vet Kirk Smith is a professional photographer who likes to stalk pretty women by driving around town and convincing them to model for him. Of course by “model” I mean strangle. In between choking buxom beauties Kirk likes to call a local radio show in order to taunt the female psychologist host. We soon learn that Kirk’s victims are all clients of this psychologist and this is where Kirk finds his prey. Will the two ridiculous cops on this case be able to stop Kirk before he kills again?

“Don’t Answer the Phone!” repeats the same sequence of events approximately 7 times before it ends;

1. A pretty female patient is seen in a therapy session.
2. Kirk stalks her and convinces her to come to his studio for a photo shoot.
3. Kirk proceeds to rape and strangle her but not before tearing open her shirt to reveal nice big boobs (never a bra, of course).
4. Kirk calls the radio station to taunt the host.
5. Repeat

My favorite moment of the film was seeing this crazy Bee Gees billboard in the background early on in the story,

Apparently “Don’t Answer the Phone!” has some cult status but I would be damned if I knew why. I chose this because I like movies that tell me what to do in the title. This film would be a nice double feature with “Don’t Open this Door!”

Don’t Watch this Movie!


Catfreeek said...

Funny review, what the hell is going on in that first picture? It looks like he has a dwarf arm.

Octopunk said...

I think that's her arm, but before I read your comment I was about to say that he looks kind of dwarfish in both of those pictures.

"I chose this because I like movies that tell me what to do in the title." Ferris Bueller, you're my hero.

Octopunk said...

Wait, who isn't supposed to answer the phone? You don't mention him calling his victims (the obvious people to warn) so I must assume that the host of the radio call-in show is being told not to answer the phone?

And does it really take seven clients vanishing before she figures out they're being targeted? I would hope any doctor of mine would warn me after the first two.

50PageMcGee said...

soo, you're saying that we get to see a total of 7 pairs of boobs in this? that's a lot of boobage.

great point, octo. so that's two potential subthemes to take on -- movie titles that boss you around, and movie titles that don't have jack shit to do with the movie.

great review jpx -- i laughed out loud at the last line.

DCD said...

Hilarious review, JPX. I don't think I've laughed as much at anything the King of Queens has done as I did at that picture of the naked chubby guy in his 70's den.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Nice one JPX. I would love to see you devote an entire 'thon to movies whose titles tell you what to do or not do.