Still from The Old Dark House

Sorry I've been such a ghost on the blog; I always aspire otherwise. I've got another picture-heavy review in the works but I thought I'd post this one early as it doesn't really fit with what I'm writing. Nevertheless I love it; it's totally accidental but the result is the most Edward Gorey-esque photograph I've ever seen.

From "The West Wing" by Gorey. Not the tightest visual comparison but the mood is very similar.

Holy Shit! We almost missed Cat's Birthday!

Hope you had a meow-filled day with lots of fun and catnip, Freeek!

Grindstone Road

(2007)**

Hannah Sloan slips into a deep depression following a car accident, which results in her young son falling into an extended coma. Flashbacks reveal that she was responsible for the car accident and her guilt consumes her. Heeding the suggestions of her therapist, who hypothesizes that a change of scenery might help, Hannah along with her husband Graham decide to relocate to the small town where Hannah grew up. Soon after moving into their new fixer-upper Hannah begins to experience both auditory and visual hallucinations including visions of a young boy who converses with her in her dreams. Her husband chalks it up to posttraumatic stress disorder but eventually he too cannot deny that something weird is happening in their new home. While speaking with her elderly neighbors during a chance encounter she learns that her house was once the site of a tragedy years earlier. A little digging around at the local library reveals that a boy her son’s age who shared her son’s name went missing one day and was never found. Some amateur sleuthing reveals a startling connection between Hannah and the missing boy.



Grindstone Road is an overall dull “haunted house” story with zero original ideas. The characters, particularly the husband, are unlikable, and the story moves at a glacial pace. There is little character development, which makes it difficult to invest any emotions into Hannah’s plight. Even when everything is revealed it is done so through spoon-fed exposition. The schmaltzy ending is entirely too predictable. I’m giving the film an extra star because it has nice cinematography and the fx are adequate.

Popcorn

(1991) **1/2

Independent filmmaker and certifiable nutjob Lanyard Gates ends his only film, “The Possessor” by snuffing out his family as the cameras rolled. During the one and only showing of this disturbing material a series of coincidences led to a theater fire and Lanyard Gates disappeared and was presumed dead.



Fifteen years later a group of film students decide to re-open the charred Dreamland theater for a one night only “horrorthon” (yep, that’s what they call it) before it is scheduled for demolition. Their idea is to present 3 (made up) 1950s films (“Mosquito”, “The Incredible Electrified Man”, and “The Stench”) using some of the old special effects employed at the time including releasing foul odors, jolting the customers with a weak electrical current and having a giant mosquito fly across the theater. While preparing the theater for the big event the students stumble upon Gates’ old film and fire it up for laughs. The students find the film disturbing and shut it off when one of them faints. The horrorthon (heh heh) sells out quickly and as the movies roll the film students begin to die grizzly deaths. Has Lanyard Gates returned for one last round of mayhem?



Like Matinee (1993), Popcorn is notable for its homage to 1950s schlock b-movies and the movie theaters that showed them. The film itself is pretty dumb and the deaths, although original, are of the yawn variety. The acting is sub-par and the characters are forgettable. Brief appearances by Ray Waltson and Tony Roberts are welcome and lend the film a touch of respect. I found the 1980s-ish montages of the students cleaning out and setting up the theater to bad pop music to be the most enjoyable aspect of the film.

Check out the trailer, which is hilarious because it attempts to lump itself in with famous horror movies,

Criminal Lovers (Les Amants Criminels)

(1999) **1/2

Alice convinces her boyfriend Luc to help her murder one of their high school classmates. Once the deed is done they head off on a robbing spree, and finally to the forest to dispose of the body. Unfortunately, their footprints, which they thought they would use to track their way back, have disappeared and they find themselves hopelessly lost in the deep, dark woods. When they discover a cabin amongst the trees, they think they’ve hit the jackpot with food and shelter, but instead they find themselves becoming the prisoner of a crazy secluded trapper.

Criminal lovers, like many French films, is a bit peculiar. It’s not your typical being held captive by a mad man tale. You don’t find yourself sitting on the edge of your seat biting your nails in anticipation of the captive’s possible escape or demise like you would in a film such as Wolf Creek. This film just doesn’t have that tone or tension, and it doesn’t because that’s not what it’s about. It’s more about sexual appetite…remember this is French, and so the viewer’s expectations are less fixated on the characters’ survival and more on wondering what direction this movie may take.

It certainly travels to strange places, but nothing to faint over. It has some interesting moments, but honestly I really wasn’t taken by its major theme, and I found Alice and Luc to be quite unappealing. She’s bitchy, whiny, and entitled, and he’s passive and pathetic. It’s not a total dozer, but it certainly doesn’t make my list of must see French horror.

HILARIOUS promo for a Norweigan TV station

You will not believe who they got to sing "Let it Be". It's long but worth the watch to the end just to see the crazy bunch of B, C and D-list celebrities. (Look especially for the embarrassing George Costanza boogy at the 4 minute mark.)

Magazines of the Future

The future for Catfreeek.

Funny...

But this one made me laugh out loud!
(Click to enlarge - the fine print is great.)

These were my favorites. You can see the rest here.

Neanderthal Man

(1953)**

Scientist Clifford Groves is bent on proving his ridiculous theory that primitive man was more advanced than modern man both physically and mentally. Apparently Groves believes that bigger heads equal bigger/smarter brains. Early on we watch him give a lecture about his whacky theory to a group of colleagues who rightly mock him when he finishes presenting his “research”. His response to their derision is classic; "Tuck your fears between your legs and run from new truths! Small men! Small views! You want proof, do you? Well, I'll give you proof! I'll show you such proof that no men have ever had!"

Meanwhile the local townsfolk in the High Sierra Mountains of California begin reporting strange sightings of a huge saber tooth tiger. Initially skeptical, game warden George changes his incredulous tune quickly when a saber tooth tiger jumps onto the hood of his car as he’s driving home one evening. Convinced that the rumors are true George solicits the aid of Dr. Ross Harnkess, a big wig zoological expert from L.A. who agrees to move in with George until the mystery is resolved (?).

The duo eventually learns that the saber tooth tiger is a cat that has been injected with a devolution serum created by none other than crazy scientist Groves. Not satisfied with what he has created Groves makes the ultimate sacrifice and injects himself with his devolution serum where he goes through a ridiculous transformation that includes looking like the homeless man that asks me for money every day on my way to work.



Before long, Groves goes on a Neanderthal rampage killing all innocents in his path. He also can’t help himself to a little hey hey when he stumbles across this,



Yep,



Eventually a posse is formed,



And Neanderthal Man gets bummed out.



And we’re given an important message,

"We mustn't think of him too harshly. The things he did--and they were terrible--all of us are capable of doing when we give free play to the basis which is a part of everyone. He tampered with things beyond his province...beyond what any man should do. And if it was madness...well...those whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad."

All this, of course, is wonderful 1950s mad scientist stuff! Did I mention that Groves somehow has a girlfriend despite being such a pill to be around all the time? At one point she complains, “I want you--the man I once knew! The good companion, the cheerful friend. What is this unhappy work that has absorbed you so much, that is undermining your nervous system and making you such an intolerable sorehead?" I think I’m going to start calling people “sorehead”. This is forgettable, silly stuff that will unintentionally make you laugh throughout.

Mikey

(1992) TVM **

Young Mikey has a touch of sociopathy. When we first meet him we find him murdering his foster family. He drowns his sister in the pool, tosses a radio into his mother’s bathtub, and clubs his father like a seal with a baseball bat. When the police arrive he blames an intruder and his story is accepted, no questions asked. Fast forward and we find Mikey moving into a new foster family’s home. Mikey is seeking the “perfect” family and when things are less than perfect Mikey gets angry. His new parents seem keen, for now.



If this plot sounds familiar it’s because it’s essentially the plot of the Stepfather movies that were popular at the time. Mikey borrows heavily from better films such as “The Bad Seed” and “The Good Son” for a low-rent version of these familiar themes. Why is Mikey a serial killer? The film never gives an answer although it’s hinted at that he might have been abused in the past. Mikey is a completely forgettable affair with no surprises. The deaths are unimaginative and the acting is piss poor.

Saw 3D

(2010)***

Saw 3D opens with one of Jigsaw's games being played out in an open plaza behind glass walls. Hundreds of onlookers see a love triangle gone awry as two boyfriends unite to saw their ex-girlfriend in half. So, as the movie's preview promised, will these stunts all be more open to the public, bold and daring? No. After this opener, which has nothing to do with the rest of the film, the traps are all done in the privacy of the victim's immediate vicinity.

Jigsaw's games are now national news and there's even a support group of Jigsaw trap survivors. We get the chance to see all the bit actors who've made it out of the traps from the previous six movies. This is impressive, as I didn't remember anybody living from the past six movies.

One of these survivors has even written a book and gained national fame from his experience. However, he's actually faking the whole thing, and the real Jigsaw is going to make him pay.

I had high expectations that Saw 3D would be as original and inventive as the earlier films. And, it probably was as good as the earlier films. But after finishing watching this, I remembered that although they had clever endings, the earlier films were still only slightly above average. Since they were the first of their kind, the first few Saw films are kind of revered as starting their own sub-genre. And, indeed, they were original, but they were never great. That pretty much describes Saw 3D.

They do get extra points for having a little self-mockery though. For example, while Jigsaw's recordings are usually on a microcassette or video, one of these traps is listened to via 8-track player. How do you record sometihing on a 8-track? If the police wanted to find Jigsaw, they would just need to find the one person in the world who recently bought a blank 8-track tape. There are also some clever discussions about how one on the outside would try to get out of the traps and, are the traps really eye-opening, as some of the more sanctimonious characters try to proclaim.

I think Saw 3D is a good way to end it. The film's ending leaves the possibility open to about 20 more sequels. But, they'd be better off just waiting for the inevitable reboot later on.