Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Anne Hathaway looks terrible

From wwtdd, Anne Hathaway is in Paris this week filming a romantic comedy called “One Day”. As in, “One Day, I went to the pet groomer and got a haircut and they chopped it all off and it was a terrible idea because no girl ever looks better with short hair. Some girls look ok but every girl on earth looks way better with long hair. Now, with my featureless pale skin and androgynous hair, I look like a CPR mannequin. This is gonna be a horrible movie.”

‘Machete’ is gonna be a good movie

From wwtdd, Robert Rodriguez got a lot of free press for his new movie “Machete” when he cast Lindsay Lohan in a minor but pivotal role, as a famous girl with big boobs who appears naked in the movie, ‘Machete’. But who knew that the superhot Mayra Leal was gonna be naked too?

Hopefully she did, because she hides a cell phone in her vagina in this clip that’s leaked online, and if they just kind of sprung this on her at the last second, or worse, if she didn’t know they were filming, she’s probably gonna be pretty embarrassed.

She shouldn’t be though because that’s what I would do if I had a vagina too. Hide things in it. Like candy when I went to the movies.

I have a feeling that the new Conan movie is going to be great for some reason

Flashback: The Movie Machine - Redbox of the 1980’s?

From slashfilm, A couple weeks ago, I was walking around a yard sale in Hollywood when I stumbled across a bookshelf full of folders — press releases and press kits for movies from the 1970’s to the 1990’s. As it turns out, the yard sale was being held be the family of a former Hollywood foreign press member (one of the critics who voted on the Golden Globes). I ended up coming across an awesome piece of history that I never knew existed.

In 1986, Diebold and Group 1 Entertainment announced the release of The Movie Machine, a vending machine where you could rent or buy movies on VHS. I’m not sure what happened to The Movie Machine, but the idea was definitely ahead of its time — Redbox has become the fifth largest DVD rental service in the the United States, by installing an estimated 22,000 kiosks in fast food restaurants, pharmacies, grocery stores, and convenience stores around the country.

The Movie Machine press release even suggested that the kiosks could be installed in grocery stores, convenience stores and shopping malls, and that the first 1,000 of 2,000 machines ordered, would be functional by the end of May 1987 (although I don’t remember ever seeing one of these machines as a child). You might recognize Diebold as the company which installed many of the country’s ATM machines and most recently made headlines with controversy over the new voting machines.

Zsa Zsa Gabor 1917-2010

Summer movie report card: Most pass after a rocky start

By Scott Bowles, USA TODAY

No one is sorrier to see summer draw to a close than Hollywood. After stumbling out of the gates early on, the film industry righted itself with a string of unexpected hits like Inception, The Last Airbender and The Expendables. Ticket sales heading into the Labor Day weekend are 4% ahead of last year's pace, reports Hollywood.com. Sure, attendance is down 2% from 2009. But in this economy, movie executives are beggars, not choosers. Still, there were a few hiccups in what was otherwise a healthy summer, including flops from Tom Cruise and young superheroes. USA TODAY offers its annual summer report card for the film industry.

Go here for the report card.

Archie Comics Character Comes Out

From the dailybeast, A teenager has come out in Riverdale, and no, it's not noted "woman-hater" Jughead Jones.

If ever there was a sign of changing attitudes toward homosexuality, Archie Comics, the aggressively mainstream and relentlessly wholesome comic books featuring redheaded Archie Andrews and his friends, will introduce gay teen Kevin Keller in Veronica No. 202, on sale September 1.

Veteran Archie artist Dan Parent says he'd been toying with the idea of a gay character for a while. Kevin finally came to life in a story meeting Parent had with Jon Goldwater, the co-chief executive of Archie Comic Publications, and editor in chief Victor Gorelick.

Read the full article here

My Thirst, You're Not Quenching It: Dry Water

From geekology, Forgotten for over 40 years, powdered water is back and looks like coke. But don't snort it! Actually, do snort it -- I want to see what happens. More, do more. MORE! Haha, what do you mean, "why is it brown?" Because you've been snorting heroin! I said, "BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN SNORTING HEROIN!" Hey! HEY!
*wiping prints*

[It's] known as "dry water" because it consists of 95 percent water and yet is a dry powder. Each powder particle contains a water droplet surrounded by modified silica, the stuff that makes up ordinary beach sand. The silica coating prevents the water droplets from combining and turning back into a liquid. The result is a fine powder that can slurp up gases, which chemically combine with the water molecules to form what chemists term a hydrate.

There's also other potential uses for dry water such as jumpstarting chemical reactions and providing a safer way to transport and store harmful industrial materials.

Silica-wrapped water droplets, amazing. But the question remains: will it be available in individually wrapped, snack-size "DO NOT EAT" packets? I sure hope so! Mmmm, silica gel pouches. One time I got over 20 in my mouth before they kicked me out of the shoe store!

Rod Serling Talks Favorite "Twilight Zone" Episodes in Lost Interview

From worstpreviews, never-before-seen interview from 1970 with "The Twilight Zone" creator Rod Serling has just surfaced on YouTube for the first time, showing sci-fi author James Gunn discussing Serling's show and sci-fi in general.

Regarding "The Twilight Zone," Serling stated: "I think it failed in terms of its consistency. It was very good some weeks, quite bad other weeks. But this is pretty much the track record of most television, by virtue of its desperate overexposure and the brevity of time allotted to us to produce something that is qualitative. But overall, I would say that it was a creative series. We did much more creating than we did imitating. I think we tried things — failed frequently, succeeded other times. But I think the mark of the show was the quite perceivable attempt at quality that went on in the show."

He went on to say that his two favorite episodes were "The Invaders," about a woman fighting off little aliens emerging from the roof of her house, and "Time Enough at Last," about a book lover who finds himself alone with his books after a nuclear war.

Go here and here to watch the interview, which also has Serling admitting that he's a terrible sci-fi writer and discussing another sci-fi show, "Star Trek."

Monday, August 30, 2010

And now for something completely different...

Here is a piece of my art for your viewing pleasure. I just couldn't stand opening the blog to Homer tits anymore.



I am entering another Lego-building contest for the only reason there is -- to win more Legos. The contest is to make a bounty hunter and his spaceship, ostensibly for the Star Wars universe. Behold the Subacor! It's not finished. I have to bang out some details and post it by tomorrow night.

I will of course take better pictures than these iPhone pix, but I thought the blog could use some action this morning. (Yes, I brought it to the office with me. When I build a Lego thing I kind of have a crush on it and want to be around it all the time. Plus, looking at it helps me think about what to add next.)

The contest is decided by the votes of the other members of the fbtb.net, the Star Wars Lego fansite that's hosting it (fbtb = From Bricks to Bothans). The voting will be held as a series of head-to-head battles between the bounty hunters. I'll post links when it's all under way.

* Sorry, but nobody can vote for me unless they were a site member before the contest was announced. I think that's right, anyway. It's the kind of thing they do.

** Saying "Legos" is officially incorrect, the proper term being "Lego bricks." But sometimes I don't want to sound like a tool.

*** It's pronounced SOOB-e-kor. Is that how you thought it was pronounced? Other pronounciations might be uncool.

Box Office

From ew [excerpt], This one may not be decided until tomorrow as the top two films are only separated by a meager $300,000. It’s interesting that for a weekend that wasn’t generating much attention from Hollywood, both new releases have now grossed over $20 million, creating a real horse race. The Last Exorcism led the charge Friday night, but Takers has come up from behind and is getting mighty close to Exorcism’s gross. Both films well over-performed expectations, with Takers earning an estimated $21 million for the weekend and Exorcism an estimated $21.3 million. It’s likely that either Lionsgate or Sony Pictures has overestimated their Sunday number, though, and we may have a different outcome tomorrow.

If you are to trust the exit polling, The Last Exorcism was universally despised by audiences. According to CinemaScore, the film generated a D with audiences. Not even the younger crowd, which is usually more accepting of movies, could muster more than a failing grade for the documentary-style thriller. Takers fared better, earning a B from audiences, with women under 25 enjoying the film the most.

The rest of the weekend was dominated by holdovers, with the most recent releases falling most. Lottery Ticket dropped a steep 65 percent while Piranha 3-D lost 60 percent of its value. The re-release of Avatar didn’t make much of a dent in its box office, earning only $4 million in its 812 theaters for a twelfth-place finish. The film has now earned close to $754 million domestically.

Spot three for the frame was held by The Expendables, which in its third week grossed an estimated $9.5 million, dropping 44 percent since last weekend for a total cume of $82 million. Eat Pray Love earned $7 million for a total gross of $60 million. And slot five went to The Other Guys, which has stayed in the top five since opening a month ago. Losing only 37 percent of its value for an additional $6.6 million, the film is just on the cusp of $100 million with $99.3 million.

HHD Results! It's totally not a conspiracy!

Then again, maybe it is.

Quite a few magic bullets were fired; I loved how the varying degrees of opinion colored the overall bloggy knoll. Some of the gems:


toothpick thru sandwich
hits bread, meat, lettuce, toppings
a "magic" toothpick?

It's true! The conspiracy of the "magic bullet" depends on Connolly and Kennedy sitting on the same level and facing forward as the shots ring out. In truth, Connolly was sitting in the lower "jump seat," and, after the first shot, had turned his body in such a way as to account for all the wounds to both himself & JFK. "Back and to the left" is also hogwash; the first shot from the back made Kennedy tilt forward, allowing for the trajectory of the third, final bullet. But anyway, also from 50Page:

stan's conspiracy
picking a hump day topic
with four syllables



Elvis never died
Who really cares at this point?
He'd be an old fart

So true, so true

Also from JPX:

Know what's bugging me?
Why's Jersey Shore popular?
Yes, conspiracy

I have an elegant Theory of Superunification that explains EXACTLY why the show is so popular. I'll post it soon.


The Wookiee 7
Leave no clues for you to find
Except ripped-out arms

Loved this one - I was hoping for more backstory exploration of the Wookiee 7. Whose side are they on, anyway?

And I liked the following, even though I feel like the reference went over my head:

Easter Island heads
In collusion with mummies
Make air travel suck


a patient told me
"the damn jews own everything"
i wish it were true


Rich elite not smart
eliminate all the rest
who will wait on them

And in conclusion, the winner is Johnny Sweatpants.

You're far too trusting
There's no evil in the world?
Corruption exists

Well done, everyone! Watch out for the nWo black helicopters!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Wait, An Actual Useful Infographic? Get Out!

Note: This is only a small portion of the useful info, click HERE to see the whole life-changing thing.

Finally, an infographic that might actually change my life. Granted it won't, but still, it could. I mean, if I weren't such a deadbeat. How about number one there, the hanger idea -- that's pretty good, right? Well it would be if all my clothes weren't in a pile on the bathroom floor. I call it my nest, and it's where I sleep at night. Bathmat pillow aside, don't you dare judge me. I don't judge you, do I? Yes, I do actually, I'm very judgey. Anyway, read the graphic, learn some shit, then get out there and get life hacking! But a word of warning: don't go overboard, bricking = certain death.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Ozzy Jersey Shore

I caught Ozzfest with Desroc the other night and before Ozzy performed a short film played. In the film Ozzy inserts himself into various pop culture movies and TV shows. Above is my favorite part.

Forthcoming Avatar Special Edition DVD Reinstates the Film’s Original Earthbound Opening

So Avatar is back in theaters today with nine extra minutes. But as we told you not long ago, this version of the film will hit DVD in November, and when it does there will be a further seven minutes added, making the film sixteen minutes longer than the original theatrical cut.

Now James Cameron is talking about what will be in that longer cut of the film. One of the things going back in is the original opening of Avatar, which started out on “a dystopian, Blade Runner-ish Earth.”
Cameron talked to The Oregonian, saying,

…if you buy the box set in November, you can sit down, and in a continuous screening of the film, watch it with the Earth opening.

We’ve long known that this opening was shot, but ended up being cut because it was a bit slow, and Cameron wanted to just put audiences on the way to Pandora as soon as possible.

He reiterates that in further comments from the interview.

[The Earth opening] works very well. It just takes a long time to get the movie started. You have to be sort of predisposed to like the movie like a fan, you know what I mean? And then you can sit and you can have a great ride — a different telling of Avatar. Not inconsistent — it’s just the stuff that happened off-camera.

It’s about 4 1/2 minutes of stuff. And it was in for the longest time. It was very late in the day that we took it out. I walked in one day and said to my two editors, ‘Guys, I want each of you to cut a new version of the start of the film, Reel 1, that doesn’t have any Earth in it at all.’ And they looked at me like I was out of my mind. And I said, ‘No — it’s gonna work.’ They had to figure out the details. I said, ‘Just grab a couple of things to use as flashbacks, and start it in space when Jake opens his eyes.’
In the interview Cameron explains that while that sequence was cut late in the game, it still featured unfinished effects, which Fox spent “a million bucks or whatever” to finish.

So this November box set will feature that opening, a bit of other footage and then “like 45 minutes of unfinished deleted scenes.”

Fall horror preview: One more, 'Saw' fans, then you're cut off

From usatoday [excerpt], So long, Jigsaw. Don't let the door shear you on the way out.
After more than $730 million in worldwide box office and 30 million DVDs sold, Saw 3D, the seventh installment of the booby-trap horror juggernaut, will mark the final cut Oct. 29.

And for Tobin Bell, who has played the maniac for all seven installments, the last cut is the deepest.

"It's a little melancholy," says Bell, 68. "We've had such a great run, there's a sense of satisfaction in what you've accomplished. But no one likes to see a great run end."

Great, of course, is in the eye of the beholder. And from the beginning, Saw split critics over whether the film's gruesome violence, coined "torture porn," was art or sadism.

For the rest of the article and a summary of all the horror movies coming out this fall go here

Crocodile Dundee Owes $150 Million in Unpaid Taxes

From worstpreviews,"Crocodile Dundee" star Paul Hogan lives in Los Angeles, but recently flew back to Australia following the death of his 101-year-old mother. When Hogan was boarding his return flight, he was stopped by the Australian Taxation Office (ATO) and served with a bill of $37.6 million in unpaid taxes owed to the government.

Hogan's lawyers are now looking to figure out a deal, because the actor is not able to pay the bill, which may end up being north of $150 million after interest and penalty charges are added. He has been banned from leaving the country, which means that he may not be able to return home to his wife and child for several years.

ATO has been investigating Hogan as part of the nation's probe into the use of offshore tax havens. He has missed many years of tax payments since 1986, which is exactly when Hogan filmed the first "Crocodile Dundee" film.

How Many Films Have You Watched in Your Life?

From worstpreviews, Gwilym Hughes, a movie enthusiast who held a Guinness World Record for the number of films he had watched, has died at the age of 65.

Hughes used to watch up to 14 films per week (2 per day) and kept a detailed record of each one he had seen. Guinness reports that he sat through more than 28,000 movies in his lifetime, with his favorites being "Lawrence of Arabia," "The Dambusters" and "The Sundowners."

Hughes claimed that he usually watched movies between 9pm and 12am and it never interfered with his life.

Cool poster for the upcoming indie flick A Horrible Way to Die

Now stop looking at the poster and watch the damn trailer!

Stanley Kubrick's Lost Daughter

From thedailybeast, In an exclusive interview, the director’s stepdaughter breaks her silence about her Scientologist sister, Vivian, who hasn’t spoken to the family in 10 years.

For the last ten years, whenever anyone asked Katharina Kubrick—stepdaughter of the late, legendary filmmaker, Stanley Kubrick—about her youngest step-sister Vivian, her response was, “Oh, she’s living in L.A., doing something.” Their mother, Christiane Kubrick, would say the same thing.

“We weren’t lying, we were just being economical with the truth,” Katharina says over the telephone from the Kubrick’s Hertfordshire manor house, Childwickbury, where she and her mother teach art. “Because if you say, ‘My sister has become a Scientologist,’ where do you go from that?”

Read the full article here

Thursday, August 26, 2010

New Tron Legacy Trailer Is Bootlegged, But Still Worth Watching

First Look: Paul WS Anderson’s ‘The Three Musketeers’

From slashfilm, Now that the Doug Liman-directed version of The Three Musketeers from Warner Bros. has been well and truly back-burnered, there’s nothing to stand in the way of world domination for Paul WS Anderson’s 3D action-adventure adaptation of the same material. As an opening attack, the first images from Anderson’s film have appeared online.

Above, that’s Mads Mikkelsen as Rochefort.

The Three Musketeers opens in 3D on April 15, 2011, and in addition to Lerman and Mikklesen stars Matthew Macfadyen, Ray Stevenson, Luke Evans, Christoph Waltz, Milla Jovovich, Juno Temple, Orlando Bloom and James Corden. It’s a pretty great cast, but I can’t get the hilarious images of Anderson’s latest Resident Evil film out of my head. So despite the cast, hopes are being seriously restrained here.

Hobo With a Shotgun

Great Comics that Never Happened: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen 1988

"When war-hero-turned-handyman Kesuke Miyagi is found drained of blood, it becomes clear that the occult gang known as the Lost Boys are targeting the only individuals that can stop them from complete domination of America. It's the perfect case for the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen--except that their government contact, Oscar Goldman, disbanded the team in 1979 after they defeated Mr. Han's army of the living dead.

Now, disgraced scientist Emmet Brown has to put together a new team to combat the growing threat of the Lost Boys and their leader, a newly resurrected vampire kingpin Tony Montana: Transportation specialist Jack Burton, ex-commando B.A. Baracus, tech wizard Angus MacGyver and the mysteriously powerful femme fatale known only as 'Lisa.' But will Brown be able to stop the Lost Boys before time runs out?"

Octo: Just found this yesterday at Comics Alliance, which I also just found yesterday. See the rest of the Great Comics that Never Happened here.

This one's by far my favorite. Check the pictures on the wall, there's one for Serpico and Rocky Balboa, because of course they're different people [edit: Oops! Serpico was played by Pacino, not Stallone]. And the Farrah pic is captioned "Jill Monroe." Fiction, yay!

Tron's Got G-G-G-Girls!? Poster

From iwatchstuff

Rolling shutter effect can make stunning iPhone photos

From tuaw, The image above was shot by Jason Mullins with his iPhone 4 on a flight from London to Guernsey. The weird black lines you can see are actually distorted, disconnected copies of the propeller blades, but this isn't a Photoshop hack; this was how the image came out of the phone.

Virtually all consumer grade digital cameras, including cell phones, do not take the picture instantly when you push the shutter button. Instead, they quickly scan over the CCD sensor from the top left to the bottom right, like the electron beam in an old CRT television. This is called rolling shutter capture. This scanning process is fast, but sometimes it's not fast enough. If you angle the device just right and take pictures of fast moving or rotating objects, you can create all sorts of weird and funky distortion effects. You can see more like this in the rolling shutter Flickr group.

Are You Sure? I Don't See It: Dinosaur Cloud

From geekology, This is allegedly a cloud shaped like a dinosaur. Personally, I don't see it. What I do see is Kermit about to eat a penis. Which is erotic in it's own amphibious puppetry way, just not dino hot. *clears throat* Moving on.

Thanks to dealmaker7883, who agrees I should probably still rent a hot-air balloon and go investigate. You know, just to be on the safe side.

Sucker Punch looks about a dozen shades of awesome

This is Zack Snyder's new baby, and it is babe-y. I've noted before how I can get annoyed at movie realities that aren't really real, but in this case it seems justified. I'm not sure that folding together all the different scenarios on display here could happen neatly.

There is also a set of character posters like this one; see them all here.

Who will be in The Expendables 2?

From worstpreviews, As soon as "The Expendables" became a huge success, Sylvester Stallone immediately announced a sequel and stated that he will bring back some of the original cast and will make sure to get other big action stars.

We've already heard that Stallone has had conversations with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jean-Claude Van Damme regarding taking part in "The Expendables 2." But the always-credible The Sun is now reporting that Stallone has also reached out to Mr. T, Hulk Hogan and Carl Weathers.

According to the paper, he is also looking to get Vin Diesel and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson on board. The script is currently being worked on and everyone is rushing to get the sequel into production. Stay tuned

'Iron Fist' Movie Happening, Script Promises Same Poetry as 'xXx'

From iwatchstuff, Following through on their promise to, for better or worse, bring more obscure comic heroes to screens, Marvel has begun development on a film about the aptly-named, strong-knuckled superhero Iron Fist. The studio's first step in an awful direction? Hiring xXx writer Rich Wilkes to start on a screenplay. Sounds like it's time to put Iron Fist on a snowboard!

For those who never collected his Marvel Universe card, Iron Fist is a '70s-created hero who has kung fu skills and super-tough fists he uses to punch shit so hard, but is still mostly known for his longtime insistence on wearing a ridiculously high-collared, down-to-the-pubes-V-necked bodysuit. Being that a film version of Fist's frequent teammate, Luke Cage, has also been talked about for some time, I'd say Marvel is likely hoping to eventually put the two on one poster--maybe a super-sweet lightning bolt separating their intense faces? It's all about synergy, man. And lightning bolts.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


From worstpreviews, Now that Robert Rodriguez is getting ready to release "Machete" in theaters and Jason Eisener is in post-production on "Hobo With a Shotgun," Eli Roth (Hostel) has become more serious about filming "Thanksgiving," another big screen version of a faux "Grindhouse" trailer.

During "The Last Exorcism" press junket, Roth told CinemaBlend: "I've been working on the script with my co-writer, Jeff Rendell, who plays the pilgrim in the trailer. But Jeff has been working. I said that his deal is he has to work on the script while I'm promoting 'The Last Exorcism,' and as soon as I'm done in mid-September he's going to fly to California, we're going to sit down, and bang out the script."

"Thanksgiving" movie has always been part of a package that includes Roth's PG-13 monster sci-fi thriller called "Endangered Species." The goal was to get $85 million in funding for both films together.

Original Kermit the Frog donated to Smithsonian

From usatoday [excerpt], WASHINGTON — The original Kermit the Frog, his body created with an old dull-green coat and his eyes made of pingpong balls, has returned home to the nation's capital, where the puppet got his start.

The first Kermit creation from Jim Henson's Muppet's collection appeared in 1955 on the early TV show Sam and Friends, produced at Washington's WRC-TV. Henson's widow Jane Henson on Wednesday donated 10 characters from the show to the Smithsonian's National Museum of American History.


From rebelscum, One of the more interesting exclusives given away during Celebration V was a set of cereal boxes featuring Star Wars characters with a humorous take. The only way to score these was to attend the collector panels, where they were handed out at the end of each panel as the room was cleared.

I scored this special edition Celebration V "Fetties" cereal box while attending the collector panel for 30 years of The Empire Strikes Back in trading cards, something I obviously have an interest in this year! ;)
At the end, they gave away some cool cards, including a neat 3D card that I will scan soon, but I also got one of the collector cereal boxes....FETTIES! It's got 1st appearance Boba Fett on it! There's even REAL cereal inside!

Damon Lindelof Compares Star Trek Sequel to The Dark Knight

Last time we heard about the film, producer Bryan Burk made mention of Christopher Nolan’s Batman films as an example of what they were trying to achieve with the sequel. Apparently that wasn’t just an off-handed remark, either, as now co-writer Damon Lindelof (co-creator of LOST) has expanded on the comparison in a recent interview. Read what he had to say after the break.
E! Online caught up to Lindelof at a pre-Emmys party, and coaxed him into sharing some details on the film. The clip is included below, but here’s the relevant excerpt:

We’re looking at a movie like The Dark Knight, which went one step beyond Batman Begins. It was really about something, and at the same time it was a superhero movie. We don’t want to abandon all the things that made the first movie work and have it be fun and emotional, but we also really want the movie to thematically resonate.

Read more here

HHD (along with the Fremasons, Illuminati, CIA, NSA, FBI, MIB, Mafia, The Mother Company, Stonecutters & The Wookiee 7) present: CONSPIRACY THEORIES!!

In my never-ending quest to see if the government is actually watching and trying to crack down on anything, I present yet another activity through my computer that, beyond the almost criminal levels of porn, should in theory at least get me some attention, if not arrested and/or “adjusted” through my new digital-broadcast-ready TV with the secret camera and microphone installed (mandatory on all models from 2007 on…seriously, it’s true!)

“What’s the Dealey-yo? Why we be slowing down so much in this wide-open area?”

Right on the cusp of the Internet age, almost served as an appetizer of sorts (makes you wonder), was Oliver Stone’s 1991 film JFK. (A source of inspiration playing in the background as I write this…) Looking back, it seems no accident that right on the cusp of the country (and the world) being reborn as a collectively tongue-wagging blogosphere, we get a movie that essentially rewrites history, presenting a work of fiction that becomes what the younger generation now takes to be inarguable historical fact. It’s a good lesson in how good we’ve become at creating our own faked reality:

The chick in the yellow spandex is the script supervisor

The REAL reason we had to cover up the Moon landing

In any event, here’s why conspiracies really exist: they actually help us make sense of a world which, more often than not, does NOT make sense, or adhere to any known principles of logic. In short, the bigger and more senseless the tragedy or event, the more vocal and blazingly passionate the conspiracy theory. We need, in a basic, psychogical-survival kind of way, to invent narratives that help us make sense of it all. Our beloved musical icons can’t just die stupidly; there HAS to be some sort of overwhelming conspiratorial desire to bring them down, an evil desire that equals and eclipses the joy we got from their music. The list is long and storied, each with a separate conspiracy theory: Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Elvis Presley, Paul McCartney, Kurt Cobain.

“No, I don’t want to go to no Grassy Knoll Club. What it is witchoo?”

It’s comforting, in a perverse kind of way, to invent stories about the chaotic and unpredictable nature of the human race. It helps us stave off the body-rocking fear that there really isn’t anyone in control, that there’s really no rhyme, reason, or control of absolute random chaos springing out at any moment, and that there’s no reason for anything, at all. (By extension, this is why religion exists, too. A strange corollary, and probably a conspiracy.)

That’s my anti-conspiracy paragraph; the bone thrown that there’s an Occam’s Razor for any potentially conspiratorial scenario. The simplest explanation tends to be the truth. UNLESS…

That’s right. Controlled Demolition. The buzzwords that define anything in relation to a 9/11 conspiracy theory.

See? Nobody wants to mention the Big Red Arrow that flew into the South Tower!

I’d like to return to one of my favorite tropes, the BASIC computer programming If/Then scenario, which passes for absolute truth and fact in my world…


IF you believe ANY PART OF the following: a Lincoln and/or Kennedy conspiracy, and/or that something other than a weather balloon crashed at Roswell, and/or that the Moon landing was faked, and/or any number of Big Conspiracies Involving What Passes For Our Government, and/or just a vague, general sense that things are probably Not Entirely What They Seem,

THEN, you must conclude that 9/11 is the end result of a decades-old, if not centuries-old, perfectly-honed ability on the part of whoever the “leaders” are, to perform the most audacious stunts in full public view, knowing that through control of the media, and the softening of the brains of the masses through TV, that anything reported as factual will be taken as such, and that anything deviating from the norm can be dismissed as “fringe lunacy,” and everyone will be happy. The fringe will feel like they have their voice, though no action will ever be taken, and there will be an accepted story that opiates the masses. Any of the principals involved will be doing so within a level of ignorance and/or secrecy, and if it’s the latter, they will be eliminated post-haste with innocuous car accidents or heart attacks.

As they are keen to quote in JFK, “As Hitler said, ‘The bigger the lie, the more people will believe it.’”

It’s true, you know. Except that it’s not.

As Bush Senior put it on September 11, 1990 (no accident THERE): A thousand points of light. A New World Order.

I knew I could squeeze one more wrestling picture out of this

There’s been enough ballyhoo lately about Obama’s supposed Muslimism, and the fact that he’s subtly bringing this country into an eastward-kneeling, burka-heavy Muslocracy, that I felt the time was right for this topic, especially as we come up on a very important date. September 15th; my birthday. Anyway, here’s part of a great article showing that 20% of people, no matter what, are automatically nuts, courtesy of MrsX (I couldn’t hyperlink because most of the article is irrelevant to this discussion, plus I had to go through a stupid sign-in with the Washington Post:

Much attention has been paid in recent days to a poll by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life showing that 18 percent of Americans incorrectly believe that President Obama is a Muslim. But the results of another Pew poll on religion released last December were far more shocking. It turns out that 36 percent of Democrats claim to have communed with the dead, and that 19 percent believe in casting a curse on someone using the "evil eye." Think about that: According Pew, more Democrats believe in the "evil eye" than Americans believe Obama is a Muslim.

The fact is you can find 20 percent of people anywhere who believe in almost anything. As The Post's Aug. 22 Outlook section noted, 20 percent of Americans believe that space aliens have made contact with humans on Earth…

And, as Homer teaches us, statistics can prove anything. 14% of all people know that.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


It's been a long time since I was this nutso about a video game.

It's on graph paper.

If I miss the propeller hat in the beginning, I throw the game.

Is the haiku topic Doodle Jump?

Doodle Jump?

Hey, are you guys playing Doodle Jump?

I just got my new high score of 32,194. I died trying to stomp a monster that was no threat to me. Punished for my hubris.

The monster noise sounds like "gimme rum, gimme rum, gimme rum, gimme rum..."

Doooooodllle Juuuuummmp.

doodle jump!


Monster Witness Relocation Program

From Variety:

Disney has acquired the script "Monster Witness Relocation Program" from Michael Wilson and Ahmet Zappa.
Project's been set up at Will Smith's Overbrook Entertainment and Zappa's Monsterfoot Productions. Logline's being kept under wraps.

Project's being developed as a possible vehicle for "The Karate Kid" star Jaden Smith, though the thesp isn't attached at this point.

In 2005, Disney and Jerry Bruckheimer Films paid $1.5 million for film rights to Zappa's then-unpublished novel "Monstrous Memoirs of a Mighty McFearless." That story concerns a young brother and sister who learn their family is part of a long line of monster hunters.

This project sounds great, and the title is awesome. That's the first thing that struck me here. And then the second thing was wow, how nice must it be when your dad sets up a production company and starts looking for projects for you? I mean, if you want to act. I guess it would be a nightmare if you don't.

Star Tours safety video

From x-entertainment [excerpt] It’s old news, but I’m still smarting from the current-and-impending losses of Star Tours attractions from various Disney parks, which, as I understand it, are being totally gutted and revamped for the 2011 crowd. Sure, the ride is a little dated and can’t hold a candle to the sophistication of Disney’s more recent forays, but at the risk of losing that awesome Star Tours “safety video” starring Chewie and Ree-Yees, I have to ask: “Is nothing sacred?”

Free Willy The Way It Was Meant To Be Seen: As A Horror Movie

From cinemablend, A friend send me a link to this trailer earlier today and after watching it, I was shocked to learn that it is not in fact an actual, vintage trailer for Free Willy. Rather it’s a parody trailer for the 1993 film which is now probably best remembered for having a mediocre Michael Jackson-powered soundtrack. The parody trailer takes Free Willy and turns it into a horror movie, except, well that’s just how I’ve always seen it. Isn’t that what it’s supposed to be?

Maybe that’s why this particular piece of fan editing works so well. This is just Free Willy finding its natural level. This movie should have been to Killer Whales what Piranha 3D was to schools of little pointy-teethed fishes. Where’s Jerry O’Connell when you need him?

Monday, August 23, 2010

HHD Results: The mutiny was successful!

We may be savage brutes, gentlemen, but coffee is coffee

Let me just say that my heart's cockles were quite warmed by the rebellious rejection of my HHD postponement two weeks ago, and as such I've decided to include those in the pool for the winner. Perhaps I should've declared a surprise end to the contest last week, but I was so sure the topic "henchmen" would rouse all 'thonners from their summer slumber.

But no! My "legitimate" haiku day netted me only three more poetic comments than the day I said "fuck it!" I'm not sure what that says. But here's what you said.

First, upon my announcement that there would be no Christmas... I mean Haiku Hump Day, because I was too busy lounging around at a beach house somewhere, Johnny set the tone right away:

That's total bullshit
I wanted to write haikus
No one can stop me

Thereupon the group waxed philosophical, like Stan:

There's no spoon, Neo
Like there's no topic, Thonners
Bend shit anyway

And Cat:

Nothingness prevails
my mind a near empty void
filled only with cats

From there the form roamed free (sort of, since they were still haikus), and we heard about Lobot's personal life, Q-Bert's trash talk, Paul Stanley's self love and even, uh, what I was doing (thanks to the wife) while blithely ignoring the revolution taking place in my own damn post.

When the "real" HHD got rolling, I must admit I had a doubt about the freshness of all things hench. What with Austin Powers, The Venture Brothers, and The Tick, perhaps the henchmen's plight had been leeched of its comedy.

Perhaps it mostly has, but my little posse of flying monkeys did me proud.


Best Stormtrooper gig
Ride a dewback, drink some beers
Look for a few droids


An orc's resume
Former boss: Giant Red Eye
Need references


Retarded side-kick
He liked to be called Lennie
Good at crushing mice


Willard chose wisely
rats are loyal employees
and they work for cheese

I was also impressed at the range displayed, my sister culling the obscure outrageousness of a weird Daffy Duck cartoon, and AC giving a shout out to the two poor bastards who took on Rorschach in prison.

In the end, it was this one that made me laugh the most. So it wins.

And R5-D4
Movies would have sucked with him
No motivation

Because Luke says he's got a bad motivator. Ha ha ha ha ha!

So congrats Handsome Stan. No topic is awesome topic after all.

I sign off with a little reader's poll... we've got Horrorthon coming up in six short weeks... should we give HHD a rest a little early this year?