Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween!

Astronaut JPX age 5

Coffin Joe: This Night I'll Possess Your Corpse

Do you think I need a manicure?
(1967) ****

He’s baaaaaaaaack. Coffin Joe is released, being absolved of the crimes he committed in the last town. He moves to a new town and begins his reign of terror all over again. Continuing his quest for the perfect woman to bear his child, Coffin Joe gathers an array of candidates and begins testing them for loyalty.

The first test involves releasing tarantulas into the room while the women sleep. Only Marcia passes the first test. She must have balls of steel, I would have been freaking out with the rest of the screaming bitches.

Then Coffin Joe finds Laura, she’s perfect and she tells her parents she actually doesn’t mind being involved with the devil, it’s true love. However, Joe must first defeat the brute Truncador in order to pursue his love. Meanwhile, Laura’s family is outraged, her brother goes to Coffin Joe with a bag of money and attempts to bribe the man into leaving his sister alone. He kills the brother, then challenges Truncador to a poker game. When ole Truncy loses, he sets him up for the murder of the brother, using the bag of money as motive. So with the brute out of the way, against her parents will, Laura shacks up with Coffin Joe and soon after is pregnant.

He's so big and impressive

Yeeees Master
Coffin Joe breaks down and admits to Laura that one of the women he killed was pregnant, she assures him that he was just ridding the world of an imperfect child. Still, he is plagued by his actions. He wakes in the night while a demon is dragging him off to hell.

Apparently real life is dull and all black and white, while hell is in full color and exciting. Hell is filled with people stuck in the walls, red devils in thongs and an even more evil Coffin Joe look alike. While Joe is exploring the bowels of the underworld, Truncador escapes and rallies the townsfolk. Soon after, Coffin Joe gets his comeuppance.

Just as entertaining as the first film, and a great film to add to the list as Horrorthon 2011 comes to a close. Netflix did not have this installment so I had to order it. As a bonus, it came with a Coffin Joe mini comic book! Yay! I love this evil bastard, I’m really hoping Tony gets me the other two films for Christmas, Coffin Joe has earned his place in my collection as well as in my heart.

He had me at bwaahaahaahaa

Amityville II: The Possession

(1982) **

The worst one yet and I haven't seen anymore in the series after the second and the remake. Its based around possessing the eldest son, who goes after his sister sexually after the new family move into the same Amityville Horror house. Its decent 80's acting with good throbbing skin boils. The part I didn't care for is when the eldest son, Sonny is being possessed, the camera man zooms in and out over and over again...a little ridiculous. Their local priest tries to save the family after the sister's confessions, but fails. Where are they finding their priests? Where is Damian Karras when you need him? lolThis is crazy Mom and jackass Dad.Let's play a game...I'm the famous photographer and you are the beautiful model(even though you are my sister)Quite the headcase...

Hellraiser: Hellworld

(2005) ***1/2

This one is a lot better than Deader, not just because it stars Lance Henriksen :). Its another whole new idea of the Hellraiser series taken online by MMORPG(roleplaying). It has fun killing scenes, good hallucinations, and a few good twists! Five online players to Hellworld the Hellraiser online game, get invited to a Hellworld rave party. The host, Lance Henriksen, owns the territory and all of its surroundings, claiming to have the largest Hellworld artifact collection ever! This is one party I'd love to go to!He really IS the host with the most, not Beetlejuice..
Need head?Pinhead infant-ry..lolThis is actually not a picture from Saw.
Yeah, we're just hanging around.

The Baby

(1973) ***

Ann Gentry is a social worker assigned to investigate the strange Wadsworth family after rumors surface about potential abuse. Arriving to the homestead she is introduced to “Baby”, a 22-year-old in diapers who is still being treated like an infant by his odd family. Additional family members include Baby’s suffocating mother and her two daughters from two different relationships. Neglecting her other cases, Ann becomes intrigued with Baby but is met with great resistance when she attempts to teach him to behave age-appropriately. After realizing that Baby's development is being held hostage by the family for their own perverted reasons, Ann concocts a plan to “rescue” him. This does not sit well with the Wadsworth clan and Ann soon finds herself in a fight for her life.

Like many movies I’ve watched this year I stumbled upon The Baby quite by accident while trolling around on You Tube. After a little research I learned that the film is considered a cult classic – go figure. I’m happy to report that The Baby deserves its cult status. It’s a sick, twisted compelling tale and despite the absurd premise you will get sucked into the bizarre story. With underlying tones of incest and sadism this is shocking stuff when you consider that this was released in 1973. For the first few minutes of Baby I had every intention to make fun of it but I was soon captivated by its dark themes and strong performances all around including the excellent Ruth Roman (Strangers on a Train), who plays the cruel Mama Wadsworth. Dubbing Baby’s cries with those of a real infant produces some unintentional laughs and a visit to a “special” school for mentally challenged kids is squirm-worthy in our PC world but these are minor quibbles. Watch it on You Tube!

Don't Look Up

(2009) **1/2

Director Bela Olt is filming a legendary story of a gypsy woman who made a pact with a gypsy devil (not to be confused with an ordinary devil), to give up her first born child (no the devil’s name is not Rumplestiltskin) in exchange for a marriage to an esteemed man. The villagers murdered her daughter Matya because she bore the mark of the devil. As they film her story, Matya’s ghost keeps appearing on the film. The director presses onward anyway and he begins to go mad. As the director becomes insane, so did I, insane with lack of interest that is. This was an interesting idea that was poorly executed. All the elements are there for it to be a descent film, but it never quite hits the mark. It’s not scary for one thing, it’s riddled with bad cgi and cheap overdone scare attempts. I’d advise leaving this one on the shelf.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

An American Werewolf in London

(1981) ****

An American Werewolf in London is your classic buddy flick, with Griffin Dunne playing Buddy number 1 (Jack) and David Naughton playing buddy number 2 (David). (Please see exhibit A.)

Exhibit A

Buddy one starts out as your normal travel companion, then morphs into the undead, (please see exhibit B),
Exhibit B

and the other guy turns into a werewolf (please see exhibit C).

Exhibit C

The now standard european backpacking trip goes awry when these boys don't heed the advice from the locals in the Slaughtered Lamb and meander off the road into the moors. One buddy undead, the other shipped to a london hospital where he interprets his the warnings from both his dreams and his undead friend as symptoms of going crazy. I loved the dark comedy juxtaposition of psychosis vs monsterization of werewolf character. "The voice telling me to commit suicide isn't in my head, doc (or hot nurse) it's actually my dead friend, and I've got the vivid hallucinations to accompany the voice." It was my first time seeing this movie, and I quite enjoyed it. I was super impressed at how well it held up 30 years later: the beginning of the werewolf transformation ranks among some of the best/favorite special effects I've seen.


(2008) **

Jess’ life is suddenly turned upside down, when a car accident renders her husband Ryan and his brother Roman comatose. Roman awakens but somehow believes he is his brother. Confused by Roman’s recollection of memories she had with Ryan, Jess begins to spend more time with him. She begins to believe that Ryan’s soul has somehow swapped with Roman’s. Could it be possible, or is there something more dangerous going on? Blah, blah, blah, this film dragged on and on. I got so tired of seeing Sarah Michelle Gellar’s pouty face and big doe eyes. Every scene heavy with sullen background music and bleak gray tones. Watching this was like trudging through waist deep mud.

Dead and Gone

(2008) ***

When this film started I said, “Oh great, another crapfest to waste and hour and a half of my life.” The opening sequence shows a crazy dude who kills his family, then takes his own life. We then flash forward 40 years to a has been actor and his was somebody wife as they move into the deteriorating remote cabin, the very cabin from the opening scene. We soon find out that he won the cabin in a poker game and basically it’s all they have left. His wife is in a coma and her medical bills have chewed up all of their savings. He hates and resents her, wants the bitch to die. Here’s where it begins to get fun, as the ghosts of the original owner and his family haunt our man, he starts to go mad. He accidentally kills and dismembers his wife’s nurse, beheads a grocery delivery guy and kills his wife, oops! All of their ghosts begin tormenting and teasing him, the wife has the best lines. Soon the local sexy sheriff that he has been banging begins to realize that something is a little off.

Unexpectedly fun and entertaining. Yes it’s a little campy, but sometimes campy is just the thing to hit the spot. The wife is priceless, you just know she had a blast playing that role. It’s silly, but not overly silly.

The Call of Cthulhu

(2005) ***

Shot as a black-and-white silent feature, The Call of Cthulhu follows a young man who inherits his great-uncle's obsession with a series of eerie and darkly foreboding events that have taken place across time and around the globe.

The Amityville Horror

(2005) ***

I like this one just as much as the original. It does change the storyline a little bit, but results are just as good. They show more of the history of the house and even show us who Ketchum was and what he did with the house. I don't like that they kill the dog in this one, though. The "Jodie" character does make more sense in this, even though I still like the piggy idea.
The Lutz family move into a new house and deal with house issues. Similar to the original story, this one is more action packed, but has an overdose of lightning at the end(thanks Michael Bay). The priest is still covered in flys when he tries to bless the house, but the door handle flips around and turns into an inverted cross. There is a little girl named Jodie who is a ghost from the previous family that lived there. I do enjoy George Lutz's visions in this one better though.There is no privacy in the bathrooms here..Subliminal messaging on the fridge..This is the new, creepy JodieI like the new, sexy George Lutz ;).

The Amityville Horror

(1979) ***1/2

I've watched this so many times, it's definitely one of my favs! I actually like the original and the new one for their differences. I've read the book to get more detail, then I found out that this story went from non-fiction to fiction :(. I was even tempted in my earlier years to go visit the area, just to see the house. The more I've watched the series, the more I realize that they mess up the fake house! Ha! The actors are quite realistic, even down to one of the younger boys that fall 3 times in this movie-what a klutz!
The Lutz family buy a cheap house in Amityville, NY, hoping it will be their dream house. Even the real estate lady tell them bout the previous owners who were killed by their eldest son. As the family is outside in the yard playing, their family priest Father Delaney, comes to bless the house. He runs into trouble with flys and a voice that yells"GET OUT". Kathy Lutz(Margot Kidder) experiences phone issues, weird neighbor, strange breezes, and threatening fridge magnets. George Lutz(James Brolin) deals with cold temperatures, waking up at 3:15 every night, visions, voices, and is obsessed with chopping wood. The evil spirit of the house tries to invade George, but gives him the fight of his life...Anyone have any sticky flytape??Got wood?
Help me Superman!!!

The Omen

(1976) ***1/2

This classic about a U.S. ambassador raising the Antichrist does drag at times, but also offers a consistent buildup of tension, some great deaths, and a satisfying and chilling climax.

Saturday, October 29, 2011


The weekend following a long day -- and long week -- at work is greeted with what is quickly becoming a tradition for me & JSP: Zombie Prom.

Our mutual love of the undead and dressing up in ridiculously glittery garments led us to only one conclusion for costumes this year: KISS zombies.
Slit-throat Star Child

"Shock Me" Ace

The Verdi Club, a ballroom dance joint in San Francisco, held its third annual Z-Prom and it feels like it's only getting better each year. There were noticeably fewer zombies, but what lacked in fake gashes and demands for brains was made up for in decorations: chains and dead baby figures dangled above us as we entered, and giant spiderwebs with spun victims awaited us in the main ballroom.

Voodoo swing band Slim Jenkins rocked it!

That's not my hand but that IS jsp's foot. j/k

Shock Waves

(1977) **

Just sit right back and you’ll hear the tale, the tale of a fateful trip.
That started as they hauled her ass, aboard a tiny ship.

The mate was a handsome strapping lad, the captain old and mean.
Four passengers set sail that day, to see what could be seen, to see what could be seen.

The weather started getting weird, the captain said let’s ditch
But he ended up a floating corpse, while the passengers did bitch, the passengers did bitch

The ship set ground on the shore of an uncharted tropic isle
With Norman
Chuck and Rose,Dobbs the drunken cook and Norman's wife,

The horde of fiends

The commander of the Nazi band,

Here on Kill-a-Guest I-I-I-Isle.

What starts out to be a promising flick filled with undead Nazi’s, Peter Cushing and a group of stranded vacationers, takes a drastic nosedive when the single weakness of these so called unstoppable soldiers is revealed to be their goggles. Yup, you heard me right, their damn goggles. Numerous hours of combat and not even one of those trained soldiers ever got close enough to remove the goggles? I have a hard time believing that with superior Nazi intelligence, the very same intelligence that created these undead super soldiers, they would wrap all of their life force into their stupid goggles. Take the goggles off and they die. Lame! Yet this isn’t the only issue I have with Shock Waves, there is a total lack of blood in the entire film. These Nazi super zombies choose to drown their victims. What is this world coming to? A zombie film with no blood, no eating, no braaaaaains? Oh the humanity!