Leprechaun II

(1993) **

Leprechaun: You may think this line is getting old, but believe me son, I want me gold!

Rarely has a single line of dialogue so completely distilled the very essence of a movie. Let me do a quick rewrite.

Leprechaun: By now you've all realized this movie sucks balls, but we will make sequels proudly despite the catcalls.

There. Not an ounce of the original charm lost.

The story begins with a flashback to olden times in Ireland. It's the Leprechaun's millenial birthday -- the one day every 1,000 years on which he can find a bride and knock her up. The marriage is said to be confirmed when the bride-to-be sneezes three consecutive times with nobody around saying, "god bless you." The chosen babe's dad screws up the Leprechaun's plans by issuing the blessing and, pissed, the Leprechaun vows to try again in a 1,000 years with one of his female descendants.

The little dude makes it a point to mention that his birthday takes place on the day of the feast of St. Patrick. That means he was born at least 500 years before the first St. Patrick's day celebration was even held. This kind of poor fact-checking takes me right out of the action.

So flash forward to St. Patty's 1993. The Leprechaun's prey is the comparatively plain Bridget. Bridget's boyfriend Cody drives a Hollywood scare-tour car and woos customers by basically calling them pussy until they get in the car.

This time the Leprechaun's sneezing scheme works and he traps Bridget in his underground lair while he looks around for his elusive gold and, yknow, checks to see if anyone needs a touch-up on their wingtips.

Cody saves the day and blah, blah, blah.

One last observation: when Octo and SI and I screened the first Leprechaun movie the other night, our mutual friend, whom I'll call "Giggles," asked, "If he can teleport, why does he need to roll around on those stupid roller skates?" Giggles has a heap of sense to him. Why indeed must we watch his awkward little gait as he waddles from crime scene to crime scene if he can snap his fingers, shout, "Feeeyth and Begorraaaah!" and whisk himself away in a puff of smoke? I mean, Yoda can't keep up with the people around him either, but it doesn't matter because he can levitate and fly around on his cool little cushion.

This is going to be a long week.