My Bloody Valentine

(1981) *1/2

Gosh, what an excellent title for such a superfluous movie. Utterly lacking in suspense, good scriptwork, professional-level acting, and good hair, My Bloody Valentine has managed to tie itself for last place on my scoresheet with Leprechaun 3. That's right folks: this movie actually has the dubious distinction of having at least three Leprechaun movies be better than it.

The small mining town of Valentine's Bluff once played host to an annual Valentine's Day dance dating back over 100 years. They haven't had one in twenty years. Last time there was a Valentine's Dance, a maniac killer named Harry Warden ran amok and killed several citizens. Harry had been a worker in the mine, but was part of a closing crew that was carelessly left behind by the two safety men who wanted to get to the Dance earlier. The crew met with a horrific accident, of which Harry Warden was the only survivor. All frakakt because of the accident, he killed the two safety men with a pickaxe.

So twenty years later, the town is holding its first Valentine's Dance since the murders went down and the violence is starting back up again. A series of chocolate heart boxes are found containing freshly cut human hearts. Included with the hearts are Valentine cards containing threats of more violence if the festivities aren't halted.

There's an anxious mayor and sherriff, played lamely by two regional theater veterans, who were around for the first murders and freeze at Harry's very mention. They decide to call off the dance when the chief organizer is found dead in her own laundromat. The killer had stuffed her in one of the dryers and she came out all melted and toasty -- it was pretty sweet.

Anyway, the rambunctious young miners and their frumpy, flannel wearing girlfriends, unaware of the heart-grams being delivered, decide to throw a party anyway. And several of them get mangled -- one gets his face stuffed into a pot full of boiling hot dogs and there are all sorts of pickaxe mishaps. The actual character of Harry Warden sports a reasonably sinister look, all helmeted and gas masked.

The movie contains a surprise ending which was somewhat audacious considering how utterly underwhelming the movie that preceded had turned out to be. The very last 20 seconds or so feature the villain slinking off into the recesses of the cave howling continued vengance and other assorted insane snorfely noises, which was probably the only part of the movie I liked, mostly because it meant that the movie was over and I didn't have to watch it anymore.

But dude, what a kickass name!