Not a Horror Movie, but might as well be...

The Assasination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

(2007)
ZERO STARS

Hello! I know, its been a while, but now I'm back, and with quite a bombshell. The worst movie I've ever seen. EVER. Therefore it was a horrible movie. And so forth. (Not Horror, but well worth writing about, so hopefully it will spare me of the die-hard horrorness of the blog)

Looking at the poster for this movie one thinks, Brad Pitt (semi-respectable actor), pretty landscapes, Cannes nomination (artsy), historical (educational), silly long title that explains the whole movie to you (absurd and possibly self referentially amusing). So all those things came together in my head, and I thought, yay artsy action cowboy movie with some hot Brad Pitt action. H-why not.

But no. Ohhh No. The viewer instead gets to stare at Casey Affleck's sorry face for nearly 3 hours. For those of you who don't know what he looks like:

That is the first of many reasons why this is a horror movie.

The tale about the life of Jesse James kick starts with some train robberys, standard cowboy fare, and we comfortably nestle ourselves into large cinema chairs.

Then, as Bill Murray says in a movie I much admire, "Depression set in".

A shot of wind sweeping over a field and a lot of sky while an old-timey fiddle plays. Ouu, artsy. Nice.

Robert Ford, Casey Affleck, is thoroughly obsessed with Jesse James. Jesse James on the other hand is thoroughly creeped out by Affleck. As he should be, Casey Affleck is as creepy as his brother is unable to act. We keep staring at Robert Ford hoping he will becoming less Skeletor-like, but in vain, as the next 3 hours will prove to us.

A shot of fast moving clouds over snowy plains. Artsy. Myea its still kind of pretty.

The narrator tells us about Jesse's past and present life. After a 30 minute voice over we feel like we are being read to. We double check to see this is actually a Hollywood movie, and not some audio book we've been tricked into watching.

Lots and LOTS of sky and 19th century trees. So, wait, they live around lots of nature? Is that it?

Large drama enfolds around one killing, outraging the main characters for two hours. 119 of those minutes spent filming Affleck's nostrils, his hurt look and listening to his garbled broken voice.

The narrator literally describes Affleck walking into a room, lying down on a bed, scratching his ribs, falling asleep, waking up, eating breakfast, playing with his oats, etc.................

sky, grass, epic-ness. *Cries tears of desperation*

Finally Brad Pitt dies, after showing us how masterfully he can play the crazy man. Fight Club, Snatch, etc. Then Affleck attempts the same madness, but instead has fully accomplished driving the viewer mad, by dragging the movie on for those painfully slow last 30 minutes.

I don't know why I didn't just leave, I guess so that I could warn fragile movie goers like you lot not to ever watch it, EVER. Unless you are in the mood to feel nauseous.

Must. Try. To blend in to a movie pretending to be artsy. Oh wait...