Dragon War

(2007) *

D-War was a mess. About the only positive thing I can say about this film is that I felt totally relaxed about having to pee in the middle of it. When I came back, one of the two tepidly talented, good looking but sadly uncharismatic leads had been thrown into a mental hospital. Somehow, I knew without asking that the reasons for her incarceration just didn’t matter one whit, and I had missed nothing. The movie has great special effects and the dragons look awesome, but that just isn’t enough to make up for the fact the plot makes little sense. There’s a good dragon and a bad dragon, and this dude has to sacrifice a chick, but to the good dragon, you see, not the bad dragon. The history of the dragons’ existence comes to us via a flashback within a flashback—really, it’s almost like a Simpsons parody—that is full of confusing Korean words. At several points during the flashback sequences, one character or another complains, “I don’t understand!” And neither did anyone in the audience.

We saw this flick in a dingy little theater in a sketchy area of Van Nuys. It reminded me of theaters of old and came complete with a “Starcade,” where I soundly beat Octo’s ass at air hockey but then absolutely embarrassed myself on Dance Dance Revolution. And we got this awesome picture taken.