Cavalcade of Whimsy

A few days ago Catfreeek posted this batch of Brilliantly Sarcastic Responses to Completely Well-meaning Signs. Not only was it hilarious, but each other funny list linked to at the bottom of the post was hilarious too. I haven't closed the tabs for days so I can re-read and chuckle. So I'm presenting them here.


Here's Unintentionally Sexual Church Signs, also posted by Cat. It's possible that these are the work of pranksters instead of ignorance, but it really doesn't matter.


Brilliantly Pointless Street Fliers


Clicking here gets you What Office Complaints Look Like When You Have The World's Most Brillaintly Obnoxious Co-worker, and right here is a follow-up email exchange about the "Photoshopping Justin Beiber's Face onto All of My Pictures" incident (along with the rest of the pictures). Very possible this one is all made up, but again, it doesn't matter.


Products with Unintentionally Offensive Sticker Placements


Most Absurd Warnings and Product Disclaimers

Thanks Catfreeek! Excellent stuff.

Secret Oranges

Aunt May's first ever panel and she's hideously stooped with age!

I was writing a comment on Jordan's post below and it was going so long I deciced to make a new post and park Jordan's underneath it. Because while reading Spidey's origins I suddenly recalled a key element in my dislike of origin stories, and here it is:

I never read any of this crap!

Let me explain:

First, I don't actually think it's crap; I just couldn't resist the obnoxious poetry of that statement.

Second, I got into comics in 1985, when the "oh my gosh comics can be sophisticated" trend was only a few years in. My comics mentor Sherm leant me back issues of Alan Moore's run on Swamp Thing, Chris Claremont's run on X-Men (both of which were still going at that point), Frank Miller's run on Daredevil, and Steve Englehart's run on Detective Comics (in which the Joker was first transformed from a goofy clown to the homicidal maniac we love today). This was after I cut my teeth on Howard Chaykin's American Flagg, which has faded into obscurity but was totally awesome. So I was right there for Watchmen and The Dark Knight Returns in 1986 and everything that followed.

But prior to that? Everything from the mainstream that had decades of backstory going back to the 60's or 30's? To me at age 16, that was the goofy crap that I had no desire to read.

When I was a kid it was all about dinosaurs and monster movies and Star Wars and Thunderbirds and Space: 1999. My experience with comics was a couple fat books we got from the library (about Superman, Batman and the DC Captain Marvel), and three comic books bought for me for various airplane flights: an issue of The Defenders, an issue of House of Mystery, and another one that was Marvel and cosmic-y, maybe Captain Marvel.

Aside from reading Jon Byrne's run on Fantastic Four I've never really gone back to read anything else regarded as classics, especially in the Marvel Universe. It's possible I've actually never read the Spider-Man origin that Jordan just posted (I know I've read his story, but the art seems unfamiliar to me, so I probably read a recap). The bulk of the work done by Stan Lee, Neal Adams, Jack Kirby, Walt Simonson (to name a few) is stuff I've never seen.

I've got no love for the Planet of the Apes franchise for the same reason: no experience of it in a certain key age window. I respect the magic that Jordan's talking about and I understand that everything I do like about comics is built on it -- and most importantly I do enjoy reading it, but I can't divest myself from a level of detachment from the material. I can't give it a pass because of its age.

Anyway, that's my own self-indulgent perspective. It's an amusing reversal of the way my tastes and Jordan's typically fall. Usually it's Jordan who prefers his action/sci-fi/etc have an armature of sophistication (e.g. Alien), while I often champion the sillier stuff (e.g. Sucker Punch, not that I'm inviting a fight between those two movies). This probably explains why we fall on different sides in our opinion of the debut years of Image Comics.

As for Spidey's original origin story, which I recommend everyone read, I will admit there's more sophistication there than I tend to give it credit for. There's even better justification for my least favorite part of the story, the part where the thief who Peter allows to escape is the same guy who kills Uncle Ben.

Like any respectable nerd who lands on top, Peter was turning into a dick after being on TV. I don't think I ever knew that pre-crimefighter Spidey had TV and newspaper coverage. I mean, yes, it's ridiculous that he would "play to a packed house" and "win a showbiz award" and never once take off his mask, make any money, or sign anything that would make him accountable when he quit, but whatever. He has to go from dick to hero and all the better if he's really turning into a dick, right?

But... ack. I still can't get around the Same Mugger business. It's a plot point worthy of an ABC After School Special.

The Amazing Spider-Man

So here's the thing. There are differences of opinion about origin stories; about silver age comic books; about certain comic book artists and movie directors; about cynical franchise trends. These differences of opinion occasionally surface here on Horrorthon. But I submit to you: Amazing Fantasy # 15, August 1962, 12 cents. The Amazing Spider-Man. It's only twelve pages long. And Steve Ditko can't draw; he is to a picture what Lou Reed is to a song. But it's pure magic and the immediate reactions it got (in measurable sales terms) showed that Marvel was on to something. The Amazing Spider-Man, a story in twelve pages that I think you could hang on a gallery wall:

http://www.jordanorlando.com/amazingfantasy15

‘Star Wars’ Blu-ray Controversy: Has George Lucas Made Two Terrible Audio Alterations to the Original Trilogy?

From slashfilm, There is more possible ‘Star Wars alteration’ controversy today. The word going around on TheForce.net and other message boards is that review copies of the Star Wars blu-ray set have trickled out, and two of the supposed changes to the original trilogy are being highlighted. While the digital Yoda in The Phantom Menace is a much broader change, these two alterations — if true — will be far more irritating.

The two big tweaks reported are changes to audio, one in the original Star Wars and the other in Return of the Jedi. The latter is the big one, as two instances of Darth Vader saying and screaming ‘Nooo!’ have reportedly been added to the scene where (spoiler!) Vader throws the Emperor to his doom. The idea would seemingly be to establish some thin and wholly silly symmetry between the versions of Vader at the end of each Star Wars trilogy. Check out the two audio changes below. Prepare to cringe. Again: the veracity of these clips remains in doubt. There is a troll at work here; we just don’t know yet if it is George Lucas, or some anonymous prankster.

Better Than Looking at Jar Jar All Day

Unintentionally sexual church signs, see the rest here.

Even the Jar Jar action figure annoys me

(via yakface)

Will the next James Bond Movie be called Carte Blanche?

From denofgeek, It’s a story that’s worth treating with a healthy bit of caution, but it’s an interesting story, nevertheless. Bleeding Cool have picked up a report originally posed on a Serbian website, Blic Online, which suggests that the 23rd Bond movie may be based on the novel Carte Blanche by Jeffery Deaver.

The source for this story is a Serbian cellist, Jelena Mihailovic, who’s reportedly been hired to write the score for the next 007 movie, following an impressive performance at the Cannes film festival. While the news story on Blic focuses on the news that Mihailovic will join the likes of Paul McCartney and Madonna in the a 007 musician hall of fame, it only makes a casual mention of Carte Blanche.

As Bleeding Cool point out, it’s possible that Mihailovic may have blurted out the name of the movie by mistake, having momentarily forgotten that it hasn’t been formally announced yet. And given that Carte Blanche is the title of the latest Bond novel officially commissioned by Fleming’s rights holders, it makes sense, we suppose, that it be the basis of the movie – and its contemporary setting would fit well with the tone of the previous Bond films.

Until we get an official confirmation, though, we’ll have to approach this one as an interesting rumour. More Bond 23 news as we get it.

The Skin I Live In

(via slashfilm)Ever since his wife was burned in a car crash, Dr. Robert Ledgard, an eminent plastic surgeon, has been interested in creating a new skin with which he could have saved her. After twelve years, he manages to cultivate a skin that is a real shield against every assault. In addition to years of study and experimentation, Robert needed three more things: no scruples, an accomplice and a human guinea pig. Scruples were never a problem. Marilia, the woman who looked after him from the day he was born, is his most faithful accomplice. And as for the human guinea pig…

Smart Ass Responses

These are great, made me laugh. See the rest here.

Cat's Trapped!

Stay safe my little beetle. I parked her across the street because of my neighbors rotten old tree.

My power is up but phone line is down. No way out!

Can't go this way either. Thanks Irene, you big bitch!

Bye bye swimming pool, found this walking the neighborhood.

A crowd of beer drinking wanderers came strolling through the neighborhood. Sadly, I was unable to get a picture of the guy with the mullet. He moved too quickly for me.

However I did catch the drunken idiot making moose calls through a traffic cone.

Wow! Watch this unedited sequence from Star Wars

Sinead O’Connor looks...different

What Is Doc Brown from ‘Back to the Future’ Doing in Argentina?

From slashfilm, What is Doc Brown — that is, Christopher Lloyd — advertising in this Argentinian commercial? (Or ‘Argentine.’ I’m never certain which is correct.) The spot features Doc appearing in the Back to the Future DeLorean, which promptly crashes into Garbarino, an electronics superstore. Is this a commercial for the store, or for the phone that Doc seems to be reaching for right at the end? Probably the former, but if you just want to see Lloyd back in character and driving the DeLorean, it probably doesn’t matter.

Bad Puppet Yoda replaced with CGI in Blu-Ray Phantom Menace (the movie that no one will actually watch)

Here's a clip showing the new version of Yoda. Even though it's only 29 seconds long it put me in a bad mood to see young Anakin again.

Carrie Fisher reveals 50 pound weight loss

Over the past nine months, actress Carrie Fisher has lost 50 pounds, and she’s showing off her slimmer silhouette, reports People.

The Jenny Craig spokeswoman appeared on Wednesday’s “Today” show and spoke about her weight loss journey.

The former “Star Wars” actress, 54, showed off her new bod for "Today" host Ann Curry, who exclaimed, "Holy cow!”

Curry joked, “Where’s the rest of you?” To which Fisher quipped, "I don't want to know, because then I'd have to go get it.”

On what life was like 50 pounds heavier, Fisher says she "couldn't leave the house [to go shopping], because they didn't have sizes [large enough]...I exhausted the alphabet on bra sizes."

The actress and author added that she relied on her Jenny Craig consultant, who functioned as someone "to complain to, stamp my fat foot and say I didn't want to do it." Of the plan’s food, the actress/author says she enjoyed eating cereal, because "it tastes like contraband."

Fisher’s slim and trim again, but no word on if she’ll slip back into her Princess Leia metal bikini.

X-Men: First Class deleted scene

From toplessrobot, Remember the hilariously homoerotic scene in X-Men: First Class -- don't worry, I'm going to narrow it down -- when Professor X and Magneto go to the strip club to recruit Angel in the sleaziest way possible? Well, it was actually sleazier than we knew -- EW has a video of the scene where Charles uses his mnetal powers to make it appear as if Erik is wearing a wig, dress and heels. Of course, EW isn't sharing the video, so I had to make do with a brief, fuzzy version of the clip from some kind of Japanese promo someone kindly uploaded to YouTube. If you want to see the real scene head here, and please tell EW they're assholes.

While I'm sure there's a certain number of ladies and gay men excited to see Michael Fassbender in drag, I'm much more impressed with Professor X. Every time I think he can't possibly be a bigger dick, he pops an Extenze and grows another inch.

Super Caption Wednesday!!!

Allllllrighty, folks - here we go. Can't wait to see what Mary's up to this week! I also threw in a slight little curveball at the end, as you'll see...

Mary Worth



The Phantom



Momma



Mark Trail



Demotivational Poster



I threw in the last one to shake things up a little. You've all seen these "Motivational" posters - a single word or phrase like "Leadership," with a longer phrase just below it to enhance the picture's message. Of all the "demotivational" parodies out there, one of my favorites has always been "FAILURE - When your best just isn't good enough." (Usually the picture is of a skier horribly wiping out, or a runner coming in second, etc.) I figured, as long as we're captioning stuff, let's see if we can demotivate ourselves as well.

Happy captioning, everybody!!!

Major "James Bond 23" Action Scene Revealed

From worstpreviews, The Times of India is reporting that "James Bond 23" will film in India and has revealed a major action scene that is being planned to be shot in the country.
MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD

Hollywood's Turned Hellraiser Into Doucheraiser

From toplesstrobot, everyone who's ever enjoyed the works of Clive Barker in general or the Hellraiser movies in particular -- my apologies. Because in no way did you deserve Hellraiser: Revelations, the new movie that has turned the once proud franchise into the latest made-for-teen horror knock-off. Lessee... cast entirely with young douchebags? Check. A needless Blair Witch/Cloverfield shaky cam motif? Check. No sense of actual horror whatsoever? Check and check. Christ, even the new Pinhead looks like he's covered in Axe Body Spray, which is wrong it's actually horrifying. So in that sense... yay?

The Expendables 2 casting update

From denofgeek, Jet Li won’t be in the sequel to The Expendables, we understand. So who’s going to be replacing him?
Published on Aug 24, 2011

Production starts in October on the The Expendables 2, the sequel to the Sylvester Stallone-directed coming together of lots of big action stars in one movie. You might remember we talked about it a lot at the time.

The sequel is following a similar theme, although Stallone has dropped out of directing this one, concentrating on script duties instead. Simon West will be helming the film, and if he can capture half of the majesty of his immortal action flick, Con Air, then there’ll be an awful lot to look forward to.

He’ll have to do without one of the three main stars of the first film, though, as Jet Li won’t be returning for The Expendables 2, it seems. But in his place? It might just by Donnie Yen.

Over at Twitch Film, the site is reporting that Yen has been offered a role in the film by producer Avi Lerner. Yen, at this stage, appears non-committal on the project, with the IP Man star set to choose between a couple of different offers, it seems. A decision should be forthcoming soon, though, and we expect the rest of the cast to fall into place quickly.

Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Jean Claude Van Damme and Chuck Norris are amongst the names expected to feature in the movie this time around. And The Expendables 2 is set for release next August.

Superman Will Not Have Red Shorts In Man Of Steel, New Set Photos Show Off Faora's Costume

From cinemablend, Since the first official image of Superman in Zack Snyder's Man of Steel was released online, there has been a great deal of controversy surrounding one particular area of the suit. Because the picture is so dark, it's impossible to tell if Supes if wearing his traditional red shorts, which have been a part of the get-up since 1938, or matching the look of the new costume from the DC reboot. Now new pictures from the set of Man of Steel have answered that question:

Found on the unofficial Facebook page via Coming Soon, that picture confirms that Superman (played by Henry Cavill) will not be rocking his underwear on the outside in the new film. But that's not the only goody the picture provides. The woman in the black costume on the right is Faora, General Zod's sidekick, played by Antje Traue. Unlike Zod, who seems to be rocking a CGI suit for the movie, Faora's outfit will apparently be practical. Check out the front of her costume below:

The ‘Star Wars’ Films Have Been Changed Again On Blu-ray

From slashfilm [excerpt], First up, the frame size on The Phantom Menace will be more complete than it was on previous releases. Meaning, where on your DVD you might not be able to see a character on the right of the frame, now you will. This is because transfer technology in 1999 wasn’t as good as it is now so, in 2011, they can transfer a more complete image. Plus, the images will be cleaned up, so no subtle ghosting around certain objects.

As for the original trilogy, many things that were wrong with the 2004 DVDs have been updated. Color timing is no longer an issue as all the lightsabers have been enhanced and made more uniform. Plus, several of the cute, quirky visual mistakes in the films have been changed. For example, you will no longer be able to see the puppeteers arm on the Wampa in Empire Strikes Back.

The audio has also been significantly improved with this release, particularly in A New Hope. Apparently there were issues with the back channels and some of the score was too low in the mix, but that’s all been corrected. In some cases, they even went back to the 1976 files to get the right sounds.

So far, that’s all positive. Cosmetic changes that, yes, might take a way from the gruff feel of the originals but, on a high end Blu-ray release, you can forgive. But that’s not all. Sit down for this one. Here’s a quote from the Digital Bits article:

Once again, George has apparently added a few new “surprises” into these films. I don’t know what they are and didn’t get to see any of them on Friday, but I was assured that there will be “new things to notice” when we watch the films. I think we can safely assume that one of them will be the new all-digital Yoda in Episode I. Way back when Episode III was released on DVD, ILM digital effects supervisor Pablo Helman confirmed to me that the puppet Yoda in Episode I was replaced with a digital version to better match his appearance in Episodes II and III. In fact, the Episode III DVD extras includes a clip of the Episode I digital Yoda. However, this Blu-ray set is really the first opportunity we’ll have to see it in full. What the other changes to these films may be, I have no idea, but I suspect there will be no lack of blog posts on this very subject within hours of the first discs becoming available to fans.

Caption Results!

Octopunk takes Archie.

Panel 1

Archie: Jugbrain, if you want more product you need to get me my fucking MONEY, man.

Jughead: Archie, you gotta help me, man! I'm gonna get sick real soon! Ohhhh, man... I never wanted a hamburger as bad as this...

Panel 2

Archie: Fan out, boys, no business here! Put the word out that Jug's out of charity.

Panel 3

Jughead: Okay, fine! But if you think I can handle getting your money when you leave me jacked up like this, you're--

Panel 4

Jughead: Yeah now this is a perfect example. I have no idea is this is actually happening or not.

It fit perfectly with the pictures and I like the "fan out, boys, no business her!" line.



For me Prince Valiant was all about panel 4. Hence Catfreeek wins:


Panel 1

Narration: Aah the life of a Prince. Beautiful women to cook for you and cater to every whim.

Panel 2

Narration: Oh, those cheeky devils, adding a little love potion to the meat.

Panel 3

Narration: Everyone partakes in the enchanted meal. It won't be long before the whole group is feeling randy.

Panel 4

Narration: Prince Valiant explains to the women, the proper technique for a double handjob.

Panel 5

Narration: After inspecting the women carefully, Prince Valiant takes his pick of the harem and departs to his chambers.

Finally, the orgy is in full swing. Cornelius mounts his woman for a game of chicken, while Sir Vedimir tries to impress with his best bucking bronco manuever.



Catfreeek also took Beetle Baily:

Panel 1

Sarge: "Hey Beetle, how you feeling? Can I get you anything?"

Beetle: "I sure could use a handjob."

Panel 2

*Awkward silence*

Panel 3

Beetle: "Ha! I just wanted to see the look on your face! No seriously, can you send in Miss Buxley, my balls are killing me."



Handsome Stan wins Flash Gordon:

Panel 1

Ant: "Finally, the ants of planet Arcturus will have a new planet to rule! As advance scout, I must find a landing site for our advance fleet!"

Panel 2

Ant: "What the deuce??? It seems our scientists have made a huge miscalculation of scale. How embarrassing."

Flash: "Zzzzzzzz-zzzzzzz..."

Panel 3

Ant: "All is not lost! Your picnics shall be OURS, Eathling!"

Flash: "What a great nap. Time for some potato salad!"



However this week's contest came down to a Mary Worth Showdown between Handsome Stan, who pioked up where he left off last time with Mary's dissatisfaction with the Leprosy Diner.

Panel 1

Mary: "I'm telling you, the coffee here is great! And I know there's an opening for a waitress position. If you just fill out an application - "

Greta: "But (sob) - but with parts of my face just falling off randomly...(sob)..."

Panel 2

Mary: "Dear, if I can live with a lower jawbone dropping into my bran flakes, then you can to!"

Vs. JPX

Mary: “You have to calm down, dear. It’s terrible that T-Bone left you for another woman but you’re going to be okay.”

Friend: “[sob] No man will ever love me again. I’m getting older; I have a crappy job, and two young kids. I carry too much baggage.”

Panel 2

Mary: I know, right? Isn’t it funny that I’m nearly 3 times your age and my life is just dandy while yours is kind of hopeless?”

This one made me laugh hysterically. "I know, right?" is one of those things that's not funny in person but it's just hilarious in written form. Also Mary's insensitive response the exact opposite of what you'd expect her to say. It's pretty damn perfect.

It's an extremely difficult decision but I'm going to give the edge to Handsome Stan for being the first person to advance a storyline on Caption Day. Congrats Handsome Stan!

Earthquake hits East Coast!!!

I just wanted an excuse to put his picture up. May he rest in peace.

Our stage in Brooklyn totally shook for a couple minutes. Pretty trippy.

Rumored list of deleted scenes for Star Wars Blu-Ray

EPISODE IV

Tosche Station
Old Woman on Tatooine
Aunt Beru's Blue Milk
The Search for R2-D2
Cantina Rough Cut
Stormtrooper Search
Darth Vader Widens the Search
Alternate Biggs and Luke Reunion


EPISODE V

Han and Leia: Extended Echo Base Argument
Luke's Recovery
Luke and Leia: Medical Center
Deleted Wampa Scenes
The Fate of General Veers
Yoda's Test
Hiding in the Asteroid
Alternate Han and Leia Kiss
Lobot's Capture
Leia Tends to Luke


EPISODE VI

Vader's Arrival and Reaching Out to Luke
Tatooine Sandstorm
Rebel Raid on the Bunker
Jerjerrod's Conflict
Battle of Endor: The Lost Rebels

[JPX] There is also a list of deleted scenes for the new trilogy if you care. Go here to see the full list.

The flops of 2011 (so far)

From denofgeek, This was supposed to be a pivotal film for Warner Bros. Aware that its DC brand was reliant on Batman and Superman movies to keep it bubbling, the plan was to bring in another big-budget superhero film, and potentially build up to a full Justice League movie, like Marvel’s The Avengers. The problem? Green Lantern just didn’t measure up.

The warning signs were illuminated when Warner Bros agreed to stump up $9m for extra effects work perilously close to the film’s release date. A massive marketing spend, meanwhile, helped the film to a decent $53m opening weekend in America. But from then on, rotten word of mouth strangled the film. It found its way to $115m in the US in the end, but the real damage was done at the worldwide box office.

In a year where films such as Harry Potter 7b and Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 have seen 70-80% of their takings comes from outside the States, Green Lantern bombed. Its non-US haul to date is just $61m. Potter stands at $857m, while Pirates has grabbed $798m of non-US business. Even Hollywood comedies, traditionally poor travellers, have been working in non-US markets. Green Lantern, in spite of that massive marketing roll-out, simply failed to do so.

Warner Bros is bullish, insisting that a sequel is still planned. It will be replacing director Martin Campbell, but it’ll also be patently aware that the underperformance of Green Lantern might just have iced those Justice League plans for a few more years yet. Perhaps that’s why Warner Bros is rumoured to be focusing on a Batman-Superman movie instead…

See them all here

I can't believe that I'm saying this but the Ghost Rider sequel looks like fun

Happy Birthday JPX!

Our Godfather of Bloggery is turning XX today, the old bastard. Fortunately DCD just reminded me and asked after damaging photos, unfortunately I'm using this one instead, which is only damaging because association with me has been known to rattle the sturdiest of reputations.

Caught this during our way-too-brief trip back East two weeks ago.

Where's Wall-E?

From Geekologie: Every robot ever made (but not really, but close)

Check out the big version here.

Captions!

Good luck with this one...

Archie's Gag Bag



Prince Valiant



Flash Gordon



Mary Worth



Beatle Bailey

Here’s Captain America’s New Costume in Broad Daylight, Of Course

From thesuperficial, I don’t know what the hell is going on this summer, but apparently every single movie is shooting directly in front of the paparazzi because now here’s Chris Evans in his new Captain America costume on the Cleveland set of The Avengers. I say new because for those of you who have sex with women, Cap’s – us dorks call him Cap – mythology involves him being frozen in the Arctic where he’s eventually thawed out in the present day and continues to battle tyranny and, I dunno, let’s say socialized medicine. That seems like a modern twist portions of America can get behind.

Lazy bastard, Leonard Nimoy retiring for good in October

From denofgeek, This time, it looks like it's definite: Leonard Nimoy is officially retiring, at the age of 80..

For those who have been following the recent work of Leonard Nimoy, what we’re about to talk about won’t be much of a surprise. But it seems that the great man is finally retiring for good this coming October.

Nimoy has threatened retirement a lot in recent times, but he’s been lured back to acting in particular by his role in JJ Abrams’ Star Trek big screen reboot (which he won't be appearing in the sequel to), and a plum part in Fringe. However, at 80 years old, it looks like Nimoy has decided enough is enough this time.

He’s been talking on his Twitter feed about his last events, and the Star Trek convention taking place in Chicago this October will be it. Nimoy isn’t just retiring from acting this time, he’s retiring from the convention circuit too, of which he’s been a fervent supporter.

It’ll bring the curtain down on an incredible career, with his iconic role of Spock spanning nearly five decades of his life, in one form or another. Of course, there’s far more to Nimoy than that (lest we forget, he’s directed a few hit movies in his time, too), and we can but wish him a long and happy retirement. You can’t say he hasn’t earned it.