Jughead Jones Digest cover (courtesy of Johnny Sweatpants' private collection)
Mary Worth
The Family Circus
Captain Easy
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Malevolent
2018 ***1/2 It's 1986 for some reason, and a team of paranormal investigators are making a big name for themselves all over Scotland. ...
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I’m sure none of you except for JPX knows that I’m a bit of a germ-a-phobic. It’s annoying, but manageable. Though, since I met JPX and list...
26 comments:
Jughead
Betty: "Archie, I'm really looking forward to our date tonight!"
Archie: "Hey Jug, if I play my cards right I'll be eating some 'pie' a little later"
Family Circus
"Mom, PJ's humping my leg again!"
mickey mouse
1. "hey micky, what is this strange drink?"
"why, did you try it already?"
2. "yes, it's making my head feel all nice and fuzzy!"
"it's called rohypnol, and you're gonna wake up tomorrow with a sore pooper! hah hah!"
Mary Worth
Panel 1
Narration: “As Mary attempts to enjoy a quiet lunch at a new diner she runs into Diane.”
Diane: “[gag], I have to get out of here!”
Mary: “Diane, wait…”
Panel 2
Mary: [thinking] I guess she hasn’t forgiven me for sleeping with her 18-year old son…or maybe it’s because I just farted.
Captain Easy
Narration: [Surrounded by 100 savages Captain Easy realizes too late that it was foolish to steal the idol and attempt to hide in a tree]
Narration: [Why had he done it? Greed? For the thrill of the hunt? Whatever the reason, Captain Easy must come up with a plan quickly before the primitives begin performing their famous ‘alligator dance of death’]
Narration: [Too late! King Abu-Wabbi grabs his alligator and signals for the dance to begin]
Captain Easy: “Oh for God’s sake, and mine, take back your stupid idol! Only savages would worship a statue!”
Narration: [The statue nearly strikes King Abu-Wabbi forcing him to drop his alligator and thus stopping the dance of death, which saves Captain Easy’s life in the process.
Statue: “What a rush! That was totally fun! Again, again!”
Narration: [With the dance of death averted Captain Easy can once again rest “easy”]
Family Circus
"Mom, PJ got into your 'special' pills again"
Mary Worth
Panel 1
Narration: Upon hearing the news of her husband’s death Nancy fled the diner in tears.
“I cannot live in a world without Merrill! I’m going to jump off the bridge!”
“Nancy, don’t!”
Panel 2
“I can’t believe the bitch ditched me with the check.”
Family Circus
“Who are you..? What have you done with Jeffy..? Why are you holding that meat cleaver? I’m scared!”
Mary Worth
Panel 1
Narration: "NEVERTHELESS, LATER"
Waitress: "YOU SMELL TERRIBLE"
Mary: "FUCK YOU"
Panel 2
Mary (thinks): "FUCKING BITCH!"
http://www.jordanorlando.com/maryworth.jpg
Mickey Mouse
Panel 1
Mickey: "Come on! Hand it over!"
Goofy: "Drink this immediately!"
Panel 2
Goofy: "This stuff will kill you so fast, you'll be dead before you hit the ground!"
Panel 3: "Finally, my trembling hands will be still!"
Mickey Mouse
Panel 1
"Hey Goofy, what's that you got there?"
"Huhuh, not sure but I found it in Donald's medicine chest."
Panel 2
"I drank half a bottle and woke up in the middle of the Warner Brother's set, naked and wallowing in shit and puke."
Panel 3
"That sounds like a blast! Hand it over buddy."
Mary Worth
Panel 1
"Oh man, that old bag smells like rotten clams."
"Waitress? How rude!"
Panel 2
"Hmmm...I have that 'not so fresh' feeling again."
Family Circus
"For fuck's sake Mom, for the last time, tell PJ to stop grabbing my ass before I ram this train track down his throat!"
Family Circus
"No, PJ! It's 'BRAINS! BRAAAAAAAINS!!'"
Mickey Mouse
Panel 1
Mickey: Hiya Goofy! Watcha got there?
Goofy: Hyuck! It's brain tonic, Mickey!
Panel 2
Goofy: According to the doc, just a spoonful and you get five times as smart! Gawsh!
Panel 3
Mickey: Well you better drink it all, you dumb fuck!
Mickey Mouse
Panel 1
“Oh boy! Is that whiskey?”
“It sure is! It should mess us up but good!”
Panel 2
“I got paid today and stopped by the liquor store on the way home!”
Panel 3
"Let's get loaded and beat up some gays and minorities!"
Captain Easy
Panel 1
Narration: Stuck in a tree, the good captain realizes that escaping the jungle with the golden head of Wababbi isn't as "easy" a task as he originally thought.
Panel 2
Meanwhile King Boobabbi performs his infamous alligator dance while farting angrily and repeatedly.
For reasons unknown he's sporting ballerina slippers.
Panel 3
"Ew! I can see your balls! Fine, take your stupid golden head! I don't want it anymore!"
Panel 4
Captain Easy hurls the head in utter disgust.
Panel 5
"Hooray! We have retrieved our sacred treasure!!"
14 hours later Captain Easy descends the tree. The natives promptly kill and eat him.
Captain Easy
Narration: One again Captain Easy finds himself in quite a pickle.
Narration:After recovering the coveted head of Debbie the Bloop from the cannabalistic Oogawassi tribe, he's treed, with no visible means of escape.
Narration: Attempting to intimidate the captain, Cheif Oona Wussu drapes himself with a skirt of colorful cotton candy and begins doing the lambada.
His alligator dance partner seems unimpressed.
Captain Easy: "For the love of God, enough already. Take your fucking head! I hope you choke on it!"
Narration: Debbie's head is hurled downward, striking the alligator, rendering it unconscious.
Cheif Oona Wassu: "Bloop! Bloop! Bloop! Bloop!"
Narration: Captain Easy slips away after dark, he's forever haunted by the lure of the forbidden dance.
Captain Easy
Panel 1
Narration: By the first scene of Act Five, during the once-respectful reminiscences of Yorick, this production had cemented its position as the very worst production of Hamlet this reviewer has ever seen.
Panel 2
Narration (side panel): The buffoon playing Horatio had completely lost the cultural and historical tone meant to be set by his traditional costume. Instead he jumped around screaming about "The Mighty Alligator Ninja" as he shook the hapless creature by the throat.
Narration (white on black panel) (Incidentally, I am convinced the poor beast had been dead since Act Two)
Panel 3
Captain Easy: Alas poor Yorick, I knew him KICK YOUR ASS!!
Panel 4
Narration: Any impact the scene may have had was destroyed by the loud slide-whistle noise marking Yorick's descent
Panel 5
Narration: Oh yes, and they put a speaker inside Yorick's "skull." At this point, why not?
Yorick: DAY! DAYeeeeOOO! Daylight come and me wanna goo hoOOME!
Family Circus
"Mom! Look look I found in PJ's ass!"
Mickey mouse
Goofy-"Hey Mickey! Here's the juice you need for your problems with Minnie!"
Mickey"Thats great Goofy!"
Goofy-"Hmmm, maybe I can use this on Minne..."
Mickey-"Wait, what??"
Jughead Jones
"This new fusion oven is totally amazing. I put a pile of dog shit in there and it comes out as a pizza. Of course it still tastes like shit, but Jughead doesn't seem to mind."
"Well now, that explains why he was so interested in Hotdog's massive shit pile."
Mickey Mouse
Panel 1
Mickey - "Well, it's about time, Goofy! The chloroform is starting to wear off! Both Pluto and Minnie are coming to! Hah hah!"
Goofy: "Aw shucks, Mickey - I cam as fast as I could!"
Panel 2
Goofy - "There ain't nothin' better than pure distilled liquid peyote when you want to have crazy female mouse-dog sex!"
Panel 3
Mickey - "It's gonna be great, hah hah! I'm gonna do her from behind like this..."
Jughead Jones
Betty - "Do you think we should take Veronica out of the sex chair over there?"
Archie - "You know the drill. After he finishes the burgers, it's orgy time!"
Mary Worth
Panel 1
Narration - Meanwhile, back at the Leprosy Diner...
Waitress: "Oh god! I'm sorry! My nose is falling off again!"
Mary - "!"
Panel 2
Mary - "Why do I keep coming here?"
Family Circus
"Mom! PJ's having bacon withdrawal again!"
Mickey Mouse
Panel 1
Goofy: “D’uh, hi-ya, Mickey, howzit going?”
Mickey: “There it is I’ve been looking all over for that!”
Panel 2
Goofy: “What, this green bottle I found next to your bed? I don’t know what’s inside but it’s de-lish-o-riffic!”
Panel 3
Mickey: “Silly, Goofy, that’s my piss jug!”
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