The Wicker Man

(2006) **

Well as expected, the Wicker Man remake did not measure up. Though their heart may have been in the right place (this is debatable), they completely missed the mark in capturing what exactly made the original so special. And what might that be? The feeling of being lost in a faraway (in both distance and time) land where things are just not quite right. The incredible imagination and painstaking lengths they took to make the island of Summerisle convincing. The strange pagan costumes and unique music. Christopher Fucking Lee. The original Wicker Man was clearly a labor of love and pure vision.

The remake did not comprehend this so it was forced to imitate. Changing the location to Washington state was a foolish choice but I can let that one go. It was a bold move to turn the island folk into a feminist colony but they never explored the implications of this. In fact, they kind of avoided making any kind of statement. Most irritating was Willow, mother of the missing girl as well as love interest to Nick Cage. We were never given a chance to know her or understand what Cage sees in her. Her only expression was a look of bewilderment and worry. This gets old very fast and by the end, you'll grow weary of her big stupid eyes.

I'm not going to dignify this movie by picking it apart further. I was afraid that this would be so bad that it would ruin the original but that was a pointless concern. The original is incapable of being ruined. Lindsey Lohan couldn't ruin it. So I was able to enjoy this one for what it was. I've sat through Halloween Resurrection, Curse of the Werewolf and a slew of piss-poor Vincent Price offerings. The Wicker Man '06 is much more enjoyable than those. But not enjoyable enough to ever be mentioned by me again.