Archie's Gag Bag
Prince Valiant
Flash Gordon
Mary Worth
Beatle Bailey
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Salem's Lot 1979 and Salem's Lot 2024
Happy Halloween everybody! Julie's working late and the boy doesn't have school tomorrow so he's heading to one of those crazy f...
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(2007) * First of all let me say that as far as I could tell there are absolutely no dead teenagers in this entire film. Every year just ...
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Flash Gordon
Panel 1
Ant: “Flash, I know you consider me to be merely a lowly ant but really this is so degrading!”
Ant: “Sigh. Analyzing…”
Panel 2
Flash: “I hope you can figure out my foot problem.”
Ant: “Let me just get a closer look…Hmmm…Gak! Oh yuck!
Panel 3
Ant: “You idiot, you stepped in dog shit again!”
Flash: “I can’t understand a word you’re saying, I don’t speak ‘ant’. Also your voice is really tiny and quiet.”
Mary Worth
Panel 1
Mary: “You have to calm down, dear. It’s terrible that T-Bone left you for another woman but you’re going to be okay.”
Friend: “[sob] No man will ever love me again. I’m getting older; I have a crappy job, and two young kids. I carry too much baggage.”
Panel 2
Mary: I know, right? Isn’t it funny that I’m nearly 3 times your age and my life is just dandy while yours is kind of hopeless?”
Beetle Bailey
Panel 1
Sarge: “Well, now, I heard you got pretty twisted up in the accident but you seem fine!”
Beetle: “They have me on some heavy medication.”
Panel 2
[awkward silence]
Panel 3
Beetle: “You do realize that this lump under the blankets is my ass, right?”
Beatle Bailey
Panel 1
Sarge: "You were shot six times and you're bleeding to death. Why on earth are you smiling?"
Beatle: "Because I just farted!"
Panel 2
...
Panel 3
Beatle: "I'm really gonna die, aren't I?"
Flash Gordon
Panel 1
Ant: "Christ! What is that awful smell?"
"It's like dirty laundry and limburger cheese!"
Panel 2
Ant: "Oh my God! Flash is naked sunbathing again, it reeks of foot fungus and ball sweat! *Gag*"
Flash: "Aah, there's nothing like the feeling of a cool breeze rustling your pubes."
Panel 3
Ant: "Dude, have you ever heard of soap?"
Flash: "Aw, look at the little fella watching me, he must be envious of my impressive manhood."
Archie
Panel 1
Archie: "What's the matter, Jug, what's with the waterworks?"
Jughead: "[sniff] I lost my Komodo Dragon! She was just a baby."
Panel 2
Archie: "Don't worry, pal, I'll get the word out to the gang!"
Panel 3
Jughead: "Never mind, Arch, I found her!"
Panel 4
Jughead: "Ha, look at that, she killed Grundy".
Where the heck is everyone?
Mary Worth
Panel 1
Mary: "I'm telling you, the coffee here is great! And I know there's an opening for a waitress position. If you just fill out an application - "
Greta: "But (sob) - but with parts of my face just falling off randomly...(sob)..."
Panel 2
Mary: "Dear, if I can live with a lower jawbone dropping into my bran flakes, then you can to!"
Flash Gordon
Panel 1
Ant: "Finally, the ants of planet Arcturus will have a new planet to rule! As advance scout, I must find a landing site for our advance fleet!"
Panel 2
Ant: "What the deuce??? It seems our scientists have made a huge miscalculation of scale. How embarrassing."
Flash: "Zzzzzzzz-zzzzzzz..."
Panel 3
Ant: "All is not lost! Your picnics shall be OURS, Eathling!"
Flash: "What a great nap. Time for some potato salad!"
Flash Gordon
Panel 1
Ant: "The time has come for humans to peacefully coexist with ants."
Ant: "We are peaceful insects. We have existed for 130 million years and never hurt nobody."
Panel 2
Ant: "Except for fire ants, but they're dicks so feel free to exterminate them."
Flash: "You... you can talk?"
Panel 3
Ant: "Yes. And if you've been paying attention, we also display division of labour, communication between individuals, and an ability to solve complex problems."
Flash: "That's amazing! I'm still gonna step on you though. I just like hearing that crunch sound."
Mary Worth
Panel 1
Mary: "Thanks for coming to meet me, Shandi. I wanted to apologize to you face to face. I hope we can move on."
Shandi: "But... I thought you were my friend! How could you do this to me?"
Panel 2
Mary: "We are friends, sugar. But I was drunk too and the temptation to tattoo a penis on your nose was just too much to resist!"
Beetle Baily
Panel 1
Sarge: "Hey Beetle, how you feeling? Can I get you anything?"
Beetle: "I sure could use a handjob."
Panel 2
*Awkward silence*
Panel 3
Beetle: "Ha! I just wanted to see the look on your face! No seriously, can you send in Miss Buxley, my balls are killing me."
Mary Worth
Panel 1
Mary: "Now, now dear, I know it seems like the end of the world right now. In a year or so you'll be all settled in and you won't even remember feeling this way."
June: "But Aunt Mary, arranged marriages went out in the dark ages! How can you do this to me? Boohoohoohoooooo..."
Panel 2
Mary: "Suck it up June bug, Frank the butcher may have warts and a hairy back, but he's also got a bankroll the size of Texas. It's about time you take one for the team."
Archie
Panel 1
Archie: "Calm down Jughead, just tell us what happened. I'm sure we can help."
Jughead: "D-d-d-d-dead! Mr. Funkmeister is d-d-d-dead! I killed him! He flunked me and I flipped out, now I'm gonna s-sp-spend the rest of my life getting ass raped by some big hairy guy in j-j-j-jail! Waaaaahhh!!"
Panel 2
Archie: "Alright guys, the coast is clear. Hurry up Jughead, before class lets out!"
Panel 3
Jughead: "All set Arch! I did just what you said..."
Panel 4
Jughead: "...I stuck the iguana on his penis and scattered pictures of reptile beastiality all around him. Hey, how did you get all these pictures so fast anyway?"
Prince Valiant
Panel 1
Narration: Aah the life of a Prince. Beautiful women to cook for you and cater to every whim.
Panel 2
Narration: Oh, those cheeky devils, adding a little love potion to the meat.
Panel 3
Narration: Everyone partakes in the enchanted meal. It won't be long before the whole group is feeling randy.
Panel 4
Narration: Prince Valiant explains to the women, the proper technique for a double handjob.
Panel 5
Narration: After inspecting the women carefully, Prince Valiant takes his pick of the harem and departs to his chambers.
Finally, the orgy is in full swing. Cornelius mounts his woman for a game of chicken, while Sir Vedimir tries to impress with his best bucking bronco manuever.
Flash Gordon
Panel 1
Ant in grass: At last my experiments are complete! I will take my findings to the humans and save them from the plague!
Panel 2
Ant in grass: Hey! Watch out motherfucker! Noooooo!
Flash: Dale, where are you? I've been walking around naked for twenty minutes!
Panel 3
Ant on leaf: You... you killed him. He would've saved you all.
Flash: Oh GROSS. That thing was HUGE.
Prince Valiant
Panel 1
"Well I hope your dish is working out, Lady Alice," sighed Cassandra, "this Jiffy-Pop popcorn you asked me to make won't be invented for centuries. This is actually a rock."
Panel 2
"Oh silly Cassie!" teased Lacy Alice, "I had the Chinamen bring this -- it's delicious!" Dropping to a whisper, she added "plus I just emptied this bottle of Belladonna extract into dinner. We are gonna be tripping balls"
Panel 3
Dinner was a quick affair, the company all ate quickly and loudly, to avoid the awkwardness as Lord Vane once again told a series of Werewolf jokes while Cyrus the Gray was sitting right there.
Panel 4
"Gosh!" said Prince Valiant, suddenly standing, "I just like all you fellows such a lot! Hee hee hee! Why do we never talk about this? I say, is that a rainbow? Or perhaps two?"
Panel 5
At the peak of the day, Princess Becky wanted to leave but was held back by Prince Valiant's spirited discource about how everyone in the land was "a robot, whatever that means." Meanwhile, to everone's delight, Lord Vane showed off some acrobatic tricks he'd learned from his circus days.
Moments later, Valiant would be felled as Vane's toe shattered his lowest vertabrae. As the law called for immediate execution, Vane was beheaded on the spot by Cyrus the Grey, despite the protests from Cassandra who was still riding on his shoulders. Lady Alice fell out of the tree laughing and chipped a tooth.
Mary Worth
Panel 1
Mary: Darling, cheer up. I'd say you're lucky to be getting any work at all.
Celeste: But it's horrible, Mary. I don't even know who I am anymore.
Panel 2
Mary: Well goddammit I told you not to sleep with Moy AND Giella. I fucking told you. And now you pissed off Giella and he refuses to draw your slutty face. So suck on it. Oh, sorry... you can't
Archie Gag Bag
Panel 1
Archie: Jugbrain, if you want more product you need to get me my fucking MONEY, man.
Jughead: Archie, you gotta help me, man! I'm gonna get sick real soon! Ohhhh, man... I never wanted a hamburger as bad as this...
Panel 2
Archie: Fan out, boys, no business here! Put the word out that Jug's out of charity.
Panel 3
Jughead: Okay, fine! But if you think I can handle getting your money when you leave me jacked up like this, you're--
Panel 4
Jughead: Yeah now this is a perfect example. I have no idea is this is actually happening or not.
Beetle Bailey
Panel 1
Sarge: Hey Bailey! How ya doing! I heard it was quite an accident!
Bailey: I have two giant cocks now.
Panel 2
Silence
Panel 3
Bailey: Naw, just kidding. They haven't taken the shrapnel out yet.
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