Awwwww, pets are so cute...
Until they're not....
And people are known to do ridiculous things to their pets...
I'm so embarrassed.There are some I will never, ever understand...
We're like giant rats!
Aren't I pretty? Until I escape from my cage and kill you.And no matter how "smart" someone says their pet is, I still think Gary Larson had it right.
So what say you Horrorthoners? Love 'em? Hate 'em? Seventeen syllable it up!
So what say you Horrorthoners? Love 'em? Hate 'em? Seventeen syllable it up!
103 comments:
My poor cat 'Fluffy'
Apparently I killed her
Threw her down the stairs
I was only 3
Who knows what I was thinking?
I was only 3!
What is your porn name?
Take the name of your first pet
And street you lived on
Wanna know my name?
I think it's hilarious
I'm "Fluffy Castle"
Ginger blur of cat
Folded laundry falls in wake
Yeah, you better blur
I'm "Jessie Plymouth"
I want nothing to do with
Your fluffy castle
JPX hates pets
Now we all know the real truth
He's got Fluffy guilt
But what kind of cat
Can't handle simple stair toss?
Land on feet my ass
I must please point out:
"Retardeds" and "regarded"
Still cracking me up
Flushed sick fish, not dead
He swam 'round then headed out
Seemed quite determined
her name is Pippa
a.k.a. the cat from hell
she lives in my house
Meaningless creature
A dog that fits in handbag
You are not a dog
My Dad loves his pets
Yet trapped a hundred squirrels
And drowned their asses
I've had lots of pets!
Cats, fish, even some field mice
I don't like huge dogs
I don't like large dogs
I hate when they jump on me
Smelly and hairy
"Oh, she just likes you!"
People say that when dogs jump
"Make her go away"
Fashion chihuahua
An accessory that poops
Thanks Paris Hilton
I HATE walking dogs
When it is raining outside
Stop sniffing, just shit!
here's my secret shame:
i belonged to a snake club
...and i'm still in it
snakes, african frogs,
turtles, and chameleons
some of my prized pets
My God Whirlygirl
You're just full of mystery!
I didn't know this!
Had some Sea Monkeys
I was so disappointed
Never saw the king
1982
I won the science fair prize
Drugged some mice with booze
Follow dog with bag
Grab poop with bag, throw away
Who's really in charge?
Train dog to get beer
The cat just can't be bothered
Truly Man's Best Friend
Train cat to use john
The dog just can't handle it
Who's got the edge here?
I won't pick up poop
I absolutely refuse
They don't pick up mine
A haiku redux:
YOUR dog is in MY workspace
A pet that peeves me
white lizard...so cute
poor thing, barely lived a day
death by cat litter
white lizard...so cute
mom hoping to find a cure
she froze your body
white lizard...so cute
dwelled in our freezer for years
caused lots of chaos
white lizard...so cute
I once cooked you in a stew
yuck! you're not good meat
white lizard...so cute
I thought you were a fruit bar
you tasted scaly
white lizard...so cute
my sis tried to eat you too
we kept getting fooled
white lizard...so cute
even poor dad got confused
cooked you with some eggs
white lizard...so cute
this is getting very old
put him in a grave!
white lizard...so cute
one day we lost track of you
...mom might still have you
Whirlygirl scares me
What is fact and what's fiction?
Did she eat that pet?
Our poor cat, Tyler
An odd personality
A red fox ate her
Your ku's disturb me
Murder, drownings, used for food
Pet lovers my ass!
My cats are pampered
Lie around like royalty
we're guests in THEIR house
Damn that Merlin cat
He's too smart for his own good
locked me out of house
Pandora so sweet
until she's out of her food
transforms into bitch
Lestat is my bane
follows me to every room
needy little shit
Isis is a punk
she picks fights with all the boys
she's small but mighty
Osiris is dumb
jumped into the closed window
No brain so no pain
So what's my porn name?
Not lavish like JPX
It's just "Puss Hilltop"
i used to like jeff
til i learned he killed a cat
now he's dead to me
i don't understand
the "bird as a pet" concept
life sentence plus poop
my cat likes water
she fell in the toilet once
don't think she liked it
my cat treads fiercely
while "nursing" on my neck skin
rivals Cat's FX
I was only 3!
Fluf' never saw it coming
What's AC's porn name?
Between you and me
I don’t like my girlfriend’s dog
I have my reasons
Good old Theodore
Dumbest dog to walk the Earth
Still, my favorite pet
Abby loved goose shit
She ate it like caviar
I think it killed her
Jeff hates animals
This worries me now and then
How can you trust him?
Rowan’s a good pet
Sleeps 20 hours a day
Not very needy
You don’t impress me
You all look the same to me
- Golden retrievers
You have a poodle?
That’s all that I need to know
You deserve to die
Jessie, a lady
Well-behaved pretty airedale
Joly, not so much
E.g. Joly's ears
They refused their proper shape
Poked up like rabbit's
I like animals
I just don't like huge-ass dogs
Too much freakin' work
Most dogs gross me out
What's with all the ass sniffing?
Have some self respect
JPX advice
To a grieving pet owner
"Buy another one"
Does Whirly hide snakes
When JPX comes over?
Big box of willies
If you're into snakes
You should check out my python
It's in my trousers
Need guest-mocking pet
Just laughing derisively
Hey! Salacious Crumb!
Riddle me this, friend
Why aren’t monkeys common pets?
They’re funny and smart
Snake Club gathering
Lots of hissing, no booing
Hey - try the apples
Snake Of The Month Club
30 days of sheer terror
Over and over
To JSP -
Normal pets just poop
Once you start flinging feces
Pet status revoked
Opposable thumbs
What do chimps do with this gift?
Public jerking off
I can overlook
Flinging feces if I can
Hang out with an ape
"mitch mckeever" here
no excuse for killing cats
jeff still dead to me
ever go to fairs
and win goldfish in baggies?
they seldom last long
fish are boring pets
not much personality
except piranhas
where is my mr.
aka "bosco broadway"?
he's had some GREAT pets
Promise not to laugh?
Mine’s the worst porn name ever
“Autumn Heritage”
Genitals shrivel
I picture an Amish chick
Holding a basket
I'm "bootsy sandy"
was almost "smokey sandy"
a better porn name
We had a white mouse
He ate his whole family
What drove him to it?
I could also be
Yulee Hilltop, if you please
he was our doggie
NPR story
Mail-order squirrel monkey
Ordered on the sly
Eagerly opened
Monkey attacks face, draws blood
"Oh, it's nothing Mom!"
Why no monkey pets?
ask the lady with no face
the monkey ate it
My sister and I
Our porno names are the same
Yes, that's a problem
The worst dog EVER
My friend Armpit's terrier
"Ming the Merciless"
He bit, barked and stank
He often urinated
On the kitchen floor
Well technically
I could be Snowball Hilltop
That was our bunny
Dad grew up on farm
we had lots and lots of pets
made him feel at home
If your name's Armpit
Perhaps you have low standards
Because, well... Armpit
The worst part is this:
They never cleaned the pee up
Read the next haiku
Take paper towels
Place them on the urine stain
And then leave them there
Armpit was a friend
But he was a filthy guy
Hence the name “Armpit”
"He bit, barked and stank
He often urinated
On the kitchen floor"
The dog was bad too
Industrial backyard chain
Barely contained him
Ming's human response:
"Two legs??? KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL!!!"
Ate neighborhood kids
npr story
my ass. clearly a story
about octopunk
Much revealed today
JPX, a cat killer
Whirly, snake charmer
DCD/Octo's
Dad, serial squirrel killer
no birds for AC
Stan,indecisive
and Johnny wants a monkey
Me, I just love cats
Had too many pets
can't fit them all in haiku
just too soft-hearted
Over all the years
5 gerbils, 3 bunnies, fish
4 dogs and 12 cats
Early memory
Running in the yard barefoot
Stepping in dog shit
Recent memory
Walked from car to office
Left a path of shit
If I step in shit
I don't try to save my shoes
I throw them away
Come on 50P
Tell us about all your pets
I expect some gold
Whirly's cat is bad
If I'm nice and I pet her
I sneeze all night long
Octo's dog had fleas
It was an infestation
Difficult to sleep
My sis' dog is gross
His fur is like pubic hair
His farts clear the room
My aunt had a dog
nipped ankles and humped your leg
hated that fucker
Dogs can be fun pets
until they get old and gross
smelly old burdens
Had a cat in heat
She unlocked windows and jumped
so she could get laid
Found her with male cats
like the whore of Babylon
on a clearance sale
5 kittens emerged
meowing, shitting up our house
cute but disgusting
Had a piranha
who couldn't catch his food fish
swam into tank walls
Put a craw daddy
into the tropical tank
it hunted and killed
Once had two Oscars
fish with personalities
let us hand feed them
we love cats too much
we celebrate "caturday"
every fucking week
we love cats too much
taiga eats premium food
while some humans starve
we love cats too much
spend a fortune on vet bills
can never retire
we love cats too much
vacations have lost appeal
we would miss taiga
If you have male cats
I suggest cut their balls off
or they will wander
Want to beat boredom?
Cats are so entertaining
just add some catnip
i agree with cat
most tv can't compete with
the taiga channel
Futile exercise
Topic: "Pets." Writer: "Catfreeek."
Waiting: "Handsome Week."
I Am Catfreeek
Have 17 iguanas
Plus Brontosaurus
(ghost-haiku-ing as Cat)
Giraffe poop is tough
It's all over the backyard
Long neck means long links
Stray rhinoceros
Beady eyes were just SO cute
Feeding dish issues
Duck-billed platypi
A tough doorstep rejection
New eggs for breakfast
you're losing it, stan.
"catfreeek" has two syllables.
wait for "handsome" week.
my warning's too late
where will this end, handsome stan?
an axolotl?
(...and now, from MrsX)
Wanted a dog
To fit in my purse. Matt: "NOOOOO!"
Fine. Pet rock it is.
Declaw all the cats!
"Inhumane!" say some. Well, fine.
Tell that to the couch.
Got carried away
Rushed "brontosaurus" in there
A comic failure
Bronto? No such thing
Apatosaurus found first
Oops! Same dinosaur
Science tragedy
The legit name's the worse one
Brontosaurus rules
Too late this hump day?
Start a Cats vs. Dogs fight?
The winner is Dogs
Dogs are full of love
Cats might barely notice you
Obvious, really
stan, you know i kid
i love the "stanfreeek" haikus
how 'bout a tapir?
I exaggerate
Cats are cuddly, but only
When they deign to be
Dogs just adore you
Lavish attention on you
They just can't help it
dogs ARE full of love:
slobbery, dependent, and
indiscriminate
Cats: you come please me
Dogs: I I can't WAIT to please you!!!
Me: Enough, you whores
Uhhh, dogs eat cat poop
that makes them inferior
Cats eat no ones poop
dogs need to be bathed
Cats are so independent
they keep themselves clean
Cats self entertain
While dogs need to be played with
cats are amusing
Dogs need to be walked
with hot steaming poop pick up
I'd rather scoop poop
(and yet another entry from MrsX, which is just...just great...)
my pussy is wet
dripping, soaking, yes she is
how'd she get outside?
Dogs eat the cat poop
then lavishly adore you
by licking your face
taiga just left me
a small "gift" outside her box
too late to change vote?
Stan's haiku topic?
to describe his awesomeness
with syllabic prose
AC would have me
running a Jurassic park
in my humble home
Though a great topic
I don't envy DCD
having to choose one
I once had no pets
Unless you count JSP,
Handsome and Gonga
darn tootin, catfreeek
imagine a litterbox
for stegosaurus
I BEG to differ
Stan is pet to no woman
Catfreeeek is wrong...wrong
Let's weigh it out Stan
You guys hung out, I fed you
gave you toys to play
Cleaned up after you
However, I cleaned no poop
so that means no pet?
So to be a pet
someone must clean up your poop
now that's food for thought
When we're old, we're pets
feeble cronies in a home
getting asses wiped
Highschool senior year
Bought a lizard for myself
Tiny iguana
Kale and vitamins
Gandalf the green iguana
Grew by leaps and bounds
Hot rock and heat lamp
Round-bellied lizard basking
I think he might poop
Lizard shit is gross
And it's unavoidable
But what could I do?
I trained my lizard
To crap in a litterbox
Still gross, but better
Gandalf at college
He shit on my roommate, Brad
While he was sleeping
On a warm spring day
I took Gandalf out walking
He had a red leash
A word of advice
If you want to meet girls
Don't walk your lizard
College junior year
My lizard had really grown
Over four feet long
Gandalf turned nasty
He really hated his tank
I guess I would too
The local pet shop
Agreed to adopt Gandalf
They let me visit
Time to go to bed
The cat's waiting on the stairs
he's tired and pissed
The first time I met
Mr. Ac, he showed me
His pet garden snake
I watched him feed it
He gave it a mouse to eat
Gross but hypnotic
Birds peck your eyes out
Snakes strangle you in your sleep
Fish are just stupid
When it's Cats v Dogs
It all comes down to the poop
Blah litter box blah
What I wanna know:
A box of shit IN your house
How is that a win?
A cat lives with us
Julie named him Washington
Zack calls him Gicky
I do like Gicky
But I know about the box
Mixed blessing at best
When he acts crazy
And then I get in his face
A total blank stare
You can control dogs
Because they listen to you
Important to me
Picture this: Horrorthon
House is finally asleep
I start to watch flick
Then Gicky attacks
Any object he can see
Including my feet
Annoying? You bet!
Cat thinks he's in the Matrix
Hopping off the walls
"Picture this: Horrorthon"
6 syllables!
Picture this: shut up
That better?
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