My poor cat 'Fluffy'Apparently I killed herThrew her down the stairsI was only 3Who knows what I was thinking?I was only 3!What is your porn name?Take the name of your first petAnd street you lived onWanna know my name?I think it's hilariousI'm "Fluffy Castle"
Ginger blur of catFolded laundry falls in wakeYeah, you better blur
I'm "Jessie Plymouth"I want nothing to do withYour fluffy castle
JPX hates petsNow we all know the real truthHe's got Fluffy guilt
But what kind of catCan't handle simple stair toss?Land on feet my ass
I must please point out:"Retardeds" and "regarded"Still cracking me up
Flushed sick fish, not deadHe swam 'round then headed outSeemed quite determined
her name is Pippaa.k.a. the cat from hellshe lives in my house
Meaningless creatureA dog that fits in handbagYou are not a dog
My Dad loves his petsYet trapped a hundred squirrelsAnd drowned their asses
I've had lots of pets!Cats, fish, even some field miceI don't like huge dogsI don't like large dogsI hate when they jump on meSmelly and hairy"Oh, she just likes you!"People say that when dogs jump"Make her go away"
Fashion chihuahuaAn accessory that poopsThanks Paris Hilton
I HATE walking dogsWhen it is raining outsideStop sniffing, just shit!
here's my secret shame:i belonged to a snake club...and i'm still in itsnakes, african frogs,turtles, and chameleonssome of my prized pets
My God WhirlygirlYou're just full of mystery!I didn't know this!Had some Sea MonkeysI was so disappointedNever saw the king1982I won the science fair prizeDrugged some mice with booze
Follow dog with bagGrab poop with bag, throw awayWho's really in charge?
Train dog to get beerThe cat just can't be botheredTruly Man's Best FriendTrain cat to use johnThe dog just can't handle itWho's got the edge here?
I won't pick up poopI absolutely refuseThey don't pick up mine
A haiku redux:YOUR dog is in MY workspaceA pet that peeves me
white lizard...so cutepoor thing, barely lived a day death by cat litter white lizard...so cutemom hoping to find a cureshe froze your body white lizard...so cutedwelled in our freezer for yearscaused lots of chaos white lizard...so cuteI once cooked you in a stewyuck! you're not good meat white lizard...so cuteI thought you were a fruit baryou tasted scaly white lizard...so cutemy sis tried to eat you toowe kept getting fooled white lizard...so cuteeven poor dad got confused cooked you with some eggs white lizard...so cutethis is getting very oldput him in a grave! white lizard...so cuteone day we lost track of you...mom might still have you
Whirlygirl scares meWhat is fact and what's fiction?Did she eat that pet?Our poor cat, TylerAn odd personalityA red fox ate her
Your ku's disturb meMurder, drownings, used for foodPet lovers my ass!My cats are pamperedLie around like royaltywe're guests in THEIR houseDamn that Merlin catHe's too smart for his own goodlocked me out of housePandora so sweetuntil she's out of her foodtransforms into bitchLestat is my banefollows me to every roomneedy little shitIsis is a punkshe picks fights with all the boysshe's small but mightyOsiris is dumbjumped into the closed windowNo brain so no painSo what's my porn name?Not lavish like JPXIt's just "Puss Hilltop"
i used to like jefftil i learned he killed a catnow he's dead to me
i don't understandthe "bird as a pet" conceptlife sentence plus poop
my cat likes watershe fell in the toilet oncedon't think she liked it
my cat treads fiercelywhile "nursing" on my neck skinrivals Cat's FX
I was only 3!Fluf' never saw it comingWhat's AC's porn name?
Between you and meI don’t like my girlfriend’s dogI have my reasonsGood old TheodoreDumbest dog to walk the EarthStill, my favorite pet Abby loved goose shitShe ate it like caviarI think it killed herJeff hates animalsThis worries me now and thenHow can you trust him? Rowan’s a good petSleeps 20 hours a dayNot very needyYou don’t impress meYou all look the same to me- Golden retrieversYou have a poodle?That’s all that I need to knowYou deserve to die
Jessie, a ladyWell-behaved pretty airedaleJoly, not so much
E.g. Joly's earsThey refused their proper shapePoked up like rabbit's
I like animalsI just don't like huge-ass dogsToo much freakin' work
Most dogs gross me outWhat's with all the ass sniffing?Have some self respect
JPX adviceTo a grieving pet owner"Buy another one"
Does Whirly hide snakesWhen JPX comes over?Big box of willies
If you're into snakesYou should check out my pythonIt's in my trousers
Need guest-mocking petJust laughing derisivelyHey! Salacious Crumb!
Riddle me this, friendWhy aren’t monkeys common pets?They’re funny and smart
Snake Club gatheringLots of hissing, no booingHey - try the apples
Snake Of The Month Club30 days of sheer terrorOver and overTo JSP -Normal pets just poopOnce you start flinging fecesPet status revokedOpposable thumbsWhat do chimps do with this gift?Public jerking off
I can overlook Flinging feces if I canHang out with an ape
"mitch mckeever" hereno excuse for killing catsjeff still dead to me
ever go to fairsand win goldfish in baggies?they seldom last longfish are boring petsnot much personalityexcept piranhas
where is my mr.aka "bosco broadway"?he's had some GREAT pets
Promise not to laugh?Mine’s the worst porn name ever“Autumn Heritage”Genitals shrivelI picture an Amish chickHolding a basket
I'm "bootsy sandy"was almost "smokey sandy"a better porn name
We had a white mouseHe ate his whole familyWhat drove him to it?
I could also beYulee Hilltop, if you pleasehe was our doggie
NPR storyMail-order squirrel monkeyOrdered on the slyEagerly openedMonkey attacks face, draws blood"Oh, it's nothing Mom!"
Why no monkey pets?ask the lady with no facethe monkey ate it
My sister and IOur porno names are the sameYes, that's a problem
The worst dog EVERMy friend Armpit's terrier"Ming the Merciless" He bit, barked and stankHe often urinatedOn the kitchen floor
Well technicallyI could be Snowball HilltopThat was our bunnyDad grew up on farmwe had lots and lots of petsmade him feel at home
If your name's ArmpitPerhaps you have low standardsBecause, well... Armpit
The worst part is this:They never cleaned the pee upRead the next haiku Take paper towelsPlace them on the urine stainAnd then leave them thereArmpit was a friendBut he was a filthy guyHence the name “Armpit”
"He bit, barked and stankHe often urinatedOn the kitchen floor"The dog was bad tooIndustrial backyard chainBarely contained him
Ming's human response:"Two legs??? KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL!!!"Ate neighborhood kids
npr storymy ass. clearly a storyabout octopunk
Much revealed todayJPX, a cat killerWhirly, snake charmerDCD/Octo'sDad, serial squirrel killerno birds for ACStan,indecisiveand Johnny wants a monkeyMe, I just love cats
Had too many petscan't fit them all in haikujust too soft-heartedOver all the years 5 gerbils, 3 bunnies, fish4 dogs and 12 cats
Early memoryRunning in the yard barefootStepping in dog shitRecent memoryWalked from car to officeLeft a path of shitIf I step in shitI don't try to save my shoesI throw them away
Come on 50PTell us about all your petsI expect some goldWhirly's cat is badIf I'm nice and I pet herI sneeze all night longOcto's dog had fleasIt was an infestationDifficult to sleepMy sis' dog is grossHis fur is like pubic hairHis farts clear the room
My aunt had a dognipped ankles and humped your leghated that fucker
Dogs can be fun petsuntil they get old and grosssmelly old burdens
Had a cat in heatShe unlocked windows and jumpedso she could get laidFound her with male catslike the whore of Babylonon a clearance sale5 kittens emergedmeowing, shitting up our house cute but disgusting
Had a piranhawho couldn't catch his food fishswam into tank wallsPut a craw daddyinto the tropical tankit hunted and killedOnce had two Oscarsfish with personalitieslet us hand feed them
we love cats too muchwe celebrate "caturday"every fucking weekwe love cats too muchtaiga eats premium foodwhile some humans starvewe love cats too muchspend a fortune on vet billscan never retirewe love cats too muchvacations have lost appealwe would miss taiga
If you have male catsI suggest cut their balls offor they will wanderWant to beat boredom? Cats are so entertainingjust add some catnip
i agree with catmost tv can't compete withthe taiga channel
Futile exerciseTopic: "Pets." Writer: "Catfreeek."Waiting: "Handsome Week."
I Am CatfreeekHave 17 iguanasPlus Brontosaurus
(ghost-haiku-ing as Cat)Giraffe poop is toughIt's all over the backyardLong neck means long linksStray rhinocerosBeady eyes were just SO cuteFeeding dish issuesDuck-billed platypiA tough doorstep rejectionNew eggs for breakfast
you're losing it, stan."catfreeek" has two syllables.wait for "handsome" week.
my warning's too latewhere will this end, handsome stan?an axolotl?
(...and now, from MrsX)Wanted a dogTo fit in my purse. Matt: "NOOOOO!"Fine. Pet rock it is.Declaw all the cats!"Inhumane!" say some. Well, fine.Tell that to the couch.
Got carried awayRushed "brontosaurus" in thereA comic failure
Bronto? No such thingApatosaurus found firstOops! Same dinosaurScience tragedyThe legit name's the worse oneBrontosaurus rules
Too late this hump day?Start a Cats vs. Dogs fight?The winner is Dogs
Dogs are full of loveCats might barely notice youObvious, really
stan, you know i kidi love the "stanfreeek" haikushow 'bout a tapir?
I exaggerateCats are cuddly, but onlyWhen they deign to beDogs just adore youLavish attention on youThey just can't help it
dogs ARE full of love:slobbery, dependent, andindiscriminate
Cats: you come please meDogs: I I can't WAIT to please you!!!Me: Enough, you whores
Uhhh, dogs eat cat poopthat makes them inferiorCats eat no ones poopdogs need to be bathedCats are so independent they keep themselves cleanCats self entertainWhile dogs need to be played withcats are amusingDogs need to be walkedwith hot steaming poop pick upI'd rather scoop poop
(and yet another entry from MrsX, which is just...just great...)my pussy is wet dripping, soaking, yes she ishow'd she get outside?
Dogs eat the cat poopthen lavishly adore youby licking your face
taiga just left mea small "gift" outside her boxtoo late to change vote?
Stan's haiku topic?to describe his awesomenesswith syllabic proseAC would have merunning a Jurassic parkin my humble home
Though a great topicI don't envy DCDhaving to choose one
I once had no petsUnless you count JSP,Handsome and Gonga
darn tootin, catfreeekimagine a litterboxfor stegosaurus
I BEG to differStan is pet to no womanCatfreeeek is wrong...wrong
Let's weigh it out StanYou guys hung out, I fed yougave you toys to playCleaned up after youHowever, I cleaned no poopso that means no pet?
So to be a petsomeone must clean up your poopnow that's food for thoughtWhen we're old, we're petsfeeble cronies in a homegetting asses wiped
Highschool senior yearBought a lizard for myselfTiny iguanaKale and vitaminsGandalf the green iguanaGrew by leaps and boundsHot rock and heat lampRound-bellied lizard baskingI think he might poopLizard shit is grossAnd it's unavoidableBut what could I do?I trained my lizardTo crap in a litterboxStill gross, but betterGandalf at collegeHe shit on my roommate, BradWhile he was sleepingOn a warm spring dayI took Gandalf out walkingHe had a red leashA word of adviceIf you want to meet girlsDon't walk your lizardCollege junior yearMy lizard had really grownOver four feet longGandalf turned nastyHe really hated his tankI guess I would tooThe local pet shopAgreed to adopt GandalfThey let me visit
Time to go to bedThe cat's waiting on the stairshe's tired and pissed
The first time I metMr. Ac, he showed meHis pet garden snakeI watched him feed itHe gave it a mouse to eatGross but hypnotic
Birds peck your eyes outSnakes strangle you in your sleepFish are just stupid
When it's Cats v DogsIt all comes down to the poopBlah litter box blahWhat I wanna know:A box of shit IN your houseHow is that a win?
A cat lives with usJulie named him WashingtonZack calls him GickyI do like GickyBut I know about the boxMixed blessing at best
When he acts crazyAnd then I get in his faceA total blank stareYou can control dogsBecause they listen to youImportant to me
Picture this: HorrorthonHouse is finally asleepI start to watch flickThen Gicky attacksAny object he can seeIncluding my feetAnnoying? You bet!Cat thinks he's in the MatrixHopping off the walls
"Picture this: Horrorthon" 6 syllables!
Picture this: shut upThat better?
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