Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Haiku Hump Day Presents.....

PETS!

Awwwww, pets are so cute...


Until they're not....



And people are known to do ridiculous things to their pets...

I'm so embarrassed.

There are some I will never, ever understand...

We're like giant rats!

Aren't I pretty? Until I escape from my cage and kill you.


And no matter how "smart" someone says their pet is, I still think Gary Larson had it right.


So what say you Horrorthoners? Love 'em? Hate 'em? Seventeen syllable it up!


103 comments:

JPX said...

My poor cat 'Fluffy'
Apparently I killed her
Threw her down the stairs

I was only 3
Who knows what I was thinking?
I was only 3!

What is your porn name?
Take the name of your first pet
And street you lived on

Wanna know my name?
I think it's hilarious
I'm "Fluffy Castle"

Octopunk said...

Ginger blur of cat
Folded laundry falls in wake
Yeah, you better blur

Octopunk said...

I'm "Jessie Plymouth"
I want nothing to do with
Your fluffy castle

Octopunk said...

JPX hates pets
Now we all know the real truth
He's got Fluffy guilt

Octopunk said...

But what kind of cat
Can't handle simple stair toss?
Land on feet my ass

Octopunk said...

I must please point out:
"Retardeds" and "regarded"
Still cracking me up

Octopunk said...

Flushed sick fish, not dead
He swam 'round then headed out
Seemed quite determined

Whirlygirl said...

her name is Pippa
a.k.a. the cat from hell
she lives in my house

HandsomeStan said...

Meaningless creature
A dog that fits in handbag
You are not a dog

Octopunk said...

My Dad loves his pets
Yet trapped a hundred squirrels
And drowned their asses

JPX said...

I've had lots of pets!
Cats, fish, even some field mice
I don't like huge dogs

I don't like large dogs
I hate when they jump on me
Smelly and hairy

"Oh, she just likes you!"
People say that when dogs jump
"Make her go away"

Octopunk said...

Fashion chihuahua
An accessory that poops
Thanks Paris Hilton

JPX said...

I HATE walking dogs
When it is raining outside
Stop sniffing, just shit!

Whirlygirl said...

here's my secret shame:
i belonged to a snake club
...and i'm still in it

snakes, african frogs,
turtles, and chameleons
some of my prized pets

JPX said...

My God Whirlygirl
You're just full of mystery!
I didn't know this!

Had some Sea Monkeys
I was so disappointed
Never saw the king

1982
I won the science fair prize
Drugged some mice with booze

HandsomeStan said...

Follow dog with bag
Grab poop with bag, throw away
Who's really in charge?

HandsomeStan said...

Train dog to get beer
The cat just can't be bothered
Truly Man's Best Friend

Train cat to use john
The dog just can't handle it
Who's got the edge here?

JPX said...

I won't pick up poop
I absolutely refuse
They don't pick up mine

HandsomeStan said...

A haiku redux:
YOUR dog is in MY workspace
A pet that peeves me

Whirlygirl said...

white lizard...so cute
poor thing, barely lived a day
death by cat litter

white lizard...so cute
mom hoping to find a cure
she froze your body

white lizard...so cute
dwelled in our freezer for years
caused lots of chaos

white lizard...so cute
I once cooked you in a stew
yuck! you're not good meat

white lizard...so cute
I thought you were a fruit bar
you tasted scaly

white lizard...so cute
my sis tried to eat you too
we kept getting fooled

white lizard...so cute
even poor dad got confused
cooked you with some eggs

white lizard...so cute
this is getting very old
put him in a grave!

white lizard...so cute
one day we lost track of you
...mom might still have you

JPX said...

Whirlygirl scares me
What is fact and what's fiction?
Did she eat that pet?

Our poor cat, Tyler
An odd personality
A red fox ate her

Catfreeek said...

Your ku's disturb me
Murder, drownings, used for food
Pet lovers my ass!

My cats are pampered
Lie around like royalty
we're guests in THEIR house

Damn that Merlin cat
He's too smart for his own good
locked me out of house

Pandora so sweet
until she's out of her food
transforms into bitch

Lestat is my bane
follows me to every room
needy little shit

Isis is a punk
she picks fights with all the boys
she's small but mighty

Osiris is dumb
jumped into the closed window
No brain so no pain

So what's my porn name?
Not lavish like JPX
It's just "Puss Hilltop"

AC said...

i used to like jeff
til i learned he killed a cat
now he's dead to me

AC said...

i don't understand
the "bird as a pet" concept
life sentence plus poop

AC said...

my cat likes water
she fell in the toilet once
don't think she liked it

AC said...

my cat treads fiercely
while "nursing" on my neck skin
rivals Cat's FX

JPX said...

I was only 3!
Fluf' never saw it coming
What's AC's porn name?

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Between you and me
I don’t like my girlfriend’s dog
I have my reasons

Good old Theodore
Dumbest dog to walk the Earth
Still, my favorite pet

Abby loved goose shit
She ate it like caviar
I think it killed her

Jeff hates animals
This worries me now and then
How can you trust him?

Rowan’s a good pet
Sleeps 20 hours a day
Not very needy

You don’t impress me
You all look the same to me
- Golden retrievers

You have a poodle?
That’s all that I need to know
You deserve to die

Octopunk said...

Jessie, a lady
Well-behaved pretty airedale
Joly, not so much

Octopunk said...

E.g. Joly's ears
They refused their proper shape
Poked up like rabbit's

JPX said...

I like animals
I just don't like huge-ass dogs
Too much freakin' work

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Most dogs gross me out
What's with all the ass sniffing?
Have some self respect

Octopunk said...

JPX advice
To a grieving pet owner
"Buy another one"

Octopunk said...

Does Whirly hide snakes
When JPX comes over?
Big box of willies

Johnny Sweatpants said...

If you're into snakes
You should check out my python
It's in my trousers

HandsomeStan said...

Need guest-mocking pet
Just laughing derisively
Hey! Salacious Crumb!

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Riddle me this, friend
Why aren’t monkeys common pets?
They’re funny and smart

HandsomeStan said...

Snake Club gathering
Lots of hissing, no booing
Hey - try the apples

HandsomeStan said...

Snake Of The Month Club
30 days of sheer terror
Over and over



To JSP -

Normal pets just poop
Once you start flinging feces
Pet status revoked

Opposable thumbs
What do chimps do with this gift?
Public jerking off

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I can overlook
Flinging feces if I can
Hang out with an ape

AC said...

"mitch mckeever" here
no excuse for killing cats
jeff still dead to me

AC said...

ever go to fairs
and win goldfish in baggies?
they seldom last long

fish are boring pets
not much personality
except piranhas

AC said...

where is my mr.
aka "bosco broadway"?
he's had some GREAT pets

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Promise not to laugh?
Mine’s the worst porn name ever
“Autumn Heritage”

Genitals shrivel
I picture an Amish chick
Holding a basket

Whirlygirl said...

I'm "bootsy sandy"
was almost "smokey sandy"
a better porn name

Johnny Sweatpants said...

We had a white mouse
He ate his whole family
What drove him to it?

Catfreeek said...

I could also be
Yulee Hilltop, if you please
he was our doggie

Octopunk said...

NPR story
Mail-order squirrel monkey
Ordered on the sly

Eagerly opened
Monkey attacks face, draws blood
"Oh, it's nothing Mom!"

Catfreeek said...

Why no monkey pets?
ask the lady with no face
the monkey ate it

Octopunk said...

My sister and I
Our porno names are the same
Yes, that's a problem

Johnny Sweatpants said...

The worst dog EVER
My friend Armpit's terrier
"Ming the Merciless"

He bit, barked and stank
He often urinated
On the kitchen floor

Catfreeek said...

Well technically
I could be Snowball Hilltop
That was our bunny

Dad grew up on farm
we had lots and lots of pets
made him feel at home

Octopunk said...

If your name's Armpit
Perhaps you have low standards
Because, well... Armpit

Johnny Sweatpants said...

The worst part is this:
They never cleaned the pee up
Read the next haiku

Take paper towels
Place them on the urine stain
And then leave them there

Armpit was a friend
But he was a filthy guy
Hence the name “Armpit”

HandsomeStan said...

"He bit, barked and stank
He often urinated
On the kitchen floor"

The dog was bad too
Industrial backyard chain
Barely contained him

HandsomeStan said...

Ming's human response:
"Two legs??? KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL!!!"
Ate neighborhood kids

AC said...

npr story
my ass. clearly a story
about octopunk

Catfreeek said...

Much revealed today
JPX, a cat killer
Whirly, snake charmer

DCD/Octo's
Dad, serial squirrel killer
no birds for AC

Stan,indecisive
and Johnny wants a monkey
Me, I just love cats

Catfreeek said...

Had too many pets
can't fit them all in haiku
just too soft-hearted

Over all the years
5 gerbils, 3 bunnies, fish
4 dogs and 12 cats

JPX said...

Early memory
Running in the yard barefoot
Stepping in dog shit

Recent memory
Walked from car to office
Left a path of shit

If I step in shit
I don't try to save my shoes
I throw them away

JPX said...

Come on 50P
Tell us about all your pets
I expect some gold

Whirly's cat is bad
If I'm nice and I pet her
I sneeze all night long

Octo's dog had fleas
It was an infestation
Difficult to sleep

My sis' dog is gross
His fur is like pubic hair
His farts clear the room

Catfreeek said...

My aunt had a dog
nipped ankles and humped your leg
hated that fucker

Catfreeek said...

Dogs can be fun pets
until they get old and gross
smelly old burdens

Catfreeek said...

Had a cat in heat
She unlocked windows and jumped
so she could get laid

Found her with male cats
like the whore of Babylon
on a clearance sale

5 kittens emerged
meowing, shitting up our house
cute but disgusting

Catfreeek said...

Had a piranha
who couldn't catch his food fish
swam into tank walls

Put a craw daddy
into the tropical tank
it hunted and killed

Once had two Oscars
fish with personalities
let us hand feed them

AC said...

we love cats too much
we celebrate "caturday"
every fucking week

we love cats too much
taiga eats premium food
while some humans starve

we love cats too much
spend a fortune on vet bills
can never retire

we love cats too much
vacations have lost appeal
we would miss taiga

Catfreeek said...

If you have male cats
I suggest cut their balls off
or they will wander

Want to beat boredom?
Cats are so entertaining
just add some catnip

AC said...

i agree with cat
most tv can't compete with
the taiga channel

HandsomeStan said...

Futile exercise
Topic: "Pets." Writer: "Catfreeek."
Waiting: "Handsome Week."

HandsomeStan said...

I Am Catfreeek
Have 17 iguanas
Plus Brontosaurus

HandsomeStan said...

(ghost-haiku-ing as Cat)

Giraffe poop is tough
It's all over the backyard
Long neck means long links

Stray rhinoceros
Beady eyes were just SO cute
Feeding dish issues

Duck-billed platypi
A tough doorstep rejection
New eggs for breakfast

AC said...

you're losing it, stan.
"catfreeek" has two syllables.
wait for "handsome" week.

AC said...

my warning's too late
where will this end, handsome stan?
an axolotl?

HandsomeStan said...

(...and now, from MrsX)

Wanted a dog
To fit in my purse. Matt: "NOOOOO!"
Fine. Pet rock it is.

Declaw all the cats!
"Inhumane!" say some. Well, fine.
Tell that to the couch.

HandsomeStan said...

Got carried away
Rushed "brontosaurus" in there
A comic failure

Octopunk said...

Bronto? No such thing
Apatosaurus found first
Oops! Same dinosaur

Science tragedy
The legit name's the worse one
Brontosaurus rules

Octopunk said...

Too late this hump day?
Start a Cats vs. Dogs fight?
The winner is Dogs

Octopunk said...

Dogs are full of love
Cats might barely notice you
Obvious, really

AC said...

stan, you know i kid
i love the "stanfreeek" haikus
how 'bout a tapir?

Octopunk said...

I exaggerate
Cats are cuddly, but only
When they deign to be

Dogs just adore you
Lavish attention on you
They just can't help it

AC said...

dogs ARE full of love:
slobbery, dependent, and
indiscriminate

HandsomeStan said...

Cats: you come please me
Dogs: I I can't WAIT to please you!!!
Me: Enough, you whores

Catfreeek said...

Uhhh, dogs eat cat poop
that makes them inferior
Cats eat no ones poop

dogs need to be bathed
Cats are so independent
they keep themselves clean

Cats self entertain
While dogs need to be played with
cats are amusing

Dogs need to be walked
with hot steaming poop pick up
I'd rather scoop poop

HandsomeStan said...

(and yet another entry from MrsX, which is just...just great...)

my pussy is wet
dripping, soaking, yes she is
how'd she get outside?

Catfreeek said...

Dogs eat the cat poop
then lavishly adore you
by licking your face

AC said...

taiga just left me
a small "gift" outside her box
too late to change vote?

Catfreeek said...

Stan's haiku topic?
to describe his awesomeness
with syllabic prose

AC would have me
running a Jurassic park
in my humble home

Catfreeek said...

Though a great topic
I don't envy DCD
having to choose one

Catfreeek said...

I once had no pets
Unless you count JSP,
Handsome and Gonga

AC said...

darn tootin, catfreeek
imagine a litterbox
for stegosaurus

HandsomeStan said...

I BEG to differ
Stan is pet to no woman
Catfreeeek is wrong...wrong

Catfreeek said...

Let's weigh it out Stan
You guys hung out, I fed you
gave you toys to play

Cleaned up after you
However, I cleaned no poop
so that means no pet?

Catfreeek said...

So to be a pet
someone must clean up your poop
now that's food for thought

When we're old, we're pets
feeble cronies in a home
getting asses wiped

Mr. AC said...

Highschool senior year
Bought a lizard for myself
Tiny iguana

Kale and vitamins
Gandalf the green iguana
Grew by leaps and bounds

Hot rock and heat lamp
Round-bellied lizard basking
I think he might poop

Lizard shit is gross
And it's unavoidable
But what could I do?

I trained my lizard
To crap in a litterbox
Still gross, but better

Gandalf at college
He shit on my roommate, Brad
While he was sleeping

On a warm spring day
I took Gandalf out walking
He had a red leash

A word of advice
If you want to meet girls
Don't walk your lizard

College junior year
My lizard had really grown
Over four feet long

Gandalf turned nasty
He really hated his tank
I guess I would too

The local pet shop
Agreed to adopt Gandalf
They let me visit

Catfreeek said...

Time to go to bed
The cat's waiting on the stairs
he's tired and pissed

JPX said...

The first time I met
Mr. Ac, he showed me
His pet garden snake

I watched him feed it
He gave it a mouse to eat
Gross but hypnotic

Octopunk said...

Birds peck your eyes out
Snakes strangle you in your sleep
Fish are just stupid

Octopunk said...

When it's Cats v Dogs
It all comes down to the poop
Blah litter box blah

What I wanna know:
A box of shit IN your house
How is that a win?

Octopunk said...

A cat lives with us
Julie named him Washington
Zack calls him Gicky

I do like Gicky
But I know about the box
Mixed blessing at best

Octopunk said...

When he acts crazy
And then I get in his face
A total blank stare

You can control dogs
Because they listen to you
Important to me

Octopunk said...

Picture this: Horrorthon
House is finally asleep
I start to watch flick

Then Gicky attacks
Any object he can see
Including my feet

Annoying? You bet!
Cat thinks he's in the Matrix
Hopping off the walls

JPX said...

"Picture this: Horrorthon"
6 syllables!

Octopunk said...

Picture this: shut up

That better?