By Scott Bowles, USA TODAYFantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer still doesn't quite live up to the billing, but it improves mightily on the original.
And the superhero family can thank its new addition for the upgrade.
TRAILER: See what 'Silver Surfer' is all about
PHOTOS: Check out more 'Fantastic Four' pics
Like the dreadful 2005 original, this Fantastic embraces its flyweight status: It's cheesy, short and meant more for families than fanboys.
But this time, director Tim Story punches up the film with crisp writing, inside jokes for comic devotees and, most important, a nemesis worth raving about in the Silver Surfer.
Embodied by Doug Jones and voiced by Laurence Fishburne, Surfer may be the most seamless computer-generated film character yet. And because he's an alien of few words, Surfer brings an element of cool and menace the first installment sorely lacked.
The sequel picks up where the original ended: Sue Storm (Jessica Alba) and Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd) are headed for the altar, while Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) and Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis) are bickering like kids in the back seat on a road trip.
It's a lumbering start, with the latexed family lamenting its fame, the paparazzi and which endorsement deals to ink (a slick way for the movie to secure some real commercial tie-ins).
Things pick up when the Surfer arrives, and his full entrance — seeping through a high-rise building — is dazzling.
Surfer, the family learns, is a herald sent to scout out edible planets for the evil Galactus, and the Earth apparently is pâté de foie gras.
Yes, that's stupid. But so is a kid who can shoot webs from his hands, a playboy who thinks he's a bat or an alien from Krypton who lands a low-paying newspaper job.
And once you accept that Fantastic Four is not trying to be anything deeper than popcorn fare, the ride can be fun — with an ending more satisfying than Spider-Man 3.
No one really dies in comic-book movies, so the evil Victor Von Doom (Julian McMahon) inexplicably arises from the ashes when Surfer arrives.
So does the Army, led by the bullying General Hager (Andre Braugher).
Fantastic Four loses its rhythm when it dabbles in reality, particularly a scene in which the military tortures a character to get a confession.
S
till, it remains about the only family comic-book franchise with a sense of humor and subject matter suitable for kids. Some parents may take their children solely for a speech Reed Richards gives about studying hard.
But no one really goes to a comic-book film for an After School Special lesson. They want chiseled heroes, hissable villains and gee-whiz effects, and Fantastic finally gets most of it right.
Surf on.
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From AICN, The rumors are true and the bets are being settled. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is an astounding, unbelievable, monumental…piece of shit. No, really. When Bill O’Reilly gets around to seeing this, he’s going to tender his resignation the moment he realizes that Fox not only sanctioned, but paid for, an abortion. Unlike its predecessor, this movie starts off bad and continues to get worse. So let’s lay our cards on the table, shall we?
When it comes to the original Fantastic Four, I tend to fall dead even with the general consensus. It got as much right as it got wrong. So imagine my surprise when this movie not only starts off on the wrong foot, but hops on it the whole way. There is so much wrong with this that it has to be seen to be believed – not that I’d recommend that to anyone but my most fervent of enemies. The first act is entirely a series of terrible slapstick jokes about being members of the Fantastic Four. We’re talking gawd-awful shit so bad you expect some old vaudevillian/Hanna Barbara sound effects and a rim shot to follow each of them up. They even sink so low as to hit you with a Thing’s Dork made of Rock joke. Such is the juvenile, complete disrespect of the material.
And that’s just how this begins.
Then, once they’ve gotten through the initial set up and finish explaining that they give exactly fuck and all about the material they’re handling, they introduce the Silver Surfer, the one redeeming aspect of the whole film. The five to ten minutes we spend with Lawrence Fishburne’s Norrin Radd is about the only moments of the film that are tolerable, if not enjoyable. They get him right. Of course, he’s not on screen long enough to get fucked up, nor does he ever crack one of the tasteless, puerile jokes.
The rest of the Fantastic Four fare about the same. Ioan Gruffudd is still struggling at his feeble attempt at Reed Richards. And Jessica Alba – well, as hot as she may be, in a town full of fucking blondes, they hired the only Brunette – and the worst part of her playing Sue Storm is that when she's not just totally wrong for the part, you just can't take your eyes off of her creepy fake ass blue contacts. Seriously guys. If you care so little about getting Sue right, does her eye color really fucking matter that much? And the Thing still looks fake as all hell. So much for the theory that they'd make him rockier over time. And does Chiklis have it in his contract somewhere that he has to appear without makeup in so many scenes in each film? Because I don't think in over 500 issues the Thing has turned human as many times as he has in this two movie series.
Once again, the only character that hits the mark is Chris Evans Johnny Storm. But even he gets a bit too bogged down in one-liners, as well as plays party to all the very worst moments in the film.
Really, this feels like a terrible parody of this famed super team. I don't care how goofy and kitschy the Fantastic Four got in the comics at times. They were never a Warner Brothers cartoon. This might as well be – without actually being funny like a WB cartoon. So bad was this at times that I was waiting for the Mad TV actors to appear, playing major roles. And if you doubt me, wait until you see the scene in which the Fantastic Car shows up. Oh lord, just you wait. There is such a sacrilegious setup, such a you just wouldn't believe it if I told you moment, that IT WILL BECOME LEGENDARY. Guys – this is nipples on the batsuit bad.
And really, that's what kills this movie. Sure, fine, whatever – turn Galactus into a giant space tornado and don't let him appear at all. Keep Dr. Doom shooting balls of electricity. Have the military treat reed Richards like shit every time they need his help to a point at which it makes no sense. That's the kind of shit you could get away with if you got the soul of the movie right. But they don't. They fail, once again, to get the soul right – only this time, they don't even appear to be trying. So things like Giant Space Tornado, Eater of Worlds (AKA Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-Film) kind of sticks out like a cold sore on a stripper.
Could this movie be worse? Only a bit. It could be a bit more boring, and piss you off just a slight bit more. But that would require effort. Something this franchise has shown very little of. Not Recommended. Not even a little bit.
That AICN review wasn't very clear. I couldn't tell whether or not he enjoyed the film...
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OMG - it worked! Thanks, Octo!
Ah, it's so great when they learn to walk.
This annoyed me from the post:
"Yes, that's stupid. But so is a kid who can shoot webs from his hands, a playboy who thinks he's a bat or an alien from Krypton who lands a low-paying newspaper job."
Screw you, dude! So basically ALL comic books are the same quality because they're all equally fictitious? Get a job.
I guess I'm overreacting, but the Silver Surfer is perhaps the silliest comic-book idea ever, for reasons I've said before:
Why why WHY does an alien from another world have a SURF BOARD?
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