JPX’s Horrorthon Wrap-up

JPX (in Frogger shirt) and Summerisle (in awesome Ms. Pacman shirt) want to sell you stuff.

Okay I realize that I’ve been dragging my ass on the rest of my reviews, but I have good, solid reasons. Actually the reasons are kind of flimsy, but I can still rationalize with the best of them. First and foremost work as been incredibly busy. The winter months and shorter days are great for business but bad for Horrorthon. Second, a chunk of the reviews I have left are movies too terrible to give any significant attention. Third, a few of the movies were reviewed so well and so thoroughly that it would be audacious for me to attempt any original thought. And finally, Octopunk will tell you that I have the world’s worst memory (think fish from Finding Nemo, I can’t recall her name) and I simply don’t remember a whole lot about some of these films except that they almost drove me to suicide. Rather than hold up Horrorthon any longer I’m going to give you the whole ball of wax all at once. Before I do that I wanted to mention my strategy this year. I informed Summerisle back in September that I had secret plans to beat the almighty Octopunk once and for all. My strategy was to watch a huge number of films right out of the gate and to take the last 2 days of October off. I was ahead by approximately 10 movies throughout the entire competition. It’s true that I white-lied my numbers when he directly inquired, but that’s only because we all know what a competitive bastard Octopunk can be. There, I said it. So I realize that this is a massive cheat, but I simply can’t anticipate a time when I’ll be able to summarize these 11 films adequately (that’s right, 11 bitches!) and I don’t want to be writing reviews throughout March. Want to fight about it?

In no particular order:

The Freakmaker (aka The Mutations; Doctor of Evil)
(1974) *

Do you recognize that chap next to Donald Pleasance? If you guessed, “Why it’s Tom ‘Dr. Who’ Baker" you’d be correct. This terrible 70s film offers a new (crappy) take on the “mad scientist” genre. Pleasance plays the crazy doc/college professor who lectures on, and is obsessed with, the connection between foliage, humans, and evolution. We know this because the first 5 minutes of the film is literally a lecture (so similar to an actual college lecture, in fact, that I slipped right back into student mode and began doodling in my notebook; composing love letters, and making lists of the bestest movies ever). Meanwhile things at the local fair have become increasingly strange with the almost daily arrival of new “freaks.” In a nutshell, Dr. Who works for Pleasance and spends his days kidnapping hot chicks for Pleasance’s bizarre experiments. Pleasance’s mutated “failures” are conveniently donated to the fair. When a visiting scientist arrives and learns of Pleasance’s affront to nature, he teams up with the “failures” to put a stop to this diabolical situation.

Terrible in every way imaginable, The Freakmaker offers nothing of value. If you can get past the soundtrack, which is akin to stretching a rubber band and strumming it slowly, what you’re left with is a tedious British affair with one boob shot (see above).

Imprint
(2006) **1/2

Takashi Miike’s infamous “banned” Masters of Horror” episode is mostly a long setup for a brutal torture scene the bests his own Audition. Searching for a prostitute that he once loved and abandoned, an American Journalist travels to Japan to reunite with his lost amore. His search eventually leads to a whorehouse where he learns of her terrible final days, which is recounted through flashback.

When I first heard that Imprint was “banned” I couldn’t imagine what Miike created that would piss off Showtime. After watching his contribution to the “Masters of Horror” series you get the impression that getting banned was his intention. From shots of aborted fetuses floating down the river to the most excruciating torture scene I’ve ever witnessed in my life, he all but assured that this thing would only see the light of day on DVD, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Horror fans will want to check this out, however I can’t imagine ever sitting through it again.

Saw II
(2005) ****

Yeah right, like I’m going to discuss this after Octopunk and Jordan provided the definitive statement on the Saw series. I will say that this might be the best (i.e., consistently good) horror series ever created. Despite flaws here and there, this film series has been thoroughly shocking and engaging and has only become better with each installment. Jigsaw is a fantastic, instantly iconic, horror figure and I can’t wait for next year’s Saw IV.

Demons of Ludlow
(1983) *


Celebrating its 200th anniversary, the town of Ludlow receives an unusual gift from The Ludlow Estate in England; a gold plated harmonium (i.e., a piano that sounds like a harpsichord, don’t worry, I didn’t know what the hell it was either). Returning to her childhood town to cover the event, a reporter remembers that this is not the first time this harmonium has been in the town. She eventually recalls a tale her grandfather once recounted regarding a harmonium that killed numerous townsfolk years before. As she attempts to investigate the veracity of this tale, strange things begin to occur in town; objects begin to levitate, toy dolls come to life, a young retarded girl is torn apart by demons, and blood mysteriously appears everywhere. Can the reporter and the town priest stop this madness in time?

The answer is “yes”, I think. Then again, I’m not really sure. I don’t recall a single thing about this film except that the word harmonium sounds funny. Sorry.

The Amazing Transparent Man
(1960) **1/2

Crazy ex-major, Paul, has blackmailed a German scientist into inventing an invisible ray in order to create an invisible army to sell to the highest bidder. In need of a human guinea pig, he breaks thug safecracker Joey out of the joint, turns him invisible, and forces him to steal more radium to further his research. Things are going great until Paul discovers an unfortunate side effect to the invisibility treatment.

This movie was included in a “Legends of Horror” boxset and was given the royal DVD treatment with commentrary, trailers, etc. I’m not sure that The Amazing Transparent Man deserved such love, but it was fun nontheless. It’s always amazing to me that people want to use invisiblity for evil when they could be using it for more important endevors such as moving into a high school girls locker-room

Bloodlust
(1961) ***

In this umpteenth version of Richard Edward Connell’s “The Most Dangerous Game” a game hunter who has grown tired of hunting animals sets his sights on humans. Mr. Brady and some other “teens” get trapped on the island and find themselves being hunted by the sadistic bastard. Summerisle wasn’t kidding this one is fun! Mr. Brady plays himself, dispensing sound advice in the face of adversity. The hunter’s “trophy” room has like 3 things in it.

Slither
(2006) ***1/2

The plot of Slither is virtually impossible to describe adequately. Basically a redneck townie becomes infected with an alien plague, which sets him off on a kill-spree infecting all he comes in contact with. Part zombie, part slasher, part sci-fi, part mutants, Slither has it all. Add to that smorgasbord a movie that sports an 80s look with old-school, Savani-like fx and you’ve got one heck of a weird, yet strangely satisfying, flick. Summerisle and Octopunk butted heads on this film during Horrorthon but I’d have to side with Octopunk on this one. My one criticism would be that the film’s tone is inconsistent. At times it’s a pure horror film yet it periodically lapses into ridiculous, not always effective, humor. I still point towards Return of the Living Dead as the best example of getting that balance right. Get the balance riiiiiiiiiiight. Sorry.

One Body Too Many
(1944) *

An insurance salesman is summoned to Cyrus Rutherford’s estate to sell him, what else, some life insurance. When he arrives he learns that Cyrus is already dead and his greedy heirs have gathered in the sprawling mansion to hear the reading of the will. However, it is decried that Cyrus’ will is not to be read until he is properly entombed. Consequently the heirs are forced to spend the night in the creepy mansion lest they lose their inheritance. The insurance salesman becomes embroiled in this nonsense as he too is forbidden to leave. As night falls the high jinks begin as the heirs vie to secure their inheritance by eliminating the others (i.e., scare them into leaving). If this all sounds ridiculous, that’s because it’s a pathetic comedy. Every Horrorthon there’s at least one film that takes me 6 attempts to get through and One Body Too Many was this year’s winner. For some strange reason this dumb movie had a soporific effect on me and every time I popped it in it was as if I just consumed a large quantity of Trazadone.

A Shriek in the Night
(1933) *1/2

Good God, what the hell was this one about? Sigh. Two rival reporters, who happen to also be lovers, try to out-scoop each other as they investigate a series of murders in a classy high-rise apartment. The killer’s calling card is literally a calling card, which has a drawing of a snake with the letters, “Ssssssssssss” written on it. [spoiler] As it turns out, the killer is the janitor of the building and his [complicated] means of execution is to poison the gas lines feeding the apartment radiators (or something like that). The “Ssssssssss” on the calling card was the killer’s hint, do you get it? This has been described as a “screwball comedy”, which automatically means that it’s terrible.

Slashed Dreams (aka Sunburst)
(1975) zero stars

Slashed Dreams is a horrible movie that has about 5 minutes of story and 70 minutes of padding. Two lovers take a weekend trip into the mountains in order to reconnect with Freddy Kruger, who dropped out of college to become a hippie. As the two skinny-dip, they are gently harassed by two rednecks who later rape the female of the couple. Eventually Freddy shows up and consoles his traumatized friend. Meanwhile the boyfriend goes for a walk and stumbles upon the two now-bickering rednecks. I thought, “Okay, now at least we’ll get some ass kicking!” The boyfriend goes after them with a very small axe and the two rednecks run off. Yep, that’s the entire movie. This is seriously one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.

Cello (2005, Korean)

Wow, they’re really running out of ideas for “scary” objects! This Korean “horror” movie is very difficult to pigeonhole. Initially a pissed off music student begins harassing a high school music theory professor, Mi-ju Hong for flunking her on an exam, which effectively kills her chances of being accepted to a prestigious music school. This storyline fades into the background, however, as events in Hong’s home take a strange turn. Her fiancé hires a creepy housekeeper who is unable to speak because she once attempted suicide by drinking acid (what a loser, she can’t even do that right); her young, retarded daughter begins menstruating prematurely, and her weird eldest daughter takes up the Cello, which seems to be haunted. I can’t describe this mess any better than I have. Cello is a confusing, jumbled story with brief smatterings of The Ring/JUON. I stopped being able to follow the plot about 20 minutes in, which might be because of the bottle of wine I was pounding.


Well gang there you have it. I watched one other film called “Panic” but I didn’t take notes and I can’t find any information on it online to jar my memory. I’m willing to let it go because I’m very sick of writing at the moment. In the time I’ve written this summary today the sun has traveled across the sky outside of my window. Okay I’m lying it’s actually raining outside, but still.