Okay, so here's the story - back in 1990, trolling the figure aisles of both Seekonk Child World and Swansea TRU, hoping to discover the latest releases of WWF LJN figs ("Akeem! Now With Gut Power!" and "Bad News Brown! With Ghetto Blaster Crotch Kick!" (I made them both up, but there REALLY should have been a BNB figure...god the INJUSTICE of it all...))
Okay, I'll start again. Back in the day, in our never-ending Figure Quest (much like The Never Ending Story, or The Boy Who Could Fly, we...)
Management apologizes for the lack of focus in this narrative. Those responsible have been sacked.
Back in the day, we hunted for figures. Action figures, to be exact. If memory serves, on one particular sunshine-y day, where all the inhabitants of their gumdrop houses on Lollipop Lane came out to * smack *
On one particular day, we ended up in the Swansea Toys R Us, thwarted in our quest to find the latest cutting-edge releases of WWF LJN figures. Our eyes were diverted to these particular two specimens, heretofore unrecognized denizens of the world of action figures. There was something...compelling...about each of them, and their perceived relationship with each other.
The exact script, which has stood the test of time, was due to the fact that Sweatpants, as is his wont, correctly and accurately imbued each previously lifeless figure with the depth of character and conflict and sheer wonder that made made playing Wrestling Figure Chess with him such a profound delight. The exact dialogue, which will never leave my memory, enacted on the dashboard of my Mazda Protege on the way back from the mall:
Bad Figure Man: (bent over doing something) * evil, sinister laugh *
Good Figure Man: (walking by, nonchalant head turn) Why, Bad Figure Man! What are you doing?
Bad Figure Man: Dumping raw sewage into the drinking water!
Good Figure Man: But why are you doing that?
Bad Figure Man: To kill people!
Good Figure Man: Well, I'm going to have to stop you.
Somehow, I didn't crash the car, doubled over the steering wheel in convulsive laughter. We made it home, and GFM and BFM vanished into the dustbin of history, to await their eventual renaissance. With that, the moment vanished into history. History dissolved into myth, myth became legend.
I believe, with the help of Jay "Gonga" Gately (the unsung third Knight Templar of the Figure Quest and a guy that SHOULD be on this blog), I have actually FOUND both Good Figure Man and Bad Figure Man. Only JSP can confirm. Their dialogue has often echoed through my head as a reverberation of a parallel universe rich in its possibilities of Really Bad Guy Doing Very Bad Things and Pretty Good Guy TryingTo Stop Him. I think these are the guys, right? If they're not, then I give up doing anything for any reason, and I am going to eat both these entire bags of sugar and flour until I die. It's all I have. The wife is out of town for a week. The toilet seat is down,, but that's all I got.
JSP mentioned this in passing in an email today, and I took it upon myself to find these fucking guys. Jay was the one with the CRITICAL missing bit of info (via text message) which read, and I quote, " They rode on giant insects. The insects legs were a black glove you put your hand into. Your fingers would be the insect's legs and Bad Figure Man rode on the insect...I think. That's all I can remember."
That's all you had to remember, my dear friend. A quick Google search of "insect hand action figures" lead me to a vanished race of toys known as the Sectaurs. And with that, I give you, Good Figure Man and Bad Figure Man, excavated and renewed for a new millennium.
"No! Good Figure Man!!! Don't go out of focus! As your younger brother, I vow to go out and face Bad Figure Man myself! No matter what happens!"
And here's Bad Figure Man, one more time, because he's seriously up to some seriously very Bad, Bad Things...I mean. LOOK at the guy.