Monday, January 30, 2012

Bad Figure Man vs. Good Figure Man

Okay, so here's the story - back in 1990, trolling the figure aisles of both Seekonk Child World and Swansea TRU, hoping to discover the latest releases of WWF LJN figs ("Akeem! Now With Gut Power!" and "Bad News Brown! With Ghetto Blaster Crotch Kick!" (I made them both up, but there REALLY should have been a BNB figure...god the INJUSTICE of it all...))

Okay, I'll start again. Back in the day, in our never-ending Figure Quest (much like The Never Ending Story, or The Boy Who Could Fly, we...)

Management apologizes for the lack of focus in this narrative. Those responsible have been sacked.

Back in the day, we hunted for figures. Action figures, to be exact. If memory serves, on one particular sunshine-y day, where all the inhabitants of their gumdrop houses on Lollipop Lane came out to * smack *

On one particular day, we ended up in the Swansea Toys R Us, thwarted in our quest to find the latest cutting-edge releases of WWF LJN figures. Our eyes were diverted to these particular two specimens, heretofore unrecognized denizens of the world of action figures. There was something...compelling...about each of them, and their perceived relationship with each other.

The exact script, which has stood the test of time, was due to the fact that Sweatpants, as is his wont, correctly and accurately imbued each previously lifeless figure with the depth of character and conflict and sheer wonder that made made playing Wrestling Figure Chess with him such a profound delight. The exact dialogue, which will never leave my memory, enacted on the dashboard of my Mazda Protege on the way back from the mall:

Bad Figure Man: (bent over doing something) * evil, sinister laugh *

Good Figure Man: (walking by, nonchalant head turn) Why, Bad Figure Man! What are you doing?

Bad Figure Man: Dumping raw sewage into the drinking water!

Good Figure Man: But why are you doing that?

Bad Figure Man: To kill people!

Good Figure Man: Well, I'm going to have to stop you.

Somehow, I didn't crash the car, doubled over the steering wheel in convulsive laughter. We made it home, and GFM and BFM vanished into the dustbin of history, to await their eventual renaissance. With that, the moment vanished into history. History dissolved into myth, myth became legend.

Until today.

I believe, with the help of Jay "Gonga" Gately (the unsung third Knight Templar of the Figure Quest and a guy that SHOULD be on this blog), I have actually FOUND both Good Figure Man and Bad Figure Man. Only JSP can confirm. Their dialogue has often echoed through my head as a reverberation of a parallel universe rich in its possibilities of Really Bad Guy Doing Very Bad Things and Pretty Good Guy TryingTo Stop Him. I think these are the guys, right? If they're not, then I give up doing anything for any reason, and I am going to eat both these entire bags of sugar and flour until I die. It's all I have. The wife is out of town for a week. The toilet seat is down,, but that's all I got.

JSP mentioned this in passing in an email today, and I took it upon myself to find these fucking guys. Jay was the one with the CRITICAL missing bit of info (via text message) which read, and I quote, " They rode on giant insects. The insects legs were a black glove you put your hand into. Your fingers would be the insect's legs and Bad Figure Man rode on the insect...I think. That's all I can remember."

That's all you had to remember, my dear friend. A quick Google search of "insect hand action figures" lead me to a vanished race of toys known as the Sectaurs. And with that, I give you, Good Figure Man and Bad Figure Man, excavated and renewed for a new millennium.

"No! Good Figure Man!!! Don't go out of focus! As your younger brother, I vow to go out and face Bad Figure Man myself! No matter what happens!"

And here's Bad Figure Man, one more time, because he's seriously up to some seriously very Bad, Bad Things...I mean. LOOK at the guy.


Johnny Sweatpants said...

I can barely type because I'm trembling with giggles.

That's him alright! (Or his twin!) I was depressed after our email exchange because I was resigned to the idea that "Bad Figure Man" would be lost to the ages. I assumed he was a generic Chinese knockoff of a He-Man action figure, who could never be identified. I squinted my eyes and tried to recall any distinct qualities about Bad Figure Man but all I remembered was the vague aura of evil he exuded.

So thanks for contacting Gonga, doing the research
and solving the mystery. I'm going to sleep like a baby and laugh myself to sleep tonight.

* Thanks to Wikipedia I just learned that the evil bastard in question was known as "General Spidrax". There was a Sectaurs cartoon series that lasted 5 episodes. Within a minute and a half of the first episode he sets fire to an innocent village.

Jordan said...

1) I love your initial inability to tell the story without everything going strangely astray.

2) How come no pictures of those insect gloves? Come on!

JPX said...

Um, Octo and I have an entire separate blog dedicated to toys, why didn’t you ask us about the identities of those good/bad figures? Sheesh! Octo and I used to (and still do) go on long toy hunts where we would map out elaborate driving routes to hit the most toy places. Back in the day we would hit Child World, Toys R Us, Kay Bee Toys and lesser reliable places like Lechemere and Caldores. We almost always had good luck. It started with our pursuit of Super Powers figures, which we were unable to complete until the computer age brought us Ebay, and endless Star Wars figures. Today with 3 Toy Vaults in my vicinity it is essentially one-stop shopping for all my collecting needs but I do miss those days of the “hunt”. Hilarious post, Stan, keep them coming!

Catfreeek said...

Haha! Thanks for the early morning laugh. Great to see you posting again. Hooray for Gonga (Who really should be on this blog) for giving you the key to solve the mystery.

Jordan said...

The appropriate user name would be "Gonga (who really should be on this blog)"

HandsomeStan said...

"He set fire to an innocent village." I think I just wet my pants.

DCD said...

Yay, Stan! Love the conquest and eventual score! Plus, you're kind of funny.

I'm confused though - in the last picture of Good Figure Man, where there are two of them - is that a big diamond shaped hole in his head where the "horns" fit in?? Or has he not developed those yet...?

Octopunk said...

I think those are antennae, and yes, they're missing.

Great post, but I was waiting for "Sectaurs" to come up the moment I laid eyes on the first pic. I never had any, but I knew. There was one dude who had two extra sets of eyes atop the usual pair. That kind of thing sticks with you.

50PageMcGee said...

thon group costume idea?