Thursday, October 10, 2013

The Beast With A Million Eyes

This Poster Lied
1955 *½ 

An alien craft lands on earth and sends out a mind altering wave that prompts animals and one brain damaged individual to attack the other five people that reside in a strange corner of our world. This film was so close to getting a so-bad-its-good (SBIG) rating but the crappy sunshine and lollipop ending doomed it to the generous one and a half I awarded it. 

First and foremost, here is the beast. Do you see a million eyes? I certainly don’t. I see a hand puppet with a giant eyeball superimposed over it. 

 What is it boy? Timmy fell in the well?

Now look at this…uh…vicious?…dog who is stalking the lady of the house. Doesn’t he look scary? I think he may have gnashed his teeth at one point but he was definitely wagging his tail when he did it, looked more like he was smiling.

Did ya see the set a teats on that cow? 
Hoo weeeeee...wait...Bessie what are you doing? 

I nearly peed myself laughing when this old dude got taken out by a cow gone wild. Well, not really wild so much as it just kinda ran him over. 

And where the hell are these people living? I never saw a group of backwoods farmers living in an area wooded with these big old funky palm trees. As a matter of fact there seemed to be no other vegetation around, just a whole lot of sand. You would think if an alien had the power of mind control, it might have chosen a more populated area if it really wanted to take over the world.

 Why do men pee on everything?
 Because they can Darling, because they can.

It took me several nights to get through this film as I kept putting it on at bedtime and would only make it through 15 minutes at a time. I finally bucked up and watched the last 15 this morning disappointing ending and all. 

What the hell kind of ending was that? 
I am getting paid for this, right?


Johnny Sweatpants said...

Haha, funny review Catfreeek. I also am working on one movie that's so bad I can only tolerate a few minutes a day but I refuse to abort it. Horrorthon!

AC said...

you guys are tougher than me. we threw in "Thankskilling 3" but just couldn't do it.

Octopunk said...

Unfortunately I know exactly where those people live, Cat, and it's southern California. Oh, it's green where the water comes in, but there's plenty of wasteland for all if you wanna drive a few miles.

Catfreeek said...

So what the hell are they farming in all that sand?

DCD said...

So funny, Cat! Although I guess not while you were trying to watch it!