Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Sharknado


2013 * (SBIG *****)

Why Sharnado? Because someone had to do it! This film takes ridiculous to a whole new level. With each moment the outrageousness grows. I can't help thinking about how hilarious the brainstorming session for this film must have been. I bet they laughed themselves silly. I initially was irritated when SciFi made the switch to SyFy but in the wake of such a film I find the trendy insertion of "y" quite appropriate. When exactly did SyFy become the cheesy CGI ridiculous concept film network anyway?


I smell fish, is it Friday?

Fin (Ian Ziering) is a local restaurant owner who discredits his good judgement right off the bat by having been married to April (Tara Reid), a rolling bitch who we can only hope will become shark bait. After being informed way too late (because modern technology is no better for warning then it was in the 1930's) that a major hurricane is about to hit the California coast (it's already there btw) due to global warming (what else is there, duh) he evacuates the restaurant and heads out on a mission to rescue his ex-bitch and his ungrateful kids. With badass waitress Nova and two drunks in tow they face the shark infested streets of LA on a scourge that takes silly to a mind blowing level.



Here are 10 important safety tips for our west coasters should a Sharnado strike at some point:
1. There are no rescue personnel to be found, apparently 911 is completely ineffective in LA, if in need of assistance please call your local self proclaimed heroic restauranteur.
2. Sharks are eating machines,  apparently even being airborne and out of water for hours doesn't effect their insatiable appetite.
3. Leave Tara Reid behind, she's useless and will only slow down your mission.
4. A car with a gas leak will always blow up almost immediately after discovering said leak so be sure to exit the vehicle post haste.
5. A drunk with a bar stool is a handy  ally to have when fighting airborne sharks.
6. Don't stand in one spot for more than 5 seconds or a shark will land on you, most likely teeth first.
7. Get the hell out of LA right now there are thousands of sharks infesting the waters just waiting for a rare pacific hurricane to thrust them into action.
8. Be nice because being an asshole only assures you will die a horrible death.
9. Don't opt for being the comic relief either, this only assures you'll say some goofy one-liner before you meet your demise

And most important of all...

10. If swallowed by a shark be sure to have a live chainsaw on hand.


I literally laughed out loud through the majority of this film, the stark seriousness of the actors only adds to the humor. Watch it with friends, hell, have a Sharknado party for that matter!

8 comments:

Octopunk said...

Awesome. I feel like SyFy's mission really peaked with this one.

This is an excellent review although I must stuffily point out that nobody ever has to tell me to leave Tara Reid behind.

JPX said...

That's an awesome and hilarious review! I love this line,

"After being informed way too late (because modern technology is no better for warning then it was in the 1930's)"

I also love your list of shark survival points. I think this is your best review yet!

I watched this movie pre-Horrorthon and loved every minute of its stupidness.

I think this means that you have to review all the SYFY CGI movies now!

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I think I may have to catch this one although I'm wary of movies that try to be so bad it's good.

Catfreeek said...

JPX, just because you've subjected yourself to the entire Amityville chain does not mean the rest of us have to suffer through every other terrible series. Besides, October isn't long enough to get through all the bad SyFy movies out there.

JPX said...

Come on, Cat, Sharkopolis...

AC said...

i too "enjoyed" this movie prior to the thon; thanks for writing it up catfreeek! though i must (stuffily?) point out you put way more thought into your review than anyone put into the film itself.

my favorite SBIG moment was near the end... involving a certain love interest... can't say more, don't want to "spoil" anything.

HandsomeStan said...

This is the best 2013 review I've seen, fins down, and I've been trying to read them all.

#3 is the best. Like, she finds her way into your entourage no matter what you're trying to escape from. But every point has its own inherent hilariousness. You are brilliant, Cat.

ALL HAIL C-FREEEEK!!!

Catfreeek said...

Thanks Stan! You just made my day:)