Friday, October 11, 2013

Dark House

(2009) zero stars

That's right, zero stars.

Many years ago a deranged woman, Janet Darrode, murdered seven of her foster children for reasons never explained.  Young Claire witnessed these murders after being triple-dog-dared to sneak into the sprawling foster home by friends.  Years later, Claire, now an aspiring actress, still struggles with memories of this traumatic event.  When she is not having nightmares or flashbacks she spends her time in a (high school?  college?) acting class where she hopes to be discovered.

Claire’s acting class is interrupted one day by swishy Walston Rey (Jeffrey Combs!) who wants to hire the class to perform various roles in a haunted house attraction he created at the site of the foster children murders.  Walston wants to impress a group of potential investors and he believes the talents of the young thespians will inspire interest in the project.  Conflicted at first, Claire ultimately agrees to perform at this unusual gig.

Arriving at the house the class is treated to a tour of the “haunted” attraction.  Walston explains that the house is retrofitted with holographs that are projected in various parts of the house to scare patrons (it’s actually a cool idea).  The group is informed that they have a day to rehearse before the potential investors arrive.  Unbeknownst to all, the ghost of Janet Darrode still lurks in the house.  Before long she takes control of the holographs and makes them real.  Soon the students find themselves in a fight for their lives as they try to escape the “dark” house.

Never scarier than a Scooby-Doo caper this low-budget effort has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.  Even Jeffery Combs, who chews the scenery like a large dog with a new milk bone can’t help this very dumb movie.  The acting is atrocious and the FX look like they were drawn on top of the celluloid at times.  Awful.  Don’t believe me?  Try to get through the trailer:


Catfreeek said...

Hey now that's a bit harsh, the garbage disposal scene derserves a 1/2 star at least.

Trevor said...

Wow. zero, huh. It's not great, definitely, but I remember the opening montage with the orphans doing some pretty freaky stuff was worth something.

Also, the picture you posted - anybody else think she is kind of a ripoff of Zelda in Pet Semetary?

AC said...


Octopunk said...

What I find weirdest is the obvious homage to Ray Walston. Why Ray Walston? I like Mr. Hand and obscure references as much as anybody, but that just makes no sense.

Crystal Math said...

Now I'm curious, but not so curious that I'm running out of the apartment to grab a copy.

DCD said...

I watch so few anyway - I definitely don't have time to waste on a zero star outing!

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I love Jeffrey Coombs but he's been in some bona fide stinkers.