Sunday, October 27, 2013

Ankle Biters

I think my wax fangs have fused together.
 2002 Zero Stars

"Three feet tall with two inch fangs and an undying thirst for blood."

Oy Vey! Where do I begin?
My first impression was that it looked and sounded like a bunch of high school kids got hold of a camera and decided to make a film. My next immediate thought: How did they get all these little people to agree to this schlock? Seriously, gansta midgets wearing plastic fangs that don’t fit their mouths. They couldn't even talk right with the fangs in. The film tries desperately to be SBIG (so bad it’s good) but actually it’s just bad, really, really bad. In fact this ranks among the worst films I’ve seen right up there with The Item and Slaughtered Vomit Dolls.




We have a gang of dwarf vampires who get possession of a sword that gives them the power to turn one big guy into a slave vampire to do all their heavy lifting. Then we have their rivals, a Blade-like hybrid vampire dude and his tiny sidekick who have come to exterminate the vermin. Sounds like it should be a blast but its nothing of the sort.


This gang would be more frightening

First of all, the sound keeps getting loud and soft, truly maddening, not that the dialog itself is worth a good listen. I spent most of the film adjusting the volume to accommodate the crappy sound editing. Makes me wonder if the director even previewed the film before distributing it. The fight sound effects are so lame they are laughable, about the only laugh the film delivers. The fight scenes themselves are ridiculously bad, the punches clearly miss and you can see the other non-fighting characters waiting around for their turn to be on camera.


Pig pile on JPX!
When the dwarf vampires attack it looks more like a pig pile then an actual attack. There are blood smears on the victims but never a bite mark or wound to be found. The length of the film is padded with long scenes of people driving around and the soundtrack is an atrociously annoying mix of death metal/punk/country badness. I’m thinking since JSP enjoyed The Item oh so much it is my civil duty to mail Ankle Biters off to California next year so he can partake in the glory of it as well. Don’t worry JSP, it’s only an hour and a half of your life.

7 comments:

Octopunk said...

"...you can see the other non-fighting characters waiting around for their turn to be on camera."

God that's one of my least favorite things ever! Consider the team taken one for. Wait that's not right.

AC said...

this may be the worst movie reviewed this year, although jpx has also caught some stinkers.

JPX said...

That really does sound homemade and awful. Even the screen shots you chose look awful. Where the heck do you find these C-level movies?

Catfreeek said...

Tony takes full responsibility for this one.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

That's got to be the dumbest sounding movie since Buttcrack or Retardead.

The Item was utterly ridiculous! I'm reviewing that one soon...

Catfreeek said...

I'll be shipping this off to you soon ;)

DCD said...

This whole thing just cracks me up!