From CHUD, In Twin Peaks, when Bob killed his notable second season victim, the Giant appeared to Dale Cooper* and uttered a line that has been part of my lexicon ever since: "It is happening again." Spoken with incredible gravitas, it implies bad things that cannot be stopped.So the line wells up from within me every time a guy with tuberculosis gets on a plane, whenever my parents have sex, or when Devin reaches for his legal-size printout of that photo of Emma Watson slugging a Corona. And now.
It is happening again.
Canada has allowed Uwe Boll to penetrate it's borders once more, and like a virally rancid sperm breaching a pristine egg, he comes carrying cameras and storyboards. Hopefully one of the locals has already tried to sell his company a normal map of Vancouver. The film will be shooting there and in nearby bits of gorgeous for the next couple months.
I feel like I should immediately be able to convey some sort of hope for the project based on the C.V.s of the cast, but I won't. I know that Til Schweiger (playing Jack Carver) was in King Arthur and Tomb Raider 2, and that Emmanuelle Vaugier (as Valerie Cardinal) probably has internal genitalia. But that's it, really. (Not quite; after a moment of staring like a dead fish, I remember Ms. Vaugier from Carpenter's Masters of Horror effort and a handful of other films, too.) Don Davis is also in the mix, which is justification enough for the Peaks opening I used above.
There's a tiny part of me that wants to suggest that Boll might be less prone to perfectly boning this movie, but I think we all recognize that the chances of Boll making a coherent movie about a guy fighting in the jungle against corporate mercenaries and creatures are about equal to me being able to bring home Famke Janssen and amoebic dysentery from the same bar on the same night.Far Cry fans, I wish you the best of luck, but I think I'd rather just play with my Wii.
* Spoilers? It's been fifteen years, you pussies.
2 comments:
Octopunk is back at his desk! Prepare for my unique wisdom!
Uwe Boll sucks.
I could actually conceive of a world in which Boll's efforts generated something like enjoyment in the audience, but the thing about him is he doesn't care. As a filmmaker, he behaves as if putting together a coherent movie that doesn't feel like it's made of cardboard and staples is just not worth his time.
"Uwe Boll sucks"?
That's some "unique wisdom," all right. :)
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