Terry and the Pirates

(1940) ****



It’s recently come to my attention that I am no longer a mere fan of cliff hanger serials, I am now a collector. My wife pointed this out to me when she observed me beaming with joy after purchasing a 15 chapter DVD of Terry and the Pirates last weekend. Cliff hanger serials were popular in the 1930-50’s where they aired in theaters before the main feature. Most serials run 12-15 episodes with each episode ending with the hero facing certain death. The audience was forced to wait until next week to see how they made it out of the impossible bind (such as getting blown up in a plane or being engulfed lava). The (ahem) art form died in the 50’s when television episodes rendered them obsolete.

WHY SERIALS ARE SO VERY IMPORTANT

Because there are so many reasons to love these serials, I’ll mention only the most essential.

1) The stories are completely absurd, often contradicting the basic rules that they establish.

2) It’s fascinating to see the blatant racism/sexism go entirely unnoticed.

3) You’re pretty much guaranteed 1-2 super intense brawls per episode

4) The 15-20 minute episodes are ideal for my hectic lifestyle. I can watch one each night and be hungry for the next installment.

5) If you’re watching a serial from 1940, there is a 0.0% chance of stumbling into Kathy Griffin or Ben Affleck.

WHICH BRINGS US TO TERRY AND THE PIRATES

I’ll try to summarize this incredible series as best I can. Terry, a blonde haired goofball with a “gee willikers!” catchphrase, is searching for his father in the jungle so that he can deliver some important documents regarding a secret civilization led by the Dragon Lady. His other allies include the real hero Pat (who kicks ass every 7 minutes or so), the lovely Normandie and the mysterious giant in the funny hat known as Big Stoop. Big Stoop does not say much but when he does choose to speak, pay attention: his words will be redundant, nonsensical or entirely forgettable.

Terry and the gang have some stiff opposition in the form of Fang, the Chinese ruler of the local primitive tribe. Fang’s goal is to obtain the secret treasures of the Dragon Lady and his means are devious and ruthless. To describe Fang accurately is close to impossible. Picture the absolute worst Chinese impersonation you’ve ever heard and mix that with a New Jersey accent and you may scratch the surface. Occasionally his accent dips into Russian territory and other times it evokes a hint of French. Fang looks positively ridiculous and he wears a tea kettle on his head. When I first laid eyes on him and heard his mind-numbing voice, I hated every single thing about him. Strangely enough, as I watched more episodes, I could no longer remember life without him. The tribe that he rules (known as leopard men) consist of white males in striped bath robes and leopard masks, all wielding spears. They’re not too bright but they can administer serious beatings when they get the upper hand. Before I forget, there’s also the guy in the monkey suit and the guy who tames the guy in the monkey suit. I was never able to grasp their motives; they seemed to be mainly focused on chasing Normandie around. Incidentally, when Normandie is scared, she screams so piercingly loud that it may cause migraines. Aside from that she’s pretty cool.

And that’s pretty much it, really. In each episode Fang acts like a complete bastard and the good guys are either a) getting kidnapped or b) rescuing one another from being kidnapped. Long before Indiana Jones debuted, Terry and his gang were already familiar with closing walls, pits of spikes and primitive human sacrifices. Great stuff all around.

Oh yeah, and as far as I could tell, there was not a single pirate to be seen.