Rant: Teens Prove How Little They Know About Film

From Cinemablend, I hate teenagers. No, I’m not a surly old man, but it seriously angers me how quickly they buy into stupid trends. Abercrombie and Fitch, The X Games, eating a balanced diet, they get suckered into all these idiotic marketing ploys like it’s their job, and as a result, everyone out of high school is continually bombarded with advertisements for things that we’ll never purchase and movies that we have no interest in seeing. Well, I’m sick of it, and the results of a new “Teen Topix” survey just may force me to take action.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, when asked what their most anticipated upcoming film was, kiddies between the ages of thirteen and seventeen chose Saw IV. Are you kidding me? Saw IV? The first three abominations were so bad that I prayed to God for leprosy, but that soothing pain still hasn’t come. National Treasure: Book Of Secrets, Mama’s Boy, Fred Clause, and I Am Legend rounded out the top five. I don’t even know what’s more offensive: National Treasure and the ill-advised “truth behind the Lincoln assignation plot” or Jon Heder and his idiotic brand of comedy in Mama’s Boy. Jesus, I hate children.

After overwhelmingly fucking up the answer to the first question, the idiot wastes of sperm were asked a follow-up where they could try to redeem themselves, but they failed and brought shame to their entire families. The second query required them to name the hottest male actor working today, and they chose Zac Efron. You probably have no idea who that ugly bitch is (lucky for you), but in case you were wondering, he is the star of High School Musical and resembles every douche bag I’ve ever wanted to mock. His brand of nerd chique is so offensive on the eyes that it makes Ed Gein’s lady-skin lamp shade look like Marilyn Monroe. Can someone please tell me how he’s hotter than Johnny Depp? I think those cricket noises speak for themselves.