Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Repent, Ye Horrorthonners! The End Is Nigh! Haiku Hump Day Presents: Armageddon. Ragnarok. Judgement Day. The End Of The World.

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Now, don’t go getting depressed about this. Here’s a subject I’ve always found fascinating, especially in these charged times we live in now. Every single culture throughout history has evolved a different legend or legends surrounding our demise as a people. The Bible has The Flood PLUS Revelations (two different world endings!), the Vikings had Ragnarok, which comes from two words, ragna, meaning “a bunch of different Marvel comics characters,” and rok, which means “fuck up the whole world.”

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I must confess to a certain eyebrow-raising when it comes to the approaching end-date of the Mayan calendar, usually pegged at December 21, 2012 (some have it as the 23rd). A vanished civilization perfects a way to count thousands of years into the past and future, and that same vanished civilization believed that the Earth had five ages’ worth of life.

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The fifth and last age, or cycle, started in 3114 BC and ends in 2012 AD. An odd coincidence with both the Hebrew “start date” for the Earth (4000 BC), and the overall length of the Age of Pisces (ending around now, with the Age of Aquarius next…)

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If you start to look at the overall accelerated pace of life over the last century, and our quantum leaps forward in technology, warfare and sheer numbers of people around, it doesn’t take an Al Gore to start to wonder how long our present pace and growth can be sustained, and whether or not we’re bucking towards some kind of major shift.

Granted, we’ve been through dozens and dozens of supposed “End of the World” dates in our lifetimes. December 31st, 1999 came and went without one plane dropping out of the sky or one single appearance by any former Jewish carpenters.

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And we’ve passed through some very real scary times, where it looked like we might bring about our own end.

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"Sooooooo 1962. Borrrrrr-rrrrrrring!!!"

I’ve always been a fan of the Big Death Comet. There’s pretty much no arguing with this one. And I loved the Merry Christmas post on the blog last year with this video.

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"Maybe we can just hide in the basement for a while."

It’s my personal view that some sort of momentous Thing is coming soon. I don’t believe it will be widespread death & destruction, nor will it be ANYTHING even remotely religious or spiritual. The End Of The World As We Know It will be simply that: an end to the way things have been done previously. It may be a gradual process, or it may not be. But my money is on technology, and how it will lead us directly to a singularity where the very real concept of the Hive Mind will render our prior ways of thinking and interacting with each other pretty much moot. Except for the red states.

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See Also

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So, whether you think the whole concept is a load of hooey, or you’re deeply convinced that we’re a hair’s breadth away from worldwide catastrophe, or maybe you just really can’t stand the sound of Michael Stipe’s voice, give us your best 17 syllables on The End Of The World As We Know It.

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"REPENT!!!"

45 comments:

HandsomeStan said...

Howdy, gang! I'm sure this will be a very uplifting haiku subject for everyone. (Cut to: Thursday, when I award myself the prize for having 1 total comment)

Anyway, I'm working until the wee hours tonight, so I'll check in as often as I can. Remember, don't forget about aliens, or climate change, or what you'd do with your last hours, etc.

Here we go:

A bunch of insects
Plus some disease and hunger
Lame Revelations

ChaCha, Pandora,
The Internet and cell phones
Soon head chips = Hive Mind!

Can’t wait to find out
Which religion is correct
Probably not mine

Fireworks needed
If Jesus floats down to us
THEN I’ll change channels

Aliens arrive
That'll be an awesome day
Call in sick to work

AC said...

come on, guys! can't leave
handsome stan hanging. let's see,
i bet: zombie hordes!

(maybe because i'm
reading dana's "world war z"
- zombies on the brain.)

AC said...

pandemic humor
if swine flu DID wipe us out
i might die laughing

AC said...

last moment wishes:
call my brother, hug husband,
then devour his brain

HandsomeStan said...

Poor Mr. AC
Just wanted to watch the news
Zombie wife hungry!

(Thanks for the zombie reminder, AC! Completely forgot about THAT scenario...)

HandsomeStan said...

A big worldwide flood
All animals to The Ark!
Are those ducks smirking?

HandsomeStan said...

Got Bruce and Arnold
Only ones we need against
Comets and robots

AC said...

star trek tos
had it covered: a doomsday
machine run amok

not God, but nature
revolts and strikes us all down:
killer platypi!

bitter hypnotist
stages mass induction; all
commit suicide.

JPX said...

The end of the world
R.E.M. says we’ll feel “fine”
I hate R.E.M.

The last day on Earth
What would you do with your time?
I think I’d get drunk

What if you were sick
on the day the world ended?
That would kind of suck

I would rather die,
the day before the world ends
Ignorance is bliss

Catfreeek said...

Twenty twelve the end
Def Leppard cd sales soar!
Armageddon it!

Horrorthon ending
Flesh eating ghouls take over
Zombie nation rules!

Nukes, flu, meteor
flood,famine,plague?Pat spins wheel
Vanna shows our fate

Far fetched you may say
why not end as a game show
just somehow seems right

Catfreeek said...

My comforting thought?
JPX on pig planet
still makes me giggle

Johnny Sweatpants said...

We all slowly choke
Humans can no longer breathe
In the atmosphere

One day left to live
Sex with anything that moves
Anything that moves

Pondering the end
Will not get you anywhere
Why not play Pacman?

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Don't get me started
On the things that annoy me
About REM

Friggin' Nightswimming
"You cannot see me naked"
We don't want to Stipe

AC said...

a ghastly image
jsp humps platypus
as it rends his flesh

Catfreeek said...

Ok here's the scene JSP just painted into my mind.

JSP is here
end of world announced on news
grabs one of my cats

Cat freaks,Catfreeek freaks
grabs a cast iron skillet
whomps JSP's head

Cat runs off wailing
news lady says, "April fools!"
JSP bled out

Catfreeek now panicked
buries him in the back yard
then shoots the tv

She ponders his Mom
and thinks, "She's right, I am the
spawn of Satan, damn!"

Catfreeek said...

A last day nightmare
stuck in an elevator
with Richard Simmons

JPX said...

The end of the world
Religious nuts have last laugh
"See, we told you so!"

By time the world ends
We will have colonized mars
Humanity lives!

One refreshing thought
No more Gov. Sarah Palin
See, it's not so bad

JPX said...

With all my bad luck
I will pay off my mortgage
The day Earth blows up

Catfreeek said...

The end of the world
it happens on a Tuesday
Damn! Gonna miss Lost

Catfreeek said...

If I survive it
I'm all about a dismal
Sci-fi style future

I'll have adventures
Post Apocalyptic style
Like Mad Max or Knights

Johnny Sweatpants said...

How can the world end
If it never existed?
Chew on that, Curly

HandsomeStan said...

Pestilence, disease,
Hunger, and a Fifth Horseman!
JSP's ex-wife!

(after sex with a robot, and then the platypii and cats, I couldn't resist...)

Johnny Sweatpants said...

If Jesus returned
I would scold him for sending
Such mixed messages

JPX said...

Dying in your sleep
the night before the world ends
Would be poetic

Catfreeek said...

If it's a plague death
and all humans are wiped out
what about my cats?

If it's a famine
people would beat down my door
to eat my poor cats

If it's a big nuke
gather the family to die
the cats come with us

Catfreeek said...

A weird plague hits us
But humans not effected
death by zombie cats

JPX said...

Imagine the horror
You're in the space shuttle
And the Earth explodes

After the world ends
There would be no one to haunt
Ghost obsolescence

Catfreeek said...

As far as end songs
I'm not choosing REM
I'll go with The Doors

Catfreeek said...

I'm just hoping that
if I die a sudden death
I'm not on toilet

Catfreeek said...

A Horrible thought
future Archaeologists
my corpse on toilet

Catfreeek said...

More embarrassing
JSP sudden death scene
just think about it

JPX said...

I hope it ends quick
Not some horrible disease
Just an explosion

What if you survived?
I'd head to the library
With extra glasses

Dana's Brain said...

Life After People
History Channel's new show
Kind of addictive

Humans get wiped out
Yet animals and plants thrive
How come they're immune?

Had yourself frozen?
Bummer for you when the gas
goes off. I'm melting!

Always remember!
If you're the last person left,
Have extra glasses!

HandsomeStan said...

The one thing to do
Play eighteen holes right away
No more lawnmowers

Dogs and cat zombies
There's something for everyone
Romero's next one

Catfreeek said...

Wouldn't it be fun
To waste away that last day
With some Cheech & Chong

The positive side
no more bills, work or sickness
so what if your dead

Worst scenario
Jehovah Witness is right
so they survive it

World of Jehovah's
Whose doors would they knock on then
I'd rather be dead

50PageMcGee said...

Unhappiest: Pets
When we go, how will they eat?
Chewing their own paws

When the moment comes
Plan ahead: be home early
Not stuck in traffic

When you know it's time
Make sure you have clean undies
What would God think? Slob.

5OP's last day
Say bye to the family
Get caught up on LOST

Octopunk said...

When everyone's gone
I'm heading to the toy store
For all the Legos

Octopunk said...

What about nanites?
My dissembler horde escaped
We're gonna be sludge

Octopunk said...

I fought dissemblers
With dissembler dissemblers
Aaaand we're all sludge now

Octopunk said...

When the comet comes
Taking lead from coyote
Small pink parasol

50PageMcGee said...

"Aaaand" should count as more than one syllable.

HandsomeStan said...

I sincerely hope that when Judgement Cometh, it's a haiku competition for the human race. MOST of this blog would be welcomed as the new Kings and Queens of Heaven. Or, for the atheists among us, reincarnated as sentient bolts of lightning that strike down stupid people for pleasure. (Do atheists believe in reincarnation? Probably not, but how cool would it be to be a bolt of lightning?)

As always, a monstrously difficult choice faces me, especially with Octopunk opening his usual Seventeen Seals at 10 seconds until Rapture. If Haiku Hump Day had an All-Star Team, it's everyone that showed up this week for my (horrible downer of a) topic. (My other option was Pornography, but I'll save that for another time. Start with Death, then go to Sex is my motto. Which is a terrible, terrible motto.)

Aaaaaand, I'm reviewing everything over a nice cold adult beverage after returning from a 17-hour day at 3am. I may very well sleep on this, and let my haunted, apocalyptic subconscious help me out overnight.

It is always my utmost pleasure and honor to be amongst you crazy cats. Gives me hope for the future of the human race...

Anonymous said...

Survival group against God?? LOL. Good luck with that. Truth is, no one knows the exact time this will happen except the man upstairs, however, I firmly believe that there are people placed here by God that post the warning signs and it's up to you to take heed.
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]new world 2012
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