Apologies for the late start! When HHD was young and foolish, there were two topics I thought deserved revisitation: Star Wars and this one. Star Wars played its hand in the HHD's gritty reboot a few weeks back, and that day I vowed to my assembled legions* that I would bring back this topic first chance I got.
Handsome Stan garnered an impressive 135 responses that day, because as a group we have a healthy distaste for reality. I say: Give me less reality! I played a round of Angry Birds not five minutes ago, goddammit!
*(of Lego people)
My rules are broad: haiku, limerick, free verse, sonnet, prose if you're feeling up to it -- just spin some phat woids and then get back to your joysticks and paddle controllers.
I'm keeping this intro short because it's already past lunch in the Ice Belt (formerly known as the East Coast). And I'll be accepting submissions until noon tomorrow, California time.
Here's our HHD offerings on the topic, for inspiration.
Zap zap! Pyeww!
38 comments:
He rocked at our favorite game
But in choosing initials was lame
He got it right when
I did it again
And now JPX is his name
After 3 years of begging him please
Tony bucked up and bought me a Wii
Now I'm jumping around
Like an amputee clown
for all of my neighbors to see
I did not know it
My life's ambition to see
An amputee clown
Mario Kart is most fun
Sling a shell at your partner then run
but there's room to improve
to upgrade the groove
please build me a front mounted gun
I have a knack for puzzle games
though most folks find them drab
I think that they enhance the mind
and find them rather fab
I try to keep my thinking sharp
sometimes its pretty tough
Perhaps the years I drugged it up
left my brain kinda rough
If puzzles keep me on the ball
I've no cause to complain
but I can't guarantee their worth
cause I'm not so sure I'm sane
He tried his darn best
To win at Pole Position
Wasn't fast enough
He blamed me for this
Though he already had lost
Took it out on me
Killed my character
During gam of Jungle Hunt
He's a sore loser
Who is it, you ask?
Who lost at Pole Position?
Why Octo, of course!
Don't listen to whining and scheming
The facts might not be how they're seeming
The real truth be told
He touched my controls!
I sent his guy off to die screaming
Playing Ms. Pac-Man with Sweatpants
He strikes an pompous game-playing stance
My Pac goes Hereafter
I hear arrogant laughter
I want to fill his ears with fire ants
Would my car have got to the finish?
In truth chances were looking slimmish
But my mouth I'm not shuttin'
"Keep your mitts off my buttons!"
Matters not if I'm lose-ish or win-ish.
And Sweatpants? My god, just don't start
Best him and he'll take you apart
Enjoy your high score
It'll soon be no more
He's got vid controls for a heart
Capture my ship back
Eat double, space bumblebee
The Galaga Way
(more to come, swamped this week & last - I'm horrible)
Dark and dreary
Horror film lovers delight
exploring abandoned buildings
looking for clues
Fuck Pyramid Head
Falling ash shrouds the town
the mystery begins to unravel
deep in the bowels of a forgotten place
almost there so very close
Fuck Pyramid Head
Fatal Frame
scariest game
tried to beat it
but I was lame
O Mortal Kombat
you baffle my pot soaked brain
can't remember the moves
so I just push random buttons
my character writhing and punching
looking like an amputee clown
until the inevitable "Finish Him!"
I am beheaded
Blinky is red
Inky is blue
Clyde rhymes with nothing
There's a chick ghost named Sue
There once was a game called Zaxxon
Which is a really good game to crap on
You fly into walls
The game's hard as balls
I'd rather be raped with a strap-on
Sub Zero got his own game
unfortunately it was lame
so it sat on the shelf
traded for something else
it wasn't his claim to fame
d
o
w
n
forward
kcab kcab
HIGH kick
*dragon eats head*
-----------------
p p
u u
d d
o o
w w
n n
left right
left right
B
A
Start
*30 lives*
Stan and Sweatpants kicked ass
at Mortal Kombat and talking trash
They fancied themselves pretty sly
for making my little boys cry
til Zeke learned their nuts he could bash
The little bastard deserved it
My crotch, he really hurt it
Shoved his head in the couch
Cuz I'm a hungover grouch
His kick, I should have observed it
Mortal K and that wrestling game
You and Sweatpants are to blame
with Johnny Cage crushing nuts
and you two jerks kicking their butts
It's no wonder my boys are damaged
after the way you blindly ravaged
Now Zeke's a master of Kombat
longing for your guts to splat
Paul's frat life has made him able
to drink you both under the table
Now it all makes perfect sence
It was all of your bad influence
Dussault children fall
Ephemeral blossoms drift
BWAAAAAH HAW HAW HAW HAWWWWW
There's a variation of the game Centipede
Based on the film "Human Centipede"
It's genius, by the way:
That digestive array
means three people have only one mouth to feed
still not my topic
but after blanking last week
compelled to write some
----------------
often after school
i battled space invaders
in lieu of homework
i still remember
flipping the score to zero
but when did i pee?
-----------
i hate asteroids
makes me panic instantly
must be a girl thing
-----------
recent summer day
hit the beach arcade with jon
didn't play one game
jon made up for me
he would have played all the games
cups full of quarters
i did the girl thing
watching him admiringly
and eating popcorn
-----------
see? not my topic
but i had to play a bit
just to join the fun
I understand your plight AC
most games I leave to my Tony
he fights and kills a faceless hoard
with bats and guns or a great big sword
if I were to try I'd start to panic
games like that will drive me manic
I'll stick to puzzles or the net
writing poems won't make me sweat
still I could watch him fight all day
just please don't ask if I want to play
Enough of this life
Wish for eternal Game Grid
Suck my wall, Yellow
A thousand or less
First man on first cherry board
Grounds for Pac-i-cide
Enter Frogger
(sung to the tune of "Enter Sandman")
Say your prayers
Little frog
Don't forget in the bog
You gotta hit every log
You hop the lane
Street's called "Main"
Keep away from pain
Til the Frogger he fro-o-ogs
Got both frog eyes open
Gripping the tarmac tight
CHORUS:
Trucks from right
Glad it's not night
Get off dry land
Off to Lilly Pad Land
Something's wrong, cars ahead
Wanna be Not Dead
Better hop back instead
Dreams of trucks
Dreams of cars
Dreams of tailgating cars
All these things make me dead, yeah
Got both frog eyes open
Gripping the tarmac tight
CHORUS:
Hey all right
River's in my sight
Hate that land
Off to Lilly Pad Lane
(solo)
Hush little froggie, don't say a word
And never mind that snake you heard
It's just the beast all on your log
Sinking turtle - get back to the log!
CHORUS:
Gator right
Speedboat might
Take a stand
Logs move right
Pad's on the left
Ain't this grand
Wedged into Lilly Pad Land
(I rushed this)
Sun rises again
Another lame Moon Patrol
REPORT: rocks still gray
He pedals down Easy Street, chipper
Just a normal kid chucking newspaper
Bees, cats, trikes, construction
Not uncommon obstructio--
OH MY GOD! IT'S THE FUCKING GRIM REAPER!
Still don't get Tempest
Flashing blue lights, scrolly ball
Clusterfuck of sounds
Mario Kart War
Happy Sunny Orlando
Motherfucker's on
If you only knew
What I'm gonna do to you
Tomorrow morning
I’m known as the crazy Baraka
I’m from parts unknown or Kamchaka
I’ll chop off your head
Then stab your ass dead
Or end with “friendship” just to mock ya
"Sorry I was late
I was playing Ms. Pacman"
Marc's 1st impression
Congratulations? Why thank you
I know I’m better than you
Yes of course, it’s just a game
I beat your ass, just sayin’
I took Stan’s Ms. Pacman score
With his ass I mopped the floor
On his own machine no less
His integrity’s a mess
Octo also felt my wrath
My Super Pacman warpath
Bitch slapped his high score and laughed
His limp game looked rather daft
Once JPX and I crossed
He discovered who was boss
Fifty’s chops are poor at best
He fell victim like the rest
I pac circles around you
I get all the ghosts and fruit
You get nervous then you die
Should I laugh or should I sigh?
This time what is your excuse?
Broken joystick? Mother Goose?
The harsh truth- you can’t compete
Johnny Sweatpants can’t be beat
Trash talking between Liu Kang & Johnny Cage
(in the spirit of the altercation at the end Biddies in the BK Lounge by De La Soul)
Excuse me, while I kick your face in
Bicycle kick
Then I’ll shoot some fire all over your dick
Oh yes, now I recognize
The Bruce Lee knockoff who surely die
Save your quarters and go buy me some fries
Nice try
But you can keep those lies
‘Cuz you know you can’t beat me but you’re peeving me off
You picked Johnny Cage so I know that you’re soft
You’re as goofy as they come and you suck at this game
And you know that the green balls you hurl are just lame
Another soaring kick?
Well I shouldn’t be surprised
It’s the only move that you know
And you do it all the time
Look
What?
Here comes one more
But I blocked it
Then punched your balls to the floor
Have a shadow kick
Take another to the chest
There’s no shame in getting fucked up by the best
Wow
Don’t you think you’re cool?
But the truth is I was toying
And you look like a fool
At any point I could have ended this match
I turn into a dragon just to bite you in half
Wow, just made the deadline!
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