Tuesday, October 17, 2006

The Cold (aka The Game)

(1984) **1/2

Once upon a time
In a far away resort
3 millionaire eccentrics
played a game for fun and sport
Games like tennis, golf, and cribbage
did no longer suit their image
Oh yes, in years gone by
these games were played
But now those same old games
seemed dull and staged
So they devised another plan
Once a year they got together
with their ready cash on hand
to recruit a group of players
who succumb to their demands
So let the games begin now
The players ready
Our tale’s begun
The rich arrived to start their game
a game for fame, for laughs, for fun?

I was delighted that this poetic narration opened The Cold because I knew that it was going to be my plot summary. If it’s not clear, 3 old farts bring 9 strangers to an old mansion to play “the game”. Although the rules are never made clear, the idea is that the old farts will spend the weekend scaring the hell out of the unsuspecting guests and whoever remains by the end of the weekend will receive a million clams.

What’s funny about this is just how lame the “scares” are. Given that these are millionaires with unlimited funds at their disposal, you’d think that they’d come up with some clever ways to scare the crap out of the contestants. If you think that you’d be wrong. Instead we get such low rent fare as, a fake shark fin in the swimming pool, lots of dry ice effects, spiders, a snake in the pool, fake skeletons in the closet, and, well, you get the drift. Although this is all just a “game”, the contestants freak out easily over these cheap scares, screaming at the top of their lungs. Eventually things go too far and someone is killed. The film, although strangely entertaining, completely crumbles at the end. Even the narrator exclaims that he doesn’t know what the hell is going on. Suddenly the film ends, no credits, no nuttin’, just like this review.


Octopunk said...

That poem sucks!

Octopunk said...

When I worked in children's books I had the opportunity to review miles of bad poetry submitted by the public. That one has some serious rhythm flaws, and would likely get the standard form letter, IF they included a SASE. Otherwise, we'd just toss it.

Summerisle said...

Omigod, I was gonna post the same thing but Octo beat me to it!

I'mnotMarcbutmyboyfriendis said...

that's so funny that you knew you were going to put it in your review. because when i first read it, i knew i was going to pull my own eyeballs out and eat them. doggerel.

DCD said...

I almost think sometimes I can skip the reviews and just read the comments - man you guys keep me laughing...I am getting NO work done this morning!

JPX said...

"I am getting NO work done this morning!"

Yeah, me either!