Sunday, October 29, 2006

Return of the Living Dead 2

(1988) **

Years ago, a chemical company developed a biological weapon for the military known as Trioxin. Because it was so incredibly dangerous, experiments were ceased and the gas was buried. I'm not sure exactly what was in Trioxin but I suspect it's a whole lotta bullshit. A smug little boy and the two bullies harassing him stumble into a tank of the toxic gas. "I don't think you should be playing around with that!" pleads the boy who knows everything. "Shut up wimp. Finders keepers!" retorts the bully as I die a little inside. The gas is released into a graveyard, the dead crawl out of their graves and voila - you have another zombie flick. And a big old 80's zombie flick at that.

There are so many problems with ROTLD2 that I don't know where to begin. Physically, the zombies have more in common with the ghouls from Michael Jackson's Thriller video than those in any self-respecting zombie movie. Secondly, they don't really adhere to any consistent zombie laws. For example, a girl punches one zombie and his face melts. Ten minutes later a different zombie gets an axe to the head and he removes it himself, unfazed. These zombies are also capable of driving cars and talking, though their communication skills mainly consist of repeatedly shouting "BRAINS!!!"

The characters are all infuriating and the sense of humor is painfully outdated.

And then there's the boy. As everyone (save those in ROTLD2) knows, children have no place in zombie movies. This particular kid is of the condescending smartass ilk that all of the adults treat as an equal. What really kills me is how confident he is every step of the way. It's as if he knows he's a kid in a zombie movie who is sure make it out unscathed. Little punk... By my calculations, I reckon he's about 28 years old now, certainly old enough to be slapped hard in the face and glared at. Then I would point at him as if to say "you know why you're being slapped."

Despite all this, I paused the movie when using the facilities. After all, any swarm of zombies is better than no swarm of zombies.

1 comment:

I'mnotMarcbutmyboyfriendis said...

that picture is hilarious. great review overall. i especially liked the slap and finger-point bit at the end.

reminded me of this dream i had once. i'd seen the video for michael jackson's "bad" earlier in the day and noted the young wesley snipes as the lead guy of the opposing gang.

that night in my dream, i was hanging out with WS and he and i were exchanging insults. i saved my clutch insult for the end, saying, "oh yeah? well 'who's bad?'" to which he tilted his head back, winced and let out a defeated sigh.