Thursday, October 12, 2006
Amidst a bitter divorce Dahlia (Jennifer Connelly) and her young daughter, Ceci (yeah I know, stupid name), move into to the world’s shittiest apartment on Roosevelt Island because the rent is less than $1000 and it is located near a good school. Almost immediately Dahlia notices a disgusting, black, wet stain in the corner of Ceci’s ceiling, however she is reassured by her landlord that his maintenance guy is on the case. Things rapidly go from bad to worse as this stain begins to spread. Additionally, the apartment elevator only works intermittently and the washing machines are just plain creepy. Meanwhile Ceci discovers a Hello Kitty backpack on the roof, which might have a connection to her new imaginary friend, Natasha and Dahlia keeps hearing footsteps in the vacant apartment above her, ultimately discovering that it’s practically under water because all the taps are on full blast. Is the apartment haunted? What’s the significance of all the damn water? I won’t spoil it here but the punch line is pretty underwhelming. If you’ve seen The Ring you’ve already seen a much better version of this story.
Okay I’m not a fan of dysthymic Jennifer Connelly. She has one expression, resigned ennui, which looks like this,
Here she is in The Hulk,
And A Beautiful Mind,
Hey listen, I’m all for exposing American audiences to J-horror but rather than remaking these movies why not just release the original source material? Okay, I understand that Americans don’t like to read subtitles or see people that don’t look like them. Idiots. “But what about The Ring?” you ask. Yes, The Ring surpassed Ringu in every respect but this is the only exception I can think of. For the most part these J-horror remakes have been tepid (e.g., The Grudge) or just plain awful (e.g., Pulse). Still if you have tons of Japanese horror films to choose from, it’s perplexing to me that Dark Water would be selected for remake. Quite frankly the original was pretty damn dull and the story could’ve been told in 30 minutes or less. The same could be said for the remake. Despite a bleak ending (good), most of the film involved a lot of shots of water (bad) and Jennifer Connelly looking serious (see above). Also it’s completely unrealistic that Connelly would move into this decrepit apartment with her little girl. Within two seconds of walking into this place you would recoil in horror. Seriously an outhouse would be a more hospitable dwelling. Unless you’re really in the mood for a glacially-paced movie, skip Dark Water.