Monday, October 30, 2006

Memorial Day

(1999) *

It's not easy wielding a 5-star or a 1-star. Those are spectacular ratings. I don't want to feel as though I'm cheapening them by applying them to an undeserving film. I've given four films a 5 star rating. Nobody is going to have a problem with my issuing 5 stars to the Shining or Wicker Man (except, as previously discussed, my mom). The other 5 star ratings were to TCM:B and the Dawn of the Dead remake -- whether they are deserving of 5 stars apiece is debatable. The other guys gave them between 4 and 5 stars, so I felt like I was stepping out on a limb, but not very far.

I haven't given a single 1 star rating this year until now. Leprechaun 3 and My Bloody Valentine came close, but I could come up with at least a small handful of feeble excuses for why they're better than this movie. Leprechaun 3's only saving grace was that it was a Leprechaun movie and had other installments to give it some cred, but at least I chuckled once or twice watching it. For this one all I could do was roll my eyes and consider all of the things I could have better spent 1:21 of my life doing. For instance, I could have been devising a more efficient method for grating cheese, or I could have rearranged my sock drawer, or I could have, I dunno, watched a better horror movie. We're coming down to the wire here. I felt cheated to spend any time on this dreck.

This movie put itself south of the Mendoza Line in the first 30 seconds: Make out scene featuring excessive kissing and eating noises (there was fruit involved) between two not very attractive teens. My geiger counter kicked up momentarily when the girl takes her shirt off, but the goodwill in my heart wrought by her just-OK boobs was obliterated during the credit sequence which featured a really, really lame punk song.

I've already accorded this movie far more words than it deserves, so it gets nothing but phrases from here on out. Lousy music throughout; boring, unlikeable characters; overuse of the word "bra" as in, "yo, what's up bra"; terrible acting with completely misplaced emotion from every single performer; almost home-video level video quality; meandering and unpunchy dialogue; uncreative gore with 99 cent special effects...

Ironic title; nothing memorable about this movie.


Summerisle said...

My word, Memorial Day? That pretty much covers all the holidays, or was there an Easter one? I'm waiting for Carnage on Columbus Day.

I think Octo & JPX have taken the last 2 days off to chug horror movies. They'll undoubtedly be writing reviews all through November. Should there be a deadline? All reviews in by 11/15?

Octopunk said...

I can't speak for JPX, but I haven't missed any work this month at all. My last couple of days have been consumed by Halloween events, with movies crammed in when I can. Just like the last two years.

I'm down with the 11/15 deadline, although I hope to get everything out by the end of this week, since there's no more movie watching after tonight. You do get burned out, though. Sheesh.

I'mnotMarcbutmyboyfriendis said...

yo, you remember when you got to the end of the horrorthon and you'd be like, "i'm tiiuhhd, i'm so tiuhd."

JPX said...

Yep, I took the last 2 days off, suckas.

JPX said...

The bad guy looks like Michael Myers wearing Jason's mask, how lame.

I'mnotMarcbutmyboyfriendis said...

i have no idea what that cover is all about. the mask in the movie looked nothing like that. i think the little figure on the cover is properly masked, but that big hockey mask thing? not from this movie.

Octopunk said...

"The bad guy looks like Michael Myers wearing Jason's mask."

Ha! That's exactly right. Man, I want to make a knockoff horror movie someday, it looks so easy.

You took two days off? Grrrrr.