'10,000 B.C.': They should've tried a more interesting year

By Claudia Puig, USA TODAY

Within a few minutes into the ponderous prehistoric pseudo-epic that is 10,000 B.C., you find yourself longing for George of the Jungle to crash into a tree or the Geico cavemen to amble up and put an end to the droning seriousness of this tedious tale. Heck, even a cameo by Pauly Shore in Encino Man would liven up this bombastic bore.
With a bevy of trendy dreadlock 'dos, well-toned bodies and an array of bad accents, the movie is like a satire waiting to happen.

It might have been worth seeing had the film been directed by Best in Show's Christopher Guest, rather than Godzilla's Roland Emmerich. Instead, we're expected to take seriously this unimaginative story of a son living out his absent father's dream. Perhaps a better title would have been Quest for Sire. Haven't we already seen far too many wannabe mythic stories of survival, featuring predictable attacks by human marauders and vicious giant beasts?

The only noteworthy elements are its computer-generated predators, such as the menacing saber-toothed tiger, and rampaging herds of woolly mammoths.

The visual sweep of desert landscapes, mountain ranges, verdant jungles and frozen tundra is spectacular. But the visuals aren't enough to make the experience compelling.

The actors might as well have been cardboard cutouts, given their limited range and interchangeability. Cliff Curtis (Whale Rider and Three Kings) has little to do here except work on his tan as he makes his way across land masses. He travels in the company of D'Leh (Steven Strait), a smoldering and hunky warrior intent on rescuing the mysterious blue-eyed girl he loves (Camilla Belle), believed to be either a sacred being or an evil witch, depending on your tribal membership.

The minimalist dialogue, mishmash of eras and scientific and historical inaccuracy are sure to elicit laughs. The whole enterprise grows tiresome with repeated scenes of onslaughts and foot chases, accompanied by a derivative score.

The film brings to mind Apocalypto, which, for all its brutality, was more riveting than this barbaric drag. The action is so plodding and the story so dreary that you feel as if you've lived through several millennia by the time it reaches its strained conclusion.