Thursday, March 19, 2009

Haiku Hump Day Results (now with Kung-Fu Grip!)

Sorry this is a day late - I was forced (shudder) out of the house for a few days on a movie. In any event, I had a blast reading all the contributions, I was hoping for some novel contributions from Puff and others, but those "Figure-heads" that submitted were all, of course, brilliant.


First of all, both Octo and JPX pretty much win the overall "Number of Figures in the House Right Now" award. I have a funny feeling that if you took every figure they each owned and laid them end to end, you would need something approaching the Sahara Desert in terms of acreage. We seem to unearth more of their checkered past each week, as the following haikus attest:

I used to hide them
Figures in the store, that is
Returned with money [JPX]

I foiled that scheme once
Found the Darkseid broke guy hid
Snagged it for myself [Octo]

I once hid Darkseid
When I came back it was gone
Now I know the truth [JPX]

That rivals Tempest-Gate and the Jungle Hunt Incident for its sheer unfolding drama.

Catfreeek had a bunch of gems, one just oozing pathos and two that made me laugh out loud:

When I got married
Dad used doll house for kindling
I found out and cried

I must confess this
I crank called my neighbor's house
With talking Joe doll

Rrrrring...Hello? Whose's there?
"Set up team headquarters here"
I was a sick kid

Dana's Brain summed up the parental aspect perfectly, as I'm sure my parents could attest to back in the heady days of 1985:

"Make it a robot.
I can't do it! Mom, change it!
Now make it a car."

"Robot. Car. Robot.
Car. Robot. Car. Robot...please?"
Mommy needs some wine.

It breaks my heart to write the following: Johnny Sweatpants is First Action Figure Haiku Runner Up. His stuff was hilarious, and I was pulling for him, but alas, this week's champion just had a slight edge on him. My favs from JSP:

Don't give me that look
Silly Toys R Us cashier
They're for my nephew

Nothing sadder than
A Jawa missing his robe
Utterly worthless

These were too good to not mention again, especially as he captured this figure's essence of "Worst Figure Ever:"


And then there's Ram Man...
What a worthless piece of crap
He can't turn his neck

In that position
His feet are squished to his chin
Bye bye dignity!

Perhaps less time with the ladies and more nerdy blogging next week, JSP?

And our champion, who stormed right out of the gate with four shots right out of the park (to mix metaphors), and then sat back and remained silent, as if secure in the knowledge that he had done all he needed to do, is none other than our very own...50PageMcGee.


Toy army plotting
Outside sister's room - Target?
Barbie's naked bod

Dune action figures.
Who the fuck thought we needed
Dune action figures?

Hope real Transformers
don't have those jamming problems
all their dumb toys have.

GI Joe torso
OOPS! Elastic snapped! What now?
"Blown up by land mine"

That "Dune" one had me in TEARS. But all four of them were brilliant in their own way. It's a lot like the Beatles, or KISS. Each one has its merits and unique brilliance. But the "Dune" one was the Ace Frehley of the bunch. Congratulations, and a collectible 12" Golden Action Figure Award statuette go to you, Fitty! Well done, sir!

(Also, my ulterior motive in making you champ is to hear that song with the Transformers theme buried in it. Can you post it on the blog somehow?)


50PageMcGee said...

for like a millisecond, i almost cried...

for the record, i think my personal fave was DB's "mommy needs wine" haiku.

i also really loved freek's "Set up team headquarters" effort --- an impressive bit of syllabic serendipity.

freek, as the resident Barbie fanatic, you may find this tidbit really interesting. the real-life model for the barbie doll was, Barbara Handler, the daughter of the president of Mattel.

I shit you not -- they owned our house before we lived there. so that barbie mansion your dad used for kindling? yep, we own that.

not exactly, but still...

it gets better.

guess what her brother's name is.

50PageMcGee said...

also, while i'm waiting for freek's reply -- stan, recording is done, but it will be a couple months before it makes its way back to me.

i'm pretty satisfied with how it came out (although the tenor kind of flubbed the first note of the head melody).

when i've got it, i promise: full post.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Congrats Fitty. I've decided not to throw one of my patented hissy fits this week as I don't have the time or the energy. Not to mention the fact that all of your haikus made me laugh aloud.

I actually owned a lot of the Dune figures and kinda wish I still had them today. As far as I know it's the only time Sting was captured in figure form. Also the big fat guy with the messed up face is one of the greatest (fattest) action figures ever made. He weighed like 2 lbs.

(Also looking forward to hearing the recording!)

Catfreeek said...

Congrats 50P I just knew you had it this week, hilarious stuff.

Her brother must be Ken, right?

I have to tell you all that my parents neighbor was a total bitch and she deserved those phone calls. GI Joe's other big line was "I've got a tough assignment for you". Ah the glory days, no caller ID :)

JPX said...

Jerk. I mean, congrats, 50p!

Dana's Brain said...

Congrats 50P! I really liked the one about the "real Transformers" too, obviously I have a lot of angst towards those things!

Whirlygirl said...

Congrats Mr.50!

50PageMcGee said...

yeah, freek. little girls across the nation are a party to flagrant incest thousands of times a day and have no idea.