Wednesday, February 03, 2010

HHD: Things Our Parents Say


I’m feeling a little unsure about this topic, but decided to give it a whirl anyway. First, let me start by explaining what inspired it. It was Saturday morning, and I had just received one of my mother’s typical bizarre emails (JPX knows which one I’m referring to and I’m sure he’s laughing). She had just flown to Barbados the day before to attend a funeral and she wanted to inform me of her safe arrival. However, rather than a normal message, such as “I’m here…it was a good flight,” or “I’m here…it was a lousy flight,” she bestowed upon me the following words of wisdom, strangely in a haiku:

Apply to JetBlue

Stewardess met a pilot

Two-carat diamond

So what my mother is saying, is that instead of obtaining a job in the field I just earned my degree from, I should become employed as a flight attendant on the off chance that I might meet a pilot that falls madly in love with me and slips a two-carat diamond on my finger. Sounds like a good plan to me. What does everyone else think?

Anyway, it made me wonder what sorts of things other Horrorthonners parents say, and what they would sound like as a haiku. I’m prepared to hear something about a “pipe in the ass” from JPX, JSP, or both, but from everyone else I have no predictions. I’m crossing my fingers that everyone enjoys this topic, and I can’t wait to see what you all come up with.

56 comments:

JPX said...

Came home from college
Mother took one look at me
Stated, "You look thick"

Came home from college
Mother took one look at me
Stated, "You're pasty

JPX said...

If my father said,
"Please come into my office"
I was in trouble

My father's a shrink
Which means we were never hit
He would use reason

Johnny Sweatpants said...

"Big snow, little snow
Little snow, big snow" warns Mom
Jeff and I just shrug

Octopunk said...

Ask the pretty girl
She intimidates others
So you'll be the one

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Uh-oh, Dad's upset
"Get that filth out of my house!"
So long Mom's Bible

Octopunk said...

My father left notes
Typed in capital letters
Felt like he's yelling

Octopunk said...

"You could have seen France
If you only had asked us"
That one just killed me

Octopunk said...

That Gretchen you date
She's a very strange person
They were right that time

Johnny Sweatpants said...

*picks up phone* "Hello?"
*sound of apple being crunched*
"Hi Mom, how are you?"

Octopunk said...

Much later I learned
"Gretchen Retchin Queen of Slime"
Friends' nickname for her

JPX said...

When he eats good food
Dad always says the same thing
"Mmmm, that hit the spot"

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Motherly advice
"It's a beautiful day out
You should be outside"

JPX said...

It's true, mom says that
To this day if it's nice out
I still feel guilty

AC said...

my parents told me
"if you ski you'll break your leg"
turns out they were wrong

eating good food, i
sometimes say "that hit the spot"
homage to jeff's dad

DCD said...

Our Dad, born for this!
Two cars go speeding by us...
"Those guys are racing."

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Pulled between two worlds
Deep slumber interrupted
"Try on these jeans - NOW!"

DCD said...

One to remember.
'Rents went to China. Left four
teens home alone!

Dad's words of advice?
"You all have good communi-
cation skills. USE THEM!"

We laughed hard at that.
Then did what any teens would,
Had raging parties!

DCD said...

In the eyes of Burt,
Not family or close friend?
You're a horse's ass.

DCD said...

You dreaded to hear,
"Hey Muscles!" You knew hard work
was coming your way.

DCD said...

The dreaded coal stove.
The ritual? "Shake it down
good. Two shovelfuls."

HandsomeStan said...

"Matthew, come in here."
Wrestlemania lament
We were way too loud

Pay-per-view party
'Rents waited in dining room
Totally awkward

Warrior wins belt
"Matthew, can we see you please?"
(Sigh) *head droop* "Coming..."

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Boardgame peacemaker
Stan's mom gets lifelong nickname
"The Big Mom Banker"

HandsomeStan said...

Knew THAT was coming
That name spread like wildfire
Stuck for 20 years

HandsomeStan said...

Surefire narcotic
Stan's dad sez "Mutual fund..."
Stan's brain checks right out

JPX said...

If we stayed up late
Our dad gave us instructions
Every single time!

Always the same thing
"Lock the font door, turn lights off,
Turn down thermostat

I was there last week
Once again he stated them
I just said, "Okay"

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Jeff Goldblum beware
Dad hates you for some reason
Couldn't tell you why

JPX said...

Words I hated most
"Jeff, the dog needs to be walked"
Always bad weather

HandsomeStan said...

Dishwasher & lawn
Feared Dad's critical review
Load or mow - big fail

JPX said...

Strange fact about mom
She will not change garbage bag
Offers no reason

JPX said...

When watching movies
Mom always seemed to walk in
During the sex scenes

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Mom nicknamed my friends
“Doofy 1” and “Doofy 2”
She amused herself

Catfreeek said...

The shame, Ann & Hope
I was 12, Mom bellows out
"Come look at this Braaaaaaaaaaa"

Humiliation
Waiter serves the next table
Mom asks for a bite

Dad is from the south
Has many catchy sayings
Kinda like Hee Haw

"I went to the Dam
to fetch some dam water but
the dam man said

I couldn't have no
dam water. So I told the
dam man he could keep

his dam water and
cause I didn't give a damn!"
Yeah, my Dad said that.

Catfreeek said...

I asked my Dad once
rest of Nantucket limerick
worst day of my life

Sister and I ran
screaming Ta-dah! Fun until
Dad, "I'll ta-dah you!"

Mom hates horror flicks
she's spooked, we whisper "Chriiiistiiine"
Mom says, "Go to hell!"

Catfreeek said...

Sometimes find myself
sounding just like they used to
inevitable

"Don't run on the stairs
You will fall and break your neck"
Why always the neck?

HandsomeStan said...

HandsomeStan's future
Opinions poured in concrete
Just like dear ol' Dad's

A 5-year struggle
Convincing Dad Simpsons good
Exhausting process

Gave up the fight
Easier just to agree
No changing his mind

Yes...SUVs bad
Republicans, football - bad
Smile, nod politely

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Your Dad's a wise man
SUV's, football, repubes
Destroy the planet

Catfreeek said...

Wisdom from my Mom:
"There's no such thing as making
too many meatballs"

Wisdom from my Mom:
"Always keep enough food stocked
to feed an army"

Wisdom from my Mom:
"Always wear panties with dress
or catch cold and die"

Catfreeek said...

Mom offers some food,
"Have a nice bowl of pasta"
Why is it so nice?

JPX said...

Dad's golden film rule
Bad guys get "pipe in the ass"
Or he won't watch it

He gave up on LOST
At the end of Season 2
'Others' got no pipe

Tried to convince him
That there was more to story
He remains stubborn

HandsomeStan said...

"Little hard on Beav"
Truer words never spoken
Single entendre?

Catfreeek said...

My father is blunt
He'll just say, "you look like shit"
without the finesse

Catfreeek said...

I was on acid
Dad,"Dog rolled in human shit"
spewed soup out my nose

DCD said...

No need for yelling.
We got the dreaded lecture.
Made me cry every time.

"Dana," he would say.
"I'm very disappointed
in you." Gah! Shoot me!

DCD said...

Worst part of it is,
it's happening. Hear myself
saying, "Horse's Ass!"

DCD said...

To this day it makes
me chuckle. "How are you Dad?"
"Very fine, thank you."

Very fine? Very...
Who talks like that anyway?
Proper/goofy Dad.

DCD said...

Desroc getting good.
He can name that Burt story
in five words or less.

It's been sixteen years,
He's pretty much heard them all...
thirty times over.

DCD said...

Leaving on a trip,
"Like a herd of turtles in
a mud storm, we're OFF!"

(I have to admit,
I say this one all the time
to my own kids. Eek!)

Catfreeek said...

When Dad was playful
He called us by strange nick names
mine was Monkey Shit

HandsomeStan said...

(I cannot hope to compete with Cat and DCD, but still...)

""You'll shoot your eye out!"
I'll shoot YOUR eye out now, mom
Want that damn rifle

AC said...

my parents told me
"we will never get divorced"
they got that one wrong

AC said...

my parents told me
get high, get laid, lie, cheat, steal;
slack off, sleep in; not!

AC said...

my mom tells white lies
she must think she's fooling us
she's fooling herself

AC said...

my father's catch phrase
if he disagrees with you
"what an idiot!"

Mr. AC said...

Harvey Fierstein
With a touch of Bea Arthur
That is my mom's voice

9 times out of 10
my mom ends her stories with
the phrase "buh buh buh"

My mom said, "what's that?"
I said it was tobacco
And she believed me

Catfreeek said...

That Dad distinguished
what type of shit dog rolled in
I'll never know how

Mom always warned us
"If you play with matches then
you're bound to get burned."

Dad always told us
"You'll never be too old to
put over my knee."

Johnny Sweatpants said...

The dark truth behind
Stan's Warrior obsession
Oedipus complex

(This haiku was supposed to include a side-by-side shot of Stan's mom and the Ultimate Warrior. They were virtually indistinguishable in the early 90's. Unfortunately I couldn't find a picture of The Big Mom Banker.)