Saturday, October 05, 2013

The Lords Of Salem

 2012 *1/2

Attention guys, do you want the good news or the bad news first? I’ll give you the good, this movie is virtually riddled in full frontal female nudity. What’s the bad you ask? Most of the women are over 70 years old. It almost seemed like Rob Zombie surrounded his wife with these women so we wouldn’t notice that she is moderately aging. I did notice that she very much resembled a modern day Jamie Lee Curtis. I wonder if Sheri Moon Zombie will begin to get concerned with our bowel movements as she gets older and pick up the Activia torch when Jamie Lee is ready to pass it on.

Holy crap is that what I would look like in dreads?
 And why am I feeling myself up?

As far as I can tell this film was about a group of witches who got really pissed off when they were burned so they put a curse on all the women of Salem. Many years later this curse arises to collect the debt via some weird sinister music from a band called The Lords. Three weird old ladies who we can assume are the descendants or reincarnates of the witches proceed to execute the devious plan. Beyond this, the film just seems like some bizarre disjointed music video from the late ‘80’s, without the music mind you, that drones on and on.

I don’t understand why Sheri Moon Zombie was jerking off the innards of this midget chicken monster.

Nor do I get why she was riding a goat like a mechanical bull. I normally enjoy Rob Zombie’s modern take on horror but this one just makes me wonder if someone slipped him the brown acid. Watch if you will but don’t say I didn’t warn you.


DCD said...

All set with skipping this one! Thanks, again, for taking one for the team, Cat!

Catfreeek said...

Oh I should mention for the ladies, there are some demon guys with giant penises masturbating at one point. Guess he didn't want us to feel left out.

JPX said...

This sounds awful! Why can't Zombie make a good movie? Thanks for the warning! Funny review!

Landshark said...

Ha, I had this out from the library the other day (when I also grabbed Black Rock). I returned it unwatched because something told me it was going to suck balls.

AC said...

despite the demon guys with giant penises, i must pass.

wow, landshark, what library do you belong to?

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Well I've seen all of the other Rob Zombie flicks and I intend to see this one too, but thanks for the head's up Catfreeek.

Crystal Math said...

Yeah, nudity! woop woop!

Catfreeek said...

You have an obligation to watch it JSP just for being a fan. I had higher hopes for sure, maybe you will dig it. I'm curious to know what you think.

Octopunk said...

Oh I do love me some Rob Zombie bashing. This sounds like a heapa crap.

I don't know if I find him a flawed and self-indulgent artist or if he's competent and I just don't like the same stuff he likes. Not a fan of the director.