Forest of the Damned (aka Demonic)

(2005) **1/2

If you're like me, you're probably looking at those two and a half measly stars and that picture and thinking "Two and a half measly stars? But it looks like that movie is full of naked chicks!" JPX and I have been seeing this in online trailers for some time now, and that very hook seemed like a stroke of Snakes on a Plane genius: the monsters? Naked women! With big teeth! Well, we all know now that the Snakes brand of genius was not a wise stock choice.

This one seemed like it might have that bad movie zing. Sure, it was shot on video, but it's British, and that's a time-honored way to fake quality. And up until we get to our heroes stuck on a wooded road with a busted car and an injured girl, it seemed to be going okay. Enter hook number two, Tom Savini. He's the crazy person who lives in the middle of the woods, and with his appearance we suddenly have a Mad Hillbilly movie in the middle of Naked Chicks with Teeth. Waiter, this is not what I ordered.

It's not that they were skimpy with the NCw/T footage, but the ladies just never really developed as monsters. Were they vicious and unstoppable, or did the oft-repeated warning "don't look in their eyes" actually give you some advantage? It's never really clear. Mostly they seem pretty relentless but then they watch one couple leave the scene while they just make scary faces and hiss. The retreating pair go back into Tom Savini's house to hide and we're supposed to be surprised when he pops up with a rifle.

I'd even be able to handle that if the movie didn't just keep on dissolving as it went. Near the end the director resorted to two minutes of incoherent night vision footage a la Blair Witch. Then suddenly it's one year later. Whatever.

There's very little on the plus side, but you do get a few moments of genuine "eeeew!" Also, there's a lot of screen time for the main heroine, who's pretty in an Evangeline Lily kind of way. And hey -- naked chicks.