Friday, November 06, 2009

Amityville Dollhouse: Evil Never Dies


Nice guy Bill inexplicably builds a new home around the still-standing chimney of an old house that burned down long ago. He is joined by his new wife, Claire, her tragically wussy son, Jim, and his two children Todd and Jessica from a previous marriage as they move into the new place. A few days later Bill, who apparently never ventured into the tool shed on the property despite building an entire fucking house next to it, goes into the dusty dwelling and discovers a creepy dollhouse full of tiny voodoo dolls with x’s for eyes.

Worst dolls ever

Bill immediately decides that this would be a swell gift for Jessica and quickly hoses it down (it was filthy). Somehow Bill overlooks the newspaper story hanging on the wall behind the dollhouse sporting the seemingly important headline, FAMILY BURNS IN HOUSE FIRE - Deranged Father Prime Suspect in Arson. Initially Jessica is delighted with the gift and she plays with it for hours despite receiving a nasty shock whenever she attempts to open the door of the dollhouse’s attic.

Meanwhile odds things begin happening in the family home including the requisite strange noises and wall thumping, the appearance of a large (super fake-looking mouse) under Jessica’s bed, and a tarantula falling out of a piƱata. In an unexplored story (damnit!), Claire starts to get very horny for her stepson. Oh yeah, and wussy Jim starts to see his burnt-to-a-crisp dead father, who urges him to kill Bill. The dead father is not very scary, which is probably why Jim doesn’t appear too bothered by this nagging paternal apparition.

Eventually things come to a head as Jim’s corpse father attempts to murder Bill and Todd’s stupid girlfriend steps too close to the fireplace and catches on fire faster than a fat kid chasing a Good Humor truck.

Does the chimney hold the key to what’s going on? What if anything does the dollhouse have to do with the carnage? If you want those answers watch it yourself. Terrible.


Anonymous said...

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JPX said...

Wow, thanks, Anonymous, you have really given me something to think about and my life is better off because of it.

Catfreeek said...

That picture is still cracking me up.

DCD said...

Hysterical review! Thank heavens for people like Anonymous to set us straight.

Trevor (Tami's friend) said...

Wow, I have no clue what the anonymous thing is all about, or the random French e-bay page.

However - the good humor truck gag. Cruel, very cruel. But, oh so hilarious.

Octopunk said...

At first I misunderstood and thought your proverbial fat kid was moving so fast he caught fire.

Excellent review! I love "...who apparently never ventured into the tool shed on the property despite building an entire fucking house next to it,..."

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Well played Anonymous, I couldn’t have said it better myself!

JPX you’ve been unusually funny lately. Can I have some of your weed?